sdcjournal

Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for the ‘Women’ Category

“I’m Tired” letter

leave a comment

Hi

I’m tired.

I’m tired of having sex with you once a year.

I’m tired of having it explained to me over and over in dozens of different ways why it is difficult for you. As a woman. As a person living in a sex-negative culture. As a person with anxiety.

I’m tired of wanting you and having that desire cause panic attacks.

I’m tired of thinking that things might get better if only we talked more.

I’m tired of having the dynamic feel like I’m the bad guy or the aggressor by wanting to touch you and be passionate with you.

I’m tired of my attempts at spontaneity being responded to with rejection or discomfort.

I’m tired of being lectured as to why you’re uncomfortable.

I’m tired of feeling like an asshole for wanting to fuck you more than annually, and more than occasionally getting to go down on you.

I’m tired of not having gotten a blowjob from you for three years.

I’m tired of feeling like a bad person for not being more patient, or like I’m being unreasonable. I’m tired of feeling guilty. I’m tired of beating myself up for not being more compassionate.

I’m tired of not knowing what to do. I’m tired of being upset. I’m tired of the conversations. I’m tired of not being able to talk to you about it. I’m tired of talking about it and things not changing. I’m tired of internalizing. I’m tired of thinking that its counterproductive to get angry about wanting to do more of something that doesn’t really coexist with anger. I’m tired of feeling unkind, when I’ve been kind for so long about this.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know the real reason. I’m tired of hoping you’ll work it out in therapy. I’m tired of wondering if we should go back to couples therapy.

I’m tired of shouldering more than my share of this burden. I’m tired of crying about it while you’re away. I’m tired of hearing things like “This is just how it is in long term relationships”. I’m tired of worrying about talking to you about how I feel. I’m tired of worrying about your rebuttals. I’m tired of toning down my upset so you don’t think i’m a monster. I’m tired of feeling that sharing my upset will do nothing but make you feel shitty.

I’m tired of feeling like there is no solution.

I’m tired of waiting.

I’m tired of hurting.

I’m tired.

I love you and I’m so tired and I needed you to know because I don’t want to continue to go on like this.

Written by admin

August 3rd, 2017 at 12:22 pm

Posted in Kate

Kate Sex Letter

leave a comment

As you know, this was very difficult for me to get out. To initially put your mind at ease, there are no major bombshells in this text and no breakup-level conclusions.

With that out of the way…

I have been thinking about my relationship with our sex life. You said when we first opened our relationship that you were scared that I would be “outsourcing” my sexual needs. It wasn’t intentional, but there is a way in which that has happened, in some respects. That was not my intent and I apologize.

In order to begin to address this, I think it’s important for me to share more directly some of my thoughts and feelings about my own sexual expression and how it relates to our life together in the hopes that the information can be useful. I hope that this helps you and I figure out how to fix the ways in which we go about approaching each other, making ourselves available for and guiding ourselves and each other through regular satisfying sexual encounters with each other.

Here’s some context. Throughout my life, sex and sexual validation has been a space that I’ve gone to for reasons other than just arousal. It is a space where I can feel validated and seen and feel like I’m worth something through another person’s eyes. It is a space where I can feel like people want me around, and where I can be useful. It is a space that can be a manifestation of my desire to please and aid and give pleasure to the people I care about. It is also an area where it is distinctly uncomfortable to focus on verbalizing my own wants for pleasure or satisfaction. There is an element of it that I would define as submissive or bottom-y. It has a specific energy. It is probably related to my challenges with asserting my needs.

These needs and desires express themselves in many areas that are not uncommon. On my own, there’s webcamming, flirting with people, casual dating. They scratch the itch.

Lately (and especially since the breakup with Jess), another way I’ve found to scratch the itch is to explore these energies in a more explicitly Domme/sub situation with a new friend. She’s been texting me specific demands (relatively innocuous ones, mostly around pictures and video and fantasy), and I am to fulfill them immediately. She is also sharing my number (and a password) with a select group of her fun pervy friends with similar interests and I am to fulfill their requests as well. It feels powerful to be desired and to have my existence and behaviors serve their pleasure in specific ways.

I don’t have any particular attachment to this person (though she seems cool otherwise), this is not the only thing that turns me on (and I don’t think that it would be a turn on if it were more on the sadistic scale), this is not Who I Am particularly. However, getting to explore this side of me is definitely A Thing That Turns Me On, and I am grateful for the opportunity to see what it’s like. I also feel sad and frustrated that it seems to me like it would be very challenging for me to come to you with a request like this and be able to try it. That may be a self-fulfilling prophecy, I’m not sure.

Within a relationship, I think people will commonly share sexy pics on snapchat, flirt and get flirted with during the day to build up tension, share sexual touches. We partner up and do these things to express desire, attraction and mutual validation of our partners attractiveness and sexual worthiness. These are some areas that, from my perspective, you do not seem as interested in. I feel sad about this. I may be misinterpreting, and it definitely provokes a long, compounded emotional response.

I want our sex life to be fun and adventurous and experimental, maybe in a way that is outside of what your interests/comforts are. I want you to trust me enough to let things happen that you aren’t expecting. I want to trust you enough to tell you what I want and feel like I have the right and expectation that you will do your best to make it happen. I want to go to swing clubs and see what they’re like. I want to play around with power structures with you. I want to have the ability to be both romantically sexual and dirty sexual, and I’m scared that you will be more into the vanilla stuff and we will not find compatibility and compromise.

I don’t really feel like the pattern we’re in allows me to do this. I don’t feel like I can be playful and direct and actually do the things that you talk about wanting to do. We talk about wanting to do things and then they don’t happen, and we just drop it. We talk about particular activities and then for whatever reason we don’t follow through. I feel sad and rejected and powerless to adjust this pattern. It seems sometimes like each of us is sometimes more interested in talking about wanting to do things than actually doing them.

