sdcjournal

musicsaves137 (12:49:37 PM): hi
musicsaves137 (12:49:46 PM): before you say anything let me just say something
hyperthetical (12:49:53 PM): sure
musicsaves137 (12:51:07 PM): i’m incredibly sorry i’ve been out of reach this past week. i’ve had to go through some of the hardest shit i’ve ever had to go through. i guess i just need to realize that my life is a little too crazy right now to have to be responsible to another person
hyperthetical (12:51:27 PM): yeah thats kinda what i wanted to talk about
hyperthetical (12:51:38 PM): i totally understand and i’m sorry you had to deal with that stuff
hyperthetical (12:52:09 PM): but i think as you said, your life is kinda crazy right now, and we’re on different schedules and at different places
musicsaves137 (12:52:24 PM): yea :-/
hyperthetical (12:52:50 PM): but you must know that i really do think you’re an amazing person and i’m so thankful that you’re in my life in whatever capacity
musicsaves137 (12:53:33 PM): wow this conversation is going so much easier than i had thought it would
hyperthetical (12:53:37 PM): lol
hyperthetical (12:53:42 PM): i guess we’ve both been thinking about it
hyperthetical (12:53:53 PM): was kinda tearing me apart all weekend
musicsaves137 (12:53:54 PM): which you cant even understand how much it means to me
musicsaves137 (12:54:06 PM): that youre being so understand
musicsaves137 (12:54:13 PM): ing
hyperthetical (12:54:19 PM): cause i really really like you… but you’re doing the college thing and i’m attempting to be a grownup
hyperthetical (12:54:29 PM): (muppets be damned)
musicsaves137 (12:54:47 PM): hah
hyperthetical (12:55:02 PM): so yeah…
musicsaves137 (12:55:15 PM): yea between trying to stay young and do the college thing and being forced to grow up with family shit
musicsaves137 (12:55:23 PM): i’m just kinda losing my mind at the moment
hyperthetical (12:56:04 PM): i dont like the thought of not being able to kiss you and stuff… :/
hyperthetical (12:56:38 PM): but i dont know that we’re in similar enough mindsets to have a relationship work in a way that’d work for both of us
musicsaves137 (12:56:48 PM): yea
musicsaves137 (12:56:58 PM): i think you’re right
hyperthetical (12:57:23 PM): which makes me really sad
hyperthetical (12:58:02 PM): but ultimately… you know
musicsaves137 (12:58:07 PM): i’m sorry 🙁
hyperthetical (12:58:13 PM): nothing for you to be sorry about
musicsaves137 (12:58:19 PM): its just a really hard, weird time for me right now
hyperthetical (12:58:23 PM): yuo’re exactly where you’re supposed to be and so am i
musicsaves137 (12:58:30 PM): i guess
hyperthetical (12:58:41 PM): hey i remember being 20…its really hard
hyperthetical (12:59:23 PM): trying to figure out what parts of you need to grow up and which can stay how they are etc etc
musicsaves137 (12:59:30 PM): yea
hyperthetical (12:59:51 PM): please know that i’m there for you if you need someone to talk to or anything.
musicsaves137 (1:00:15 PM): thanks jeremy
hyperthetical (1:00:25 PM): not that i’m like the worlds most put together person, but i’ll try to be helpful 🙂
musicsaves137 (1:00:35 PM): it’s not like i never want to see you again….i just cant be the way we have been
hyperthetical (1:00:42 PM): no i know
hyperthetical (1:00:46 PM): we’ll have to figure it out
musicsaves137 (1:01:25 PM): thanks for being so nice
hyperthetical (1:01:38 PM): hey, i’m nice….its part of who i am
musicsaves137 (1:02:02 PM): this…its exactly what i needed right now…for something to go easy for once
hyperthetical (1:02:16 PM): there are things i’ll miss a lot… but i definitely want to stay in your life if you’ll have me and for yout o stay in mine
hyperthetical (1:02:38 PM): hey what can i say… i’m easy, for some people :-*
musicsaves137 (1:02:58 PM): 🙂
musicsaves137 (1:03:05 PM): of course i still want you in my life
hyperthetical (1:03:10 PM): *smile* good.
musicsaves137 (1:03:47 PM): yay
hyperthetical (1:04:03 PM): though to be fair i may need a little bit to adjust
hyperthetical (1:04:42 PM): it was really eating away at me this weekend… the whole abandonment issue thing…cause i knew it wasn’t gonna work but i really didn’t want to hurt you… so i’m kind of relieved that you were feeling similarly
musicsaves137 (1:05:39 PM): totally understandable
hyperthetical (1:05:43 PM): in my brain, ‘leaving’ a relationship with someone is pretty much the worst thing you can do to a person.
musicsaves137 (1:06:46 PM): youre not leaving though
musicsaves137 (1:06:54 PM): were agreeing its what needs to happen
hyperthetical (1:06:58 PM): and i especially didn’t wnat to lay it on you when you’re all stressed about school and such
hyperthetical (1:07:08 PM): yeah but in my head you would’ve not at all seen it comin
hyperthetical (1:07:12 PM): hey i didn’t say it was RATIONAL
musicsaves137 (1:07:15 PM): lol
hyperthetical (1:08:48 PM): i’m not perfect 😛
musicsaves137 (1:08:54 PM): but parts of you are
hyperthetical (1:08:59 PM): *grin* still true.
hyperthetical (1:09:11 PM): you too.
hyperthetical (1:11:26 PM): many many parts.
hyperthetical (1:11:51 PM): ok…so
hyperthetical (1:11:58 PM): you probably have work to get back to
hyperthetical (1:12:20 PM): but maybe later this week you can fill me in on some of the stuff thats been happening?
musicsaves137 (1:12:44 PM): yea i have to much to do
musicsaves137 (1:12:47 PM): *so
hyperthetical (1:12:57 PM): you have much to so?
hyperthetical (1:13:05 PM): oh…got it
hyperthetical (1:13:06 PM): me slow.
musicsaves137 (1:13:12 PM): heh
hyperthetical (1:13:24 PM): so… talk later?
musicsaves137 (1:14:21 PM): yea definitely
hyperthetical (1:14:25 PM): excellent.
hyperthetical (1:14:30 PM): *big kisses and hugs*
musicsaves137 (1:14:39 PM): ditto! :-*
hyperthetical (1:14:41 PM): thanks for being you
musicsaves137 (1:14:52 PM): no seriously thanks for being so nice jeremy
musicsaves137 (1:14:54 PM): i really appreciate it
hyperthetical (1:14:59 PM): of course
hyperthetical (1:15:41 PM): hey you should have at least one nice person around 😛
hyperthetical (1:16:20 PM): youre awesome people should always be nice to you.
musicsaves137 (1:16:31 PM): thanks 🙂
hyperthetical (1:16:36 PM): duh’
hyperthetical (1:16:37 PM): ok
hyperthetical (1:16:38 PM): back to work
musicsaves137 (1:16:42 PM): have fun
hyperthetical (1:16:46 PM): always do

