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Jeremy Meyers

i was all touching up on ya last night, you were having none of it.

 

10:26

Kate Farina

i was asleep!

or mostly asleep

10:26

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

10:27

Kate Farina

what time did you come to bed?

10:27

Jeremy Meyers

came and then left again

 

10:29

Kate Farina

ok i wasn’t sure. i thought maybe you left

10:34

Jeremy Meyers

yeah i did

to take care of business

 

10:37

Kate Farina

ok. sorry it was like 2 am and i had been sleepin for a bit

10:37

Jeremy Meyers

ok

11:03

Jeremy Meyers

meh

 

11:04

Kate Farina

 

11:05

Jeremy Meyers

frustrating.

 

11:06

Kate Farina

what is

11:06

Jeremy Meyers

a lot of things

 

11:06

Kate Farina

well of course it is frustrating when you put it that way

can we make time for cuddles and stuff

in bed

11:06

Jeremy Meyers

it just feels so broken

 

11:07

Kate Farina

what does

11:07

Jeremy Meyers

our physical passion for each other

 

11:07

Kate Farina

i don’t know what to do with “it just feels so broken”

11:08

Jeremy Meyers

you dont have to do anything with it

 

11:08

Kate Farina

i don’t have anything to do with our phsyical passion?

11:09

Jeremy Meyers

i dont know what to do with “i dont know what to do with”

 

11:09

Kate Farina

well it’s a pretty provocative statement

and i thought you don’t like “i just” statements

11:10

Jeremy Meyers

no

its that “i just wish that…” implies that the wish is something simple when its often something complicated.

 

11:13

Kate Farina

well having these kinds of conversations is part of why sex feels stressful to me

11:13

Jeremy Meyers

ok well then forget it

 

11:13

Kate Farina

because i feel like “this better go well or jeremy will say our passion is broken”

so i don’t know how to have open communication about it like thist

11:13

Jeremy Meyers

ok seriously forget i said anything

 

11:14

Kate Farina

it fucking HURTS when you throw bombs like that

and i’m PISSED AT YOU

11:14

Jeremy Meyers

i take it all back. everythings fine

 

11:14

Kate Farina

you make me feel like shit sometimes

i’m sorry. i’m just sick of this aspect of our relationship

i felt so close to you while we were in new york

and as soon as we got back stuff changed again

11:15

Jeremy Meyers

you went back to school and worked and then came home and worked and didn’t like sleeping and i was frustrated with my own life and here we are again.

 

11:17

Kate Farina

i love you so much, but sometimes this stuff is just so hard to deal with

11:17

Jeremy Meyers

yeah

 

11:18

Kate Farina

i’m sorry i blew up

11:18

Jeremy Meyers

thats fine

do what you need to do

but if i can’t bring it up lest it stress you out, and you dont bring it up other than to respond to me saying that its a lot of pressure for you, i dont know where that leaves us.

 

11:20

Kate Farina

i know. i get it

11:20

Jeremy Meyers

i dont think i’m being unreasonable and i’m not sure why you feel so much pressure to be perfect or whatever

 

11:20

Kate Farina

but “i feel like our physical relationship is broken” isn’t exactly a helpful place to start

11:20

Jeremy Meyers

thats not where its started. its every time we talka bout it for years now

i’m not sure how much responsibility i can take for or how helpful i can be in addressing that particular aspect of your baggage

 

11:21

Kate Farina

this isn’t just about my baggage

or your baggage

this is stuff that has been happening in this relationship

unique to this relationship

11:22

Jeremy Meyers

it comes from somewhere.

i’ve never asked you to live up to a particular standard, and yet you’re terrified of “not performing well enough for me”

that doesn’t come from me.

 

11:22

Kate Farina

but maybe it’s BECAUSE of stuff that happens in our relationship that i feel that way

maybe it’s because most of our conversations are about how bad our sex life is

11:24

Jeremy Meyers

ok well i take it back then. but i dont know how to fix things without talking about them. it doens’t seem like not talking about things that are challenging makes them any better.

