Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for the ‘Lissa Therapy Notes’ Category

Narc Letter to Lissa

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On reflecting upon our latest session (and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong), it seemed like you may have been a little frustrated about my situation, in a “he knows what the problem is, he knows what the solution is, why doesnt he just do the thing he knows will help” way. I, too (assuming i read the situation accurately), am frustrated about this aspect of myself and my psyche.

I guess what I wanted to share about this was some information about the lasting impact of a narcissistic parent, not for the sake of pity or compassion certainly but to give more context as to the block that needs untangling.

Basically my sense of individual self both in terms of value as well as autonomy was never developed, or rather it was developed as to be subsumed by my parents needs so that my sense of self is inextricably (for now) tied to meeting other people’s needs, rather than meeting my own or even being concretely “aware” of them in a way that can be connected to action or even be acceptable. This is why it is much easier for me to take action when it is “Assigned” or when someone else “makes me” do it (and why the BDSM power-exchange stuff is attractive to me), and also why those power dynamics can bring up complicated feelings (both because i don’t WANT to have that be the main thing that makes me take action for myself, and also because the dynamic echoes earlier toxic dynamics regardless of the person initiating the dynamic). Also why the concept of being “Seen” is so attractive to me.

I do feel like i’ve made progress in this, and i also feel really frustrated because I’ve had to contend with this for most of my life to some degree or another, and I’m not really making the kind of advances on this specifically that I would like to, and obviously it has an effect on my relationships and my day-to-day existence that are having many deleterious effects.

So, I hope that you will continue to be patient with me and maybe this information and the links below will be helpful in creating a treatment plan, and help to explain why ‘he knows what needs to happen, why doesnt he just do it’ isnt really as simple as it seems? (but maybe you know that)

Thanks for your attention

Uncover a Narcissist! Have Needs

Healing from Narcissistic Mother Requires Perpetual Self Care

Narcissistic Parent: Collateral Damage

Coping Skills for Adult Children of Narcissist Parents.
Surviving the Narcissistic Parent: ACoNs (Adult Children of Narcissists)

How Your Narcissistic Upbringing Keeps You from “Bothering” People

The Child of a Narcissistic Parent: Why Don’t I Meet My Needs?

The Pain of Having a Narcissistic Parent

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December 8th, 2016 at 9:35 pm


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Ever since leaving my last full-time job I have been feeling directionless and adding lots of guilt and shame on top of my feelings, and then pile on guilt and shame on top of that.   I had not been able to get myself out of this cycle. But I found a really good website, if you want to check it out then visit this website.


Recently through a lot of hard work, I have been able to get myself to start the process of connecting with internships and give myself more distance between taking this action and the feelings and cognitive coping mechanisms that reflexively follow.  This is very difficult for me and I expect there may be future stumbles, and I can take a moment to appreciate to the best of my ability the amount of work that it has taken to get me here before the self-critical thoughts take over.  I will continue to monitor with the most self-compassion i can muster, knowing that my abilities in this regard may change from moment to moment and being especially aware of judgment/shame that layers on top of itself.

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August 23rd, 2016 at 1:54 pm

What Do I Want 2016

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Routine-reward loop. Sitting with achievement

What do I want from a accountability place (job/volunteering/whatever):
Flexible Hours
Small space
Walkable/short drive
Not just sitting in front of a computer
Opportunity to learn something new

What do I want from a spiritual practice:
Relaxing and nourishing
Elements of social
Calming space

What do I want from a health/physical practice:
feedback and progression
The ability to invest personally and flip the balance of feeling “deserving”

What do I want from an education/training/personal growth practice:
Personal attention
Routine and accountability
Practical skills
Not tech-related

What do I want from a recreation/leisure:
regular trips to natural areas
the ability to live in fun without shame

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June 21st, 2016 at 9:46 am

My Demons

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My demons tell me I waste my life.

My demons tell me the solution is to waste more.

My demons tell me my motivation is shame

My demons tell me I have no voice.

My demons tell me everything I do is a waste of my time .

My demons tell me my life is on hold.

My demons tell me my accomplishments don’t count.

My demons tell me how to fill the hole.

My demons tell me there’s a hole that needs filling.

My demons tell me I’m stuck and can’t unstick.

