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Braindump on Kate Date / Sex

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So Kate had a second date with the guy she went out with on Saturday night, a dinner at his house. They ended up having sex. I was over at Katie’s and Kate was supposed to pick me up after her date, but it got to be around 2am and i hadn’t heard from her, until i texted and she finally responded and said she would leave to come get me.  She was really nervous about telling me what had happened, but walked me through the date and the sex that they had and how she felt about it (she felt okay, he was nice and respectful, she had fun, she was scared about how i would react even though she knew it was okay for her to do that)

I’m not sure I knew how I would react, though I mean, i have been encouraging her to go and have experiences and stuff.   I feel overwhelmed and pretty triggered at the moment.  Mostly I feel kind of blindsided because this had gone from a presumably mono/poly relationship (in practice if not in theory) over the course of two weeks to Kate fucking a new guy for the first time since we started dating.  At this moment I feel dysregulated and anxious and like some trauma has been triggered.  I’ve been doing some thinking and I think what’s happening (beyond us not having talked about it) to cause this much of a visceral reaction in me is that it possibly touched a trigger around my having been cheated on in the past. it’s kind of bringing up similar emotions?  At the same time, I am aware that this is because its very new and I haven’t had time to adjust and that there are many positives that can come from this door opening.  I think also maybe I’m mourning the end of the old chapter of where our relationship was?

Now, conceptually of course I don’t have an issue with this (and i’m kinda beating myself up about it because hypocrisy), and I’m glad she got to try a new thing and have an experience with someone who seems like a good guy that apparently she’s been chatting with for over a month but didn’t mention? (not that she’s obligated to mention, and not that i mention everyone that i connect with to her). i don’t feel like…. jealous or whatever? it’s just that it kinda went from 0 to 100 really quick after nothing happening for years and I feel really unprepared to process the huge change in the dynamic of our relationship.

We’ve been talking about it a lot and stuff.  I’m noticing when i’m in my “reassure the other person that i’m not upset and its okay and nothing is wrong” mode and when i’m in a “let me be a source of advice and validation for you” mode as opposed to actually being able to be present and say “this feels very uncomfortable and upsetting for me even though I don’t believe you did anything out of bounds”.  I was able to communicate that I really wish that we’d had a conversation when she was considering actually going out on dates with people to set some expectations for both of us and for me to better prepare myself and what might come up for me.

I think she was operating under the assumption that I would like to be notified in the way that I let her know when i’m going on dates or whatever, at this point, like no big deal. I was able to communicate that though it’s old hat for her to have me going out for whatever, for me it’s a huge shift and very difficult, and asked her to remember how she felt when i first started dating. not that it’s 1:1 but it’s not as vastly different as she might have assume.  She’s had a decade to adjust and normalize and I have had basically zero time. Which she took responsibility and apologized for.

We went out for dinner last night and kept talking and she was saying how this is kind of a pattern for her, how on second dates she’ll behave ‘out of character’ or ‘extra slutty’ or whatever and that she doesn’t feel great about what happened and how it happened (though it was obviously a consensual experience) but that it felt informative for her.   I’ve talked about how I feel about it and basically that i’m proud of her for doing a thing outside her comfort zone and also that i feel really overwhelmed and like its a lot for me to process.  At the same time, i’m still processing my mom dying, the will drama, and potentially some other relationships transitioning away from physical/romantic. So its a big thing on top of a lot of other big things.

An additional complicating factor is how little sex Kate and I generally have.  In our most recent conversation about that, she has shared specifically that there’s so much baggage between us about our sex life that she feels like her anxiety prevents her from being present in her body very much, and that instead she’s always monitoring me for whether i’m happy with whats happening or whether she’s responding in a way that I want or whether she’s “doing something wrong”, so more often than not over the last years, my attempts to initiate will be rejected, and if we do play, i can see her get up in her head at some point and the fun stops and at least part of the time there are tears.  Which sucks because it both prevents us from having sex play and also its somehow because of me, even though I have no agency around it and can’t really do anything about it?  It gets me in my head like “”ok so Kate can’t enjoy sex because she’s taking responsibility for my enjoying it, so i then have to be either hyper-vigilant about not showing anything but pure positivity or it will all stop and it will be because of me but not really because it will be because of Kate’s assumptions about how I’m doing that then spiral. So it’s a thing that is about me but not anything I have any agency to change or adjust because its happening in her head”.

