sdcjournal

So Kate had a second date with the guy she went out with on Saturday night, a dinner at his house. They ended up having sex. I was over at Katie’s and Kate was supposed to pick me up after her date, but it got to be around 2am and i hadn’t heard from her, until i texted and she finally responded and said she would leave to come get me.  She was really nervous about telling me what had happened, but walked me through the date and the sex that they had and how she felt about it (she felt okay, he was nice and respectful, she had fun, she was scared about how i would react even though she knew it was okay for her to do that)

I’m not sure I knew how I would react, though I mean, i have been encouraging her to go and have experiences and stuff.   I feel overwhelmed and pretty triggered at the moment.  Mostly I feel kind of blindsided because this had gone from a presumably mono/poly relationship (in practice if not in theory) over the course of two weeks to Kate fucking a new guy for the first time since we started dating.  At this moment I feel dysregulated and anxious and like some trauma has been triggered.  I’ve been doing some thinking and I think what’s happening (beyond us not having talked about it) to cause this much of a visceral reaction in me is that it possibly touched a trigger around my having been cheated on in the past. it’s kind of bringing up similar emotions?  At the same time, I am aware that this is because its very new and I haven’t had time to adjust and that there are many positives that can come from this door opening.  I think also maybe I’m mourning the end of the old chapter of where our relationship was?

Now, conceptually of course I don’t have an issue with this (and i’m kinda beating myself up about it because hypocrisy), and I’m glad she got to try a new thing and have an experience with someone who seems like a good guy that apparently she’s been chatting with for over a month but didn’t mention? (not that she’s obligated to mention, and not that i mention everyone that i connect with to her). i don’t feel like…. jealous or whatever? it’s just that it kinda went from 0 to 100 really quick after nothing happening for years and I feel really unprepared to process the huge change in the dynamic of our relationship.

We’ve been talking about it a lot and stuff.  I’m noticing when i’m in my “reassure the other person that i’m not upset and its okay and nothing is wrong” mode and when i’m in a “let me be a source of advice and validation for you” mode as opposed to actually being able to be present and say “this feels very uncomfortable and upsetting for me even though I don’t believe you did anything out of bounds”.  I was able to communicate that I really wish that we’d had a conversation when she was considering actually going out on dates with people to set some expectations for both of us and for me to better prepare myself and what might come up for me.

I think she was operating under the assumption that I would like to be notified in the way that I let her know when i’m going on dates or whatever, at this point, like no big deal. I was able to communicate that though it’s old hat for her to have me going out for whatever, for me it’s a huge shift and very difficult, and asked her to remember how she felt when i first started dating. not that it’s 1:1 but it’s not as vastly different as she might have assume.  She’s had a decade to adjust and normalize and I have had basically zero time. Which she took responsibility and apologized for.

We went out for dinner last night and kept talking and she was saying how this is kind of a pattern for her, how on second dates she’ll behave ‘out of character’ or ‘extra slutty’ or whatever and that she doesn’t feel great about what happened and how it happened (though it was obviously a consensual experience) but that it felt informative for her.   I’ve talked about how I feel about it and basically that i’m proud of her for doing a thing outside her comfort zone and also that i feel really overwhelmed and like its a lot for me to process.  At the same time, i’m still processing my mom dying, the will drama, and potentially some other relationships transitioning away from physical/romantic. So its a big thing on top of a lot of other big things.

An additional complicating factor is how little sex Kate and I generally have.  In our most recent conversation about that, she has shared specifically that there’s so much baggage between us about our sex life that she feels like her anxiety prevents her from being present in her body very much, and that instead she’s always monitoring me for whether i’m happy with whats happening or whether she’s responding in a way that I want or whether she’s “doing something wrong”, so more often than not over the last years, my attempts to initiate will be rejected, and if we do play, i can see her get up in her head at some point and the fun stops and at least part of the time there are tears.  Which sucks because it both prevents us from having sex play and also its somehow because of me, even though I have no agency around it and can’t really do anything about it?  It gets me in my head like “”ok so Kate can’t enjoy sex because she’s taking responsibility for my enjoying it, so i then have to be either hyper-vigilant about not showing anything but pure positivity or it will all stop and it will be because of me but not really because it will be because of Kate’s assumptions about how I’m doing that then spiral. So it’s a thing that is about me but not anything I have any agency to change or adjust because its happening in her head”.

