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Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for the ‘Women’ Category

Balcony and Edging story

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so currently im not allowed to cum without permission from one of a few people and they are figuring out a schedule and/or ways i can earn it denial and stuff is super hot for me in addition, I’ve been instructed to edge regularly and also Kate has been edging me before bed and take pics/vids (which as always you are welcome to) and some other stuff that’s not specific to the story which i can share if you want

anyway, last night i got teased and blown out on the balcony by Kate. and told not to cum . and then licked my precum off her face. and fingered her for awhile. after which she sent me inside and told me i was a good boy for obeying doing her bj. it was dark but people could probably have seen if they were looking .

i wanted to get face rides but she’d walked a few miles home and felt self conscious about it. which would not stop me (especially in the framework of being made to do stuff. not that i ever need to be made to eat pussy generally or hers in particular) but whatever. and she said she likes sucking my cock in public maybe more than in private so I asked about maybe at a swing club or in front of people we know or in front of people we know (which would include the other people who decide if and when i get to cum), which she was not opposed to.

So yeah, super hot and exciting implications and so nice to get to explore and hear about a thing she realizes she’s into that might not have come (heh) up previously.

Written by admin

August 10th, 2021 at 6:23 pm

Posted in Kate

“I’m Tired” letter

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Hi

I’m tired.

I’m tired of having sex with you once a year.

I’m tired of having it explained to me over and over in dozens of different ways why it is difficult for you. As a woman. As a person living in a sex-negative culture. As a person with anxiety.

I’m tired of wanting you and having that desire cause panic attacks.

I’m tired of thinking that things might get better if only we talked more.

I’m tired of having the dynamic feel like I’m the bad guy or the aggressor by wanting to touch you and be passionate with you.

I’m tired of my attempts at spontaneity being responded to with rejection or discomfort.

I’m tired of being lectured as to why you’re uncomfortable.

I’m tired of feeling like an asshole for wanting to fuck you more than annually, and more than occasionally getting to go down on you.

I’m tired of not having gotten a blowjob from you for three years.

I’m tired of feeling like a bad person for not being more patient, or like I’m being unreasonable. I’m tired of feeling guilty. I’m tired of beating myself up for not being more compassionate.

I’m tired of not knowing what to do. I’m tired of being upset. I’m tired of the conversations. I’m tired of not being able to talk to you about it. I’m tired of talking about it and things not changing. I’m tired of internalizing. I’m tired of thinking that its counterproductive to get angry about wanting to do more of something that doesn’t really coexist with anger. I’m tired of feeling unkind, when I’ve been kind for so long about this.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know the real reason. I’m tired of hoping you’ll work it out in therapy. I’m tired of wondering if we should go back to couples therapy.

I’m tired of shouldering more than my share of this burden. I’m tired of crying about it while you’re away. I’m tired of hearing things like “This is just how it is in long term relationships”. I’m tired of worrying about talking to you about how I feel. I’m tired of worrying about your rebuttals. I’m tired of toning down my upset so you don’t think i’m a monster. I’m tired of feeling that sharing my upset will do nothing but make you feel shitty.

I’m tired of feeling like there is no solution.

I’m tired of waiting.

I’m tired of hurting.

I’m tired.

I love you and I’m so tired and I needed you to know because I don’t want to continue to go on like this.

Written by admin

August 3rd, 2017 at 12:22 pm

Posted in Kate

Kate Sex Letter

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As you know, this was very difficult for me to get out. To initially put your mind at ease, there are no major bombshells in this text and no breakup-level conclusions.

With that out of the way…

I have been thinking about my relationship with our sex life. You said when we first opened our relationship that you were scared that I would be “outsourcing” my sexual needs. It wasn’t intentional, but there is a way in which that has happened, in some respects. That was not my intent and I apologize.

In order to begin to address this, I think it’s important for me to share more directly some of my thoughts and feelings about my own sexual expression and how it relates to our life together in the hopes that the information can be useful. I hope that this helps you and I figure out how to fix the ways in which we go about approaching each other, making ourselves available for and guiding ourselves and each other through regular satisfying sexual encounters with each other.