I got an IM from Carlin tonight…apparently she was going through some
photos and such and feeling nostalgic. Wasn’t quite sure that I wanted
to respond, but in the end I decided to. Had an interesting
conversation, where basically she said that she’d missed me and that
i’d had an influence in her life, being able to stop and think about
whats really important (friends, music, etc)… Was weird talking to
her, but I pretty much laid it out, since I’m feeling honest. Told her
that there are many things i like about her, but i didn’t think how she
treated me while we were together was very nice and that it didn’t make
me feel like she wanted me there or that i was important. She seemed to
understand where i was coming from and didn’t begrudge me. Basically,
it seemed like she missed me and wanted to reach out. I guess we’ve
both changed a bit. I don’t think I would’ve gotten that level of
forthcomingness and honesty from her 6 months ago, and on the other
hand I dont think I would have been able to verbalize how she’d made me
feel either.
SoftLord: you were saying
chrrybmbnyc: that you’ve had an influence on me
SoftLord: right…and i was asking in what way
chrrybmbnyc: positively. seeing things that I don’t normally take the
time out to see. SoftLord: interesting…like?
chrrybmbnyc: like taking time for me. appreciating music and friends
SoftLord: good!
chrrybmbnyc: thank you
SoftLord: i’m happy to have been the motivation for you realizing whats
really important in this life
it sounds like reassessing life a bit… I’m glad that I was able to be
a good influence on someone that I held in such high regard. Past tense
is still up in the air. I did enjoy chatting with her, I’d missed it.
I think I’m strong enough right now to be able to recognize if I begin
to fall into old patterns, and I think she realizes she respects me
enough not to put me through that again.
It’s nice to have another person to talk to.
This should be interesting, at least.