My sex life with you can sometimes feel like a scary space with unclear intent and rules and boundaries and interests and comfort levels where intent is not followed by action, where a welcome touch one moment can lead to feeling tickled to the point of me needing to move away, or to the point of discomfort being communicated. I am aware that a lot of this is reflex and not a personal attack. I need to make you aware that even though I understand this, it still affects me.

I don’t really know what you mean when you talk about attraction as being different after being together so long. I’m worried it means you aren’t sexually attracted to me. I am still very much into you in that way. I still desire your touch. I still see you and get excited. I’m scared that it’s not the same for you. I don’t know what I can do about this, if there’s anything that I CAN do.

Maybe you just aren’t interested in sex in the same way that I am. Maybe you are and it hasn’t been communicated. I’m not sure. I do think that there are some fundamental differences that exist and some ways in which we haven’t acknowledged what we each want. I also think there are ways in which we could both be open to trying things outside of our comfort zone, be it specific activities or being more proactive in asking for what we want.

I am invested in figuring this out. I think maybe the elephant in the room that we don’t talk about in therapy isn’t that we aren’t having sex, it’s that sex serves two different functions for each of us and neither of us are clear on what this means for how we can be good partners for each other and how we can’t. I, for one, would like to begin to take a look and unpack this both together and in therapy so that we can adjust each of our expectations appropriately for the moment. I do not mean this to sound defeated or like I’m just trying to salvage what is possible to salvage. I am doing my best to look at this aspect of our relationship for what it is and meet each other where we are and then build outward.

These are my messy and jumbled thoughts and feelings, the product of a lot of thinking and late-night writing. Please be gentle with how you choose to respond.

xox

Jeremy

Written by admin

July 13th, 2016 at 5:32 pm

Posted in Kate

Direct Communication Letter

leave a comment

What I wanted to say is this.  I think when we have these conversations, I hear you express fear that saying things that you think will be difficult for me will lead me to be angry or sad and therefore you are scared to say them and that’s why you don’t.  I understand your perspective on this.

I think that we have to, HAVE to be okay with saying the things we are scared to, and learn how to say them to each other in a way that is compassionate, direct and kind. we are each responsible for our own emotions and also for being aware of each others triggers and deliver information in a useful way.  It seems like you feel (and correct me if i’m wrong) that there is no space to share information that you determine will cause emotional distress.  I do think that we have not yet done a great job of normalizing this.  I cannot overstate how important it is that we figure out a way to do this.

I think also that part of the problem is that this tends to be framed as “I have all this stuff to tell you that will hurt you so i don’t tell you” so I end up in a position where I’m arguing that you should hurt me, which is like… not a fair place for me to be.  What I actually want to say around this is that we both must be direct with each other about things we are thinking and feeling in as close to real time as possible and be clear on the ways both to hear and to say them so that the other person can hear and respond in a productive way, rather than feeling attacked or blamed.

Obviously this is not a thing with a  100% success rate, but if we keep talking about “i have all this shitty stuff that i can’t say to you because you are going to get really angry and i feel sad about it” then all it does is put me in a place where if i argue that you should say stuff more and then you say a thing and I react in an emotional way, or if I actually feel hurt by what you say, then it will be used as evidence that you should not have been direct with me in the first place, which is really shitty manipulation (and yes of course I realize that you are not consciously intending it to be this.  This is the effect it is having.)   I grant you permission and encourage you to be both kind and direct when sharing your feelings and thoughts about whatever you like.  I do not grant you permission to have that sharing be contingent on me only being able to respond in a certain way in order to not indirectly justify your lack of sharing.

I know you think you are sparing me emotional distress.  I want to dissuade you of this.  I do not want to have a no-conflict relationship.  I have felt off and on for a long time that there has been a tone and situation where a lot of day-to-day conflict was off limits or unsafe and to be avoided, and if I say a potentially conflict-y thing, I am accused of being mean to you or picking on you or hurtful.

Even typing this, I am anticipating that reaction and trying to figure out ways to soften what I am saying to make it more likely that you will take it in the spirit in which it is intended.  I am aware that some of this is my own stuff.

A no-conflict relationship is both impossible and creates its own silent resentment which is significantly more toxic than a relationship with uncomfortable conversations and sometime-hurt-feelings.  I don’t think either of us want this.  You said you don’t want a companionate relationship. I think “no-conflict” is another word for this, or at least that it is a symptom.

So, what I think needs to happen is that we need to have some serious talk about how to create a safe space for what we perceive to be difficult information. What words to use, the setting, the frequency.  We also need to talk about the assumptions that either of us make regarding how we think the other person will take information and how much weight we give that assumption when deciding whether to actually say the thing or not.  I think that we both use that process as a way to avoid conflict and it needs to stop.

I do think that these behaviors make it more difficult to share good things, or gratitude or appreciation or genuinely positive. When we both pull toward “Fine” or “conflict-free” in different amounts or in different ways, then it creates a shallowness to the relationship in all but the most vulnerable of situations (like right before bed or sometimes when driving).  It pulls everything toward the middle for the sake of not having things be ‘below the line’.  I do not want this to be what our relationship is. This does not feel safer to me or better to me.  This feels emptier and less fulfilling.

I appreciate so much when you are open and honest with me.  I appreciate so much when you share your thought process. I appreciate so much when you are able to give me feedback with the goal of improving your experience in the relationship.  I appreciate so much your continued willingness to come to couples therapy and sit in difficult conversations.  I appreciate so much your willingness to read what I have to say and really take it in.

My aim is not to place blame or threaten or even to encourage you to say things you feel will be hurtful to me in a hurtful way for the sake of having said them.  I don’t think that the only two options are to be hurtful or to say nothing. It is possible to be both direct and kind.  We can teach each other what that means for each of us. We are teaching each other.

