sdcjournal

I got an IM from Carlin tonight…apparently she was going through some
photos and such and feeling nostalgic. Wasn’t quite sure that I wanted
to respond, but in the end I decided to. Had an interesting
conversation, where basically she said that she’d missed me and that
i’d had an influence in her life, being able to stop and think about
whats really important (friends, music, etc)… Was weird talking to
her, but I pretty much laid it out, since I’m feeling honest. Told her
that there are many things i like about her, but i didn’t think how she
treated me while we were together was very nice and that it didn’t make
me feel like she wanted me there or that i was important. She seemed to
understand where i was coming from and didn’t begrudge me. Basically,
it seemed like she missed me and wanted to reach out. I guess we’ve
both changed a bit. I don’t think I would’ve gotten that level of
forthcomingness and honesty from her 6 months ago, and on the other
hand I dont think I would have been able to verbalize how she’d made me
feel either.
SoftLord: you were saying
chrrybmbnyc: that you’ve had an influence on me
SoftLord: right…and i was asking in what way
chrrybmbnyc: positively. seeing things that I don’t normally take the
time out to see. SoftLord: interesting…like?
chrrybmbnyc: like taking time for me. appreciating music and friends
SoftLord: good!
chrrybmbnyc: thank you
SoftLord: i’m happy to have been the motivation for you realizing whats
really important in this life
it sounds like reassessing life a bit… I’m glad that I was able to be
a good influence on someone that I held in such high regard. Past tense
is still up in the air. I did enjoy chatting with her, I’d missed it.
I think I’m strong enough right now to be able to recognize if I begin
to fall into old patterns, and I think she realizes she respects me
enough not to put me through that again.
It’s nice to have another person to talk to.
This should be interesting, at least.

Carlin-
Although I’m not sure I feel like this is even worth it, here it is.
I need to move on. I don’t feel like I’m being treated how I need to be
treated to be involved with you in any capacity right now. I know you
have a busy schedule, and obviously you feel you need to focus on that.
However, I’m not okay with being put in limbo and on hold, especially
when there have been such mixed messages as to the nature of things
throughout.
I do wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors, though I have no
doubt you’ll be successful at whatever you put yourself to.
That’s really all I had to say. I don’t think it would be good for us
to remain in contact right now.
Be well.
-Jeremy

Ah yes, the letter. Haven’t yet written the letter. Thoughts are
scattered about inclusions. here are some points i need to make
– hasn’t felt like a relationship in awhile
– need to move on
– understand that you dont have time for me, but i can’t wait around,
it’s not fair to me
– according to everyone else we weren’t together anyway, never really
felt it from you

So I’m thinkin about breakin it off with Carlin. After a voicemail and
and email and an IM conversation/threat with Ed, it has officially
become too much work and drama for the time we get to spend together.
And I used to just be able to say ‘hey it’ll get better just be
patient’ but this is just getting ridiculous… When we ARE together we
dont get to be anything resembling what I (or what i think most people)
need in a relationship. I feel bad cause she is still quite a package
and at least part of this is not her doing, but I guess enough is
enough. Maybe someday I’ll let myself be angry about it but for now…
I dont really feel anything…maybe because I haven’t actually told her
its over it doesn’t seem real, but… I haven’t heard from her since
12/30, and I’m not going to be making an attempt to contact her anytime
soon.
Oh well.

Snarki2: I feel that Ed’s a selfish ass
hyperthetical: yeah
hyperthetical: one more chance, eh? 😉
Snarki2: I need him right now. gotta drive the car till the wheels fall
off sometimes
hyperthetical: well… once he stops being of any use… hyperthetical:
i’m just sayin
Snarki2: I hear you. and you know that I know the deal. jaded and all
hyperthetical: listen, about yesterday…i dont mean to be over
dramatic, i just don’t wanna be sittin around and not getting to see
you when i’d like to be… i understand your situation, i guess i’m
just worried that the payoff wont’ come and i’ll just have been waitin
around… i know i’m important to you, but it confuses me when you say
one thing and then do another… i’m sure you can understand it…
maybe i just dont fully grasp where you’re comin from or how this is
gonna work in your mind, and i’d like to…
hyperthetical: since opening yourself up and communicating your
feelings isn’t exactly your strong suit… 😉
hyperthetical: tho i know you’re better at it with me than with most
Snarki2: here’s how it’s gonna work. I’m going to close a deal
licensing the old Pseudo archive and our new programming to Playgirl, a
new Hip Hop channel, etc. Then I’m going to have 3 of our DVDs hit the
market. Finally, we’re going to have our patent granted at the same
timet that Pseudo is going to be 10 years in may. I’m going to ring the
dinner bell and teh $ is going to come rolling in. Then, I’m going to
buy a beach house, chill out, and write
hyperthetical: and how in your mind do i figure in to that
hyperthetical: honestly
Snarki2: you can come over and help me shovel sand
hyperthetical: you knew what i meantm
hyperthetical: meant
Snarki2: thought I did answer
hyperthetical: that wasn’t an answer