We’ve also had conversations about us both being more verbally communicative during sex, both for giving instructions and feedback, and she has said that it’s hard for her because she’s basically already trying to stay out of her head and when i ask for feedback like that it just makes her feel like she has yet another task to keep track of and juggle while having sex”  So the combination of those things really leaves me no room for anything but waiting for it to go south?

I’m trying to treat these as separate things rather than intertwine them because that seems like it would be way less useful.

I’m so confused as to the boundaries right now. What is appropriate to share with her about how i’m processing? What is too much? What responsibility do each of us have toward the others comfort? I guess that’s between the two of us.  I’m trying to check in with her about how much she wants to hear about where i am with processing everything, and may be overexplaining and caretaking “this brought up feelings about being cheated on, and i know thats not whats happening and not something for you to take on”.  And also I think that I have an assumption that her brain is going to use stuff i say to beat herself up with, which is not necessarily the case.


Anyway, I don’t actually think my relationship is in danger or that these things are unresolvable or anything, so that’s something I can look to for comfort at least. Just ouch.


Anyway that’s what’s been happening on that front.


j

— 
Jeremy Meyers
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So, what’s your story?

* Was explaining the boundaries thing to kate in terms of when i have a thing to say that i think might be uncomfortable for her, i just dont say it and let it fester, heard myself immediately saying “but thats not because of anything you did or are doing” and then got really verbally mad at myself … “I can’t even talk about wanting to talk about things without pre-emptively dropping it to spend emotional labor to ensure your comfort”

* Ended it with saying that i feel like my having needs is something I need to protect people from.

so currently im not allowed to cum without permission from one of a few people and they are figuring out a schedule and/or ways i can earn it denial and stuff is super hot for me in addition, I’ve been instructed to edge regularly and also Kate has been edging me before bed and take pics/vids (which as always you are welcome to) and some other stuff that’s not specific to the story which i can share if you want

anyway, last night i got teased and blown out on the balcony by Kate. and told not to cum . and then licked my precum off her face. and fingered her for awhile. after which she sent me inside and told me i was a good boy for obeying doing her bj. it was dark but people could probably have seen if they were looking .

i wanted to get face rides but she’d walked a few miles home and felt self conscious about it. which would not stop me (especially in the framework of being made to do stuff. not that i ever need to be made to eat pussy generally or hers in particular) but whatever. and she said she likes sucking my cock in public maybe more than in private so I asked about maybe at a swing club or in front of people we know or in front of people we know (which would include the other people who decide if and when i get to cum), which she was not opposed to.

So yeah, super hot and exciting implications and so nice to get to explore and hear about a thing she realizes she’s into that might not have come (heh) up previously.

Hi

I’m tired.

I’m tired of having sex with you once a year.

I’m tired of having it explained to me over and over in dozens of different ways why it is difficult for you. As a woman. As a person living in a sex-negative culture. As a person with anxiety.

I’m tired of wanting you and having that desire cause panic attacks.

I’m tired of thinking that things might get better if only we talked more.

I’m tired of having the dynamic feel like I’m the bad guy or the aggressor by wanting to touch you and be passionate with you.

I’m tired of my attempts at spontaneity being responded to with rejection or discomfort.

I’m tired of being lectured as to why you’re uncomfortable.

I’m tired of feeling like an asshole for wanting to fuck you more than annually, and more than occasionally getting to go down on you.

I’m tired of not having gotten a blowjob from you for three years.

I’m tired of feeling like a bad person for not being more patient, or like I’m being unreasonable. I’m tired of feeling guilty. I’m tired of beating myself up for not being more compassionate.

I’m tired of not knowing what to do. I’m tired of being upset. I’m tired of the conversations. I’m tired of not being able to talk to you about it. I’m tired of talking about it and things not changing. I’m tired of internalizing. I’m tired of thinking that its counterproductive to get angry about wanting to do more of something that doesn’t really coexist with anger. I’m tired of feeling unkind, when I’ve been kind for so long about this.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know the real reason. I’m tired of hoping you’ll work it out in therapy. I’m tired of wondering if we should go back to couples therapy.

I’m tired of shouldering more than my share of this burden. I’m tired of crying about it while you’re away. I’m tired of hearing things like “This is just how it is in long term relationships”. I’m tired of worrying about talking to you about how I feel. I’m tired of worrying about your rebuttals. I’m tired of toning down my upset so you don’t think i’m a monster. I’m tired of feeling that sharing my upset will do nothing but make you feel shitty.