Here’s some context. Throughout my life, sex and sexual validation has been a space that I’ve gone to for reasons other than just arousal. It is a space where I can feel validated and seen and feel like I’m worth something through another person’s eyes. It is a space where I can feel like people want me around, and where I can be useful. It is a space that can be a manifestation of my desire to please and aid and give pleasure to the people I care about. It is also an area where it is distinctly uncomfortable to focus on verbalizing my own wants for pleasure or satisfaction. There is an element of it that I would define as submissive or bottom-y. It has a specific energy. It is probably related to my challenges with asserting my needs.

These needs and desires express themselves in many areas that are not uncommon. On my own, there’s webcamming, flirting with people, casual dating. They scratch the itch.

Lately (and especially since the breakup with Jess), another way I’ve found to scratch the itch is to explore these energies in a more explicitly Domme/sub situation with a new friend. She’s been texting me specific demands (relatively innocuous ones, mostly around pictures and video and fantasy), and I am to fulfill them immediately. She is also sharing my number (and a password) with a select group of her fun pervy friends with similar interests and I am to fulfill their requests as well. It feels powerful to be desired and to have my existence and behaviors serve their pleasure in specific ways.

I don’t have any particular attachment to this person (though she seems cool otherwise), this is not the only thing that turns me on (and I don’t think that it would be a turn on if it were more on the sadistic scale), this is not Who I Am particularly. However, getting to explore this side of me is definitely A Thing That Turns Me On, and I am grateful for the opportunity to see what it’s like. I also feel sad and frustrated that it seems to me like it would be very challenging for me to come to you with a request like this and be able to try it. That may be a self-fulfilling prophecy, I’m not sure.

Within a relationship, I think people will commonly share sexy pics on snapchat, flirt and get flirted with during the day to build up tension, share sexual touches. We partner up and do these things to express desire, attraction and mutual validation of our partners attractiveness and sexual worthiness. These are some areas that, from my perspective, you do not seem as interested in. I feel sad about this. I may be misinterpreting, and it definitely provokes a long, compounded emotional response.

I want our sex life to be fun and adventurous and experimental, maybe in a way that is outside of what your interests/comforts are. I want you to trust me enough to let things happen that you aren’t expecting. I want to trust you enough to tell you what I want and feel like I have the right and expectation that you will do your best to make it happen. I want to go to swing clubs and see what they’re like. I want to play around with power structures with you. I want to have the ability to be both romantically sexual and dirty sexual, and I’m scared that you will be more into the vanilla stuff and we will not find compatibility and compromise.

I don’t really feel like the pattern we’re in allows me to do this. I don’t feel like I can be playful and direct and actually do the things that you talk about wanting to do. We talk about wanting to do things and then they don’t happen, and we just drop it. We talk about particular activities and then for whatever reason we don’t follow through. I feel sad and rejected and powerless to adjust this pattern. It seems sometimes like each of us is sometimes more interested in talking about wanting to do things than actually doing them.

My sex life with you can sometimes feel like a scary space with unclear intent and rules and boundaries and interests and comfort levels where intent is not followed by action, where a welcome touch one moment can lead to feeling tickled to the point of me needing to move away, or to the point of discomfort being communicated. I am aware that a lot of this is reflex and not a personal attack. I need to make you aware that even though I understand this, it still affects me.

I don’t really know what you mean when you talk about attraction as being different after being together so long. I’m worried it means you aren’t sexually attracted to me. I am still very much into you in that way. I still desire your touch. I still see you and get excited. I’m scared that it’s not the same for you. I don’t know what I can do about this, if there’s anything that I CAN do.

Maybe you just aren’t interested in sex in the same way that I am. Maybe you are and it hasn’t been communicated. I’m not sure. I do think that there are some fundamental differences that exist and some ways in which we haven’t acknowledged what we each want. I also think there are ways in which we could both be open to trying things outside of our comfort zone, be it specific activities or being more proactive in asking for what we want.

I am invested in figuring this out. I think maybe the elephant in the room that we don’t talk about in therapy isn’t that we aren’t having sex, it’s that sex serves two different functions for each of us and neither of us are clear on what this means for how we can be good partners for each other and how we can’t. I, for one, would like to begin to take a look and unpack this both together and in therapy so that we can adjust each of our expectations appropriately for the moment. I do not mean this to sound defeated or like I’m just trying to salvage what is possible to salvage. I am doing my best to look at this aspect of our relationship for what it is and meet each other where we are and then build outward.