All my love always

-momo

Written by admin

June 30th, 2016 at 4:21 pm

Posted in Kate

Sex Journal

leave a comment

What I heard

  • You feel like it is ‘all your fault’ and you should be ‘blamed’
  • You also feel like I am not ‘taking’ any of the ‘blame’ but are unable to identify what specifically you are looking at.
  • You feel that the open relationship may be a thing that is causing difficulty, but not (as some would assume) because you think/fear that I am going to leave you
  • You worry about being judged in the bedroom.
  • You think that mediocre sex is better than no sex, but also

why I feel angry

what’s next

I am glad that you were uncomfortable and unsettled because maybe that will lead to some futher investigation. I feel sad that you are hurting. One of the things that I am working on is internalizing that it is not my job to keep you comfortable, especially when it is at the cost of me expressing my needs or the health of the relationship. I love you and us too much to continue in that role, in the areas in which I have been.

It IS my job to support and cheer you on as you do hard work, and it is your job to do that for me.

Written by admin

May 9th, 2016 at 10:12 pm

Posted in Kate

Assertiveness Ramble to Rachel

leave a comment

I think that we are both aware of those things, and I’m trying to be even more effusive, especially after hearing some of the specific challenges Kate has around feeling like she doesn’t deserve nice things and that our relationship is somehow ‘less than’ because she doesn’t deserve someone as committed to her as other people have (a premise that i disagree with but can see how it would seem valid from her perspective).

I am also trying to be more assertive in our sessions. Sometimes i feel like only Kate’s difficulty with stuff gets out there and then we spend time talking about how to make it okay for her.

I’m also working both in with you and out on not taking responsibility/burden for her challenges around our relationship.  Not to be cold or callous but just to be like… if she says that there isn’t anything in particular that i can do to help (whether thats true or whether there is but she doesnt want to say or feels unable to say) then all i can do is live my life and be compassionate that sometimes things will be difficult for her and i am here if she wants to talk or whatever.

On some level (or really all levels), it’s her responsibility to work through a lot of the stuff that gets brought up is on her and my role is to be supportive and keep her in mind when acting.  This is a real struggle for me to be like “i am living my life and there are aspects of it that cause discomfort in my partner, but that doesn’t mean that I should necessarily change my behavior just so my partner never has to feel discomfort. It feels like a really tricky balancing act and sometimes like i’ve been weighting things super far in the other direction, especially given her anxious brain’s occasionally disproportionate emotional reaction to things.  It’s difficult to not feel like shit for that position.  It is better for her to own her own shit though, even if it seems difficult for her and much simpler to put it on me.

Anyway, that’s my rambling for the moment.

j

Written by admin

October 2nd, 2015 at 3:56 pm

Posted in Kate

kate letter to me

leave a comment

i feel kind of sick about our conversation last night. i have so many feelings swirling around my head right now that it’s hard to get them organized into something relatively coherent.

i think that sometimes in these situations, people want to look for one huge obvious problem, but in my heart i know that it’s a fairly mundane “combination of things” that has affected my chemistry with you. and part of me has been trying to compile stuff that’s on you, but the truth is that it’s mostly on me. it’s mostly on me that i haven’t been communicating my wants and needs. it’s on me that i haven’t been initiating. i’m not sure why. i know that it’s never been my strongpoint, but for some reason it feels so intimidating for me. i think that one of the reasons it’s intimidating is that it feels like your sexuality is a huge part of who you are. i’m just a different kind of person and sometimes i feel like if i’m not like you, i’m wrong. (that’s not a criticism of you, just how i sometimes feel)
i guess i feel this weird sense of competitiveness about it where it’s like, if i can’t “win” i just give up/opt out/get frustrated/feel bad because i’m letting you down. it feels deeply unsexy to me to have to microanalyze every touch. kissing has gotten ridiculous. i’m reluctant to do anything because i’m expecting criticism. not only is it difficult for me to hear feedback, it’s almost worse to give it. it feels like the magic has just dissipated. i do still feel magic in other parts of our relationship, i just feel like our sexual relationship isn’t a natural extension of that. it feels clinical and it hurts so bad to know that you apparently have this amazing natural chemistry with other people and with me it’s just not there.
my therapist asked me last week if i thought i was depressed. i guess i don’t *feel* depressed. i don’t think there’s an obvious reason why i would be. there are lots of things in my life that make me happy. on the other hand, there’s a lot that i push down. there are a lot of ways in which i feel like a fraud and afraid of everything and like i can never truly relax. there are ways that i’m really mad at you but i can’t express it. there are ways that i have a lot of self hatred and i don’t understand why i feel this way despite two different kinds of therapy.

Kate Farina
 
347 306 7954

Written by admin

February 16th, 2015 at 4:24 pm

Posted in Kate

musings on being alone

leave a comment

when i’m alone without kate, sometimes i get worried that we are not as good of a match as we seem to think we are.  sometimes i feel like i’ve outpaced her in terms of personal growth and wanting to try new things, and she’s more of a weight keeping me from doing those thing sbecause of her anxiety-as-default-response thing.  this scares me a lot a lot.

 

i do realize that we end up talking about this in therapy, it just sometimes comes up that we might be too different ot have this work and have us both be happy.  I also realize that every time i seem to feel that way, kate surprises me.  I just really hate tsome parts of our relationship that seem like i’m dragging her along and that she really just wants to be comfortable and safe and taken care of, and while all those things are great, they cannot be the only thing.

I think the truth of it is that i’m bored and fidgety. i love her a lot, and maybe this isn’t just about my relationship.  but it is something that keeps coming up.

scary things.

 

 

Written by admin

June 6th, 2013 at 12:19 am

Posted in Kate

Reflections on relationship

leave a comment

I feel sick to my stonach and betrayed

I dont want to lose her

has she been avoiding physical intimacy with me for so long?

What does this mean

Can we still make it work?

I want to

I’m really scared.

Why won’t the tears come?

We need to be talking more.

I feel really hurt. I dont want my relationship to be without passion

I don’t want to turn into her parents, who dont even hold hands

What is going on

Do i believe we can fix it?

We hvae to

There is no other option

I must not listen to my thoughts, the pattern recognition is often pattern creation. I look, i find.

