sdcjournal

Private Journal – Keep Out.

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new findings

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resistance to excitment/creativity was a way sto exert control over my life, also mirrors dad’s ‘my way or the highway’ approach to what i’m ‘allowed too do’

talked with mom about dad ‘putting family first’…says he always wanted to amke sure that i was provided for, but art was always first for him abotve all else even before i was born…when they were goint otr be married he warned her that art would always come first…used to warn his class “if you can do anything other than art, go do that instead” and that eople like him shouldn’t have kids.

art was like a preferred sibling, which is why i get triggered to be angry and resentful in places like museums, where art is revered, and why i have internal blockages about my own creative output. need to try to take on projects that are simple enough not to trigger my resistance.

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August 30th, 2011 at 7:05 pm

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Life update

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not great not bad. i’m recognizing in therapy that i have a mental block against giving myself clarity of what i want, and taking action on my own behalf that goes back to when my parents split up… theres a whole “if im successful in doing waht i love, that will let them off the hook for the trauma of them splitting up when i was younger” thing happening

we went to san fran for a week, which i was hoping we’d both fall in love with, and turned out we liked but didn’t love it. its not really all that different from nyc, and i think we’re looking for a bigger change
that said, there are surrounding areas that are closer to what we want
i met with the wikimedia people while i was there. have not heard back

till dont know where we want to live, exactly.  san fran was nice but not fall-in-love nice, at least not with a 6 figure job or two.  Maybe osmething will open up further south, or north, or in a way that we can work remotely

we’re both looking for some peace. or the environoment where peace can flourish

8:24pm
its been a challenge to navigate us both needing new jobs and us both wanting to move… a lot of variables to consider for each decision
fortunately we seem to have similar taste in the kind of place we’d like to live next

 

Month 4 going on 5 with no job

the days can be frustrating without direction.  I shoudl be giving myself more porjects to do.  I’m still teaching myself final cut though i haven’t worked on kate’s video in awhile.

Guest blogging fora  few places, focgin myself to write

s

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April 21st, 2011 at 10:12 pm

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what i’m looking for in an employer

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  • A small-to-medium-sized company whose goal is to be established yet nimble.  One that is resourceful rather than rigid.  At this point, it would take a very special larger company to attract me away from these values.  The word “corporate” does not bring a smile to my face.
  • One that allows for flexibility and internal mobility for its employees to explore different facets of the work.
  • Trust in employees to do their best work, and processes that enable that to happen. ( Things like timesheets, dress codes, etc are examples of things in the kind of environment I’m trying to avoid.)
  • A company with well thought out internal communications and infrastructure.  Knowledge-sharing and project management tools should be de rigeur. (Yes, I’m trying to avoid an excess of interminable meetings)
  • A diverse, team-based and creative workforce. (I grew up in NYC. Having a large group of differing perspectives from people with a similar commitment to awesomeness is ideal for me.)
  • A team that “gets it”.  Internal evangelism is something I’ve had to do a ton of in the past, and while I’m willing to do it, the higher percentage of people who are on board with human communications, creating awesome stuff and bringing joy to all those around them, the better. Honestly, I’m tired of fighting.
  • A company and leadership that would rather make interesting mistakes than no mistakes at all.  A place where “risk aversion” rarely enters into the creative conversation.

Just so you know it’s not just me, Mashable recently posted an article by Soren Godhamerpointing to a Towers Watson study and found “companies with high employee engagement had a 19% increase in operating income and almost a 28% growth in earnings per share. Conversely, companies with low levels of engagement saw operating income drop more than 32% and earnings per share decline over 11%.”  He goes on to list many of the points I’ve noted above.

It should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me that when it comes to human communication online, I’ve frequently found myself just a little out-of-step from the “social media experts”, the Marketing-Focused ROI-Obsessed Marketing Managers, the people who focus on “what could benefit the company in any situation”, the folks who care a little too much about calling every form of online communication “Social Media”, as if that phrase has some inherent value beyond a buzzwordy way of saying “lets talk with people like they’re people”.  I care about creating a great experience for and with people who honor us with their attention. My old manager was obssesed with Social Media Daily because their agency would help his business with social media marketing strategies.

Interactions based on authenticity, humility, grace and humor are the most valuable, both professionally and personally

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February 24th, 2011 at 12:17 pm

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Therapy things to cover

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– Talk to mom

  • Effect of her leaving conversation
  • brought up that we need to talk
  • conversation with dad
  • Divorce coming up/$

– Kate Discussion re: Abandonment stuff

  • Have let her know not to make a big deal about it, and to have it not be a big deal
  • Brain is wired to look for something to be wrong
  • Trigger in the morning still
  • I know its silly but i can’t tell her because even though its silly i think it will affect her and how she relates to me

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March 24th, 2010 at 5:22 pm

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Internal challenges to my emotional development

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  • Lack of positive reinforcement to letting my guard down, historically (have tried to become more emotionally connected, only to be stuck in depression)
  • Taking ownership of my own feelings
  • Frequently ignored or vampired (friends, family)
  • It feels hard to identify the tangible upside for me
  • Risks my feeling of being self-contained and self-reliant, feels counter to that.