These are my messy and jumbled thoughts and feelings, the product of a lot of thinking and late-night writing. Please be gentle with how you choose to respond.

xox

Jeremy

Written by admin

July 13th, 2016 at 5:32 pm

Posted in Kate

Direct Communication Letter

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What I wanted to say is this.  I think when we have these conversations, I hear you express fear that saying things that you think will be difficult for me will lead me to be angry or sad and therefore you are scared to say them and that’s why you don’t.  I understand your perspective on this.

I think that we have to, HAVE to be okay with saying the things we are scared to, and learn how to say them to each other in a way that is compassionate, direct and kind. we are each responsible for our own emotions and also for being aware of each others triggers and deliver information in a useful way.  It seems like you feel (and correct me if i’m wrong) that there is no space to share information that you determine will cause emotional distress.  I do think that we have not yet done a great job of normalizing this.  I cannot overstate how important it is that we figure out a way to do this.

I think also that part of the problem is that this tends to be framed as “I have all this stuff to tell you that will hurt you so i don’t tell you” so I end up in a position where I’m arguing that you should hurt me, which is like… not a fair place for me to be.  What I actually want to say around this is that we both must be direct with each other about things we are thinking and feeling in as close to real time as possible and be clear on the ways both to hear and to say them so that the other person can hear and respond in a productive way, rather than feeling attacked or blamed.

Obviously this is not a thing with a  100% success rate, but if we keep talking about “i have all this shitty stuff that i can’t say to you because you are going to get really angry and i feel sad about it” then all it does is put me in a place where if i argue that you should say stuff more and then you say a thing and I react in an emotional way, or if I actually feel hurt by what you say, then it will be used as evidence that you should not have been direct with me in the first place, which is really shitty manipulation (and yes of course I realize that you are not consciously intending it to be this.  This is the effect it is having.)   I grant you permission and encourage you to be both kind and direct when sharing your feelings and thoughts about whatever you like.  I do not grant you permission to have that sharing be contingent on me only being able to respond in a certain way in order to not indirectly justify your lack of sharing.

I know you think you are sparing me emotional distress.  I want to dissuade you of this.  I do not want to have a no-conflict relationship.  I have felt off and on for a long time that there has been a tone and situation where a lot of day-to-day conflict was off limits or unsafe and to be avoided, and if I say a potentially conflict-y thing, I am accused of being mean to you or picking on you or hurtful.

Even typing this, I am anticipating that reaction and trying to figure out ways to soften what I am saying to make it more likely that you will take it in the spirit in which it is intended.  I am aware that some of this is my own stuff.

A no-conflict relationship is both impossible and creates its own silent resentment which is significantly more toxic than a relationship with uncomfortable conversations and sometime-hurt-feelings.  I don’t think either of us want this.  You said you don’t want a companionate relationship. I think “no-conflict” is another word for this, or at least that it is a symptom.

So, what I think needs to happen is that we need to have some serious talk about how to create a safe space for what we perceive to be difficult information. What words to use, the setting, the frequency.  We also need to talk about the assumptions that either of us make regarding how we think the other person will take information and how much weight we give that assumption when deciding whether to actually say the thing or not.  I think that we both use that process as a way to avoid conflict and it needs to stop.

I do think that these behaviors make it more difficult to share good things, or gratitude or appreciation or genuinely positive. When we both pull toward “Fine” or “conflict-free” in different amounts or in different ways, then it creates a shallowness to the relationship in all but the most vulnerable of situations (like right before bed or sometimes when driving).  It pulls everything toward the middle for the sake of not having things be ‘below the line’.  I do not want this to be what our relationship is. This does not feel safer to me or better to me.  This feels emptier and less fulfilling.

I appreciate so much when you are open and honest with me.  I appreciate so much when you share your thought process. I appreciate so much when you are able to give me feedback with the goal of improving your experience in the relationship.  I appreciate so much your continued willingness to come to couples therapy and sit in difficult conversations.  I appreciate so much your willingness to read what I have to say and really take it in.

