Private Journal – Keep Out.

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reaction to delivery of the letter to my dad

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D”i hit you once and it was to stop you from breaking your arm again”
D”i’m sorry you remember me as such an ogre”
D”i remember things very differently”
D”it was not meant to hurt you”
M”i need to be treated as an adult, and all i know is your behavior makes me feel like you want me to be 15 forever, and it’s not fair”
D”i never have people sleep over”
D”its my house because of parental responsiblity, because of property”
D”i dont know what your mother told you about paying rent but it’s not valid”
M”i’m not a child i’m 26. me having somebody stay over at my house is a lot different than it is for you”
M”all those people that used to come over here dont anymore because they’re scared of you and because they felt bad that whenever they came over i would get yelled at”
M”I’m willing to discuss setting some ground rules about having people stay over. I understand your fears about having a house filled with people, but thats not what I need to be able to do.”
D”If you dont’ like it then maybe you should find another place to live, or i can sell the house to your mother and you can live with her”
M”So what, i’m 26 and i’m just never going to have any kind of social life because its inconvenient for you?”
D”I dont want to see strangers sleeping in my house”
M”What, do you think I just pick people off of the street and invite them to sleep at my house?”
D”I hear you talking about letting people stay who are flying in”
D”i need to think about it”
D”i’m sorry you see me as such a villain in your life, it was all done out of love, i see it very differently”

Written by admin

April 21st, 2005 at 8:13 pm

Posted in Family

Another Letter

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It should not come as a surprise to you that our relationship over the past years has been strained at best. I feel like I’m at a place in my life where, in order to continue to improve myself, this needs to be addressed.

You need to know that I feel the way you treated me growing up was horrendous and has drastically affected my ability to grow and mature.

There is no excusing physical abuse. Not for any reason. Not a chaotic home or anger management issues. Hitting someone whose arm is in a cast is beyond inexcusable, especially if that person is your son. My entire teenage life was spent trying to avoid the yelling, fighting and hitting. Part of this avoidance was a long bout with depression my freshman year. You may remember that once I was able to return to school, I spent long hours at Urban. This was not because I liked it there, though certainly it was better than previous school situations. It was because I was afraid to come home and wanted to delay it as long as possible. I think I would have slept there if I could.

It didn’t help that once I was home, bringing any friends over was basically an invitation for you to humiliate me in front of them by yelling at me about the noise (even when it was within reasonable levels) or anything else. It got to the point where my friends didn’t want to spend time with me at my house because they were afraid of you, and I was ashamed to invite them over and so my isolation continued, and continues. I understand that you were tolerant of having Sue and Meri stay for extended periods. This, however, does not make how you treated me in front of my other friends okay.

I certainly don’t feel like I can comfortably have someone sleep over or even come over at night, be it a friend or a potential girlfriend or anything, because of the fear of having you humiliate me or them or making the situation so uncomfortable that any relationship I could be having with them is sabotaged and I continue to be alone. I should not have to ask your permission to have Sue stay in my guest room if she is in town. It is not your call, I am just as much a part of the household as you are, and I am not a child asking a parent for a playdate.

I don�t even feel free to exist in the house because the energy between us is so strained, so I confine myself to my computer or my TV or my bedroom. When you were away, there was a tangible difference in how I felt about my freedom to move about the house without having to be concerned with either avoiding or interacting with you.

I am not a child anymore. This is why it is important to me to be able to do my own laundry and take out the garbage and why it makes me so frustrated when you do it for me. I know you don’t see it as a big deal, but I do. I need to know that you’re at least trying to deal with me in an adult fashion. I’m old enough to be responsible for my own life. The fact that I’m living at home is mostly because of the location and the space. If we had been living in a small studio apartment, I would have found another living situation by now.

Now, I know that some of these fears and behaviors are based on a situation that has changed somewhat, and I can appreciate that you don’t seem to be the same kind of person that you were 10 years ago, but that doesn’t make my feelings any less valid.

I continue to stop myself from doing things that would make me happy because I feel like if I was then somehow it would put how I was treated in an “ends justify the means” kind of situation, and I can’t let that happen, so I continue to isolate myself from other people, and it takes a lot for me to treat myself to something that would make me feel good.

I need to be able to move on. I can’t keep living in my house, where I pay rent feeling like any time I have to interact with you I have to restrain myself from just being angry. I have so much built up that I feel like I need to swallow it down not to start screaming and never stop, and so it feeds itself over and over.

I’m not sure how I expect you to respond to this. I would like you to take some responsibility for how you treated me. I would like to be able to get past this so that we can have at least a civil relationship, like adults, rather than feeling like I am still 15 and afraid of being hit if I speak up or show my feelings.

