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Conversation with mom about buying a house

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Laura Meyers

Is the mortgage in both your name s

6:14

Jeremy Meyers

yes

also what we didn’t account for when you and i talked about it is that she wouldn’t owe me 50k, she’d owe me 25

6:16

Laura Meyers

25k that way you both own half of the asset

6:16

Jeremy Meyers

yes

we are buying a house togehter, i am not giving her a loan so she can buy a house

6:18

Laura Meyers

Not sure what point you are making

6:18

Jeremy Meyers

that’s ok

i’m just saying in the calculations, we didn’t take that into account in our conversation

6:20

Laura Meyers

As opposed to you buying the house solely?

6:21

Jeremy Meyers

as opposed to her buying it and me loaning her the down payment month

money

i am loaning her her half of the down payment money

6:21

Laura Meyers

Right

And she is paying you back by paying more towards the mortgage payments

6:23

Jeremy Meyers

yes

plus any profits from the eventual sale of the place up to the amount she owes me

6:26

Laura Meyers

We were talking about what would happen.if you brake up

6:26

Jeremy Meyers

then she’d owe me the remainder

6:27

Laura Meyers

Ok

And who is responsible for the rest of the mortgage

6:28

Jeremy Meyers

what do you mean

6:30

Laura Meyers

If you don’t sell the house who pays for the mortgage

6:30

Jeremy Meyers

you mean if we break up and don’t sell the house?

6:30

Laura Meyers

Yes or can’t

6:31

Jeremy Meyers

whoever stays will pay for it, i imagime

6:33

Laura Meyers

If you beak up and up and can’t sell the house what happens

6:34

Jeremy Meyers

i kind of dont’ want to talk abotu this like that anymore. and also i’m not sure people would be asking that question if we were married. we just signed paperwork and are under due dilligence, i’m not going to focus on what happens if we break up and the housing market crashes, and its kind of making me feel less excited about buying a house, so can we change the subject please

6:36

Laura Meyers

Alan brought it up and he agrees with you

Written by admin

April 13th, 2015 at 3:14 pm

Posted in Family

I wish – Dad Edition Take One

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I wish that I felt more important than your freedom to do your art

I wish that the thing I was more important than at least made you happy.

I wish that I didn’t feel like I wasn’t even worth that, sometimes.

I wish you had made an effort to understand me on my own terms.

I wish that I didn’t feel so conflicted about how I feel about you, that you were all bad or all not bad.

I wish that I didn’t still feel the need to defend you, and that i felt okay writing you off.

I wish that you’d taught me how to shave.

I wish that we’d been able to have adult conversations where i felt listened to.

I wish that you didn’t both feel sad about our relationship and unwilling to make changes to improve it.

I wish I didn’t have to read about our relationship in a psychology book 20 years later than would have been super useful.

I wish my mom didn’t say that it would probably be better if people like you didn’t have kids. I wish I didn’t agree. I wish this list felt less angsty and juvenile.

I wish I’d felt like you valued building my agency, independence and motivation.

I wish I didn’t have to defer to your needs, and I wish this wasn’t framed in a way in which it seemed ‘normal’ and like it was aberrant for me to have and express my own needs, and that it would be ridiculous for me to have them met.

I wish you’d made room for me. I wish I couldn’t come up with examples where you did and feel like they negate my right to say that.

I wish I could’ve been RIGHT, sometimes.

I wish I didn’t feel like I have things that aren’t fair to add to this list.

Written by admin

December 15th, 2014 at 1:17 am

Posted in Family

Letter to Irene

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Hey Irene-

Hope all is well with you.

Well, at the end of two weeks of work, the loft is closer to being emptied out than ever.  Throughout the course of my trip here, I have had my friends, some of Kate’s friends and some friends of friends come over to select some of my dad’s art to take home. We’ve also cleared a TON of other stuff out. I’m not sure you’ll even recognize it.

You will be pleased to know that everyone who came over felt very taken with his work and many people took more than one piece (some taking as many as six or seven).