 

11:24

Kate Farina

we need to talk about negative stuff, yes. of course. but maybe we need to talk about positive stuff too

or give each other positive encouragement or feedback

11:25

Jeremy Meyers

are you kidding? i feel like we do that all the time

i’m constantly supportive of you

i help you with your homework, i listen to your stories

 

11:25

Kate Farina

i mean in sex stuff

11:25

Jeremy Meyers

and i’m happy to do it whenever i can

 

11:26

Kate Farina

specifically

we do that all the time except in our sex conversations

11:26

Jeremy Meyers

i try to involve you with my online flirting and stuff

 

11:27

Kate Farina

ok, that might do it for you, but maybe it doesn’t for me

in the same way

11:27

Jeremy Meyers

or at all

 

11:27

Kate Farina

i’m not saying “at all”

11:27

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

11:27

Kate Farina

and i’m not just talking about the act of flirting

i mean just in our conversations about our sex life

maybe we need to start with good things

11:29

Jeremy Meyers

 

11:30

Kate Farina

i mean, “i like when you ____. it was fun when we ______”

i say that we should make time to get into bed earlier and i get hit with “our physical intimacy is broken.”

11:34

Jeremy Meyers

it wasn’t a response to your suggestion

 

11:34

Kate Farina

it seemed that way

11:34

Jeremy Meyers

in any case i said ‘physical passion for each other’

two way street

not ‘you are messing up my sex life’

i dont even really know how you feel other than you hate when i bring it up

 

11:36

Kate Farina

then maybe ask how i feel without it being a lament about our sex life

i mean that sincerely  not snarky

11:38

Jeremy Meyers

 

11:38

Kate Farina

i guess that’s what i’m saying about not starting the conversation from a negative place

11:38

Jeremy Meyers

i feel like if i dont start it it would never get started

 

11:38

Kate Farina

if you don’t what?

11:38

Jeremy Meyers

and i don’t know how it became my issue

that you get hurt by

 

11:39

Kate Farina

what issue?

talking about it?

11:39

Jeremy Meyers

the state of our sex life

whatever it is

 

11:40

Kate Farina

it’s not “your” issue

11:40

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

11:40

Kate Farina

it’s our issue

11:40

Jeremy Meyers

feels like it

 

11:40

Kate Farina

are you kidding?

11:40

Jeremy Meyers

if i were you i’d be fucking pissed that you werent getting fucked more often. i’d be demanding it.

 

11:41

Kate Farina

you mean because of the prostate thing?

11:41

Jeremy Meyers

what?

 

11:42

Kate Farina

are you saying it’s your issue because of that?

i’m confused

11:42

Jeremy Meyers

no

because i bring it up

 

11:42

Kate Farina

no. i assume you bring it up because it is my issue

11:42

Jeremy Meyers

well maybe i should stop and see what happens

since i dont seem to be helping

 

11:43

Kate Farina

are you hearing me?

er…reading me?

i’m not saying that we shouldn’t talk about it

11:43

Jeremy Meyers

yes, you think i bring it up because i want to complain about you not putting out

or whatever, however you want to phrase it

 

11:43

Kate Farina

sometimes yeah

isn’t that kind of the truth?

11:44

Jeremy Meyers

if you dont want to fuck me, we can address that.

 

11:44

Kate Farina

you bring it up when you’re frustrated with me

right?

11:45

Jeremy Meyers

not just.

but i am often frustrated about that part

becuase it seems like you say you want to more than you actually want to

or  can bring yourself to act on

or respond to

even now that you’re off birth control

 

11:48

Kate Farina

i don’t think there’s one major reason

i think it’s a combination of things

which isn’t a satisfying answer

but i think it’s mostly about being stressed and busy…about feeling lonely…and being at a point in our relationship where things feel kind of stagnant

11:52

Jeremy Meyers

because we’re not married?