Still can’t just relax and enjoy vacation…in work mode… happens.
Interesting converstaion of the day so far:
SoftLord:

Diddlms: heeey

Diddlms: u jus wake up?

SoftLord: ja

SoftLord: i think i’m getting sick 🙁

Diddlms: oh hon

SoftLord: my throat hurts

Diddlms: sorry… drink tea

Diddlms: dude

SoftLord: ?

Diddlms: i jus spent 3 hours talking with her grandmother

Diddlms: the woman speaks no english

Diddlms: by friday i should be able to teach a course

Diddlms: needless to say my head hurts

SoftLord: well thats good

Diddlms: so when do u start this new job?

SoftLord: monday

Diddlms: great a nice vacation b4 u start

SoftLord: yup

SoftLord: which is good since at the moment i can’t talk

Diddlms: cant talk? why?

SoftLord: my throat hurts

Diddlms: ahh hurts that much hm?

SoftLord: well i sound like i have the worst hangover ever

Diddlms: ic ic… so what u up to these days? go anywhere see anyone?

SoftLord: no not really…haven’t been feelin like goin out lately… we had this conversation

SoftLord: dont want to have to be someone i’m trying not to be so much anymore

Diddlms: yeah i know. frankly im tired of it to. but its rough cause everone we know is always enjoying drama… so what to do then

..forget everyone and sit at home alone?

SoftLord: also everyone we know is expecting me to always be there for them regardless of any of my own plans wants or needs … the

expectation is ‘oh we’ll just get jeremy to do it’ or whatever.. and i’m not cool with that anymore…i can’t be

Diddlms: of course not. its not right.

Diddlms: i
myself am guilty of not being so nice to you by blowing plans off …
so i am sorry. ive had alot of time to think while i was here… and i
think leaving tvt and comming here was good for me to really gain
perspective on the ones who matter most… you bieng one of them

SoftLord: thanks, i appreciate that, i really do

Diddlms: yes
well …its the truth. my life was so bombarded with bullshit that i
didnt see who mattered most. i tried to distribute my time to everyone
instead i missed on the most valuable

Diddlms: i was running around too much…never settled… never relaxed

Diddlms: i know why i did this-… its because im afraid if i actually sit and stop and think… i will be very sad

SoftLord: I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. -Bill Cosby

Diddlms: smart guy. .. brb i need to run out and get smokes … two minutes…

SoftLord: yes… but you might also gain some perspective on certain aspects of your life, enough to be able to change them if you like.

SoftLord: and that on the other hand is something that i will try to always have time for you for

SoftLord: blah

Diddlms: ok sorry..im signing off dani needs the computer love u chat with u soon

SoftLord: you did it again

Diddlms: love u kid

SoftLord: i’m just saying that you did

Diddlms signed off at 11:04:45 A.

Carlin-
Although I’m not sure I feel like this is even worth it, here it is.
I need to move on. I don’t feel like I’m being treated how I need to be
treated to be involved with you in any capacity right now. I know you
have a busy schedule, and obviously you feel you need to focus on that.
However, I’m not okay with being put in limbo and on hold, especially
when there have been such mixed messages as to the nature of things
throughout.
I do wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors, though I have no
doubt you’ll be successful at whatever you put yourself to.
That’s really all I had to say. I don’t think it would be good for us
to remain in contact right now.
Be well.
-Jeremy

