sdcjournal

Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for the ‘General Discussion’ Category

Emotional expression challenges

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Things that are a challenge

  • There are dangerous consequences to feeling eemotions and expressing them
  • There are dangerous consequences or uncomfortable feelings around expressing emotions in front of others, especially neutral or close people

Steps

  • Learn to sit with emotion for short periods by myself
  • Try to do it around other people

Written by admin

December 2nd, 2014 at 1:36 pm

If i had no fear – in no particular order

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i would do yoga and/or some kind of exercise to bring my body into a better condition, even if it was hard at first. I would have a compassionate teacher who would help me through, in a way that would not bring back old gym class fears. I would invest in myself more, in this way, and be more consistently healthful with my food choices, while also allowing for ice cream and such.

I would spend more time helping people unstick themselves and helping them reframe their challenges and passions and dig into their core.  This would pay me decently, though it wouldn’t be about the money.  I would get some training and potentially some certification so that I would feel comfortable using these skills with people I don’t already know.

I would have a few other skills that I enjoy helping others with that could bring in some income.  I would make sure that I had the tools both to do do these skills for people in a way that I feel comfortable with and also the tools to manage the financial aspects of a life that includes a bunch of different incomes, and the implications therein.

This would allow me to reduce the amount of financial assistance I’m getting from my mother so that I dont feel like a burden.

I would also create some kind of regular creative output that was ‘just for me’, so that I could feel like my ratio of consumption to production was on track. I would get any equipment and instruction i need in order for the technical aspects of this output to not be a hindrance.

I would give myself the freedoms to act on my own behalf, and ask for a kick in the pants when I know that i need it. I would have clarity into my self-sabotaging habits and be able to recognize and acknowledge when they come up without letting them keep me from acting.

I would let go of old wounds as much as possible, and stop feeling guilty about my relationship with my father.

I would journal more, and spend some reflective time each day, without my life turning into a series of self-help projects to the extent that I’m not actually living it.

My relationship would be open and supportive of both our individual growth and our growth as a couple.  We would both be confident and act from enlightened self-interest, while giving each other the room to falter.

I would not be as reliant on my partner for social energy, and would each have our own friends, so that our time together would be more of a conscious choice rather than a default.

My sex life would be fun, adventurous and thrilling on balance with romantic and intimate.  I would feel confident and well-versed enough to talk about what I want in the moment and to help my partner give me the best pleasure, so that she would not have to guess to ‘guess’.  I would expect the same from my partner, and be supportive toward that goal for both of us.

It would be okay if these things weren’t all happening perfectly all at the same time.  I would feel confident enough to manage the plates.

Written by admin

May 6th, 2013 at 2:19 am

Posted in General Discussion

Things I want to work on

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– Being better organized with my priorities

– Valuing my time more

– Feeling more free to act and experiment

– holding less of a perfection-or-nothing attitude

– Taking my needs into account

– Meditating more regularly (find a podcast)

– Improving my commitment to personal growth actions, rather than reading

– Experiencing more

– Not being so hard on myself for what I don’t accomplish

– Not feeling like i’m already too self-indulgent with my time

– More mental clarity about what i’m interested in and capable of

– Being more proactive about finding collaborators

– Putting more out into the world, creating a greater volume of things (blog posts, podcasts, etc)

– Being less distracted by feeds

– Better care of my body (meditating, exercise now that its nice out, hygiene)

– pivot away from ‘how can i get through this day’ and more toward ‘how can i make this day useful, feed my interests, and move my life forward’

 

Written by admin

March 5th, 2013 at 4:38 pm

Posted in General Discussion

So tired.

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I’m so tired of forcing myself into a small life

I’m so tired of having this conversation with myself

I’m so tired of beating myself up for not putting myself out there.

I’m so tired of encouraging others to live their full life, and spending my time sitting in front of a computer.

I’m so tired of not having a dream

I’m so tired of not being able to ‘just do it’

I’m so tired of not having a collaborator

I’m so tired of not having confidence in my abilities and my direction

I’m so tired of nibbling around the edges

I’m so tired of being afraid of structure and accountability because I’m not used to them anymore.

I’m so tired of having this conversation with myself.

I’m so tired of being afraid of not doing something well, even when I know that the way to do something well is to suck at it at first.

I’m so tired of being lonely and not autonomous.