 

11:52

Kate Farina

no

i just mean being in a long term relationship

11:52

Jeremy Meyers

so your’e bored?

i mean, thats fine

 

11:52

Kate Farina

i don’t really know how to  do that, in terms of sex

11:53

Jeremy Meyers

i dont think the answer is to have less sex

 

11:53

Kate Farina

and i’m not saying i’m bored of you sexually. because i feel like we really have only begun to explore

11:53

Jeremy Meyers

or to do fewer new things

 

11:54

Kate Farina

there is stuff i want to say but it is hard

11:54

Jeremy Meyers

now or in general

 

11:54

Kate Farina

i don’t want to hurt you

11:54

Jeremy Meyers

i love being intimate with you but i dont really feel like you’ve been into me specifically sexually for awhile, as much as enjoying the opportunity to have sex when you can

 

11:55

Kate Farina

i do love being intimate with you too

11:55

Jeremy Meyers

and if thats true, then we need to address it one way or another

its hurting me when we just dont do it at all, too.

 

11:55

Kate Farina

but for a big chunk of our relationship (more so lately), i think you’ve been down or depressed or something along those lines

and sometimes you are the most loving, sweetest person

like this past weekend

and i wanted to jump your bones

but sometimes you just seem so down. and even though you might grab my butt or whatever, i just don’t feel that spark

11:57

Jeremy Meyers

so your’e saying i’m too sad and not ind enough of the time for you to want to have sex with me?

 

11:58

Kate Farina

it is not easy to explain

i’m trying

11:58

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

11:58

Kate Farina

i am crying in here ok?

11:59

Jeremy Meyers

we can change the subject

i just want to know whats really going on

 

11:59

Kate Farina

?

11:59

Jeremy Meyers

because i’ve felt pretty rejected a lot of the time

12:00

Thursday, November 29, 2012

 

12:00

Kate Farina

it just has not been that easy for me

it’s really hard to put into words

everything i say is sounding wrong

12:01

Jeremy Meyers

take your time

 

12:02

Kate Farina

i have watched you go through some difficult stuff

and there were/are some times when i’m frustrated that i just try to bury

sometimes you being depressed does affect my desire for you i guess

12:05

Jeremy Meyers

do you think i’m depressed now?

 

12:05

Kate Farina

yes

12:05

Jeremy Meyers

well you’re wrong

 

12:05

Kate Farina

sometimes

well i suggested that last year and you also said i was wrong

i’m not a therapist. i don’t know

12:06

Jeremy Meyers

no.

 

12:06

Kate Farina

but i do spend a lot of time around you

12:06

Jeremy Meyers

so i’m sad so you dont want to have sex

ok

 

12:06

Kate Farina

jeremy

you complain about me being defensive during these difficult conversation

s

12:07

Jeremy Meyers

i’m just trying to figure out whats really going on

you’ve seen me go through some difficult stuff, and my life is not where i want it to be, so you dont feel attracted to me because sometimes i’m sad

thats what i’m getting

tell me if i’m wrong

 

12:08

Kate Farina

it’s not a blanket thing

it’s not an if then statement or whatever

but i think it has been a factor

you treat me differently when your mood changes

which i get. that’s natural

12:09

Jeremy Meyers

everyone treats everyone differently when their mood changes

 

12:09

Kate Farina

yes i know

when you act all loving to me, it is a turn on

12:10

Jeremy Meyers

it can’t be the only turn-on. i always love you, i dont always feel shmoopy, and i dont always feel shmoopy when i’m also horny.

 

12:11

Kate Farina

i’m not saying it’s the only turn on

12:12

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

12:12

Kate Farina

just giving an example

12:12

Jeremy Meyers

brb

 

12:14

Kate Farina

i’m sorry. i don’t have a good sensible explanation

12:14

Jeremy Meyers

well maybe you could make me a list

so i know what to do

because it feels pretty broken to me right now.

 

12:14

Kate Farina

i know sometimes i really do desire you. sometimes i don’t feel it as strongly

12:15

Jeremy Meyers

and maybe trying to spare my feelings isn’t actually working how you want it to work

because it just makes me feel like you either dont want to have sex or you do but not with me or you do but not with me how we do it.

but you wont just say any of those things

 

12:15

Kate Farina

ps…data is o this episode of friends

12:15

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

12:16

Kate Farina

i am really reluctant to say some things, yes

12:16

Jeremy Meyers

has that ever worked in our relationship?

