Private Journal – Keep Out.

Texts to Therapist re: Kate Dating Reactivity

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as a followup to my email, diving into Polysecure the book and some youtubes and i think it’s basically exposing the raw nerve of insecure anxious attachment system of mine as the (not entirely accurate) sense of security that came from being Kate’s only sexual connection becomes less true… which will need some processing hel

thanks. I’m doing attachment trauma reading and trying really hard not to burden Kate with helping me process stuff that’s coming up around everything because that feels unfair to her even if she’s generally willing to do it to be supportive. it’s hard to find a balance when i already feel like any asking for help or boundaries from anyone is an imposition, but also in trying to change that have a fear about setting myself up for isolation. (not asking you for a response rn, just infodumping).

I guess i just didn’t expect this level of dysregulation over something that would be pretty rote on my side in terms of what happened and how it does or does not affect my relationship with Kate generally.

is me – is Kate –

if as someone with an anxious attachment i sometimes use sex as a means to feeling validated and loved and secure and my partner as an anxious avoidant attachment feels uncomfortable any overwhelmed with bids for connection that require vulnerability and focus in the moment, then that is probably a pretty mutually unsatisfying dynamic

(for the record, the avoidant thing for her is a thing she’s identified herself and told me, it’s not me diagnosing)

theres a lot of memes and articles about like “anxious attachment and avoidant attachment are a bad relationship combo because their needs and comfort are diametrically opposed”. and surprise surprise my anxious attachment sees that an thinks “oh no, we’re going to have to break up because we will never be able to meet each other’s attachment needs in a satisfying way”.

or “I’m never going to be able to have the kind of fun satisfying sex life that i want with my person because i think of it as a means to connect and explore and be close and she thinks of sex as a way to gain status and maximize distance and separation and really prefers emotion-free sex”

but of course that explains why for her it was fine and no big deal and less complicated and for me it felt painful and disconnecting. because for her that was getting her need for sex at a safe feeling level of connection and for me it felt like she was out doing a connection-building thing with someone that she’d just met when it can be like pulling teeth for anything like that to happen between us more than once every few months or whatever

and why it felt viscerally dangerous to me (the implication that she’s backing away from me and towards not-me super casually and without care for me which of course both as her partner who knows her well and as a person with a decade of experience building connections with other people i know is not accurate, but i guess that’s why it’s called a trauma trigger and not a considerated response

really the Internet seems super anti avoidant attachment pairings, especially pairings with anxious attachment people. but also probably people in okay relationships or also avoidant people in general are not the ones writing or seeking attachment based relationship advice on reddit or whatever

sure. the posts i see from avoidants are more along the “i hate that I’m disappointing my partner over and over i just feel really suffocated, what do”. i imagine there aren’t really very many self aware avoidants who are super happy with where they are

boy people aren’t kidding when we talk about poly surfacing old wounds

but maybe not entirely anxious avoidant but more that this situation triggers the anxious side of disorganized attachment? because i think i can minimize bonds while wanting them, too


i guess the label doesn’t really matter

my experience when hearing about the sex she had was simultaneously betrayal and rupture and also need for reconnection and giving soothing, plus embarrassment at my reactivity. i spent a lot of time reassuring her that while i was feeling overwhelmed and reactive, i wasn’t upset at the fact of it and she hadn’t done anything “wrong”. which to which she basically said “yes, i didn’t do anything wrong, and i told you immediately”

maybe we could try EMDR? am i making it up that that’s a thing you mentioned at the beginning?

(TUESDAY 7/19)

this all happened Saturday night and now it’s Tuesday night and I’m still feeling dysregulated and I’m so tired.


is it ok to keep texting or would you prefer i compile into an email?

note to self: don’t do childhood abandonement healing meditations while out for a stroll if you are not prepared to be a crying mess on the sidewalk half way through

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July 20th, 2022 at 12:31 pm

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