 

 

 

Written by admin

February 22nd, 2013 at 7:26 pm

Posted in General Discussion

My Day

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waking up:
cold
sweat
anxiety
thoughts
weakness

noon
sleepy
warmer but still cold
searching for diversion

Written by admin

October 13th, 2009 at 4:03 pm

Posted in General Discussion

Progress

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Jeremy Meyers
well thats life
i’m making lots of progress in therapy
figuring out why i have such trouble being spontaneous and why my mental/emotional balance is so off kilter
9:28
BloodRedRapture
good
progress is good
progress is fucking great
9:29
Jeremy Meyers
i’ve basically checkmated myself into not changing how i am
9:31
BloodRedRapture
So now what
9:32
Jeremy Meyers
have to figure out a way to test small changes without it seeming like a big deal
9:32
BloodRedRapture
overthinking
9:33
Jeremy Meyers
thats what i do
9:33
BloodRedRapture

9:33
Jeremy Meyers
its actually not overthinking
its basing everything on thought and not on emotion
so the thinking is the same its just not balanced
9:34
BloodRedRapture
hmm, to me that’s overthinking.  Basing something on thinking that shouldn’t be is “adding extra” to thinking…overthinking
It makes sense to me dammit!
9:35
Jeremy Meyers
lol
9:35
BloodRedRapture
*grin*
9:35
Jeremy Meyers
i know, but i feel the need to clarify
9:35
BloodRedRapture
okey
9:35
Jeremy Meyers
its 100%/0% vs 50%/50%…still the same amount of decisionmaking
its not 150%/-50%
9:36
BloodRedRapture
lol nerd
9:36

Written by admin

July 9th, 2009 at 11:51 pm

Posted in General Discussion

OK this has got to stop.

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So now i’m feeling a littlee weird. its coming back and i want it to stop. i’m not sure why or whta brought it on but i’m too old for this now i wish that my abandonment hsit would go away or i knew what this was and how to control it and that it didn’t make the people i care about weirded ou.

what could have precipatated this change of mood could it have been a particular length of time or something that happened or an allergic reaction or what… i like this girl a lot and i dont want to fuck it up by being weird or giving her room to be weirded out by me. make it stop make it stop make it stop.

it snot even definable right now but i know its all about me. suddenly my apartment feels big and empty without someone else in it, like a switch has been turned. i’m trying to breathe through it but its getting harder now.

i should get my thyroid checked out, since i’ve been having springtime allergies anyway, jsut to make sure that there isn’t something going on again.

nobody i talk to is going to have an answer. support, not solutions. this is not their problem. only i can make myself feel better

i really hoped i would not have to write a journal entry like this ever again, but i guess old habits die hard. i’m trying my best not to be weird at kate, but is it better to be true and neurotic or put on a brave face and be not-as-true. who knows. certainly not i.

i just wonder if i am destined to fuck up relationships like this forever. i hope not. but i also knwo that i’m the only one who can make it stop. i’m just not sure how

fuck. i was doing so well. i will keep telling myself that this is only a momentary glitch and that it will pass. because i’m sure that it will. but will it be in time not to fuck shit up.

i guess we’re all just trying to make our way in the world and nobody really knows the right way

i hate feeling powerless over my own emotions, and i can feel a cycle trying to start up,…

you need to get out of this before it hurts you, i hear the internal voice say..besides, you dont deserve a relationship.

this is not the same as the others. this is different. they are all different, but this one especially. someone who actually likes me. that is precious. the old rules cannot and should not apply. i could not bring myself to type ‘will not’ just then. i MUST get out of this. i MUUST MUST MUST get out of this…funk.

It started from nothing, it will go away go awy go away.

what more can i say… i worry about her drinking with two alcoholic parents. it sounds like she worries about it too. we cant’ always be smiley happy rainbows and blowjobs. there is so much pain, and the inner voice is telling me that thta is reason enough not to continue. but there is pain within all of us. and joy. somehow i feel false typing this out. the conflict is strong. FUck

My life, at present, has a lot of great htings in it. friends family a great girl an apartment a job that fits me. where did this come from and why do i want to cry. and how can i address it.

why do i have more doubt that things will turn out okay when i’m with someone than when i’m not?

why must my brain work against me

why did this come out of nowhere

how can i make it stop.

MAKE IT FUCKING STOPl.

or is talking about my sudden mood change validating it somehow

i worry that revealing more of myself (“my true self”) in a relationship will somehow “poison the well” and make whomever i’m with get freaked out and not want to be with me. this scares me. this is a self-fulfilling prophecy, i suppose. it makes me wonder if somehow i have an inverse relationship with time spent with someone vs (interest attraction ability) comfort level being with them.

hey i know what they call that…fear of intimacy! fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

I need some help with this, and quickly.  i dont want to screw up another relationship before its started.  a month and 9 days in and already i’m going wonky.  none of this has anything to do with Kate.  none of it.  i hope she knows it, but given my track record of being attracted

Written by admin

April 6th, 2008 at 10:04 am

Posted in General Discussion

Undated (sony era) notebook notes

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  • Admiration
  • Be “on the list”
  • unconditional love
  • paranoia…was I an attempt to distract from toher problems
  • grandiosity
  • giving away control
    • Advice = No Win
  • Doesn’t everyone want respect
  • Blurry Memories
  • craving rejection as much as admiration
    • rejection of “false self”
  • contempt/envy
  • hollow
  • inward contempt
    • for which self
  • emotional masochism as manifestation of rage against…
  • What can i do to address being consistantly attracted to women that i can be a parent to
  • How can i find comfort
  • how can i learn to interact with people on an even basis
  • respect as a person lacking
  • help/stifling

Written by admin

May 16th, 2006 at 1:53 pm

Posted in General Discussion