There are other things that I’d like to discuss with you that I haven’t included in this letter, but I’d like you to really read this and try to understand it before you respond.

I just can’t continue to keep myself from being happy.

Your Son,


Written by admin

April 6th, 2005 at 5:23 pm

Posted in Family

Family Pre-Move

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hyperthetical (11:15:14 AM): hey
StillwelNY (11:15:17 AM): hi
StillwelNY (11:15:21 AM): pretty day huh?
hyperthetical (11:15:44 AM): didn’t really notice
StillwelNY (11:16:33 AM): i read your journal – i gather he believes you are paying rent but gives it no significance
StillwelNY (11:17:02 AM): and that he will think about it – not sure if that is a way of putting you off or really will

hyperthetical (11:20:33 AM): he brought you up in the rent part of it
hyperthetical (11:20:42 AM): ‘i dont know what she told you but it doesn’t matter’ something like thta
hyperthetical (11:20:43 AM): that
StillwelNY (11:21:42 AM): could never figure out his paranoia
hyperthetical (11:22:11 AM): apparently he doesn’t want the house turning into a crash pad
hyperthetical (11:22:14 AM): whatever the hell that means
StillwelNY (11:22:52 AM): once again think that he is fearful and paranoid – so whatever his fear and paranoia evoke???

hyperthetical (11:25:35 AM): i was starting to feel so much better about my life and this just took me right back to when iwas 15

hyperthetical (11:25:56 AM): he denied having hit me more than once, didn’t remember yelling at me in front of my friends

StillwelNY (11:28:57 AM): in my opinion, you are not going to change him very much – you are going to have to get your needs taken care by negotiating from a place of strength

hyperthetical (11:29:19 AM): i told him i would try to take his concerns into account
StillwelNY (11:29:33 AM): that is a good start
hyperthetical (11:29:34 AM): i mean what can i do…invite people over and have them yelled at and kicked out?
StillwelNY (11:31:24 AM): perhaps you can tell him not to yell at your friends and then do a practice run with somebody that will not get crazy when he yells like Sue

StillwelNY (11:31:38 AM): assuming she doesn’t
hyperthetical (11:31:47 AM): sue doesn’t want to spend any more time there thanshe absolutely has to
hyperthetical (11:31:57 AM): plus she’s not back til june at the earliest
hyperthetical (11:32:09 AM): i dont feel like i can have any kind of a social life that doesn’t involve avoiding going home

StillwelNY (11:32:24 AM): how often is charly away
hyperthetical (11:32:32 AM): not often enough
StillwelNY (11:32:36 AM): and do you know if advance
StillwelNY (11:32:44 AM): and do you know in advance
hyperthetical (11:32:48 AM): a couple of days sometimes
hyperthetical (11:33:03 AM): and i’m 26, i shouldn’t hav eto plan my ability to have friends around when my dad is out of the house

StillwelNY (11:33:43 AM): because you dad is not normal — so you can not get rational behavior from him
StillwelNY (11:33:59 AM): he does not seem to be able to control his temper
hyperthetical (11:34:45 AM): if it was based on some understandable rationale, like if we were screaming and banging pots and pans at 3 in the morning

StillwelNY (11:35:26 AM): but his behavior is not based on rational –
hyperthetical (11:35:35 AM): no shit
StillwelNY (11:36:52 AM): so you have a situation or dilema — very objectively speaking — where you are living in a great place with a great rent the only drawback is you share it with a lunatic who happens to be your father

hyperthetical (11:37:15 AM): i think share is overstating it
StillwelNY (11:37:26 AM): inhabit it
StillwelNY (11:38:02 AM): so if you start from that premise, you can plan your options
StillwelNY (11:38:23 AM): but i do not think you are going to change c’s behavior
StillwelNY (11:47:59 AM): did i say something wrong or are you busy?
hyperthetical (11:53:27 AM): sorry was in a mtg
hyperthetical (11:53:37 AM): you’re still trying to get me to move out
StillwelNY (11:54:24 AM): one mo
StillwelNY (11:57:02 AM): i don’t think that i have any motive – i am just trying to be a reality check
StillwelNY (11:58:42 AM): it is apparently a very emotional situation for you — i think it would be helpful to look at it more objectively and examine options. — like perhaps build a whole separate area in the loft — like splitting it in two

StillwelNY (11:59:35 AM): i appreciate what a good deal it is and hard it will be to find a comparable space or even a decent space

