Private Journal – Keep Out.

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Perspective = Everything

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Still can’t just relax and enjoy vacation…in work mode… happens.
Interesting converstaion of the day so far:
SoftLord: razz

Diddlms: heeey

Diddlms: u jus wake up?

SoftLord: ja

SoftLord: i think i’m getting sick πŸ™

Diddlms: oh hon

SoftLord: my throat hurts

Diddlms: sorry… drink tea

Diddlms: dude

SoftLord: ?

Diddlms: i jus spent 3 hours talking with her grandmother

Diddlms: the woman speaks no english

Diddlms: by friday i should be able to teach a course

Diddlms: needless to say my head hurts

SoftLord: well thats good

Diddlms: so when do u start this new job?

SoftLord: monday

Diddlms: great a nice vacation b4 u start

SoftLord: yup

SoftLord: which is good since at the moment i can’t talk

Diddlms: cant talk? why?

SoftLord: my throat hurts

Diddlms: ahh hurts that much hm?

SoftLord: well i sound like i have the worst hangover ever

Diddlms: ic ic… so what u up to these days? go anywhere see anyone?

SoftLord: no not really…haven’t been feelin like goin out lately… we had this conversation

SoftLord: dont want to have to be someone i’m trying not to be so much anymore

Diddlms: yeah i know. frankly im tired of it to. but its rough cause everone we know is always enjoying drama… so what to do then

..forget everyone and sit at home alone?

SoftLord: also everyone we know is expecting me to always be there for them regardless of any of my own plans wants or needs … the

expectation is ‘oh we’ll just get jeremy to do it’ or whatever.. and i’m not cool with that anymore…i can’t be

Diddlms: of course not. its not right.

Diddlms: i
myself am guilty of not being so nice to you by blowing plans off …
so i am sorry. ive had alot of time to think while i was here… and i
think leaving tvt and comming here was good for me to really gain
perspective on the ones who matter most… you bieng one of them

SoftLord: thanks, i appreciate that, i really do

Diddlms: yes
well …its the truth. my life was so bombarded with bullshit that i
didnt see who mattered most. i tried to distribute my time to everyone
instead i missed on the most valuable

Diddlms: i was running around too much…never settled… never relaxed

Diddlms: i know why i did this-… its because im afraid if i actually sit and stop and think… i will be very sad

SoftLord: I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. -Bill Cosby

Diddlms: smart guy. .. brb i need to run out and get smokes … two minutes…

SoftLord: yes… but you might also gain some perspective on certain aspects of your life, enough to be able to change them if you like.

SoftLord: and that on the other hand is something that i will try to always have time for you for

SoftLord: blah

Diddlms: ok signing off dani needs the computer love u chat with u soon

SoftLord: you did it again razz

Diddlms: love u kid

SoftLord: i’m just saying that you did

Diddlms signed off at 11:04:45 A.

Written by admin

March 1st, 2004 at 11:59 am

Posted in Alex

Confrontation, part the second.

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Was talking to Rebecca about my situations, as usual. she’s got a wise
mind and a good ear… poisonivy270: it can’t be that bad
SoftLord: no its not, but its like.. a lot of medium sized things that
add up
poisonivy270: yeah
poisonivy270: i’ve been there
poisonivy270: sorry babe
SoftLord: alex is all like.. ‘my heart hurts’ and like…expecting me
to be there for her and stuff, and since talking to my therapist i’ve
been trying to figure out places in which i’m being taken advantage of
and trying to figure out how to deal with them… so i basically called
on flaking on plans twice in the last week and a half…and we have
plans friday which now she’s not sure if she can do… and its not fair
to me
poisonivy270: not at all
poisonivy270: not right now
poisonivy270: but you need to call her on it
poisonivy270: talk bout it
SoftLord: i did and she got all huffy, of course
poisonivy270: ugh
poisonivy270: yuck
poisonivy270: what a bad situation
SoftLord: yea
poisonivy270: she clearly feels like it’s not flaking
poisonivy270: bleah
SoftLord: well its alex’s world, we’re just livin in it
poisonivy270: ugh
SoftLord: i just felt like it needed to be made clear that its
irresponsible and unfair to flake on plans twice in one week…
poisonivy270: yes
poisonivy270: you have to express how you’re feeling
SoftLord: and yet, theres the reaction… doesn’t make me want to
continue working toward learning to confront unfair situations
poisonivy270: true too
SoftLord: it really amazes me how much i lack even rudimentary skill at
that aspect of life…i hadn’t even noticed it mostly… just gotten so
used to being underappreciated and mistreated, took it for granted
poisonivy270: eventually you have to take care of yourself
poisonivy270: without disrespecting others
poisonivy270: it’s hard
poisonivy270: especially when they get mad and make you feel guilty
SoftLord: do you think i crossed a line?
poisonivy270: i can’t judge
poisonivy270: i don’t know the whole thang
SoftLord: true enough
SoftLord: i dont feel guilty i feel like my efforts were ineffectual
poisonivy270: but it seems as though she doesn’t feel like she’s
disrespecting you….just wants to be alone
SoftLord: well then she shouldn’t make plans with me should she

Written by admin

January 14th, 2004 at 12:02 am

Posted in Alex

Confrontation, part the first.