We need to reaffirm our commitment to each other.

I can’t go back over the chat log It’s pain porn.

Things are not really different from yesterday except that shes been more honest with me about some things. The feelings are still there.

I thought this was not going to happen with this relationship.

I guess it is always something.

We WILL figure it out.

We may need help.

I’m really scared.

I still want to be here.

Can continue to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be physically intimate with me?

Is that the actual question? Are those the circumstances? Is that true? What’s really going on? What has my role been in this? What needs to change?

We need to be talking about this more.

And getting more sleep

We can move forward

Why is my brain telling me that this is it?

Just because you think it, doesn’t make it true.

It is not for me to fill in the blanks. Brain will fill in blanks with scary stuff that isn’t real.

And yet still i feel dark. It will pass. No decisions today. Just take it slowly and rebuild better and stronger.

 

Written by admin

November 29th, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Posted in Kate

Now the work begins

leave a comment

Jeremy Meyers

i was all touching up on ya last night, you were having none of it.

 

10:26

Kate Farina

i was asleep!

or mostly asleep

10:26

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

10:27

Kate Farina

what time did you come to bed?

10:27

Jeremy Meyers

came and then left again

 

10:29

Kate Farina

ok i wasn’t sure. i thought maybe you left

10:34

Jeremy Meyers

yeah i did

to take care of business

 

10:37

Kate Farina

ok. sorry it was like 2 am and i had been sleepin for a bit

10:37

Jeremy Meyers

ok

11:03

Jeremy Meyers

meh

 

11:04

Kate Farina

 

11:05

Jeremy Meyers

frustrating.

 

11:06

Kate Farina

what is

11:06

Jeremy Meyers

a lot of things

 

11:06

Kate Farina

well of course it is frustrating when you put it that way

can we make time for cuddles and stuff

in bed

11:06

Jeremy Meyers

it just feels so broken

 

11:07

Kate Farina

what does

11:07

Jeremy Meyers

our physical passion for each other

 

11:07

Kate Farina

i don’t know what to do with “it just feels so broken”

11:08

Jeremy Meyers

you dont have to do anything with it

 

11:08

Kate Farina

i don’t have anything to do with our phsyical passion?

11:09

Jeremy Meyers

i dont know what to do with “i dont know what to do with”

 

11:09

Kate Farina

well it’s a pretty provocative statement

and i thought you don’t like “i just” statements

11:10

Jeremy Meyers

no

its that “i just wish that…” implies that the wish is something simple when its often something complicated.

 

11:13

Kate Farina

well having these kinds of conversations is part of why sex feels stressful to me

11:13

Jeremy Meyers

ok well then forget it

 

11:13

Kate Farina

because i feel like “this better go well or jeremy will say our passion is broken”

so i don’t know how to have open communication about it like thist

11:13

Jeremy Meyers

ok seriously forget i said anything

 

11:14

Kate Farina

it fucking HURTS when you throw bombs like that

and i’m PISSED AT YOU

11:14

Jeremy Meyers

i take it all back. everythings fine

 

11:14

Kate Farina

you make me feel like shit sometimes

i’m sorry. i’m just sick of this aspect of our relationship

i felt so close to you while we were in new york

and as soon as we got back stuff changed again

11:15

Jeremy Meyers

you went back to school and worked and then came home and worked and didn’t like sleeping and i was frustrated with my own life and here we are again.

 

11:17

Kate Farina

i love you so much, but sometimes this stuff is just so hard to deal with

11:17

Jeremy Meyers

yeah

 

11:18

Kate Farina

i’m sorry i blew up

11:18

Jeremy Meyers

thats fine

do what you need to do

but if i can’t bring it up lest it stress you out, and you dont bring it up other than to respond to me saying that its a lot of pressure for you, i dont know where that leaves us.

 

11:20

Kate Farina

i know. i get it

11:20

Jeremy Meyers

i dont think i’m being unreasonable and i’m not sure why you feel so much pressure to be perfect or whatever

 

11:20

Kate Farina

but “i feel like our physical relationship is broken” isn’t exactly a helpful place to start

11:20

Jeremy Meyers

thats not where its started. its every time we talka bout it for years now

i’m not sure how much responsibility i can take for or how helpful i can be in addressing that particular aspect of your baggage

 

11:21

Kate Farina

this isn’t just about my baggage

or your baggage

this is stuff that has been happening in this relationship

unique to this relationship

11:22

Jeremy Meyers

it comes from somewhere.

i’ve never asked you to live up to a particular standard, and yet you’re terrified of “not performing well enough for me”

that doesn’t come from me.

 

11:22

Kate Farina

but maybe it’s BECAUSE of stuff that happens in our relationship that i feel that way

maybe it’s because most of our conversations are about how bad our sex life is

11:24

Jeremy Meyers

ok well i take it back then. but i dont know how to fix things without talking about them. it doens’t seem like not talking about things that are challenging makes them any better.

 

11:24

Kate Farina

we need to talk about negative stuff, yes. of course. but maybe we need to talk about positive stuff too

or give each other positive encouragement or feedback

11:25

Jeremy Meyers

are you kidding? i feel like we do that all the time

i’m constantly supportive of you

i help you with your homework, i listen to your stories

 

11:25

Kate Farina

i mean in sex stuff

11:25

Jeremy Meyers

and i’m happy to do it whenever i can

 

11:26

Kate Farina

specifically

we do that all the time except in our sex conversations

11:26

Jeremy Meyers

i try to involve you with my online flirting and stuff

 

11:27

Kate Farina

ok, that might do it for you, but maybe it doesn’t for me

in the same way

11:27

Jeremy Meyers

or at all

 

11:27

Kate Farina

i’m not saying “at all”

11:27

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

11:27

Kate Farina

and i’m not just talking about the act of flirting

i mean just in our conversations about our sex life

maybe we need to start with good things

11:29

Jeremy Meyers

 

11:30

Kate Farina

i mean, “i like when you ____. it was fun when we ______”

i say that we should make time to get into bed earlier and i get hit with “our physical intimacy is broken.”

