Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for the ‘Lissa Therapy Notes’ Category

Thoughts on Acceptance Vs Change

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  • not accepting feels powerful, maybe?
  • should be doing more
  • nyc state of mind (if i’m not acting, i’m wasting time)
  • trying not to get mired in ‘why’
  • i look at situations where i might find joy or relief and feel myself grow very uncomfortable (self-conscious, ashamed) and push away (not for me, too scary)
  • Constant judgment that I’m doing the wrong thing or not what I should.background buzz
  • If I didn’t feel “stuck”was such a negative shameful thing then it world be much simpler to figure out a mantra that supports me
  • Want the ppl who care about me to be proud, don’t feel like I’ve done anything worthy their praise in a long time
  • Discredit accomplishments,rewrite story to fit wasting life narrative
  • “What I did today”/gratitude lists: used to do, helped sometimes, sometimes felt inadequate
  • accomplishment, creation vs consumption, what is my drive?
  • constant judgment for not creating …something about being ordinary?
  • Pressure to be creating vs “normal”, wasting potential, lazy

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October 6th, 2014 at 10:21 pm

What initiation resistance looks like

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– some kind of smug satisfaction in not doing something asked/expected of me, ESPECIALLY if its something for my own benefit.  Who am i trying to show off to? What is the end game for “see look, i can fuck myself over all by myself!”
– a smaller voice trying to get past that
– recognize it as self-sabotaging and frustrated about that, so that becomes the pattern, rather than just doing it

– think about having more freedom of initiation and get excited and then immediately stop myself

– getting more interested in examining why i dont let myself than actually just sucking it up and dealing with it/doing it.

By Monday, it’s ; of course you’re not gonna do that…I had an out given to me by bring able to look at the resistance instead, so we can do that

– Some value in the “here’s something that’s good for me, so I’m gonna keep myself from it and then be held accountable/get in trouble/show it off”

-task became “prep for conversation about why I couldn’t make it happen”pretty quickly


It’s the “you’re not find annoying with your life and you don’t matter to anyone” that is the trap of a lie

Focusing on “I am wasting my life”is wasting my life, not any choice of task.

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March 7th, 2014 at 1:37 pm