Some of my dad’s friends came over.  They typically took one or two small pieces and mostly grabbed art supplies.  Pedro came over to take his painting, Donna Marxer took a bunch of works on paper and Doug Sheer took a carload of stuff. Jackie, Vickie and a few others came by as well.

Lynn Mayo was super helpful in coordinating and making people aware of stuff.  I have put a call out to anyone who came to take work to email me photos of the work in their homes, and I am planning to put them onto a revamped charlesmeyers.com as i receive them.

On to what remains… The black flat file is filled up, and there is much additional work on top of it.  There are probably about 6 or 7 big (over 7’) ones, three medium sized (5’-6’) ones, four medium-large (6’) ones and six medium-small ones that have not been placed, along with some framed works on paper and the trunk of Nocturnals, which you wanted.  I may be missing a few items.

As you said you wanted the works on paper, I am leaving it to you to relocate them.

Lynn Mayo also mentioned that she will be reaching out to some folks who we may not have.  She is an awesome coordinator, and I let her know to connect with you in terms of getting people to the loft after I’m gone.

You should know (if you don’t already) that the co-op has pretty strict regulations on the process of taking sizable items out on the elevator.  I would recommend that you coordinate with my mom (I believe you have her information) and choose a day that people can come over.  She will need to be there, and if you plan to take the flat files or larger items, you or she will need to get the elevator padding from Annie Shaver.

Albert Depas came over and wanted to see if he could take some materials which he left there.  They are in a black garbage bag in the first room closest to the studio, with a piece of tape with his name on it.  I told him he could coordinate with you to pick them up. There is also a FastCompany-branded tote bag in the same place which seems to contain some of your work.  Additionally, there is that trunk with all the nocturnals in it that is all yours.

My mom has hired a trucking company to clear out a bunch of garbage and furniture.  They will be there next Saturday, March 1. They are not taking any of the art or the flat files or anything.  You should be careful as to what you leave lying around, though, because I won’t be there to know what is to-keep and what is to-toss and I wouldn’t want them to grab something you wanted inadvertently.

So, in terms of moving forward, I am aware that there are some of his friends that have not yet had an opportunity to select some work (Lynn seemed to know of some of his ‘hospital friends’ that didn’t get an email from us. sorry about that.)  They are welcome to coordinate with you to get in to the loft, and i would ask that you send me an email letting me know when that is happening just so I can avoid nasty surprises from the other residents.  I trust you to be discreet, etc.

I would like to have all of his art either in the hands of someone, or in your possession, by early April.  If (as I assume) there are some pieces for which homes cannot be found, I have a contact at a art school who would be ecstatic to have the canvases to paint over.

We’re getting closer to being able to close this chapter!

All best

-Jeremy

Written by admin

February 24th, 2014 at 10:32 pm

Posted in Family

Individuation

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been talking in therapy about how i dont really feel like an adult and its come to surface that i still rely on my mom for a lot of stuff i should be doing myself at this age, and how some of it is because i never really individuated myself as a teenager

the whole individuating thing is bringing up a lot of abandonment and self-destructive stuff. which i’m trying to keep in perspective…like… kate wants to go on vacataion to an island and has been bugging me to get my passport for a month, and i realize that i haven’t done it thusfar because it doesn’t seem like something within my power over my own life to do…nd i’m trying really hard not to resent her for bugging me.

individuating more like…separating myself from my identity as my parents child and into an individual role as an adult responsible for myself, which people usually do for the most part during adolescence, but since my parents were busy fighitng and splitting up when that happened, it didn’t really happen then for me

similar resentment connected to the ‘i want to do it for me and not because someone asked me to’ that gets triggered from parental invovlement

i finally went and got myself a passport

Overall themes:

– Disengaging and redefining triggering abandonment

– Individuating friction resentment paralysis

Written by admin

May 16th, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Posted in Family

depression baby

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trying to figure out my specific triggers as to how it has become so hard for me to act on my own behalf, be ‘selfish’, take credit for my own accomplishments and skills.  I’ve been focusing on it in therapy since obviously that kind of stuff is important when trying to get hired and such.  its a weird combination of self-confidence and utter unwillingness to share it to the point where if i dont have an emergent medical need i wont make myself a doctors appointment…and i still have my mom make haircut appointments for the two of us. These are both a subset of the same thing: somehow i feel like im ‘bothering’ them, or that ‘doing without’ is the more appropriate choice.