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August 18th, 2009 at 10:53 pm

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A pattern emerges.

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“Yes, but so what?”

This apparently is my mantra.  it allows me to remain stuck, unable or unwilling to make substantive changes in how i treat myself, how much credit i give myself for making it trough my past, ability to stick up for myself and get what i want, or even to treat myself better.

The combination of this phrase and my repression of a larger spectrum of emotions, allowing myself to experience them , has been a driving force and the core difficulty throughout the time i’ve spent both on my own and living at home after my parents “split”  I feel like I’ve concocted a situation where every move already has a counteraction, like i’m pressing against walls made of rubber bands in an attempt to break through.  It’s Newtonian in its trappings.

I don’t want to look back on my life with regret at all the things i did not allow myself to experience and all the times i could’ve better looked out for myself or taken care of myself, but my brain is almost excited at that proposition.  what the hell is wrong with me that I’m stuck like this.

I feel like in order to change I’m going to have to do everything exactly the opposite of how i have been doing it.  and yet, still stuck, and time’s a-wasting.  Being aware of this prison of my own devising is hell.  Checkmating yourself is worse than being checkmated by an external situation.

Then again, maybe it is the unique confluence of events that has brought me to this stuck place, and my ‘taking credit’ for being here is part of the disease.  Ironic that the only thing I’m comfortable taking true credit for is making myself unable to get out of my mindset.   Even now, the “Yes, but so what” continues in my head.  Is keeping a diary self-indulgent? It’s so powerful, I’m afraid I wont ever be able to break free and I will be stuck with this narrow range, being “fine” and lonely, never letting anything through, enjoying the trappings of comfort and security and solace in isolation.

Empty castles indeed.

Fighting against a prison of my own devising (or maybe not, but it feels that way).  What do I do now? Where are the cracks? What are the tools? Surely spending time thinking about the circumstances of my own restraint can’t be the only thing I can do?

Maybe sleep will help.

What’s the sledgehammer in this scenario?  I doubt such an action exists.  And even if it did,

Yes, but so what.

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August 3rd, 2009 at 2:58 am

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thoughts on being stuck

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i’ve trapped myself inside a bubble of antisocial reactive frustation.  who dont i want to see me win?  what difference does it make? whose life is it anyway?  i must figure out a way to motivate myself, to make the changes i need, to figure out what they are and to not be held back.

addicted to disappointing people?
– acknowledgment
– being valued (but negatively)
– being missed

i hold myself back so my dad doesn’t get to see my succeed and think that everthing that happened between me and him turned out okay.  I want him to know how our relationship affected me, but at the same time i’m conflicted between my anger at him and my need to protect him since i feel like he’s lost his family and it would just be adding insult to injury to punish him further, so instead I’m punishing myself by proxy by holding myself back from success.

at least when i dont show up for something i get to hear about how people wished i was there, and how it wouldve been nice if i’d shown up.

letting someone down can sometimes be the only way to know that my contributions are valued at all

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March 15th, 2009 at 11:18 pm

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Resolutions for 2009.

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Resolutions
– Collaborate more
– Trust, share and value my emotions
– Spend more time with friends in person (especially if travel is necessary), reconnect
– Treat myself and the world around me with more love and respect
– Go after what I want without letting fear stop me.
– More precisely define my passions, figure out how to make them more core to my day-to-day existence.

revised for blog:

  • Collaborate more, professionally and personally.  Engage others and allow myself to be engaged with.
  • Trust, share and value my emotions during the course of every day.
  • Spend more time with friends in person (especially if travel is necessary), reconnect with peripheral people.
  • Treat myself and the world around me with more love and respect.
  • Go after what I want without letting fear stop me.  Say yes more than I say no.
  • More precisely define my passions, figure out how to make them more core to my day-to-day existence.

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December 29th, 2008 at 5:24 pm

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my awful evening

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So, Wednesday night was the TVT Christmas PArty for all former TVT employees, which I set up.My phone was dead all night.  I went home in a cab around midnight with my friend Shawn who also lives in astoria, got to my door and realized that i’d left my keys at the office.  buzzed the super for like 15mins, he wasn’t there.  got on the N back to manhattan, but it turns out that theres construction between queens and manhattan so it left me off at queensboro plaza and i had to transfer to the 7, and of course i missed the grand central stop so ended up in times square, waiting for the N which of course was never gonna come.  so ended up taking a cab BACK to east vill to stand and ring the buzzer of my dads place for 20 minutes before remembering that he’s not in town…so finally walked back to phoebes where a friend of mine who was still there lent me their phone so i could wake up my mom so she could let me crash on her couch in alphabet city, stumbled to her place, woke her up and finally crashed at like 2:30

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December 11th, 2008 at 9:00 pm

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Some thoughts for December

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Letting who i am and what i’m capable of wash through me instead of forcing it down feels really good though i’m just getting used to it

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December 7th, 2008 at 5:29 pm

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