My aim is not to place blame or threaten or even to encourage you to say things you feel will be hurtful to me in a hurtful way for the sake of having said them.  I don’t think that the only two options are to be hurtful or to say nothing. It is possible to be both direct and kind.  We can teach each other what that means for each of us. We are teaching each other.

All my love always

-momo

Written by admin

June 30th, 2016 at 4:21 pm

Posted in Kate

Sex Journal

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What I heard

  • You feel like it is ‘all your fault’ and you should be ‘blamed’
  • You also feel like I am not ‘taking’ any of the ‘blame’ but are unable to identify what specifically you are looking at.
  • You feel that the open relationship may be a thing that is causing difficulty, but not (as some would assume) because you think/fear that I am going to leave you
  • You worry about being judged in the bedroom.
  • You think that mediocre sex is better than no sex, but also

why I feel angry

what’s next

I am glad that you were uncomfortable and unsettled because maybe that will lead to some futher investigation. I feel sad that you are hurting. One of the things that I am working on is internalizing that it is not my job to keep you comfortable, especially when it is at the cost of me expressing my needs or the health of the relationship. I love you and us too much to continue in that role, in the areas in which I have been.

It IS my job to support and cheer you on as you do hard work, and it is your job to do that for me.

Written by admin

May 9th, 2016 at 10:12 pm

Posted in Kate

Assertiveness Ramble to Rachel

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I think that we are both aware of those things, and I’m trying to be even more effusive, especially after hearing some of the specific challenges Kate has around feeling like she doesn’t deserve nice things and that our relationship is somehow ‘less than’ because she doesn’t deserve someone as committed to her as other people have (a premise that i disagree with but can see how it would seem valid from her perspective).

I am also trying to be more assertive in our sessions. Sometimes i feel like only Kate’s difficulty with stuff gets out there and then we spend time talking about how to make it okay for her.

I’m also working both in with you and out on not taking responsibility/burden for her challenges around our relationship.  Not to be cold or callous but just to be like… if she says that there isn’t anything in particular that i can do to help (whether thats true or whether there is but she doesnt want to say or feels unable to say) then all i can do is live my life and be compassionate that sometimes things will be difficult for her and i am here if she wants to talk or whatever.

On some level (or really all levels), it’s her responsibility to work through a lot of the stuff that gets brought up is on her and my role is to be supportive and keep her in mind when acting.  This is a real struggle for me to be like “i am living my life and there are aspects of it that cause discomfort in my partner, but that doesn’t mean that I should necessarily change my behavior just so my partner never has to feel discomfort. It feels like a really tricky balancing act and sometimes like i’ve been weighting things super far in the other direction, especially given her anxious brain’s occasionally disproportionate emotional reaction to things.  It’s difficult to not feel like shit for that position.  It is better for her to own her own shit though, even if it seems difficult for her and much simpler to put it on me.

Anyway, that’s my rambling for the moment.

j

Written by admin

October 2nd, 2015 at 3:56 pm

Posted in Kate

kate letter to me

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i feel kind of sick about our conversation last night. i have so many feelings swirling around my head right now that it’s hard to get them organized into something relatively coherent.

i think that sometimes in these situations, people want to look for one huge obvious problem, but in my heart i know that it’s a fairly mundane “combination of things” that has affected my chemistry with you. and part of me has been trying to compile stuff that’s on you, but the truth is that it’s mostly on me. it’s mostly on me that i haven’t been communicating my wants and needs. it’s on me that i haven’t been initiating. i’m not sure why. i know that it’s never been my strongpoint, but for some reason it feels so intimidating for me. i think that one of the reasons it’s intimidating is that it feels like your sexuality is a huge part of who you are. i’m just a different kind of person and sometimes i feel like if i’m not like you, i’m wrong. (that’s not a criticism of you, just how i sometimes feel)
i guess i feel this weird sense of competitiveness about it where it’s like, if i can’t “win” i just give up/opt out/get frustrated/feel bad because i’m letting you down. it feels deeply unsexy to me to have to microanalyze every touch. kissing has gotten ridiculous. i’m reluctant to do anything because i’m expecting criticism. not only is it difficult for me to hear feedback, it’s almost worse to give it. it feels like the magic has just dissipated. i do still feel magic in other parts of our relationship, i just feel like our sexual relationship isn’t a natural extension of that. it feels clinical and it hurts so bad to know that you apparently have this amazing natural chemistry with other people and with me it’s just not there.
my therapist asked me last week if i thought i was depressed. i guess i don’t *feel* depressed. i don’t think there’s an obvious reason why i would be. there are lots of things in my life that make me happy. on the other hand, there’s a lot that i push down. there are a lot of ways in which i feel like a fraud and afraid of everything and like i can never truly relax. there are ways that i’m really mad at you but i can’t express it. there are ways that i have a lot of self hatred and i don’t understand why i feel this way despite two different kinds of therapy.