 

Suzanne-Juliette Mobley

i was thinking your dad, my dad and nana, oliver’s grandparents who raised him all depression era

so maybe that is it

raised with an ethic of do for yourself, make do, shut up and look at how much other people are suffering

2:19

Jeremy Meyers

plsu my dad has the ‘starving artist’ thing too

where its ‘if you want to be creative, you have to suffer suffer suffer’

 

2:20

Suzanne-Juliette Mobley

my parents both had the service thing your duty is to use your talents for the good of others

2:20

Jeremy Meyers

well thats not a problem. its only when its combined with ‘and never take care of yourself when you could do without’ that it becomes a problem

 

2:21

Suzanne-Juliette Mobley

right

 

 

 

 

Written by admin

May 16th, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Posted in Family

Rut

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I’m scared that I’m getting in my own way when it comes til getting a job, our sabotaging myself.

Maybe I don’t want to let myself succeed because I’ll be all out of excuses and can’t blame my parents for my troubles.

Need to better define the problem and not resist doing so

What keeps me trapped?

Don’t want anyone s seeing me doing well, or doing what.I love

Don’t want to impose.

Problems are meant to be endured, not addressed?

Pressure of being creative with a creative family?

Avoiding responsibility for my own life?

Don’t want my successes taken away?

Safety net of angst is a connection where no other exists?

If I’m over it, where does that leave my relationship with my parents?

Am I doing it for them somehow

I feel guilty for trying to change myself once it butts up against others expectations of me…?

Ruts must end

Written by admin

August 2nd, 2011 at 10:10 am

Posted in Family,Work

Compassion

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Jeremy Meyers
that was an exhausting day

Laura Meyers
sunday? or yesterday?

Jeremy Meyers
sunday

Laura Meyers
me too – i additionally had the brunch to set up and clean up
i am still exhausted

Jeremy Meyers
emotionally too

Laura Meyers
the brunch or giving away your stuff?
or both

Jeremy Meyers
the day in general i guess

Laura Meyers
like seeing alan’s family in action?

Jeremy Meyers
no. i dunno..lots of people i dont know.. and then having them come and take stuff from my childhood, and being in that place is draining anyway

Laura Meyers
yes – it is draining for me also. for me it seems like an insurmountable mounds of dusty stuff

Jeremy Meyers
i mean, emotionallly…all the stuff that went on there, and the painful memories of living there and stuff

Laura Meyers
there were good memories also

Jeremy Meyers

fine
okay
nevermind
sometimes i just need you to be supportive of me around that kind of thing without trying to minimize it or deflect it.

Laura Meyers
i can’t change the past –

Jeremy Meyers
i wasn’t asking you to
but acknowledging that it was a hard thing for me to go through, and that i have a legitimate right to be drained or uncomfortable around stuff like that is something that i can get frustrated when i dont get from you. thats not the same as wallowing in it or feeling bad about it or shameful or blaming… but often i dont feel like you even feel like its valid for it to still be difficult for me.

Laura Meyers
i hear what you are saying – and I am sorry that you do not feel that i do not acknowledge your feelings around your childhood trauma(s) – I do know how painful it was for you.and that you still are dealing with the pain. I personally don’t feel that a place or thing has that much significance

the challenges are with you

Jeremy Meyers
thats fine, but places or things can trigger emotions.

Laura Meyers
ok – and on top of that the vibe currently at the bond street loft is so depressing

Jeremy Meyers
it was depressing when i was living there too.