I’m tired of feeling like there is no solution.

I’m tired of waiting.

I’m tired of hurting.

I’m tired.

I love you and I’m so tired and I needed you to know because I don’t want to continue to go on like this.

As you know, this was very difficult for me to get out. To initially put your mind at ease, there are no major bombshells in this text and no breakup-level conclusions.

With that out of the way…

I have been thinking about my relationship with our sex life. You said when we first opened our relationship that you were scared that I would be “outsourcing” my sexual needs. It wasn’t intentional, but there is a way in which that has happened, in some respects. That was not my intent and I apologize.

In order to begin to address this, I think it’s important for me to share more directly some of my thoughts and feelings about my own sexual expression and how it relates to our life together in the hopes that the information can be useful. I hope that this helps you and I figure out how to fix the ways in which we go about approaching each other, making ourselves available for and guiding ourselves and each other through regular satisfying sexual encounters with each other.

Here’s some context. Throughout my life, sex and sexual validation has been a space that I’ve gone to for reasons other than just arousal. It is a space where I can feel validated and seen and feel like I’m worth something through another person’s eyes. It is a space where I can feel like people want me around, and where I can be useful. It is a space that can be a manifestation of my desire to please and aid and give pleasure to the people I care about. It is also an area where it is distinctly uncomfortable to focus on verbalizing my own wants for pleasure or satisfaction. There is an element of it that I would define as submissive or bottom-y. It has a specific energy. It is probably related to my challenges with asserting my needs.

These needs and desires express themselves in many areas that are not uncommon. On my own, there’s webcamming, flirting with people, casual dating. They scratch the itch.

Lately (and especially since the breakup with Jess), another way I’ve found to scratch the itch is to explore these energies in a more explicitly Domme/sub situation with a new friend. She’s been texting me specific demands (relatively innocuous ones, mostly around pictures and video and fantasy), and I am to fulfill them immediately. She is also sharing my number (and a password) with a select group of her fun pervy friends with similar interests and I am to fulfill their requests as well. It feels powerful to be desired and to have my existence and behaviors serve their pleasure in specific ways.

I don’t have any particular attachment to this person (though she seems cool otherwise), this is not the only thing that turns me on (and I don’t think that it would be a turn on if it were more on the sadistic scale), this is not Who I Am particularly. However, getting to explore this side of me is definitely A Thing That Turns Me On, and I am grateful for the opportunity to see what it’s like. I also feel sad and frustrated that it seems to me like it would be very challenging for me to come to you with a request like this and be able to try it. That may be a self-fulfilling prophecy, I’m not sure.

Within a relationship, I think people will commonly share sexy pics on snapchat, flirt and get flirted with during the day to build up tension, share sexual touches. We partner up and do these things to express desire, attraction and mutual validation of our partners attractiveness and sexual worthiness. These are some areas that, from my perspective, you do not seem as interested in. I feel sad about this. I may be misinterpreting, and it definitely provokes a long, compounded emotional response.

I want our sex life to be fun and adventurous and experimental, maybe in a way that is outside of what your interests/comforts are. I want you to trust me enough to let things happen that you aren’t expecting. I want to trust you enough to tell you what I want and feel like I have the right and expectation that you will do your best to make it happen. I want to go to swing clubs and see what they’re like. I want to play around with power structures with you. I want to have the ability to be both romantically sexual and dirty sexual, and I’m scared that you will be more into the vanilla stuff and we will not find compatibility and compromise.

I don’t really feel like the pattern we’re in allows me to do this. I don’t feel like I can be playful and direct and actually do the things that you talk about wanting to do. We talk about wanting to do things and then they don’t happen, and we just drop it. We talk about particular activities and then for whatever reason we don’t follow through. I feel sad and rejected and powerless to adjust this pattern. It seems sometimes like each of us is sometimes more interested in talking about wanting to do things than actually doing them.

My sex life with you can sometimes feel like a scary space with unclear intent and rules and boundaries and interests and comfort levels where intent is not followed by action, where a welcome touch one moment can lead to feeling tickled to the point of me needing to move away, or to the point of discomfort being communicated. I am aware that a lot of this is reflex and not a personal attack. I need to make you aware that even though I understand this, it still affects me.