StillwelNY (12:00:20 PM): so there needs to be some creative thinking going on instead of battling with C because that is like banging your head against the wall

hyperthetical (12:00:53 PM): i would not mind splitting the loft up with separate entrances i just think it would be very expensive

hyperthetical (12:02:45 PM): john’s space looks really nice
StillwelNY (12:02:58 PM): then do the numbers — how much would it cost to be in another place – like $2500/ month — which is like $30,000 / year in two years 60,000. You could take out a loan and probably be ahead of the game — or i am giving this example on how to think about it

hyperthetical (12:03:44 PM): i wouldn’t know how to start
hyperthetical (12:03:50 PM): er… i dont know how to start
hyperthetical (12:03:55 PM): and technically
hyperthetical (12:03:59 PM): at least according to dad
hyperthetical (12:04:05 PM): i have no rights in terms of being able to do something like that
StillwelNY (12:04:13 PM): but I do
hyperthetical (12:05:16 PM): yes
StillwelNY (12:05:18 PM): i think we can discuss all of the options
hyperthetical (12:05:23 PM): so i would need your help
StillwelNY (12:05:59 PM): so maybe we can help eachother
hyperthetical (12:06:33 PM): what can i help with
StillwelNY (12:07:37 PM): i do not have any concrete answers right now — we can discuss all of the possibilities and ramifications.

hyperthetical (12:07:50 PM): i would appreciate it
hyperthetical (12:08:11 PM): i dont really have other people in my life i can talk to about important stuff
StillwelNY (12:08:11 PM): But i think the important part for you now is to try to deal with the charley part of it
StillwelNY (12:08:37 PM): well then i am here for that —
StillwelNY (12:08:46 PM): and i am a business person too
StillwelNY (12:09:25 PM): by the charly part i mean to see the reality of the situation — in case you do not already
StillwelNY (12:10:54 PM): you have mary ruth — she is a very practical person as well as a therapist
StillwelNY (12:11:08 PM): i look at her as my coach now
hyperthetical (12:12:17 PM): yes but that isnt’ really emotional support
StillwelNY (12:13:07 PM): why not
StillwelNY (12:13:26 PM): you mean the coach part 0r mary ruth in general?
hyperthetical (12:14:19 PM): the relationship with have
hyperthetical (12:15:35 PM): relationship we have
hyperthetical (12:15:52 PM): is not like… emotional support its more practical ya know?
hyperthetical (12:16:10 PM): theres no love or caring for me
hyperthetical (12:16:15 PM): which is fine i wouldn’t expect it
hyperthetical (12:16:34 PM): brb
StillwelNY (12:17:57 PM): k
hyperthetical (12:21:57 PM): back
hyperthetical (12:23:54 PM): i do think splitting things up would be a good solution
“StillwelNY” has stopped using the computer at 12:31:50 PM, and is now considered idle.

Written by admin

February 22nd, 2005 at 10:02 am

Posted in Family

Dear Mom

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This is my attempt to explain the circumstances behind the events post-thanksgiving.

As you have probably noticed (or maybe not), I tend to not feel comfortable with events traditionally associated with family, since the breakup of what i consider to be my ‘real’ family.

I think a large part of why I didn’t tell you that I wasn’t going to show was that I felt like you needed to know that I have a lot of anger and hurt left over from when you left here, and the general turbulance of my adolescent years at home. Although I understand that you had to leave and that it was ultimately for the best for you, I still felt and to some extent still do feel like I was abandoned.

I know that we have both grown as people and some of these feelings are from a long time ago, but I still feel them enough to have them manifest in things like making plans for family-related events and then not showing up to them. You see, that’s not what’s in my brain and emotions as “my family”. My family is gone. And to let my guard down and enjoy a situation like that would be a betrayal of what I consider to be my true familiy, even though that unit does not exist anymore.

So maybe I did want you to feel some of what I felt when you left. It feels strange to me to be admitting this after so long, and I’m glad we’re as close as we are now, but I just thought I should let you know where I’m coming from when things like that happen.

I’m not sure whether there’s anything to be done about this situation right now, but there it is.

Thank you for helping me get to a point in which I can share this with you.

I have more to say, but that will have to wait for another time.

My love always,


Written by admin

December 15th, 2004 at 2:06 am

Posted in Family


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Well, i flaked on mom for thanksgiving on Friday. I dont’ even know exactly why. I think it’s some combination of factors

– my avoidannce of going outside during days when i don’t have work
– tthat’s not my family
– some lingering resentment because she left, even though dont blame her for not wanting to stay in the situation, she’s still the one who left.