11:34

Jeremy Meyers

it wasn’t a response to your suggestion

 

11:34

Kate Farina

it seemed that way

11:34

Jeremy Meyers

in any case i said ‘physical passion for each other’

two way street

not ‘you are messing up my sex life’

i dont even really know how you feel other than you hate when i bring it up

 

11:36

Kate Farina

then maybe ask how i feel without it being a lament about our sex life

i mean that sincerely  not snarky

11:38

Jeremy Meyers

 

11:38

Kate Farina

i guess that’s what i’m saying about not starting the conversation from a negative place

11:38

Jeremy Meyers

i feel like if i dont start it it would never get started

 

11:38

Kate Farina

if you don’t what?

11:38

Jeremy Meyers

and i don’t know how it became my issue

that you get hurt by

 

11:39

Kate Farina

what issue?

talking about it?

11:39

Jeremy Meyers

the state of our sex life

whatever it is

 

11:40

Kate Farina

it’s not “your” issue

11:40

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

11:40

Kate Farina

it’s our issue

11:40

Jeremy Meyers

feels like it

 

11:40

Kate Farina

are you kidding?

11:40

Jeremy Meyers

if i were you i’d be fucking pissed that you werent getting fucked more often. i’d be demanding it.

 

11:41

Kate Farina

you mean because of the prostate thing?

11:41

Jeremy Meyers

what?

 

11:42

Kate Farina

are you saying it’s your issue because of that?

i’m confused

11:42

Jeremy Meyers

no

because i bring it up

 

11:42

Kate Farina

no. i assume you bring it up because it is my issue

11:42

Jeremy Meyers

well maybe i should stop and see what happens

since i dont seem to be helping

 

11:43

Kate Farina

are you hearing me?

er…reading me?

i’m not saying that we shouldn’t talk about it

11:43

Jeremy Meyers

yes, you think i bring it up because i want to complain about you not putting out

or whatever, however you want to phrase it

 

11:43

Kate Farina

sometimes yeah

isn’t that kind of the truth?

11:44

Jeremy Meyers

if you dont want to fuck me, we can address that.

 

11:44

Kate Farina

you bring it up when you’re frustrated with me

right?

11:45

Jeremy Meyers

not just.

but i am often frustrated about that part

becuase it seems like you say you want to more than you actually want to

or  can bring yourself to act on

or respond to

even now that you’re off birth control

 

11:48

Kate Farina

i don’t think there’s one major reason

i think it’s a combination of things

which isn’t a satisfying answer

but i think it’s mostly about being stressed and busy…about feeling lonely…and being at a point in our relationship where things feel kind of stagnant

11:52

Jeremy Meyers

because we’re not married?

 

11:52

Kate Farina

no

i just mean being in a long term relationship

11:52

Jeremy Meyers

so your’e bored?

i mean, thats fine

 

11:52

Kate Farina

i don’t really know how to  do that, in terms of sex

11:53

Jeremy Meyers

i dont think the answer is to have less sex

 

11:53

Kate Farina

and i’m not saying i’m bored of you sexually. because i feel like we really have only begun to explore

11:53

Jeremy Meyers

or to do fewer new things

 

11:54

Kate Farina

there is stuff i want to say but it is hard

11:54

Jeremy Meyers

now or in general

 

11:54

Kate Farina

i don’t want to hurt you

11:54

Jeremy Meyers

i love being intimate with you but i dont really feel like you’ve been into me specifically sexually for awhile, as much as enjoying the opportunity to have sex when you can

 

11:55

Kate Farina

i do love being intimate with you too

11:55

Jeremy Meyers

and if thats true, then we need to address it one way or another

its hurting me when we just dont do it at all, too.

 

11:55

Kate Farina

but for a big chunk of our relationship (more so lately), i think you’ve been down or depressed or something along those lines

and sometimes you are the most loving, sweetest person

like this past weekend

and i wanted to jump your bones

but sometimes you just seem so down. and even though you might grab my butt or whatever, i just don’t feel that spark

11:57

Jeremy Meyers

so your’e saying i’m too sad and not ind enough of the time for you to want to have sex with me?

 

11:58

Kate Farina

it is not easy to explain

i’m trying

11:58

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

11:58

Kate Farina

i am crying in here ok?

11:59

Jeremy Meyers

we can change the subject

i just want to know whats really going on

 

11:59

Kate Farina

?

11:59

Jeremy Meyers

because i’ve felt pretty rejected a lot of the time

12:00

Thursday, November 29, 2012

 

12:00

Kate Farina

it just has not been that easy for me

it’s really hard to put into words

everything i say is sounding wrong

12:01

Jeremy Meyers

take your time

 

12:02

Kate Farina

i have watched you go through some difficult stuff

and there were/are some times when i’m frustrated that i just try to bury

sometimes you being depressed does affect my desire for you i guess

12:05

Jeremy Meyers

do you think i’m depressed now?

 

12:05

Kate Farina

yes

12:05

Jeremy Meyers

well you’re wrong

 

12:05

Kate Farina

sometimes

well i suggested that last year and you also said i was wrong

i’m not a therapist. i don’t know

12:06

Jeremy Meyers

no.

 

12:06

Kate Farina

but i do spend a lot of time around you

12:06

Jeremy Meyers

so i’m sad so you dont want to have sex

ok

 

12:06

Kate Farina

jeremy

you complain about me being defensive during these difficult conversation

s

12:07

Jeremy Meyers

i’m just trying to figure out whats really going on

you’ve seen me go through some difficult stuff, and my life is not where i want it to be, so you dont feel attracted to me because sometimes i’m sad

thats what i’m getting

tell me if i’m wrong

 

12:08

Kate Farina

it’s not a blanket thing

it’s not an if then statement or whatever

but i think it has been a factor

you treat me differently when your mood changes

which i get. that’s natural

12:09

Jeremy Meyers

everyone treats everyone differently when their mood changes

 

12:09

Kate Farina

yes i know

when you act all loving to me, it is a turn on

12:10

Jeremy Meyers

it can’t be the only turn-on. i always love you, i dont always feel shmoopy, and i dont always feel shmoopy when i’m also horny.