We’ve also had conversations about us both being more verbally communicative during sex, both for giving instructions and feedback, and she has said that it’s hard for her because she’s basically already trying to stay out of her head and when i ask for feedback like that it just makes her feel like she has yet another task to keep track of and juggle while having sex”  So the combination of those things really leaves me no room for anything but waiting for it to go south?

I’m trying to treat these as separate things rather than intertwine them because that seems like it would be way less useful.

I’m so confused as to the boundaries right now. What is appropriate to share with her about how i’m processing? What is too much? What responsibility do each of us have toward the others comfort? I guess that’s between the two of us.  I’m trying to check in with her about how much she wants to hear about where i am with processing everything, and may be overexplaining and caretaking “this brought up feelings about being cheated on, and i know thats not whats happening and not something for you to take on”.  And also I think that I have an assumption that her brain is going to use stuff i say to beat herself up with, which is not necessarily the case.

Anyway, I don’t actually think my relationship is in danger or that these things are unresolvable or anything, so that’s something I can look to for comfort at least. Just ouch.

Anyway that’s what’s been happening on that front.


Jeremy Meyers
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So, what’s your story?

Written by admin

July 20th, 2022 at 12:26 pm

Posted in Kate,Poly Stuff,toexport

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Post-Amy-Playing fconversation