Ah yes, the letter. Haven’t yet written the letter. Thoughts are
scattered about inclusions. here are some points i need to make
– hasn’t felt like a relationship in awhile
– need to move on
– understand that you dont have time for me, but i can’t wait around,
it’s not fair to me
– according to everyone else we weren’t together anyway, never really
felt it from you

Was talking to Rebecca about my situations, as usual. she’s got a wise
mind and a good ear… poisonivy270: it can’t be that bad
SoftLord: no its not, but its like.. a lot of medium sized things that
add up
poisonivy270: yeah
poisonivy270: i’ve been there
poisonivy270: sorry babe
SoftLord: alex is all like.. ‘my heart hurts’ and like…expecting me
to be there for her and stuff, and since talking to my therapist i’ve
been trying to figure out places in which i’m being taken advantage of
and trying to figure out how to deal with them… so i basically called
her
on flaking on plans twice in the last week and a half…and we have
plans friday which now she’s not sure if she can do… and its not fair
to me
poisonivy270: not at all
poisonivy270: not right now
poisonivy270: but you need to call her on it
poisonivy270: talk bout it
SoftLord: i did and she got all huffy, of course
poisonivy270: ugh
poisonivy270: yuck
poisonivy270: what a bad situation
SoftLord: yea
poisonivy270: she clearly feels like it’s not flaking
poisonivy270: bleah
SoftLord: well its alex’s world, we’re just livin in it
poisonivy270: ugh
SoftLord: i just felt like it needed to be made clear that its
irresponsible and unfair to flake on plans twice in one week…
poisonivy270: yes
poisonivy270: you have to express how you’re feeling
SoftLord: and yet, theres the reaction… doesn’t make me want to
continue working toward learning to confront unfair situations
poisonivy270: true too
SoftLord: it really amazes me how much i lack even rudimentary skill at
that aspect of life…i hadn’t even noticed it mostly… just gotten so
used to being underappreciated and mistreated, took it for granted
poisonivy270: eventually you have to take care of yourself
poisonivy270: without disrespecting others
poisonivy270: it’s hard
poisonivy270: especially when they get mad and make you feel guilty
SoftLord: do you think i crossed a line?
poisonivy270: i can’t judge
poisonivy270: i don’t know the whole thang
SoftLord: true enough
SoftLord: i dont feel guilty i feel like my efforts were ineffectual
poisonivy270: but it seems as though she doesn’t feel like she’s
disrespecting you….just wants to be alone
SoftLord: well then she shouldn’t make plans with me should she
===

Not exactly giving me a ton of hope for natural talent.
i gave it a shot tonight and…
===
Diddlms: my heart hurts
SoftLord: okay
Diddlms: okay?
SoftLord: well what would you like me to say
Diddlms: nothing
SoftLord: something i can do to help?
Diddlms: guess not
SoftLord: er…okay
Diddlms: feel like shit
SoftLord: i didn’t get home til 10
Diddlms: ah
Diddlms: suxs big ballz
SoftLord: i wasn’t nearly done
Diddlms: sucks alt
SoftLord: *shrug* i’ll deal
SoftLord: its the only time i can get any work done
SoftLord: and the week’s almost half over…wooo
Diddlms: yeah what ever i feel like so roller coaster
Diddlms: i dont even know what i wanna do this weekend anymore
Diddlms: i hate it
SoftLord: well, we have plans friday.
Diddlms: if i still feelin it i dont intend on goin out upset
SoftLord: i will be very upset if you cancel on me twice in one week
after making plans.
Diddlms: yeah well if you cant understand how im feeling lately then
what the fuck. i dont wanna dis but i just dont feel like being
anywhere but my room lately
Diddlms: clearly im not been good actually less than good lately
Diddlms: tonight i was less than that im sorry if you dont understand i
feel very alone in my head im trying to deal SoftLord: i can understand
how you’re feeling. it’s just unfair to me. i want to spend time with
you and i think we cheer each other up hwen we’re together, but flaking
on plans we’ve made is irrespinsible and disrespectful to me
SoftLord: and that doesn’t mean i dont understand how you feel
SoftLord: or appreciate it
Diddlms: im not trying to be fucked up but im depressd ive admitted it
i feel like shit worse than that and i dunno if being with friends has
even helped SoftLord: so would you like to cancel our plans, then?
Diddlms: like i said i dunno yet. i feel like i dunno what i feel
anymore. so if you can handle we can make it solid friday im not saying
their canecelled im saying i cant deal with anything lately is all
Diddlms: i need to go to bed today has just been too much for me i need
to end it here. we shall chat at work tomorrow
Diddlms signed off at 11:18:40 P. ====
followed up with this email:
i understand how you’ve been feeling and i am here for you, but you
have to understand how it makes me feel to consistantly have plans
cancelled. I’ve been there for you through your hard times, and it’s no
chore for me, but when what I get in return is constant flaking of
plans, it means I’m being mistreated, whether intentional or not. And I
need to not be mistreated.
I know you’re going through a rough time, and if that means that you
can’t or don’t want to spend time with me that’s one thing, but when
we make solid plans then I expect them to happen, barring an emergency
Love you always
-j
===
doesnt seem like it was very effective… baby steps.

