Private Journal – Keep Out.

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I don’t for a minute regret having been with you. We had something special and maybe we will again, but for now I’m not comfortable resuming our relationship in any fashion. I’m just not ready, i can’t rebound as quickly as you can, I suppose. It takes me longer to recover from a broken heart, though it would surprise me and would be a little dissapointing if could honestly say that you’re over me already. I do miss your company, not only as a friend (though i know that I can’t have any more), and i hope that at some point we can resume contact, but at the moment i’m scared to even run into you because i don’t know how i’d react.

I know that perhaps you’ve moved on and I hope you’re happy. As always, I just want you to be as happy and content as you can be, with or without me. I said that when we were together and I still say it. I hate sleeping alone and miss the feel of your body against mine and your scent, but its apparently just not meant to be for either of us right now. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time for us. I do miss you and think about you all the time. Believe me, this isn’t changing my feelings about enjoying spending time with you as a person, I just can’t right now. I think that I’ll know if and when I can and you’ll be the second to know. Don’t think for a second, however, that my heart doesn’t still hurt when I think of you and the love we shared.

I’m trying to take things one day at a time. I just really don’t want this to end with anger and i don’t want you to hate me because i don’t hate you. I don’t want to lose you completely.

I know this may make me sound pathetic to you but you know how much I cared for you. In many ways I’m still in shock over not having you to come home to anymore.

I hope you can understand all of this, because it was very difficult for me to write. I don’t really see how you have room to get angry, as it was your decision to break up, not mine. As for your stuff, it is being shipped to you early this week. I just haven’t been to work to send it out.

Please know that I’ll always love you and you’ll always be special to me. I said that when we were together and it is still true.


Written by admin

October 2nd, 1999 at 2:23 pm

Posted in Meri


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You have no idea how hurt and destroyed inside I am that you decided to give up our relationship so you could have sex with other guys. I hope you realize what it is that you’ve given up. All the sex in the world couldn’t compare to what I’ve given you and was prepared to give and get from you. I’m talking about real love and respect. I was ready to give you the moon and the stars and you opted for “experimenting”. Is it really worth it to you? Are you that unable to comprehend the difference between sex and love that you’d rather dump me then have sex only with me?

I thought at the beginning of our relationship that I was going to want to play. At that point I was just starting to understand my feelings. As our relationship grew I realized that all I wanted was you. At that point it was too late to change the status of our relationship. You can’t possibly know how hurt I am that you weren’t satisfied with only me. Of course I find others attractive, that’s natural, but not enough that I would sacrifice what I had with you for some cheap fling or one night thing or even sleeping with a friend. I loved you, and I was in love with you, and you betrayed me. Admittedly we were in a relationship that allowed for some of such things but honestly that doesn’t make it hurt any less. And the fact that you would sacrifice what we had in order to have a few boytoys and to be able to fuck who you want makes my heart bleed.

That light in my eyes that you always talked about not wanting to destroy? Well it’s gone now, and you’re the only one who has a hope of restoring it. I can’t sleep in my bed anymore because it’s too big without you, and my room smells of you. I’m scared to try to move on with my life because maybe you’ll realize what you’re doing and want to come back and i’ll have moved on and that would hurt you and I don’t want to hurt you. I guess we’ll just have to see what happens. I’ve learned to take things one day at a time. Forever is no longer a realistic concept.

Everytime I think about where you are and what you may be doing with god knows who another part of me begins to hurt. Sex is something special. It was something special with us and you’ve cheapened it to something to do because its there or because someone brags about how good they are in bed.

I can only hope that you realize what you’ve done and decide to do something about it. I don’t know that I will even be able to or want to be with you after you decided to have sex with people rather than be with me, but I miss you terribly. Only you can make the decision, and I hope you are mature enough or will be soon to make the non-superficial one. Anyone can give you sex, sex is easy. Love is not. And what we had was love, whether you want to admit it to yourself or not.

And about whether you deserve me or not, when you go out and sleep with other guys, no you don’t. That doesn’t mean that you don’t in general, but when you hurt me you don’t deserve me, because I don’t deserve to be treated that way. I gave you nothing but all of my love our entire relationship, and to do that to me makes me feel like I mean nothing to you, which really hurts. You can be what I deserve but not when you’re doing that. You’re hurting yourself and you’re hurting me.

I’m sure that your friends are telling you that I’m the one being immature because I can’t let you do what you want and that i haven’t been able to talk to you, but honestly, it’s not me. I know that part of you knows this and the rest of you will get defensive, but you have some serious growing up to do. Not that I don’t as well, but that doesn’t change things.

Just remember if you complain to your friends about guys that you had one of the good ones and you traded him for sex.

I do hope that you find someone who deserves you and who you deserve, and deep down in my heart I hope that person is me, though I don’t know how accurate that is anymore. I don’t know in what capacity I can be in your life and how much I can let you back in mine, if at all, because of the choices you’ve made. After this, nothing can be the same.

I’m sorry you felt the need to do this.

Goodbye for now.


Written by admin

September 16th, 1999 at 2:22 pm

Posted in Meri


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do i still love her?
have i moved on
do i want to move on
do i want to deal with the games
can she be with me without the games.
how do i feel
can i feel anymore
what do i feel about her
can she be what i need
can i be what she needs
what do i need/want
what does she need/want
can i have her in my life
can i have her out of my life

Written by admin

September 10th, 1999 at 2:23 pm

Posted in Meri