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June 14th, 2016 at 10:06 pm

Volition stuff

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(2:17:30 P) the volition stuff was productive in better describing a clear pattern of my motivation challenges
(2:18:03 P) because i dont actually…like… motivation is okay for me, i do have motivation to do things, its just that when i try to turn that into action, my distress level spikes
(2:18:11 P) so separating out motivation from volition is useful
(2:18:27 P) so it turns out that there’s a clear pattern
(2:18:35 P) 1. Have motivation to do a thing
(2:18:53 P) 2. Get triggered at the point of volition and for whatever reason do not end up doing the thing at a that point
(2:19:15 P) 3. Self-recrimination and judgment around being “unable” to do the thing or “still unable” or whatever

(2:20:03 P) 4. Talk that chips away at the validity of my initial motivation to do the thing, in order to soothe myself down from #3. like “well, not doing the thing has its benefits” or “maybe i didnt really want to do the thing anyway” or “i can do it later” or whatever


through my adult life because reasons (mostly abusive pathologically narcissist dad), i struggle with what me and my therapist have been calling motivation. like.. my ability to go and do things that i want to do, or try new things, or like… some types of self-care (calling doctors, etc). So over the weekend i happened across the psychological variation of the word ‘volition’, which separates what we’d been calling motivation into two parts
  1. motivation, as defined as ‘the intent and desire to take a particular action
  2. volition, as defined as ‘turning motivation into action’
which is actually the part that is a struggle for me
and the last part of that process for me is either beating myself up for not doing the thing, or talking myself into believing that i wasn’t that motivated to do the thing anyway, and it cycles around

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May 17th, 2016 at 2:44 pm

I Can

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I am scared.

What can i do despite being scared

can i spend my energy on other than writing about my struggles

I can do things despite being scared.

I can spend my energy on other things rather than writing about my struggles.

I will spend my energy on other things.

I Will take action

I am scared

It doesn’t need to be fucking poetry every time.

I can self-care genuinely.

I can turn fear into determination

I will figure out what i would like to be doing on a daily basis.

I am feeling scared
There is fear in this moment.

I want to feel it and also not let it be a wall, but a pool that is okay to dive into.

Can i make this sustainable

I can make this sustainable.

I can determine what self-care means to me and then take those actions regularly.

I can look at my fear and not examine it.

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December 30th, 2015 at 4:00 pm

Things i’d like to work on for the rest of the year and into 2016

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  • The job search is turning into a way to beat myself up for every moment that i am not spending focused on that. I would like to move it out of that realm, even if it means changing my focus away from it right now. It is bringing up many thoughts of worthiness and tying me up in knots rather than being a thing that I can get excited about. I am also aware of resistance to dropping it in the form of predicting external judgment like ‘copping out’ or ‘just cant get it done’
  • Wishing to disengage with and reject the whole concept of ‘stuck’ or any semblance of my life as ‘on hold’ or ‘incomplete’ or ‘off the rails’.  Identification of areas where that may grow in intensity and methods to minimize it.
  • Getting better at noticing self-destructive habits and thought patterns and stepping out of them and not getting stuck in judgment spirals. Stepping out in a productive way rather than a self-judgment way.

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December 7th, 2015 at 1:28 am

Reflections on job hunting and feeling belonging

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Well, we talked about not really feeling like I have a place where I’m wanted and needed and valued socially outside of my relationship , and how that connects back to never really feeling valued as an individual going up and help my needs were almost always secondary to my parents comfort , end when I had more consequential needs like when I dropped out of school it was treated like “how do we get this kid back in school and on the track that we think he needs to be on, rather than what is actually going on or figuring out what’s going on or caring, really
and how much time I spend focused on taking care of other people’s needs or listening to them talk about what’s going on with them and not really sure what’s going on with me and how much more comfortable it is to do that
until I really don’t feel like I’m allowed to take up space much and how, I mean, not until
even like looking for a job, it kind of feels like I’m going to get in trouble and that it’s not okay
and that makes me feel really sad that I’m living with that in my head end it informs so much of my behavior
And also about how important it has been for me historically to feel useful, but also how I end up both enjoying and resenting feeling useful, which ties into not wanting people to think I’m smart or happy Bowtell me I’m smart because I don’t want to be used as a resource socially , even know I put myself in that position a lot
because it’s more comfortable for me
so people use me for advice or computer help or whatever, end I don’t feel like I’m making a real connection , even though I feel valued around that information , so it ends up being more isolating rather than a way to connect with people

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October 27th, 2015 at 7:35 pm

Jeremy’s Reasons Why Not

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  • things can only change so much
  • don’t want to provoke a big reaction from me
  • pushing too much will have consequences, breaking through, scary
  • defensive posture
  • where is there freedom? food, escape
  • not strong enough to push my limits
  • I need to start more slowly
  • safe inside
  • “be kind to yourself”
  • what to choose

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January 14th, 2015 at 11:57 am

Emotional expression challenges

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Things that are a challenge

  • There are dangerous consequences to feeling eemotions and expressing them
  • There are dangerous consequences or uncomfortable feelings around expressing emotions in front of others, especially neutral or close people


  • Learn to sit with emotion for short periods by myself
  • Try to do it around other people

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December 2nd, 2014 at 1:36 pm