So I’m thinkin about breakin it off with Carlin. After a voicemail and
and email and an IM conversation/threat with Ed, it has officially
become too much work and drama for the time we get to spend together.
And I used to just be able to say ‘hey it’ll get better just be
patient’ but this is just getting ridiculous… When we ARE together we
dont get to be anything resembling what I (or what i think most people)
need in a relationship. I feel bad cause she is still quite a package
and at least part of this is not her doing, but I guess enough is
enough. Maybe someday I’ll let myself be angry about it but for now…
I dont really feel anything…maybe because I haven’t actually told her
its over it doesn’t seem real, but… I haven’t heard from her since
12/30, and I’m not going to be making an attempt to contact her anytime
soon.
Oh well.

Snarki2: I feel that Ed’s a selfish ass
hyperthetical: yeah
hyperthetical: one more chance, eh? 😉
Snarki2: I need him right now. gotta drive the car till the wheels fall
off sometimes
hyperthetical: well… once he stops being of any use… hyperthetical:
i’m just sayin
Snarki2: I hear you. and you know that I know the deal. jaded and all
hyperthetical: listen, about yesterday…i dont mean to be over
dramatic, i just don’t wanna be sittin around and not getting to see
you when i’d like to be… i understand your situation, i guess i’m
just worried that the payoff wont’ come and i’ll just have been waitin
around… i know i’m important to you, but it confuses me when you say
one thing and then do another… i’m sure you can understand it…
maybe i just dont fully grasp where you’re comin from or how this is
gonna work in your mind, and i’d like to…
hyperthetical: since opening yourself up and communicating your
feelings isn’t exactly your strong suit… 😉
hyperthetical: tho i know you’re better at it with me than with most
Snarki2: here’s how it’s gonna work. I’m going to close a deal
licensing the old Pseudo archive and our new programming to Playgirl, a
new Hip Hop channel, etc. Then I’m going to have 3 of our DVDs hit the
market. Finally, we’re going to have our patent granted at the same
timet that Pseudo is going to be 10 years in may. I’m going to ring the
dinner bell and teh $ is going to come rolling in. Then, I’m going to
buy a beach house, chill out, and write
hyperthetical: and how in your mind do i figure in to that
hyperthetical: honestly
Snarki2: you can come over and help me shovel sand
hyperthetical: you knew what i meantm
hyperthetical: meant
Snarki2: thought I did answer
hyperthetical: that wasn’t an answer

Snarki2: yes it was. let’s just focus on fun right now

hyperthetical: well that was the plan for friday night

hyperthetical: i thought

Snarki2: all work and no play

hyperthetical: apparently

Snarki2: so how’s your day

hyperthetical: nobody’s puttin a ring on yer finger but you gotta at least try to show up, ya know?
hyperthetical: busy busy
hyperthetical: fun to be had and all that
Snarki2: not looking for a ring and you know that. just looking to get
out of my business with some $
hyperthetical: i know… i’m just sayin in the meantime, not to be
selfish, but i think its fair to ask for some part of your time to make
it worth it to stick around… otherwise, no matter how special i might
find you, i’m just a sucker sittin with my thumb up my ass waitin for
you to cash out
hyperthetical: in other words i dont need another 6 months of bein
flaked on in my life 🙂
hyperthetical: and contrary to what you might think i’d much rather be
havin fun than havin these convos every other week