 

12:16

Kate Farina

because you might feel hurt

12:17

Jeremy Meyers

fuck it

then i’ll feel hurt

and i’ll yell and be pissed

i’d rather be pissed than feel nothing

or feel like theres nothing actually being communicated

other than you keeping your legs tightly together when i’m touching you

like you’re waiting for me to stop

i understand your’e stressed and super busy with school and we’re just getting settled. i just want to figure out what’s really going on

and it feels like you’re just not that interested

and if thats the case, then we need to figure something out

 

12:21

Kate Farina

well, to be fair, sometimes post-midnight is not exactly the best time for me

12:22

Jeremy Meyers

ah but thats my fault because you wait for me tos ay when we should go to bed because you dont like sleeping

for whatever reason

i’m trying to be kind here but i’m also pissed and frustrated and hurt

 

12:22

Kate Farina

STOP REPHRASING THINGS AS ME BLAMING YOU

12:23

Jeremy Meyers

then what

 

12:23

Kate Farina

the late night thing is my problem too

i love you. like, as much as one person can love another. but there have been some difficult times in the course of our relationship. maybe that has affected some stuff for me. maybe part of it is just being with one person for several years.

12:26

Jeremy Meyers

what do you mean specifically by ‘affected some stuff’

your feelings for me are not in question

 

12:26

Kate Farina

i don’t know. maybe i resent you

12:27

Jeremy Meyers

ok

for what

or why

 

12:27

Kate Farina

i hate this

12:28

Jeremy Meyers

just say what you want to say

would you rather talk than type?

 

12:28

Kate Farina

i’ll just cry

12:28

Jeremy Meyers

up to you

but if you resent me, thats a big thing

thats a poison

 

12:30

Kate Farina

i don’t know. i don’t really know if that’s true

i think i might have for awhile when we were still in new york

12:30

Jeremy Meyers

few things are more toxic to a relationship

if not that then what

hello?

 

12:36

Kate Farina

i don’t know what to type

i don’t feel like there’s a poison in our relationship

12:36

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

12:37

Kate Farina

but i just don’t feel like a fiery passion, at least not all of  the time

12:38

Jeremy Meyers

yes, thats what relationships do

 

12:38

Kate Farina

well how do people deal with it

12:38

Jeremy Meyers

they fuck more

and do different things

and make it a priority

and sometimes they cheat

and sometimes they bring another girl or guy home

once the initial crush + infatuation/novelty wears off and is replaced with bonding stuff then its less ‘fiery all the time’

real life comes in, and soon enough you’re washing each others underpants or whatever

i dont know, kate, i’ve never been in a relationship for more than a year, and that one shouldve ended after six months and she cheated on me constantly

but i do know that the solution to not feeling limerance anymore isn’t to pair rejecting me with trying to protect my feelings about it by not talking about it

unless you wantt o have a lot more conversations like this.

 

12:42

Kate Farina

sometimes i think about the first few month of our relationship and i get sad

12:43

Jeremy Meyers

nobody keeps having as much sex as they did in the first few months of their relationsip

ship

ask anyone you know

we hardly knew anything about each other other than we liked each other a lot and wanted to be naked all the time

thats brain chemicals

you know…the seven year itch/

 

12:45

Kate Farina

yeah

12:49

Jeremy Meyers

so you’re over it

or something

 

12:50

Kate Farina

i’m over it?

12:51

Jeremy Meyers

i dont knwo

 

12:51

Kate Farina

over our relationship?

i’m not over our relationship

12:51

Jeremy Meyers

i’m not sure how to interpret what you’re saying other than the implication that you’re kinda meh on the whole lust factor with me

 

12:52

Kate Farina

do you feel lust for me?

12:53

Jeremy Meyers

sometimes but its hard when it doesn’t feel like you’re particularly receptive to it

whether thats real or imagined

 

12:53

Kate Farina

well in weird way i feel that way too

except i get that you’re physically receptive

ok, i think you will take issue with me saying this, but i just feel like you’re sometimes in a bad mood

12:56

Jeremy Meyers

i am a person. i am sometimes in a bad mood

 

12:56

Kate Farina

yes but, to me, it seems like more than that

and i think it has affected our relationship, or how i relate to you

doesn’t mean i don’t love you

12:58

Jeremy Meyers

you, also, are sometimes in a bad mood. or a stressed mood. or a busy mood

if you want to be with someone who’se never in a bad mood, i could get some uppers

 

12:58

Kate Farina

yeah, but jeremy, you seriously don’t think that you’ve been down for a while?