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3:32:42 PM Kate Farina: so did you want to talk
3:32:45 PM Jeremy Meyers: yes
3:33:25 PM Jeremy Meyers: so should i just tell you a little of what happened? is that okay?
3:33:33 PM Kate Farina: well
3:33:39 PM Kate Farina: can i first say a couple things
3:33:41 PM Jeremy Meyers: yes
3:33:53 PM Jeremy Meyers: thats what i was asking, whether there was any new thoughts you wanted to share
3:34:29 PM Kate Farina: so i think one thing that is becoming more apparent is that i often need some time to process ‘new developments’ with this
3:35:13 PM Kate Farina: and the difficult times when i feel most scared or concerned are when a new question or boundary is introduced
3:35:23 PM Jeremy Meyers: makes sense
3:35:40 PM Kate Farina: so it takes me a little bit of time to consider things and sort of reason with it in my head
3:36:11 PM Kate Farina: so i just felt stressed out to have to think about this new thing as i got off the plane
3:36:18 PM Kate Farina: and it opened up a bag of worries
3:36:41 PM Kate Farina: secondly
3:37:20 PM Kate Farina: i think it’s also best for me to take things step by step and be fairly cautious and build up some positives
3:37:35 PM Kate Farina: and add new things one step at a time
3:38:02 PM Kate Farina: because i want to build a good, positive base of trust and confidence as we start out
3:38:23 PM Jeremy Meyers: i’m trying to balance my central desire to make sure that we’re both comfortable and taking it at a pace thats okay for all involved with my ‘shiny new toy’ ‘kid in a candy store’ urges.  It’s really important to me that we do this to the best of our ability as we’re starting out, to set a good precednt and groundwork to continue and adjust and stuff.  I’m sorry to have sprung that at you at the last minute. it was totally and completely just going to be a practical thing.  Amy was totally understanding and appreciative and drove me home.  That’s one of the reasons i chose to play with her at all. she’s a really good communicator.
3:38:41 PM Jeremy Meyers: (aka jinx)
3:38:47 PM Kate Farina: and part of that is feeling like i know you’ll respect my wishes, even if you think they’re kind of silly or unnecessary
3:39:10 PM Kate Farina: because for right now, i just need to know that we’re both listening to each other with this
3:39:14 PM Jeremy Meyers: absolutely
3:39:29 PM Kate Farina: and it makes me feel more comfortable about expanding boundaries the next time
3:39:42 PM Jeremy Meyers: i was truly listening and not mad about you having trouble with the staying over bit last night.  I just wanted to make sure that you were clear on what it was and wasn’t.
3:39:59 PM Kate Farina: yeah
3:40:02 PM Kate Farina: i understand
3:40:08 PM Kate Farina: and i get the practical considerations
3:40:34 PM Kate Farina: which is why it was difficult for me to put my concerns/feelings first
3:40:56 PM Kate Farina: but i think it was best in the long run
3:40:58 PM Jeremy Meyers: you gotta look out for you, in this. i’m looking out for me.
3:41:20 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean… you know, like we’ve been talking about in therapy..expressing our needs as a separate step from negotiating the action
3:41:29 PM Jeremy Meyers: i totally got where you were coming from, and Amy did too
3:41:36 PM Kate Farina: ok cool
3:42:32 PM Kate Farina: i mean, part of me totally got the practical side of things. but part of me felt tweaked about rushing an overnight stay, no matter if it was just a practically or not
3:42:38 PM Jeremy Meyers: yup
3:42:54 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean, i wasn’t like 100% comfortable with it myself, considering i’d only just met her, and it was kind of rushed
3:43:05 PM Jeremy Meyers: so part of me was grateful to have the out
3:43:38 PM Jeremy Meyers: it was jsut that i wanted to hang with her (And her roomie and her girl) because i think i wouldve felt lonely coming back to an empty house
3:43:57 PM Kate Farina: i understand
3:44:07 PM Jeremy Meyers: (also her kids were asleep)
3:45:04 PM Kate Farina: that’s gotta put a crimp in things
3:45:12 PM Jeremy Meyers: i guess
3:45:17 PM Kate Farina: no candi and bambi parties
3:45:31 PM Jeremy Meyers: well she splits custody with her ex, so she has some time for that
3:45:38 PM Kate Farina: ah
3:46:03 PM Jeremy Meyers: was there more that you wanted to say?
3:46:31 PM Kate Farina: not really
3:46:35 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
3:46:53 PM Jeremy Meyers: so do you think it would be helpful for me to tell you about the evening? (i mean, not every graphic detail, if you dont want)
3:47:51 PM Kate Farina: i don’t really think i want to hear the details
3:47:54 PM Kate Farina: right now
3:48:11 PM Kate Farina: maybe just the general gist
3:48:17 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok. well there are some thoughts about the experience that i’d like to share with you, that are not connected to ‘who did what to whom’
3:48:36 PM Jeremy Meyers: though i will say that your boundaries were completely respected without question
3:48:51 PM Jeremy Meyers: if that’s okay
3:49:21 PM Kate Farina: ok
3:50:05 PM Jeremy Meyers: most of the time was spent hanging out outside and stuff…  I had fun with the playing part though it also raised some not-great feelings that i hadn’t felt in awhile
3:50:14 PM Kate Farina: how so
3:50:19 PM Jeremy Meyers: i think mostly based on it being a new experience
3:50:20 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean
3:50:27 PM Jeremy Meyers: here’s what i’ve come up with so far
3:51:17 PM Jeremy Meyers: getting to play with anna (even just making out) was really great because we’ve been friends forever and we know and love each other
3:51:26 PM Jeremy Meyers: so we had a pre-existing connection