 

12:11

Kate Farina

i’m not saying it’s the only turn on

12:12

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

12:12

Kate Farina

just giving an example

12:12

Jeremy Meyers

brb

 

12:14

Kate Farina

i’m sorry. i don’t have a good sensible explanation

12:14

Jeremy Meyers

well maybe you could make me a list

so i know what to do

because it feels pretty broken to me right now.

 

12:14

Kate Farina

i know sometimes i really do desire you. sometimes i don’t feel it as strongly

12:15

Jeremy Meyers

and maybe trying to spare my feelings isn’t actually working how you want it to work

because it just makes me feel like you either dont want to have sex or you do but not with me or you do but not with me how we do it.

but you wont just say any of those things

 

12:15

Kate Farina

ps…data is o this episode of friends

12:15

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

12:16

Kate Farina

i am really reluctant to say some things, yes

12:16

Jeremy Meyers

has that ever worked in our relationship?

 

12:16

Kate Farina

because you might feel hurt

12:17

Jeremy Meyers

fuck it

then i’ll feel hurt

and i’ll yell and be pissed

i’d rather be pissed than feel nothing

or feel like theres nothing actually being communicated

other than you keeping your legs tightly together when i’m touching you

like you’re waiting for me to stop

i understand your’e stressed and super busy with school and we’re just getting settled. i just want to figure out what’s really going on

and it feels like you’re just not that interested

and if thats the case, then we need to figure something out

 

12:21

Kate Farina

well, to be fair, sometimes post-midnight is not exactly the best time for me

12:22

Jeremy Meyers

ah but thats my fault because you wait for me tos ay when we should go to bed because you dont like sleeping

for whatever reason

i’m trying to be kind here but i’m also pissed and frustrated and hurt

 

12:22

Kate Farina

STOP REPHRASING THINGS AS ME BLAMING YOU

12:23

Jeremy Meyers

then what

 

12:23

Kate Farina

the late night thing is my problem too

i love you. like, as much as one person can love another. but there have been some difficult times in the course of our relationship. maybe that has affected some stuff for me. maybe part of it is just being with one person for several years.

12:26

Jeremy Meyers

what do you mean specifically by ‘affected some stuff’

your feelings for me are not in question

 

12:26

Kate Farina

i don’t know. maybe i resent you

12:27

Jeremy Meyers

ok

for what

or why

 

12:27

Kate Farina

i hate this

12:28

Jeremy Meyers

just say what you want to say

would you rather talk than type?

 

12:28

Kate Farina

i’ll just cry

12:28

Jeremy Meyers

up to you

but if you resent me, thats a big thing

thats a poison

 

12:30

Kate Farina

i don’t know. i don’t really know if that’s true

i think i might have for awhile when we were still in new york

12:30

Jeremy Meyers

few things are more toxic to a relationship

if not that then what

hello?

 

12:36

Kate Farina

i don’t know what to type

i don’t feel like there’s a poison in our relationship

12:36

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

12:37

Kate Farina

but i just don’t feel like a fiery passion, at least not all of  the time

12:38

Jeremy Meyers

yes, thats what relationships do

 

12:38

Kate Farina

well how do people deal with it

12:38

Jeremy Meyers

they fuck more

and do different things

and make it a priority

and sometimes they cheat

and sometimes they bring another girl or guy home

once the initial crush + infatuation/novelty wears off and is replaced with bonding stuff then its less ‘fiery all the time’

real life comes in, and soon enough you’re washing each others underpants or whatever

i dont know, kate, i’ve never been in a relationship for more than a year, and that one shouldve ended after six months and she cheated on me constantly

but i do know that the solution to not feeling limerance anymore isn’t to pair rejecting me with trying to protect my feelings about it by not talking about it

unless you wantt o have a lot more conversations like this.

 

12:42

Kate Farina

sometimes i think about the first few month of our relationship and i get sad

12:43

Jeremy Meyers

nobody keeps having as much sex as they did in the first few months of their relationsip

ship

ask anyone you know

we hardly knew anything about each other other than we liked each other a lot and wanted to be naked all the time

thats brain chemicals

you know…the seven year itch/

 

12:45

Kate Farina

yeah

12:49

Jeremy Meyers

so you’re over it

or something

 

12:50

Kate Farina

i’m over it?

12:51

Jeremy Meyers

i dont knwo

 

12:51

Kate Farina

over our relationship?

i’m not over our relationship

12:51

Jeremy Meyers

i’m not sure how to interpret what you’re saying other than the implication that you’re kinda meh on the whole lust factor with me

 

12:52

Kate Farina

do you feel lust for me?

12:53

Jeremy Meyers

sometimes but its hard when it doesn’t feel like you’re particularly receptive to it

whether thats real or imagined

 

12:53

Kate Farina

well in weird way i feel that way too

except i get that you’re physically receptive

ok, i think you will take issue with me saying this, but i just feel like you’re sometimes in a bad mood

12:56

Jeremy Meyers

i am a person. i am sometimes in a bad mood

 

12:56

Kate Farina

yes but, to me, it seems like more than that

and i think it has affected our relationship, or how i relate to you

doesn’t mean i don’t love you

12:58

Jeremy Meyers

you, also, are sometimes in a bad mood. or a stressed mood. or a busy mood

if you want to be with someone who’se never in a bad mood, i could get some uppers

 

12:58

Kate Farina

yeah, but jeremy, you seriously don’t think that you’ve been down for a while?

12:59

Jeremy Meyers

down is different than depressed

 

12:59

Kate Farina

i’m not using the word depressed

at this point

12:59

Jeremy Meyers

i’ve been down because i’ve had nothing going on

other than oyu

you

 

12:59

Kate Farina

ok well that is a tricky situation for both of us

1:00

Jeremy Meyers

i understand if you want to pull away from me.

do you think all that we’ve gone through in our relationship is too much?