I don’t really know what you mean when you talk about attraction as being different after being together so long. I’m worried it means you aren’t sexually attracted to me. I am still very much into you in that way. I still desire your touch. I still see you and get excited. I’m scared that it’s not the same for you. I don’t know what I can do about this, if there’s anything that I CAN do.

Maybe you just aren’t interested in sex in the same way that I am. Maybe you are and it hasn’t been communicated. I’m not sure. I do think that there are some fundamental differences that exist and some ways in which we haven’t acknowledged what we each want. I also think there are ways in which we could both be open to trying things outside of our comfort zone, be it specific activities or being more proactive in asking for what we want.

I am invested in figuring this out. I think maybe the elephant in the room that we don’t talk about in therapy isn’t that we aren’t having sex, it’s that sex serves two different functions for each of us and neither of us are clear on what this means for how we can be good partners for each other and how we can’t. I, for one, would like to begin to take a look and unpack this both together and in therapy so that we can adjust each of our expectations appropriately for the moment. I do not mean this to sound defeated or like I’m just trying to salvage what is possible to salvage. I am doing my best to look at this aspect of our relationship for what it is and meet each other where we are and then build outward.

These are my messy and jumbled thoughts and feelings, the product of a lot of thinking and late-night writing. Please be gentle with how you choose to respond.

xox

Jeremy

What I wanted to say is this.  I think when we have these conversations, I hear you express fear that saying things that you think will be difficult for me will lead me to be angry or sad and therefore you are scared to say them and that’s why you don’t.  I understand your perspective on this.

I think that we have to, HAVE to be okay with saying the things we are scared to, and learn how to say them to each other in a way that is compassionate, direct and kind. we are each responsible for our own emotions and also for being aware of each others triggers and deliver information in a useful way.  It seems like you feel (and correct me if i’m wrong) that there is no space to share information that you determine will cause emotional distress.  I do think that we have not yet done a great job of normalizing this.  I cannot overstate how important it is that we figure out a way to do this.

I think also that part of the problem is that this tends to be framed as “I have all this stuff to tell you that will hurt you so i don’t tell you” so I end up in a position where I’m arguing that you should hurt me, which is like… not a fair place for me to be.  What I actually want to say around this is that we both must be direct with each other about things we are thinking and feeling in as close to real time as possible and be clear on the ways both to hear and to say them so that the other person can hear and respond in a productive way, rather than feeling attacked or blamed.

Obviously this is not a thing with a  100% success rate, but if we keep talking about “i have all this shitty stuff that i can’t say to you because you are going to get really angry and i feel sad about it” then all it does is put me in a place where if i argue that you should say stuff more and then you say a thing and I react in an emotional way, or if I actually feel hurt by what you say, then it will be used as evidence that you should not have been direct with me in the first place, which is really shitty manipulation (and yes of course I realize that you are not consciously intending it to be this.  This is the effect it is having.)   I grant you permission and encourage you to be both kind and direct when sharing your feelings and thoughts about whatever you like.  I do not grant you permission to have that sharing be contingent on me only being able to respond in a certain way in order to not indirectly justify your lack of sharing.

I know you think you are sparing me emotional distress.  I want to dissuade you of this.  I do not want to have a no-conflict relationship.  I have felt off and on for a long time that there has been a tone and situation where a lot of day-to-day conflict was off limits or unsafe and to be avoided, and if I say a potentially conflict-y thing, I am accused of being mean to you or picking on you or hurtful.

Even typing this, I am anticipating that reaction and trying to figure out ways to soften what I am saying to make it more likely that you will take it in the spirit in which it is intended.  I am aware that some of this is my own stuff.

A no-conflict relationship is both impossible and creates its own silent resentment which is significantly more toxic than a relationship with uncomfortable conversations and sometime-hurt-feelings.  I don’t think either of us want this.  You said you don’t want a companionate relationship. I think “no-conflict” is another word for this, or at least that it is a symptom.

So, what I think needs to happen is that we need to have some serious talk about how to create a safe space for what we perceive to be difficult information. What words to use, the setting, the frequency.  We also need to talk about the assumptions that either of us make regarding how we think the other person will take information and how much weight we give that assumption when deciding whether to actually say the thing or not.  I think that we both use that process as a way to avoid conflict and it needs to stop.