I need to learn how to blame my parents for the things that went on so that i can resolve it, i’m still defending them in my head….

i feel like i’m falling behind and that i need to have gotten past this stage already

also that progress is slowing down

but at least i’m on a track.

I also need to accept that i’m going to feel empty right now and that no amount of overeating or other compulsive behavior is gonna change that. I just think that i’ve suffered enough, and its scary to think that i’d need to go back to that place in order to get past it, though I seemingly continue to put myself in situations where i’m alone and find reasons to avoid situations where i’m not.

I have hangout time scheduled with a few people this week sorta, maybe that will help me.

Written by admin

November 28th, 2004 at 9:35 pm

Posted in Family


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Just stop

Don’t ask me if I want anything from outside. If I need anything I’ll either ask you or get it myself.

Don’t go into my room for any reason. It’s not because I’m hiding something, it’s because its my room. Don’t come in to get towels for laundry, don’t come in for any reason.

Don’t touch my fucking laundry. No matter what you might say its not “part of your job”. I’m 25, I can do my own laundry. As a matter of fact I’ve been doing it for the better part of my life. It’s not your obligation, leave it the fuck alone. If the noise from the dryer being done is bothering you, stop it from buzzing, or come tell me.

It’s not your job. I’m an adult. An adult.

Do you understand how doing these things makes me feel like less than a person? Do you care?

Written by admin

October 12th, 2004 at 3:09 am

Posted in Family

Letter to dad, unsent.

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I have thought for a long time about our relationship, and it has caused me great pain. Even writing this now, I feel like I have to choose my words carefully, and I already feel uncomfortable, like I’m airing dirty laundry and grievances, like I don’t have the right to say these things that are destroying me inside, and I suppose I have you to blame for that as well.

You have forever damaged so many facets of my existence that it is difficult to even know where to start. My life and my sense of self have been corrupted irreparably because of how you treated and continue to treat me.

You spent the greater part of my adolescence beating up on my mother and me mentally and physically. You made me feel like I was a major part of the problem, like if somehow I shaped up everything would be okay. You took away my voice, my ability to externalize, to contribute. I felt like I was being blamed for something I had no control over, while it was tearing my life and my family apart, somehow it became my fault. The agony of this has been to much to bear. You hurt my mother and I ,consistently, without regret, remorse or concern, and for this I can never forgive you, no matter how much you may be attempting to change your lifestyle.

You humiliated me in front of my peers throughout a time in which gaining the respect of people my age was so important that to this day I have people in my life who will not come over for fear of how you might react. They were and are afraid for me. I don’t think that ever sunk in with you. My friends were afraid to come over for fear of how you might treat me. And now, I don’t invite anyone over unless you’re gone. Think about that. I’m 25, and I’m incapable of having a friend or a girl or anyone over. That is the level of humiliation and lack of respect or simple human courtesy you’ve consistently treated me with.

I’ve felt less than human for so long now. The grief that came from dealing with a violent and chaotic household that led to my longstanding depression has left me emotionally crippled. I am so afraid of the anger that I have stored inside me that I will not let myself feel anything, just so I wont have to feel that.

I’ve come to expect disappointment, take humiliation in stride, not have enough self-respect to stand up for myself when others belittle me, whether seriously or in jest. I find myself agreeing with statements about me that I know to be false, because they were delivered in a tone that I recognize, that I have equated as coming from people who care about me. I have entered into relationships with people who will give me what I’m used to: a lack of recognition and utter contempt for my affections and attentions, and I consistently find these people attractive and worth fighting for.

You’ve forced me into an emotional place where I cannot and will not connect with people, because it’s so threatening. Even my closest friends I keep at a distance and will not share how I’m feeling because the one person who’s supposed to care about how I’m feeling used my feelings as a reason to blame his failing marriage on me. Can you understand how fucked up this has made my interactions with people?

And forget about anger. I cannot and will not get angry at anyone, because if I let myself touch that pool, I’m honestly afraid that I will not be able to stop until whatever unwitting person is on the receiving end of it is a bloody mess. You see, in my world, confronting someone means rage and probably violence.

Did it feel good to smack me around when I was holed up in bed with a broken arm? Did it make you feel powerful to make my mother watch that? Did you actually get some sick gratification from it, you sorry son of a bitch?

How about yelling at me in front of all of my friends, threatening them repeatedly, until they wouldn’t hang out with me anymore? Did it make you feel better when I had no friends? Does it make you feel strong that I don’t have but one or two now?