 

1:00

Kate Farina

it just seems like i get the silent/upset treatment fairly often

1:01

Jeremy Meyers

i never learned how to be mad at someone

because it didn’t make a difference

or i got my stuff broken

or hit

or yelled at right back

so i just STFU.

couples fight and then they make up. if you think you can find someone that you can have a relationship and never fight, then by all means.

 

1:02

Kate Farina

i’m not saying we should never fight

but when you shut me out, it hurts and i don’t know what to do and that’s when i get so pissed at you

it’s like you become a different person

1:03

Jeremy Meyers

no. i’m the same person but angry.

you have been a huge part of my social experience the last few years and here in a new place especially.  now you are spending all day at school and then you come home and do homework and then go to sleep. and then dont want to invite friends over because you see them all the time. can you see how it would make me lonely and hurt and resentful, even though i support you and you going to school?

 

1:04

Kate Farina

so you resent me now?

1:04

Jeremy Meyers

and then to basically not want to be physical with me because i’m too sad?

and because things arent how they used to be?

sometimes. but thats my fault for not having a more diverse life right now.

i get that my life doesn’t exist in a vacuum and that it affects you too

i just dont know what to do now.

 

1:08

Kate Farina

i guess this is a rough patch

1:08

Jeremy Meyers

i wish you would have said these things before.

rather than trying to protect me

that never works.

never.

 

1:09

Kate Farina

well i’m not good at being direct with people, especially with negative stuff

1:09

Jeremy Meyers

i’m not people.

 

1:11

Kate Farina

well

what should we do

1:11

Jeremy Meyers

i dont know.

 

1:12

Kate Farina

i love you. i don’t want this to ruin our relationship

1:12

Jeremy Meyers

ok

i dont either

we’ll have to fix it.

 

1:13

Kate Farina

o

k

1:14

Jeremy Meyers

i have no further wisdom

or anything, really

we’ll figure it out

we always do, dont we

 

1:18

Kate Farina

well it’s 1:18

i guess we have so far

1:18

Jeremy Meyers

or maybe i only thought we did

 

1:19

Kate Farina

we have made it through stuff that would have broken other people up

1:19

Jeremy Meyers

how do you feel?

 

1:19

Kate Farina

terrible

1:19

Jeremy Meyers

me too.

 

1:20

Kate Farina

this is why i don’t like to talk about difficult stuff

1:20

Jeremy Meyers

kate its not fucking better to keep it to yourself

 

1:20

Kate Farina

i’m not saying it is

i’m saying that this terrible feeling is probably why i do keep it in

1:21

Jeremy Meyers

if we’d been talking about it the whole time it wouldn’t have to have been a four hour fight

 

1:22

Kate Farina

or would it be a fight that went on for three years?

1:22

Jeremy Meyers

thats your mom talking.

sorry that wasn’t fair

i’d rather you bring stuff up and have it be a little difficult every once in awhile than keep it to yourself and have it be awful all at once.

 

1:24

Kate Farina

i know

1:25

Jeremy Meyers

not to pile on.

 

1:26

Kate Farina

i think i need to get some sleep

1:27

Jeremy Meyers

ok

i’ll be in shortly

if thats okay

 

1:37

Kate Farina

i can’t seem to get myself off the couch

1:37

Jeremy Meyers

that’s okay too

 

1:38

Kate Farina

can we hug?

1:38

Jeremy Meyers

i need a minute to finish something then of course

 

1:38

Kate Farina

i’m gonna brush my teeth

Written by admin

November 29th, 2012 at 11:03 am

Posted in Kate

Late night letter to kate

leave a comment

 

Ok, well I'm glad you told me in whatever way you feel comfortable. I
will leave it to you to work out your own stuff and you can let me
know if there's something I can do to help. I honestly don't feel any
pressure or resentment. That is something I worked on in therapy,
because for a long time I think I was too reliant on you making some
move that would get me out of my crappy situation. In the end, I
needed to do something for myself. And it's the same for you, I think.

Honestly, this frustrated me for a long time. It's hard to just want
someone to be happy, or feel fulfilled, and have that drawn out for
several years. Obviously that's not as hard as going through it
yourself. But I hope you believe me when I say that I just want you to
be satisfied and challenged and all that good stuff. However you get
there is fine with me. You know that.

As for the other stuff (sorry to be vague, but I'm in class), I'm not
sure what to say that hasn't already been said. I'm kind of tired of
having this same conversation because I feel like it's also causing
some of my issues of feeling like I need to "please you" or whatever.
I will try to start Opening Up this weekend. I hope that might help us
to have a different kind of conversation. Because I keep feeling like
I'm in this loop where you tell me you're unhappy about something and
I feel like I need to do something about it to "keep you" or make you
feel better.

gotta go

On Tue, Oct 30, 2012 at 4:31 AM, Jeremy Meyers <softlord@pobox.com> wrote:
Dearest Kate-

So, here’s why I was up late last night.  I had some some stuff that’s been
bubbling under the surface (and sometimes not under the surface).  I know we
said we’d check in with each other, so here’s some stuff that’s going on
with me that for whatever reason I haven’t talked about or been able to
crystallize my thoughts on.  There are no huge life-changing bombshells in
here, and I’m not leaving, so don’t worry.

When I decided to move here with you, I knew that your schooling and the
program would be your priority.  This is the deal that I accepted, because I
love and support you and this is what you should be doing.  I did a lot of
reading on “what its like when your partner goes to grad school”, and
thought I was prepared.

However, I think a side effect of this is that its put into further stark
relief how unsatisfied I am with my life and what i’m doing with it. I’ve
basically been treading water since my Waggener job ended, to varying
degrees.  I know we’ve talked about it, but I’m not sure I’ve really
processed the full extent of my feelings on the subject.