12:59

Jeremy Meyers

down is different than depressed

 

12:59

Kate Farina

i’m not using the word depressed

at this point

12:59

Jeremy Meyers

i’ve been down because i’ve had nothing going on

other than oyu

you

 

12:59

Kate Farina

ok well that is a tricky situation for both of us

1:00

Jeremy Meyers

i understand if you want to pull away from me.

do you think all that we’ve gone through in our relationship is too much?

 

1:00

Kate Farina

it just seems like i get the silent/upset treatment fairly often

1:01

Jeremy Meyers

i never learned how to be mad at someone

because it didn’t make a difference

or i got my stuff broken

or hit

or yelled at right back

so i just STFU.

couples fight and then they make up. if you think you can find someone that you can have a relationship and never fight, then by all means.

 

1:02

Kate Farina

i’m not saying we should never fight

but when you shut me out, it hurts and i don’t know what to do and that’s when i get so pissed at you

it’s like you become a different person

1:03

Jeremy Meyers

no. i’m the same person but angry.

you have been a huge part of my social experience the last few years and here in a new place especially.  now you are spending all day at school and then you come home and do homework and then go to sleep. and then dont want to invite friends over because you see them all the time. can you see how it would make me lonely and hurt and resentful, even though i support you and you going to school?

 

1:04

Kate Farina

so you resent me now?

1:04

Jeremy Meyers

and then to basically not want to be physical with me because i’m too sad?

and because things arent how they used to be?

sometimes. but thats my fault for not having a more diverse life right now.

i get that my life doesn’t exist in a vacuum and that it affects you too

i just dont know what to do now.

 

1:08

Kate Farina

i guess this is a rough patch

1:08

Jeremy Meyers

i wish you would have said these things before.

rather than trying to protect me

that never works.

never.

 

1:09

Kate Farina

well i’m not good at being direct with people, especially with negative stuff

1:09

Jeremy Meyers

i’m not people.

 

1:11

Kate Farina

well

what should we do

1:11

Jeremy Meyers

i dont know.

 

1:12

Kate Farina

i love you. i don’t want this to ruin our relationship

1:12

Jeremy Meyers

ok

i dont either

we’ll have to fix it.

 

1:13

Kate Farina

o

k

1:14

Jeremy Meyers

i have no further wisdom

or anything, really

we’ll figure it out

we always do, dont we

 

1:18

Kate Farina

well it’s 1:18

i guess we have so far

1:18

Jeremy Meyers

or maybe i only thought we did

 

1:19

Kate Farina

we have made it through stuff that would have broken other people up

1:19

Jeremy Meyers

how do you feel?

 

1:19

Kate Farina

terrible

1:19

Jeremy Meyers

me too.

 

1:20

Kate Farina

this is why i don’t like to talk about difficult stuff

1:20

Jeremy Meyers

kate its not fucking better to keep it to yourself

 

1:20

Kate Farina

i’m not saying it is

i’m saying that this terrible feeling is probably why i do keep it in

1:21

Jeremy Meyers

if we’d been talking about it the whole time it wouldn’t have to have been a four hour fight

 

1:22

Kate Farina

or would it be a fight that went on for three years?

1:22

Jeremy Meyers

thats your mom talking.

sorry that wasn’t fair

i’d rather you bring stuff up and have it be a little difficult every once in awhile than keep it to yourself and have it be awful all at once.

 

1:24

Kate Farina

i know

1:25

Jeremy Meyers

not to pile on.

 

1:26

Kate Farina

i think i need to get some sleep

1:27

Jeremy Meyers

ok

i’ll be in shortly

if thats okay

 

1:37

Kate Farina

i can’t seem to get myself off the couch

1:37

Jeremy Meyers

that’s okay too

 

1:38

Kate Farina

can we hug?