I do think that these behaviors make it more difficult to share good things, or gratitude or appreciation or genuinely positive. When we both pull toward “Fine” or “conflict-free” in different amounts or in different ways, then it creates a shallowness to the relationship in all but the most vulnerable of situations (like right before bed or sometimes when driving).  It pulls everything toward the middle for the sake of not having things be ‘below the line’.  I do not want this to be what our relationship is. This does not feel safer to me or better to me.  This feels emptier and less fulfilling.

I appreciate so much when you are open and honest with me.  I appreciate so much when you share your thought process. I appreciate so much when you are able to give me feedback with the goal of improving your experience in the relationship.  I appreciate so much your continued willingness to come to couples therapy and sit in difficult conversations.  I appreciate so much your willingness to read what I have to say and really take it in.

My aim is not to place blame or threaten or even to encourage you to say things you feel will be hurtful to me in a hurtful way for the sake of having said them.  I don’t think that the only two options are to be hurtful or to say nothing. It is possible to be both direct and kind.  We can teach each other what that means for each of us. We are teaching each other.

All my love always

-momo

What I heard

• You feel like it is ‘all your fault’ and you should be ‘blamed’
• You also feel like I am not ‘taking’ any of the ‘blame’ but are unable to identify what specifically you are looking at.
• You feel that the open relationship may be a thing that is causing difficulty, but not (as some would assume) because you think/fear that I am going to leave you
• You worry about being judged in the bedroom.
• You think that mediocre sex is better than no sex, but also

why I feel angry

what’s next

I am glad that you were uncomfortable and unsettled because maybe that will lead to some futher investigation. I feel sad that you are hurting. One of the things that I am working on is internalizing that it is not my job to keep you comfortable, especially when it is at the cost of me expressing my needs or the health of the relationship. I love you and us too much to continue in that role, in the areas in which I have been.

It IS my job to support and cheer you on as you do hard work, and it is your job to do that for me.

I think that we are both aware of those things, and I’m trying to be even more effusive, especially after hearing some of the specific challenges Kate has around feeling like she doesn’t deserve nice things and that our relationship is somehow ‘less than’ because she doesn’t deserve someone as committed to her as other people have (a premise that i disagree with but can see how it would seem valid from her perspective).

I am also trying to be more assertive in our sessions. Sometimes i feel like only Kate’s difficulty with stuff gets out there and then we spend time talking about how to make it okay for her.

I’m also working both in with you and out on not taking responsibility/burden for her challenges around our relationship.  Not to be cold or callous but just to be like… if she says that there isn’t anything in particular that i can do to help (whether thats true or whether there is but she doesnt want to say or feels unable to say) then all i can do is live my life and be compassionate that sometimes things will be difficult for her and i am here if she wants to talk or whatever.

On some level (or really all levels), it’s her responsibility to work through a lot of the stuff that gets brought up is on her and my role is to be supportive and keep her in mind when acting.  This is a real struggle for me to be like “i am living my life and there are aspects of it that cause discomfort in my partner, but that doesn’t mean that I should necessarily change my behavior just so my partner never has to feel discomfort. It feels like a really tricky balancing act and sometimes like i’ve been weighting things super far in the other direction, especially given her anxious brain’s occasionally disproportionate emotional reaction to things.  It’s difficult to not feel like shit for that position.  It is better for her to own her own shit though, even if it seems difficult for her and much simpler to put it on me.

Anyway, that’s my rambling for the moment.

j

We were making out and then i pushed her on her stomach and kissed and licked and bit her back, and spanked her ass hard while i did it….made it hurt just enough. Then spent some time squeezing and biting her ass. I love biting her ass. Then i spread her cheeks and played with her hole a little, alternating with slaps on her ass… biting and then finally getting down and licking her pretty pink butthole, dragging my nails down her back. Then i took my boxers off and rubbed my cock against her…kissed my way back up and whispered that she was about to get her pretty ass split open. she loves when i whisper to her…by this time she couldn’t really talk, was just moaning all animal-like. So i grabbed the lube from the nightstand and put some on my cock and against her hole, pushed in with my finger to get it all nice and slippery. Then wrapped my arms around her, pressed the head of my cock against her tight opening, and pushed in slow while she whimpered. And started pounding away slow and hard. She was animal moaning at this point, telling me to fuck her harder, so i did…biting her neck, wailing away, then finally thrust all the way inside and filled her ass up with my cum.

Then we snuggled and fell asleep.