SoftLord:: hi.

chrrybmbnyc: he you

chrrybmbnyc: hey

SoftLord:: yes

chrrybmbnyc: just correcting my misspelling

SoftLord:: right

chrrybmbnyc: so how are you

SoftLord:: sick of stuff being difficult that should be easy.

chrrybmbnyc: hear that

SoftLord:: not sure that you do

chrrybmbnyc: ofcourse I do

chrrybmbnyc: I called to hang this weekend

SoftLord:: and i didn’t answer

chrrybmbnyc: don’t I get points for that

SoftLord:: howd that feel

chrrybmbnyc: tit for tat I see

SoftLord:: no, if it’d been tit for tat i wouldve set up plans and then not picked up… quite a few times

chrrybmbnyc: did I miss something

chrrybmbnyc: was working Friday night until 3am – not fun being at a club from 8:30-3am on your feet getting talent releases

SoftLord:: dunno…did you… we
had plans friday night to hang out after our respecive social
obligations… called at 1:30 (When we were supposed to meet up) and
again at 2 and again at 2:30…did not get an answer each time
SoftLord:: not even to say “hey sorry but i got stuck here and i’m just gonna want to go home”, which would’ve been fine

chrrybmbnyc: do you really think I had cell reception in Crobar – buried in the bottom floor with tons of audio equipment

chrrybmbnyc: guess I should have called at 3:00 and wake you up

SoftLord:: if we had plans i think i wouldve thought to check messages or call to reschedule or at least update…

SoftLord:: i was up at 3

SoftLord:: home bein sad cause i didn’t get to see you cause you’d not picked up…again.

chrrybmbnyc: I was working my ass of

chrrybmbnyc: f

SoftLord:: i dont doubt that

chrrybmbnyc: and I was miserable.
sitting there listening to fucking WIT suck balls and kissing their ass
to sign off on the release. all when I don’t even care cause THEY SUCK
SoftLord:: sounds like a good end to that evening wouldve been to have someone to unwind and snuggle wif

chrrybmbnyc: making sure that Chad
did just enough coke to be functional but not enough to fuck himself
(cause he won’t stop doing it), having ed up my ass, and buying Paulina
and Karen drinks. Not my idea of fun
SoftLord:: i know how hard you work

chrrybmbnyc: and now I’m sick

SoftLord:: i just dont know what to
do … i feel like i can’t make plans with you because for one reason
or another they’re not gonna happen and i’m just gonna end up feeling
hurt by it … i dont want to be an obligation, and i dont think its
‘work’ when we’re together…
chrrybmbnyc: no, and we’re going to that christmas party on Thursday

chrrybmbnyc: hold on

SoftLord:: whether or not you do it
maliciously is irrelivant… when we make plans and then you dont show
up it hurts… cause really, what are we doing if we dont end up
spending any time together?
SoftLord:: and i LIKE spending
time with you, and it makes me feel like the opposite is not true if
you can just blow me off… i know you’re busy, and i know you weren’t
just out partying, but…
SoftLord:: and i’m sick of being
flaked on and i’m sick of having this conversation and i’m sick of
things being hard when they should be easy… and thats what i wanted
to say
chrrybmbnyc: well I’ll give you
that. I’m sick and I’m tired and this week I have even more work and
more events. so I don’t ‘know what to say. I hate everything
SoftLord:: i guess i’m just confused as to why you wouldn’t want some positivity in your life with all your other shit going ong

chrrybmbnyc: because I don’t have time for positivity.

chrrybmbnyc: I’m going to go crash on the couch. This antibiotic is kicking my ass. have a good night. sorry. C

SoftLord:: you had the end of friday night and the morning of saturday between business things…

SoftLord:: okay well i dont know
what to do now still…so.. let that be said.