Snarki2: yes it was. let’s just focus on fun right now

hyperthetical: well that was the plan for friday night

hyperthetical: i thought

Snarki2: all work and no play

hyperthetical: apparently

Snarki2: so how’s your day

hyperthetical: nobody’s puttin a ring on yer finger but you gotta at least try to show up, ya know?
hyperthetical: busy busy
hyperthetical: fun to be had and all that
Snarki2: not looking for a ring and you know that. just looking to get
out of my business with some $
hyperthetical: i know… i’m just sayin in the meantime, not to be
selfish, but i think its fair to ask for some part of your time to make
it worth it to stick around… otherwise, no matter how special i might
find you, i’m just a sucker sittin with my thumb up my ass waitin for
you to cash out
hyperthetical: in other words i dont need another 6 months of bein
flaked on in my life 🙂
hyperthetical: and contrary to what you might think i’d much rather be
havin fun than havin these convos every other week

SoftLord:: hi.

chrrybmbnyc: he you

chrrybmbnyc: hey

SoftLord:: yes

chrrybmbnyc: just correcting my misspelling

SoftLord:: right

chrrybmbnyc: so how are you

SoftLord:: sick of stuff being difficult that should be easy.

chrrybmbnyc: hear that

SoftLord:: not sure that you do

chrrybmbnyc: ofcourse I do

chrrybmbnyc: I called to hang this weekend

SoftLord:: and i didn’t answer

chrrybmbnyc: don’t I get points for that

SoftLord:: howd that feel

chrrybmbnyc: tit for tat I see

SoftLord:: no, if it’d been tit for tat i wouldve set up plans and then not picked up… quite a few times

chrrybmbnyc: did I miss something

chrrybmbnyc: was working Friday night until 3am – not fun being at a club from 8:30-3am on your feet getting talent releases

SoftLord:: dunno…did you… we
had plans friday night to hang out after our respecive social
obligations… called at 1:30 (When we were supposed to meet up) and
again at 2 and again at 2:30…did not get an answer each time
SoftLord:: not even to say “hey sorry but i got stuck here and i’m just gonna want to go home”, which would’ve been fine

chrrybmbnyc: do you really think I had cell reception in Crobar – buried in the bottom floor with tons of audio equipment

chrrybmbnyc: guess I should have called at 3:00 and wake you up

SoftLord:: if we had plans i think i wouldve thought to check messages or call to reschedule or at least update…

SoftLord:: i was up at 3

SoftLord:: home bein sad cause i didn’t get to see you cause you’d not picked up…again.

chrrybmbnyc: I was working my ass of

chrrybmbnyc: f

SoftLord:: i dont doubt that

chrrybmbnyc: and I was miserable.
sitting there listening to fucking WIT suck balls and kissing their ass
to sign off on the release. all when I don’t even care cause THEY SUCK
SoftLord:: sounds like a good end to that evening wouldve been to have someone to unwind and snuggle wif

chrrybmbnyc: making sure that Chad
did just enough coke to be functional but not enough to fuck himself
(cause he won’t stop doing it), having ed up my ass, and buying Paulina
and Karen drinks. Not my idea of fun
SoftLord:: i know how hard you work

chrrybmbnyc: and now I’m sick

SoftLord:: i just dont know what to
do … i feel like i can’t make plans with you because for one reason
or another they’re not gonna happen and i’m just gonna end up feeling
hurt by it … i dont want to be an obligation, and i dont think its
‘work’ when we’re together…
chrrybmbnyc: no, and we’re going to that christmas party on Thursday

chrrybmbnyc: hold on

SoftLord:: whether or not you do it
maliciously is irrelivant… when we make plans and then you dont show
up it hurts… cause really, what are we doing if we dont end up
spending any time together?
SoftLord:: and i LIKE spending
time with you, and it makes me feel like the opposite is not true if
you can just blow me off… i know you’re busy, and i know you weren’t
just out partying, but…
SoftLord:: and i’m sick of being
flaked on and i’m sick of having this conversation and i’m sick of
things being hard when they should be easy… and thats what i wanted
to say
chrrybmbnyc: well I’ll give you
that. I’m sick and I’m tired and this week I have even more work and
more events. so I don’t ‘know what to say. I hate everything
SoftLord:: i guess i’m just confused as to why you wouldn’t want some positivity in your life with all your other shit going ong

chrrybmbnyc: because I don’t have time for positivity.