3:52:42 PM Jeremy Meyers: and with Amy (as an example), i like her a lot as a friend and we have good conversations and she’s super sweet and supportive, but i haven’t really known her that long, and getting physical with her felt a little.. i dunno… not as able to live in the sensation of it…got stuck in thoughts and stuff
3:52:58 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i think its also because its the first person i’ve played with who i didn’t know before we started going out
3:53:17 PM Kate Farina: ok
3:54:05 PM Jeremy Meyers: so there’s a lot of the societal stuff that comes up about this being somethign that would be hurtful to you (even though i know thats not the thing of it)…
3:54:13 PM Jeremy Meyers: also some reminders of when i was slutting around and not enjoying myself
3:54:30 PM Kate Farina: yeah
3:54:35 PM Kate Farina: understandable
3:55:46 PM Jeremy Meyers: so we stopped a couple of times and i got hugs, which was good
3:55:58 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean…not to paint it as a traumatic event or anything. fun was had by all.
3:56:06 PM Kate Farina: ok cool
3:56:15 PM Kate Farina: well, you do what you need to do
3:56:19 PM Jeremy Meyers: but it was nice to get some comfort as stuff came up
3:56:55 PM Jeremy Meyers: i just like… had this image in my mind of it being nothign but fun and yay finally getting to experience this and being so grateful and in love with you and stuff, and the actual experience, while definitely fun, was not exactly like that
3:57:14 PM Kate Farina: well
3:57:29 PM Kate Farina: it might take some getting used to and adjusting
3:57:32 PM Jeremy Meyers: of course
3:58:03 PM Kate Farina: it’s good that you were aware of what you needed
3:58:32 PM Jeremy Meyers: yeah
3:58:50 PM Jeremy Meyers: and that it was able to be provided
4:00:09 PM Jeremy Meyers: so, all in all it was a good experience, and she’s a good partner for this kind of thing if mostly because she’s good at communication, like you are and we are
4:00:18 PM Jeremy Meyers: and we’ll see if it happens again
4:00:41 PM Jeremy Meyers: i came home wishing i could crawl into bed with you and snuggle
4:01:44 PM Kate Farina: yeah the house was pretty lonely
4:01:55 PM Kate Farina: a week gets to be a long time there
4:02:00 PM Jeremy Meyers: try eight weeks!
4:02:05 PM Kate Farina: i know
4:02:05 PM Kate Farina: well
4:02:12 PM Kate Farina: i didn’t notice it as much in nyc
4:02:15 PM Jeremy Meyers:  yeah
4:02:23 PM Kate Farina: because i didn’t like spending too much time in the loft anyway
4:02:28 PM Jeremy Meyers: yeah
4:02:30 PM Jeremy Meyers: it looks so different now
4:02:35 PM Kate Farina: i bt
4:02:36 PM Kate Farina: bet
4:02:52 PM Kate Farina: i doubt a musician would pass the board though, right?
4:03:22 PM Jeremy Meyers: it almost doesn’t matter at this point. it’s more about being able to say “we have someone interested in paying 4.6 for the place. can you do better?”
4:03:58 PM Jeremy Meyers: it seems like everyone who comes in and sees the place wants it
4:04:05 PM Jeremy Meyers: bond street is basically the hottest block in all of downtown
4:04:11 PM Jeremy Meyers: and this is a huge space with character
4:04:17 PM Jeremy Meyers: that can be whatever people want it to be
4:06:03 PM Kate Farina: yeah very true
4:06:29 PM Jeremy Meyers: i jsut want to say again that its still a little mindblowing that we’re having supportive conversations with each other about having sexytimes with others, and it makes me so grateful and in awe of you and our relationship that we’ve gotten here.
4:06:47 PM Kate Farina: i agree
4:06:57 PM Kate Farina: and thank you for the positive reinforcement
4:07:00 PM Kate Farina: it helps a lot
4:07:04 PM Jeremy Meyers: of course
4:07:21 PM Jeremy Meyers: this whole process has made me appreciate you and us more
4:08:04 PM Kate Farina: good communication
4:08:39 PM Jeremy Meyers: yup
4:09:00 PM Kate Farina: good stuff
4:09:17 PM Jeremy Meyers: yes.
4:09:19 PM Jeremy Meyers: quite.
4:09:28 PM Jeremy Meyers: and I think Rachel has been so so helpful. i’m so glad we started going to her.
4:09:35 PM Kate Farina: def
4:10:02 PM Kate Farina: more people should do it
4:10:06 PM Kate Farina: as a couple i mean
4:10:08 PM Jeremy Meyers: i agreeeee
4:10:15 PM Jeremy Meyers: almost as if it shuld be a baseline requirement
4:10:23 PM Jeremy Meyers: it makes me sad to hear aobut couples that just dont talk
4:10:29 PM Jeremy Meyers: or like… one person wants to talk and one just wont
4:10:33 PM Kate Farina: yeah because what is there
4:10:37 PM Kate Farina: if not talking
4:10:46 PM Kate Farina: that’s not a relationship
4:11:08 PM Jeremy Meyers: not a marriage
4:11:17 PM Jeremy Meyers: talking with jacquie made me sad about that
4:11:32 PM Jeremy Meyers: she’s so great and he just doesn’t want to be bothered to talk about stuff
4:11:45 PM Jeremy Meyers: and it soundsl ike a lot of their life is suffering becaus eof it, and she’s just kind of ‘oh well, this is my life’
4:14:36 PM Kate Farina: yeah that is sad
4:15:02 PM Jeremy Meyers: amazing what it can do for a sex life
4:15:18 PM Jeremy Meyers: she sounds way more adventurous than he is. or even if he’s equally adventurous, without the conversation, its not gonna happen
4:15:25 PM Kate Farina: right
4:17:42 PM Jeremy Meyers: so, kudos to us
4:17:55 PM Jeremy Meyers: and i wish she had a better sex life and/or a sex life that involved me doing dirty thigns to her.
4:18:07 PM Kate Farina: well maybe some day
4:18:27 PM Jeremy Meyers: maybe some day.
4:19:38 PM Kate Farina: ok going for a walk
4:19:40 PM Kate Farina: laterz
4:19:49 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok love oyu
4:19:52 PM Jeremy Meyers: i might get food with kira
4:19:57 PM Jeremy Meyers: supposed to do that tomorrow but we’re both hungry
6:20:46 PM Jeremy Meyers: <3

Written by admin

September 28th, 2013 at 6:27 pm

Posted in Poly Stuff