Kate Farina
 
347 306 7954

Written by admin

February 16th, 2015 at 4:24 pm

Posted in Kate

Sexy Kate Story

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We were making out and then i pushed her on her stomach and kissed and licked and bit her back, and spanked her ass hard while i did it….made it hurt just enough. Then spent some time squeezing and biting her ass. I love biting her ass. Then i spread her cheeks and played with her hole a little, alternating with slaps on her ass… biting and then finally getting down and licking her pretty pink butthole, dragging my nails down her back. Then i took my boxers off and rubbed my cock against her…kissed my way back up and whispered that she was about to get her pretty ass split open. she loves when i whisper to her…by this time she couldn’t really talk, was just moaning all animal-like. So i grabbed the lube from the nightstand and put some on my cock and against her hole, pushed in with my finger to get it all nice and slippery. Then wrapped my arms around her, pressed the head of my cock against her tight opening, and pushed in slow while she whimpered. And started pounding away slow and hard. She was animal moaning at this point, telling me to fuck her harder, so i did…biting her neck, wailing away, then finally thrust all the way inside and filled her ass up with my cum.

Then we snuggled and fell asleep.

Written by admin

October 5th, 2013 at 10:30 pm

Posted in Kate

musings on being alone

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when i’m alone without kate, sometimes i get worried that we are not as good of a match as we seem to think we are.  sometimes i feel like i’ve outpaced her in terms of personal growth and wanting to try new things, and she’s more of a weight keeping me from doing those thing sbecause of her anxiety-as-default-response thing.  this scares me a lot a lot.

 

i do realize that we end up talking about this in therapy, it just sometimes comes up that we might be too different ot have this work and have us both be happy.  I also realize that every time i seem to feel that way, kate surprises me.  I just really hate tsome parts of our relationship that seem like i’m dragging her along and that she really just wants to be comfortable and safe and taken care of, and while all those things are great, they cannot be the only thing.

I think the truth of it is that i’m bored and fidgety. i love her a lot, and maybe this isn’t just about my relationship.  but it is something that keeps coming up.

scary things.

 

 

Written by admin

June 6th, 2013 at 12:19 am

Posted in Kate

Reflections on relationship

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I feel sick to my stonach and betrayed

I dont want to lose her

has she been avoiding physical intimacy with me for so long?

What does this mean

Can we still make it work?

I want to

I’m really scared.

Why won’t the tears come?

We need to be talking more.

I feel really hurt. I dont want my relationship to be without passion

I don’t want to turn into her parents, who dont even hold hands

What is going on

Do i believe we can fix it?

We hvae to

There is no other option

I must not listen to my thoughts, the pattern recognition is often pattern creation. I look, i find.

We need to reaffirm our commitment to each other.

I can’t go back over the chat log It’s pain porn.

Things are not really different from yesterday except that shes been more honest with me about some things. The feelings are still there.

I thought this was not going to happen with this relationship.

I guess it is always something.

We WILL figure it out.

We may need help.

I’m really scared.

I still want to be here.

Can continue to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be physically intimate with me?

Is that the actual question? Are those the circumstances? Is that true? What’s really going on? What has my role been in this? What needs to change?

We need to be talking about this more.

And getting more sleep

We can move forward

Why is my brain telling me that this is it?

Just because you think it, doesn’t make it true.

It is not for me to fill in the blanks. Brain will fill in blanks with scary stuff that isn’t real.

And yet still i feel dark. It will pass. No decisions today. Just take it slowly and rebuild better and stronger.

 

Written by admin

November 29th, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Posted in Kate