chrrybmbnyc: I’m going to go crash on the couch. This antibiotic is kicking my ass. have a good night. sorry. C

SoftLord:: you had the end of friday night and the morning of saturday between business things…

SoftLord:: okay well i dont know
what to do now still…so.. let that be said.

chrrybmbnyc: just

finished meeting with your boy, Tom

hyperthetical: heh…fun fun

hyperthetical: he’s good people

chrrybmbnyc: very nice. although when i first walked in I kind of forgot if and when we met…or rather how drunk I was

hyperthetical: wereyou drunk?

chrrybmbnyc: fuck you

hyperthetical: no, i dont remember

hyperthetical: you met him a couple of times…once at pseudo with me and ed and adam and once at the BBQ

chrrybmbnyc: BBQ?

hyperthetical: that thing in williamsburg

hyperthetical: you bought me soda

hyperthetical: and we flirted

hyperthetical: hehe

chrrybmbnyc: right….he was there? dont remember

hyperthetical: he was, yes

chrrybmbnyc: you tried to flirt you mean

hyperthetical: well who had to try, i already got you to buy me a drink

hyperthetical: :*

hyperthetical: admittedly i was not trying very hard… but it did advance my opinion of you

hyperthetical: i’m like the worlds most easily baited person arent i

chrrybmbnyc: i know

hyperthetical: you know what

chrrybmbnyc: what?

hyperthetical: chrrybmbnyc: i know

chrrybmbnyc: you’re easy

hyperthetical: and at this point you know that from what… distant memory? 😛

hyperthetical: i’m easy for some

chrrybmbnyc: for me…and I like it

hyperthetical: thats part of the reason i continue to let you get away with some of it

chrrybmbnyc: so twisted

hyperthetical: what can i say… i like you… i have a pretty high tolerance with people i like…

hyperthetical: i really wish we had the time together to get further than the ‘like’ part.

chrrybmbnyc: you mean the sticky part

hyperthetical: not just that

hyperthetical: the snuggly sweatpants connection closeness corny part too

hyperthetical: if i just wanted to get into your panties dont you think i wouldve found a more

appropriate person by now

hyperthetical: perhaps you dont yet get
it… if we’re in this then i’m in it for real… i dont like just
playing around with something that isn’t at least going to have the
option to go somewhere forward-like…to have a real, meaningful, deep
connection with someone…which is not to say i’m searchin for
serious-all-the-time certainly… but… real… someone to comfort at
the end of a stressful day, someone to have inside jokes and be silly
with… hyperthetical: and you LOVE my speeches.

chrrybmbnyc: I’d call them diatribes

hyperthetical: well pardon me for being eloquent 😛

chrrybmbnyc: ]

hyperthetical: what’s that for

chrrybmbnyc: just like making an angry face

hyperthetical: you also like not giving me anything by way of your side of things…sometimes it

feels like i’m talkin to a sponge…. a cute sponge, but a sponge nonetheless..

hyperthetical: stupid wireless…back

hyperthetical: *waits*

chrrybmbnyc: *pants*

hyperthetical: ?

chrrybmbnyc: too easy

hyperthetical: …

hyperthetical: yuo’re just not gonna make any of this any easier are you

hyperthetical: for either of us

chrrybmbnyc: sorry I’m in a playful mood

chrrybmbnyc: well rested and all

hyperthetical: so i see… doesn’t mean i dont deserve an actual response 😛

chrrybmbnyc: of course not.

hyperthetical: yuo’re new to this whole ‘prompting for a response’ thing arent you

hyperthetical: most people would have at
least something to say in response to something like that…be it
‘sounds good lets go for it’, ‘i cant commit to something like that
right now’ … ‘sorry but i’m just using you for your eloquence’ …
something. does not make me feel too good about it that you chose to
say “*pants*”instead
hyperthetical: what is it that you’re scared of

chrrybmbnyc: commitment

hyperthetical: because the last time it happened you got fucked over

chrrybmbnyc: I’m not bitter. It wasn’t
that I got fucked over it’s that it didn’t work and I think it was me.
Don’t think I have the personality for it. So maybe I’m internalized
things too much

hyperthetical: things dont work out
sometimes… doesn’t mean you should give up on them forever…. people
change… if we didn’t change and grow what would be the point of life.
hyperthetical: Carlin. I won’t make a fool of you.

hyperthetical: i’m just sayin.