Laura Meyers
that is true

Jeremy Meyers
anyway, some acknowledgement would be nice sometimes… i’m not like..obsessing over it every day, but theres a lot of stuff i’m working out in therapy, and i think its important for me to feel like you know that it was a hard time for me and can be compassionate about it.  i’m not asking you to rehash all the stuff that went on or whatever, and i undersatnd youv’e moved on, but it affected me too.

i wasn’t looking for an answer…just something to think about

Laura Meyers

i hear you –

i feel like i was there for you and I did the best I could to help you – your were in a terrible depression and it was very hard to reach you and find a solution – getting you to therapy was the best I could do – and yes of course it was horribly painful for you and for me  — and as a parent I tried all that I thought I could do to help you.

Jeremy Meyers
i’m not saying ‘you didnt do enough and you should feel bad about it stil’.  im saying ‘sometimes things are still emotionally hard for me where they might not be for you, and you might not understand why but id like it if you understood and acknowledged’

Laura Meyers
So when i hear you are having a hard emotional time – instead of me saying look on the bright side – or the equivalent cliche – i should be more empathetic and say that yes I can understand why you are feeling that way.

Jeremy Meyers
yes. or just be aware that these situations can be emotionally charged for me even though they may not reflect how i feel overall or in my current life, and that theres unresolved stuff

Laura Meyers

okay – at my age and stage of life – I realize that vestiges of unresolved issues remain they just don’t have the power they once had

Jeremy Meyers
ok, but we are in different stages.

Laura Meyers
i was just saying . . . like fyi

Jeremy Meyers
i know

Laura Meyers
gotta go to sleep — i love you very much

Jeremy Meyers
ok
thanks
i didn’t meant to be difficult, just something that’s been weighing on me.

Written by admin

February 16th, 2011 at 12:01 am

Posted in Family

My dad is old.

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Kate and I went to have dinner with Irene and my dad this past Friday.

My dad is old now. he’s gone from a person who i’ve loved, hated, respected, to one of those old people who has a hard time hearing, whose hand shakes, who talks about being old.

all this time i’ve spent resenting him, all those years i didn’t hardly talk to him at all. and now he’s old. the life is draining out of him, it seems. how much longer do i have with him.  why does it make me sad for several days after seeing him. why have i wasted so much time, and why is it still hard to spend time together.

what does this mean about me. I’ve never really felt like an adult. I’ve always on some level felt like a son, someone who’s fooling everyone into thinking i’m a responsible adult with taxes and rent and priorities and a 401k and fancy shoes.  how much of this is due to my relationships with my parents…what does it mean when he’s gone?

christ, someday he’ll be gone.

anyway, he’s old. it’s not an act. he’s not faking. he never learned how to not have to drown out the voices inside, the opportunities around the internet, the connection….all the things i’m interested in.

christ, someday he’ll be gone.

I remember thinking about this as a teenager, and then realizing that i wont have to deal with it until my mid-30s at least, probably.

Well, here I am.

Written by admin

April 11th, 2010 at 11:54 am

Posted in Family

being ahead of the curve

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Just coming to some realizations about how lonely and isolating it is being ahead of the curve and how i really crave the opportunity to have someone just GET it and not have to prove myself to skeptics who will get it two years from now when im on to the next thing.

And how maybe its connected to not being recognized for my value or being nurtured much growing up

And living with my dad as an adult but not really talking to him or whatever

Just feel kinda out of phase somehow. And then i feel self pity and then i feel like ‘um dude youre not like..ubergenius prognosticator of the world smarter than everyone

Just got out of therapy, im heading to the train. I love you and i love that you get me and support me. Its super important to me and thank you.

And living with my dad as an adult but not really talking to him or whatever

Written by admin

April 11th, 2010 at 10:08 am

Posted in Family,Work

Happy Birthday to ME

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“All the happiness” -D

“Saying this does not make it true. Things need to change. This is an unhealthy relationship. I don’t want it to get worse.” -J

Written by admin

April 28th, 2005 at 11:08 pm

Posted in Family