I can’t even talk to you. I spit my words with as little venom as I can to avoid actually spitting. And you have the nerve to ask for affection from me? Who the hell do you think you are? You’re wrecked me, and you either are too stupid to notice or honestly don’t give a fuck. You think that I don’t want to tell you about my day out of some sense of rebellion or something? You don’t deserve to know what’s going on my life. My life is day after day of working around a minefield of built up bile and anger, sometimes it’s amazing I can get through the day.

You think my depression was arbitrary? That somehow school wasn’t up to my precious standards? My home was being torn apart, and the only attention I got was either to be blamed for it or to be on the receiving end of abuse of any number of different types. And even spiraling into a potentially suicidal depression didn’t faze you. You still thought therapy was bullshit, that I was faking, and had to drag me kicking and screaming (you remember that don’t you, kicking and screaming, literally) to school.

You think I stayed at Urban til all hours of the night cause I liked doing homework? It was because it was somewhere that wasn’t home. Somewhere that didn’t reek of pain and suffering and frustration and anger, somewhere where people actually cared about me. I didn’t know what that meant, and on some levels I still don’t.

I have filled my life with people who use me, who don’t respect me and who ignore my need for affection, attention and validation. I don’t feel whole, I don’t feel like the sum of parts and I sure as hell don’t feel like I’m worthy of genuine affection. In fact, I don’t know what I’d do if someone expressed genuine selfless affection toward me, or even whether I’d recognize it as such. It would probably just make me uncomfortable, and I have you to thank for that as well. Because of the situation, I crave affection mainly from those unwilling or unable to give it.

Written by admin

September 14th, 2004 at 3:28 am

Posted in Family

Tagged with


one comment

I’m mad at you for creating contradictions, no-win situations and traps for me to make yourself feel better
I’m mad at you for not giving me freedoms i deserve
I’m mad at you for tearing my family apart
I’m mad at you for trying to control me
I’m mad at you for not giving me an outlet for my anger
I’m mad at you for not giving me a safe place to grow up
I’m mad at you for hurting me and my mom
I’m mad at you for not letting me be an adult
I’m mad at you for leaving me with a habit of setting impossible standards for myself
I’m mad at you for stifling my emotion
I’m mad at you for making it possible for me to blame myself
I’m mad at you for showing me that its better to suffer than to change
I’m mad at you for showing me that its better to do without than to indulge, unless it’s food.
I’m mad at you for making connection dangerous
I’m mad at you for not letting me let myself make mistakes
I’m mad at you for making me thing that some of these things arent because of you
I’m mad at you for teaching me to second guess myself at every opportunity

I’m mad at you for not knowing why i’m mad at you
I’m mad at you for not letting me hate you

Written by admin

July 29th, 2004 at 2:25 am

Posted in Family,Poetry

No Winning

one comment

I’m stuck again.

Dad called me on the whole lack of communication thing and asked whether i was mad at him, and i didn’t really have a response…so he started in on the guilt, saying that it was “unfair”… and I wanted to shout back “no its unfair to make me feel like a 13 year old dissapointment whos friends are too scared of you to come over for 12 years of my life, and keep me from being able to have a healthy relationship that doesn’t involve me taking shit for months at a time” and on and on… but of course theres no spigot in place for those things to come out reasonably, so the pressure just builds and builds until…well, i guess in the past it would be until i shut down in a fit of depression… dont know about now…

And he’s not talking to me today. It’s like… no. YOU can’t not talk to ME… I’m not talking to YOU.

Such childish behavior…

I guess me not being able to express my anger is basically in his best interest, since it keeps him in control.

I feel like a pressure cooker with no release valve when it comes to this situation. I’m okay at expressing other emotions… maybe not feeling them so much, but i’m learning. but the anger and frustration and powerlessness is just.. I have no way of releasing it, so things stay as they are, except I feel worse and worse.

And I do feel bad because these last few years, he has been generally more supportive of me, tho sometimes it feels like its happening speciflcally to justify the rest of it. Thats in my head though, I think.

I got nothing.

Written by admin

April 5th, 2004 at 3:31 pm

Posted in Family

Not Ready

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“I dont feel like he deserves to get my communication” … after the misery that was those years of my life…

– should i feel bad about it?
– what would change my mind…what would it take for me to forgive him…should i even be thinking about it like that
– is this part of the reason why i let myself be walked on by girlfriends (they can do it but you can’t)
– why wont i let myself say it

‘divorced from my feelings’…..embrace the stereotype (hate it hate it…dont want to be such a cliche)

every time i think i’m okay, theres something else.

i’m so lonely.

Written by admin

March 23rd, 2004 at 1:52 am

Posted in Family