hyperthetical: we’ve all had things not
work out.. certainly i’ve been burned my fair share… but i gotta
believe if i continue to try my best to keep an open mind to new
people, things will work out… doesn’t mean i dont have walls same as
you or that its difficult to let people in… i just feel like
sometimes its worth it to try.
hyperthetical: brb dont go nowhere

hyperthetical: back

hyperthetical: and you couldve just said that at the beginning

chrrybmbnyc: just gun shy…relax. I can’t promise anything but lots of fun and a true friend

hyperthetical: i have a lot of friends.

chrrybmbnyc: I’m not making a statement about sexuality but about being real

hyperthetical: as was i

chrrybmbnyc: just going to rub me hard today

hyperthetical: apparently… i’m
sick of treading water with things that are important to me… not just
you…i need something to progress…for my own sanity, and you’re
probably the part of my life with the greatest possibilities…i just
wanna be on the same page
chrrybmbnyc: on the same page with you – have a line on an apartment. trying to progress also

hyperthetical: just want to know
that i’m part of your plans like you’re part of mine, ya know…call me
insecure… 😛 .. .and just want to get on with it, ya know… good
times are ahead!

SoftLord: i’m
involved with someone who doesn’t have time for me but wishes she did,
and i’m waiting because i dont have somewhere better to be and it
doesn’t suck enough to leave

Jaesabel: oh been there

Jaesabel: not a fan

SoftLord: no

Jaesabel: Eid doesnt really have time for me either

SoftLord: but i get a taste of her a couple of times a week… enough to keep me hangin on

SoftLord: and i haven’t seen her in 3 weeks… again…

Jaesabel:
he still hasnt told his dad but he told his mom and all of his friends
and extended family know me so i think its no coincidence that his dad
suddenly needs him all the time

Jaesabel: three weeks is a long time jemmy

SoftLord: and i find myself rehearsing a breakup speech that i dont want to give cause i do genuinely like her

Jaesabel: yup

SoftLord: and if the timing were different…

SoftLord: but if we end it, i have the gut feeling that the window wont reappear

Jaesabel:
i find myself thinking of people i shouldnt back home and how poorly
Eid will fit in there to give myself an excuse to end it now

Jaesabel: yeah….

for someone who has such impressive rhetoric about people who make
relationships more complicated, you do have a knack for creating
complication. you with your non-answers and mixed messages and busy
schedule. You do a good job of making it difficult to want to be with
you. Then again, you did say that in the beginning, though I called it
a copout at the time (as i always do, as I have a feeling anyone with
half a brain who’s heard that line does.
If you decided to take the time to let someone in, (as opposed to
‘keeping them on their toes’) perhaps your feelings would change about
yourself and other people. Stringing people along is not fun for anyone
involved, however, and thats what i’m feeling. And yet even as I write
this I’m feeling bad about it because you say you are trying, and that
you do want to be with me. So I find myself, as with seemingly
everything else in my sad little existance, treading water.
Don’t want to end it before anything has a chance to start, dont want
to continue on like this, haven’t gotten any indication that anything’s
going to change. Same place we’ve been for the last 2 months. A
significant portion of our interaction.
If this doesn’t matter to you, if you’re unconcerned, or not concerned
enough to act, or dont see anything amiss, or whatever, then I don’t
know. I don’t want to feel like interacting with you is a waste of my
time, but… I’ve done pretty much all I can do to move things forward
even a little bit, to no avail. If you can’t be in something, then tell
me, and I can work with it.
Give me heaven or give me hell, but not this purgatory.
And yet I know if you call me tomorrow I’ll still get that rush.
Tick tock.

You’re a trip. All I want is to spend time with you, to learn about
you, to feel with you, your touch, your spirit. To learn to love you.
And what you give me is phone flirtation and invites to clubs. I’m not
that guy. I’m not the guy you go out with, I’m the guy you come home
to. I’m not the guy you shmooze at the club, i’m the guy who makes fun
of that guy with you after he leaves. I’m not fake, I’m real. And that
deserves some attention. Twice in two months, no matter how hectic your
schedule is, doesn’t tell me that I’m important to you. And its
something that bothers me. I need to feel like i’m important to you.
I’m just down the block. Take some of your precious time and spend it
with me. An hour a week? We all have crazy lives. Some of us realize
that there are people in our lives that can keep us sane and grounded;
people we can think about and be happy that they’re in our lives. Some
of us try very hard to let those people know that they’re important to
us. Take the time. Some of us are worth the trouble or working them in
to your crazy life. Without avoiding the question, or suggesting backup
plans.
The funny thing is, if you wanted to, you could do all of these things,
and it wouldn’t take that much at all. You could take me, take us, a
little bit seriously. I guess we can’t both have it our way.
Such a trip.
Too bad you’ll never fucking read this.
Tick tock.