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Not exactly giving me a ton of hope for natural talent.
i gave it a shot tonight and…
Diddlms: my heart hurts
SoftLord: okay
Diddlms: okay?
SoftLord: well what would you like me to say
Diddlms: nothing
SoftLord: something i can do to help?
Diddlms: guess not
SoftLord: er…okay
Diddlms: feel like shit
SoftLord: i didn’t get home til 10
Diddlms: ah
Diddlms: suxs big ballz
SoftLord: i wasn’t nearly done
Diddlms: sucks alt
SoftLord: *shrug* i’ll deal
SoftLord: its the only time i can get any work done
SoftLord: and the week’s almost half over…wooo
Diddlms: yeah what ever i feel like so roller coaster
Diddlms: i dont even know what i wanna do this weekend anymore
Diddlms: i hate it
SoftLord: well, we have plans friday.
Diddlms: if i still feelin it i dont intend on goin out upset
SoftLord: i will be very upset if you cancel on me twice in one week
after making plans.
Diddlms: yeah well if you cant understand how im feeling lately then
what the fuck. i dont wanna dis but i just dont feel like being
anywhere but my room lately
Diddlms: clearly im not been good actually less than good lately
Diddlms: tonight i was less than that im sorry if you dont understand i
feel very alone in my head im trying to deal SoftLord: i can understand
how you’re feeling. it’s just unfair to me. i want to spend time with
you and i think we cheer each other up hwen we’re together, but flaking
on plans we’ve made is irrespinsible and disrespectful to me
SoftLord: and that doesn’t mean i dont understand how you feel
SoftLord: or appreciate it
Diddlms: im not trying to be fucked up but im depressd ive admitted it
i feel like shit worse than that and i dunno if being with friends has
even helped SoftLord: so would you like to cancel our plans, then?
Diddlms: like i said i dunno yet. i feel like i dunno what i feel
anymore. so if you can handle we can make it solid friday im not saying
their canecelled im saying i cant deal with anything lately is all
Diddlms: i need to go to bed today has just been too much for me i need
to end it here. we shall chat at work tomorrow
Diddlms signed off at 11:18:40 P. ====
followed up with this email:
i understand how you’ve been feeling and i am here for you, but you
have to understand how it makes me feel to consistantly have plans
cancelled. I’ve been there for you through your hard times, and it’s no
chore for me, but when what I get in return is constant flaking of
plans, it means I’m being mistreated, whether intentional or not. And I
need to not be mistreated.
I know you’re going through a rough time, and if that means that you
can’t or don’t want to spend time with me that’s one thing, but when
we make solid plans then I expect them to happen, barring an emergency
Love you always

doesnt seem like it was very effective… baby steps.

Written by admin

January 13th, 2004 at 11:59 pm

Posted in Alex


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Diddlms: look babe…we are very good friends so
if you need to discuss something we can talk
about anything no holds barred and you know
we’ll stay friends.

SoftLord: yeah i know…

Diddlms: πŸ™‚

SoftLord: just sometimes i think it would be nice
to have all the friendly flirting and snuggly stuff
we do as part of our friendship lead somewhere
(dunno where) … but i guess thats silly and a bit unfair,
cause i do love having you as a friend… maybe i’m just
lookin into things too much

Diddlms: no I dont think its unreasonable to feel this way.
Lord knows Ive been there (not in a while) but surly ive been
there…lol *giggle* I think though seeing as Im not sure
where my life drifts its dangerous for anyone to be involved
in more than friendly with me…and…i dunno you and i we
are so special just the way we are…how could the dynamics
change? its just strange to think of it more perhaps…i
dunno hope i didnt offend or upset you…i mean you know
right? :-!

SoftLord: no, thats kinda what i was expecting…

Diddlms: oh sweet pea… you’d make the perfect man…im
jus crazy in the head…lol

SoftLord: okay you didn’t need to say that

SoftLord: i’ve heard that so many times before

Diddlms: ok come on ass

Diddlms: so have i

Diddlms: lol

Diddlms: silly

SoftLord: i mean … i know… its totally understandable, i feel
bad even bringing it up, its way too early for you to be doing
anything with anyone or even thinking about it… just you
know… i’ve had a ‘thing’ for ya from way back… and
sometimes lately i felt like there might be somethin like that
the other way…but even if there is, right now isn’t the
time… so yea…so there πŸ™‚

SoftLord: so now you know all my dirty little secrets…heheh

Diddlms: well i dont hate you or am not wierded out. Only Id
prefer to keep the dynamics the same with us…i mean i just
wouldnt want to put you in that "Id possably hate your guts
ex boyfriend" catagory.

SoftLord: heh

SoftLord: no, i didn’t think you would be

SoftLord: well, at least now you know πŸ˜›

SoftLord: and that has nothin to do with how much i may
love ya as a friend

SoftLord: apparently i’m in a confessional mood

Diddlms: i know your the mother fucker!

SoftLord: yea.

Diddlms: lol

SoftLord: okay well now i feel weird, but i’ll get over it

SoftLord: πŸ˜›

Diddlms: dont silly ass

SoftLord: k

SoftLord: anywho…congrats on the gallery thing, i’m sure it’ll
lead to more

Diddlms: yeah i so wish

Diddlms: lol

Diddlms: but i will try till i die

SoftLord: heh..who knew you’d be talkin like this about art

Diddlms: no shit

Diddlms: i absolutly love it now

SoftLord: you should thank my dad πŸ™‚

Diddlms: when im famous ill tell everyone that it was charles

SoftLord: heh

SoftLord: i’m sure.

Diddlms: serious

Diddlms: it was your dad who helped me much

SoftLord: there ya go

Diddlms: im sleepy must rest

Diddlms: chat w u in mornin.

SoftLord: okie

Diddlms: ngiht

Diddlms signed off at 1:34:07 A.

Written by admin

April 23rd, 2003 at 8:49 am

Posted in Alex