sdcjournal

I’m kind of in a weird spot with bottoming because I have a good sense in general that I enjoy ceding control of my autonomy to others sometimes and also sensation stuff but 1)not really well versed in the kinds of physical things I either enjoy or don’t enjoy in person and 2) still trying to figure out my vibe as a sub/bottom.most of my experience on that side of the slash has been virtually. Also one of my growth edges is being center of attention and also it’s a thing that feels good to me so… I really liked the cage because focused attention, that was the good feeling/discomfort for me. And why I tend to like nurturing/gentle topping rather than strictly disciplinarian. Just a fine line. Dunno really

TV:
mash
sctv
farscape season 3+
alias
the unit
battlestar galactica
dead like me
homicide season 5-8
beavis and butthead
threes company
animaniacs
pinky and the brain
quantum leap

MOVIES:
father dear father
man about the house

Freedom agency

External expectation

• Smart
• Society
• Parenting

Internal expectation

• “Good fit”
• Qualification

Identity

• Stuck
• Momentum
• Squeezed

Fear

• Consequences of action
• Consequences of inaction
• Rejection
• Invalidation
• Replication of toxic interaction
• Learned helplessness

Shame

• “Deserving”
• Self fulfilling
• Metashame

Permission

Solutions

Action

• Identification and logging of “no”spaces
• Reinforcing virtuous cycles
• Habits, structure and accountability
• Proceduralize Gray areas

Me

– I can unstick myself from a lot, but (trigger word) after a certain level of unstuck i think myself out of it

– Vulnerability is uncomfortable.  If I’m comfortable, i’m not being vulnerable.  Being open with information and feelings is not the same as being vulnerable.  Most fear is the fear of being vulnerable.

– I feel pressure to become Important or do to One Big Thing Well.  I may be happier doing some things that i enjoy throughout the week and not worrying so much about Using My Smarts To Change The World Or Make A Million Bucks.  My resistance to this is my brains telling me that its just an excuse to not live up to my potential and be lazy.

Couple

– I will take responsibility for my fair share of sexual communication challenges, but i will not take responsibility for more than that, because it doesn’t help either of us continue to unstick. This is not putting myself “above the problem”, this is acknowledging that we both have individual stuff to work on and allowing that to happen rather than trying to fix it.

– Kate is sometimes scared of “letting me go” and abandonment stuff. I’m not sure how best to (or whether i should) reassure her that she is home for me.  I know this is something that just comes up sometimes (for me too)

– I do have to be sympathetic. I do not have to be accommodating, when it becomes the same as pushing the responsibility for situation on to my partner

-a major source of sex life stress is not communicating our needs to each other before or in the moment, so we end up guessing or waiting to get something wrong so it all goes off the rails

– How can we work with each of our very different decision making processes together in order to make collaborative decisions less stressful.can we untangle their mutual dependencies

emotional disengagement leftover teen rebellion from being called sensitive so mch growing up

Moving to atlanta has made me see how much of a rut i was stuck in in NYC.  Hope it doesn’t continue here.

i could be more motivated to do things for myself

i could make new in -person friends more easily

new things didn’t seem like such a big commitemnt

i could try things

Feeling like my life is stagnant and that i’m wasting time that i should be spending doing something productive or ‘living my dream’ or whatever is part of what is keeping me stuck in an unfulfilling headspace, but that too is a construction that feeds on itself.

What do I need to take back reel in recover reclaim integrate collect so that I can share allocate balance meditate more wisely compassionately selfishly nourishingly intentionally kindly deservedly deservedly excitedly godly goodly?

Stretch/Risk – I would do yoga and/or some kind of exercise to bring my body into a better condition, even if it was hard at first. I would have a compassionate teacher who would help me through, in a way that would not bring back old gym class fears.

Stretch/Risk – I would invest in myself more, in this way, and be more consistently healthful with my food choices, while also allowing for ice cream and such.

Stretch – I would spend more time helping people unstick themselves and helping them reframe their challenges and passions and dig into their core.  This would pay me decently, though it wouldn’t be about the money.  I would get some training and potentially some certification so that I would feel comfortable using these skills with people I don’t already know.

Stretch (Unclear) – I would have a few other skills that I enjoy helping others with that could bring in some income.  I would make sure that I had the tools both to do do these skills for people in a way that I feel comfortable with and also the tools to manage the financial aspects of a life that includes a bunch of different incomes, and the implications therein.

This would allow me to reduce the amount of financial assistance I’m getting from my mother so that I dont feel like a burden.

Stretch (Unclear/$) – I would also create some kind of regular creative output that was ‘just for me’, so that I could feel like my ratio of consumption to production was on track. I would get any equipment and instruction i need in order for the technical aspects of this output to not be a hindrance.

Risk – I would give myself the freedoms to act on my own behalf, and ask for a kick in the pants when I know that i need it. I would have clarity into my self-sabotaging habits and be able to recognize and acknowledge when they come up without letting them keep me from acting.

Die – I would let go of old wounds as much as possible, and stop feeling guilty about my relationship with my father.

Stretch – I would journal more, and spend some reflective time each day, without my life turning into a series of self-help projects to the extent that I’m not actually living it.

Risk – My relationship would be open and supportive of both our individual growth and our growth as a couple.  We would both be confident and act from enlightened self-interest, while giving each other the room to falter.

Risk – I would not be as reliant on my partner for social energy, and would each have our own friends, so that our time together would be more of a conscious choice rather than a default.

Risk – My sex life would be fun, adventurous and thrilling on balance with romantic and intimate.  I would feel confident and well-versed enough to talk about what I want in the moment and to help my partner give me the best pleasure, so that she would not have to guess to ‘guess’.  I would expect the same from my partner, and be supportive toward that goal for both of us.

It would be okay if these things weren’t all happening perfectly all at the same time.  I would feel confident enough to manage the plates.