I’ve always held that a healthy relationship consists of three parts.
Yourself, the other person, and your relationship.  I feel like I’ve lost my
own life momentum as you are gaining yours, and I’m not happy about it.

I’ve become acutely aware of how much of my own life (as distinct from our
life together) now revolves around you and your schedule and spending time
with you.  Obviously, I like spending time with you.  However, I’m very
frustrated that my life right now is about spending a lot of my time doing
freelance stuff while waiting for you to get home.

You’re the only person I’ve spent any significant time with since we got
here (and even for a long time before we moved). This leads to me wanting
distance sometimes, even when I don’t specifically want to “not be around
you”.

I love you and our time together, but I am also lonely, unchallenged and
under-stimulated a lot of the time.  Even before we were together I was
basically spending most of my time at home and alone, so this is not new
behavior.  I don’t think I’ve really let that sink in without trying to
explain it away or feel guilty because of some fantasy implications about
our relationship, when its not about our relationship.

None of this is news to you, obviously. I’m reticent to dwell on it too much
with you because I don’t want you to feel any pressure from me or that I
harbor any resentment toward you about your schooling.  I appreciate all the
support you’ve given me on this front and I’m sure I’ll be leaning on you
for more in the future.  I don’t, and I don’t want your priorities to shift.
It’s all on me to lead and theres nothing for you to adjust, I don’t think.
I dont know if theres anything specific I want you to do to help, either.

The thing is, I suck at doing stuff for me.  I’ve always been bad at it. I
don’t like making doctors appointments, I even put off bullshit stuff like
haircuts, and i’ve always fallen into jobs or relationships and left them
way after it was really time.  This is something that I really dislike about
myself, and though I have the rare moment of clarity about them, most of the
time i’m in a fog of ‘well what if thats not the right thing’ and disgust at
this stupid fucking habit getting the best of me while time in this life is
so short.  The phrase “wasted potential” comes up a lot.

So, thats something I’m going to figure out. I’m not sure how yet but I will
(and I have some ideas that i need to actually DO), because continuing on
how I have been is not sustainable and is only hurting me and by extension
our relationship, which is too important to me to fuck up now.

Other things....

It makes me sad that there are things that you’re ashamed of or deep dark
secrets that you still don’t feel comfortable enough to share with me,
things that could bring us closer together.

It makes me sad that you say you don’t treat yourself very kindly.  I want
to support you as much as I can, though I’m not sure what I can do or
whether it’s even my place, or if anything I could say would help you in
that respect.  But if there is, I will do it.

It makes me sad that after this much time we’re still so delicate with each
other sexually and can’t figure out a way to be more overtly sexual (or as
you say ‘sluttier’, though i’m not sure thats exactly accurate in my mind
and maybe thats part of the “problem”, framing being more overtly sexual as
a charged word like ‘slutty’).  These are things that I struggle with
internally.

I want to figure out why, I want to break through, I want to be way kinkier
and more spontaneous and adventurous than we’ve ever been.

I get frustrated, however, when it feels to me like you’re not being very
proactive with your needs and instead focusing on being accommodating and
reactive.  This is, I think, a theme that I’ve been struggling with trying
to accurately and specifically identify.  I’m not sure I have it precisely
right, but here’s what I’ve come up with.

It seems (from my POV at least) like you sometimes go into situations (be
they sexytimes or otherwise) with the attitude of not wanting to “disappoint
me”. That makes it very difficult for me (and you too, I suspect) to engage
in the moment.  For me it feels like it raises the stakes of every
interaction. It relies on you then feeling like you’re doing what I’d want
or what you think I’d expect, or deferring to my request or preference.
Then if I’m doing something outside of that or not providing or following
the right script, theres no way to communicate it without maybe ruining the
moment or risking the very thing you’re trying to avoid?

It also doesn’t leave room for your actual needs wants and desires to be
communicated or to happen, so maybe you’re ‘stuck’ with either me guesing or
you not getting precisely what you want out of the interaction, or more
often its me asking what you wanna do and getting frustrated, or you asking
what I want to do and me getting frustrated.  No good.

I’m not sure what the path to get to a better place about this is.  I can
hear your response already “well you don’t say what you want either”. I hear
what you’re saying, but I’m not sure that would help given the dynamic (not
that its the easiest thing for me either). This kind of stuff has us stuck,
and it needs to change.

One of the reasons I’ve been encouraging us both to read Opening Up is
because there’s a lot of stuff in there about sexual communication and
templates and things, and maybe that will help, er, open us up, regardless
of whether it leads to a restructuring of our monogamy boundaries.  In fact
it would probably be helpful to separate out the reading from any commitment
to opensexytimes, which is perfectly fine with me.

Some of the local people I’ve been talking to on OKC (and some that we’ve
been talking to together) seem like they’d be fun to hang out with even if
we dont end up getting naked with them.  I’m just not sure whether you’d be
okay with that happening, be i together or me by myself...I’m trying to make
friends on my own here too.

I’ve been thinking about it a bit and as much as i want to be having hot
threesomes and moresomes and meeting fun couples to play with and stuff, I’m
not sure given all the other stuff above that I’m even in the right
headspace to share that adventure and have it be sustainable.  I guess we’ll
see.

As pervy and kinky as i am, I'm also bored and lonely as I said, which is
possibly not the ideal situation to begin such things.  I don’t know,
though.  I just know that it’s really most important to me that it be
something that we're both excited about, or at least honestly open to
independently rather than you doing it because of how i feel about it or
that same sense of not wanting to disappoint me if you don't like it.

Well, now it’s late, I’ve been wrigting this letter for 3 hours and you
probably think I’m mad at you.  Well, I’m not.  I just needed to get this
out.

My love always

-Jeremy

Momo
— — Kate Farina Graduate Student, Digital Media Department Georgia Institute of Technology 347 306 7954 katefarina@gmail.com @katefarina

Written by admin

October 30th, 2012 at 9:40 am

Posted in Kate