1:38

Jeremy Meyers

i need a minute to finish something then of course

 

1:38

Kate Farina

i’m gonna brush my teeth

Written by admin

November 29th, 2012 at 11:03 am

Posted in Kate

Late night letter to kate

leave a comment

 

Ok, well I'm glad you told me in whatever way you feel comfortable. I
will leave it to you to work out your own stuff and you can let me
know if there's something I can do to help. I honestly don't feel any
pressure or resentment. That is something I worked on in therapy,
because for a long time I think I was too reliant on you making some
move that would get me out of my crappy situation. In the end, I
needed to do something for myself. And it's the same for you, I think.

Honestly, this frustrated me for a long time. It's hard to just want
someone to be happy, or feel fulfilled, and have that drawn out for
several years. Obviously that's not as hard as going through it
yourself. But I hope you believe me when I say that I just want you to
be satisfied and challenged and all that good stuff. However you get
there is fine with me. You know that.

As for the other stuff (sorry to be vague, but I'm in class), I'm not
sure what to say that hasn't already been said. I'm kind of tired of
having this same conversation because I feel like it's also causing
some of my issues of feeling like I need to "please you" or whatever.
I will try to start Opening Up this weekend. I hope that might help us
to have a different kind of conversation. Because I keep feeling like
I'm in this loop where you tell me you're unhappy about something and
I feel like I need to do something about it to "keep you" or make you
feel better.

gotta go

On Tue, Oct 30, 2012 at 4:31 AM, Jeremy Meyers <softlord@pobox.com> wrote:
Dearest Kate-

So, here’s why I was up late last night.  I had some some stuff that’s been
bubbling under the surface (and sometimes not under the surface).  I know we
said we’d check in with each other, so here’s some stuff that’s going on
with me that for whatever reason I haven’t talked about or been able to
crystallize my thoughts on.  There are no huge life-changing bombshells in
here, and I’m not leaving, so don’t worry.

When I decided to move here with you, I knew that your schooling and the
program would be your priority.  This is the deal that I accepted, because I
love and support you and this is what you should be doing.  I did a lot of
reading on “what its like when your partner goes to grad school”, and
thought I was prepared.

However, I think a side effect of this is that its put into further stark
relief how unsatisfied I am with my life and what i’m doing with it. I’ve
basically been treading water since my Waggener job ended, to varying
degrees.  I know we’ve talked about it, but I’m not sure I’ve really
processed the full extent of my feelings on the subject.

I’ve always held that a healthy relationship consists of three parts.
Yourself, the other person, and your relationship.  I feel like I’ve lost my
own life momentum as you are gaining yours, and I’m not happy about it.

I’ve become acutely aware of how much of my own life (as distinct from our
life together) now revolves around you and your schedule and spending time
with you.  Obviously, I like spending time with you.  However, I’m very
frustrated that my life right now is about spending a lot of my time doing
freelance stuff while waiting for you to get home.

You’re the only person I’ve spent any significant time with since we got
here (and even for a long time before we moved). This leads to me wanting
distance sometimes, even when I don’t specifically want to “not be around
you”.

I love you and our time together, but I am also lonely, unchallenged and
under-stimulated a lot of the time.  Even before we were together I was
basically spending most of my time at home and alone, so this is not new
behavior.  I don’t think I’ve really let that sink in without trying to
explain it away or feel guilty because of some fantasy implications about
our relationship, when its not about our relationship.

None of this is news to you, obviously. I’m reticent to dwell on it too much
with you because I don’t want you to feel any pressure from me or that I
harbor any resentment toward you about your schooling.  I appreciate all the
support you’ve given me on this front and I’m sure I’ll be leaning on you
for more in the future.  I don’t, and I don’t want your priorities to shift.
It’s all on me to lead and theres nothing for you to adjust, I don’t think.
I dont know if theres anything specific I want you to do to help, either.

The thing is, I suck at doing stuff for me.  I’ve always been bad at it. I
don’t like making doctors appointments, I even put off bullshit stuff like
haircuts, and i’ve always fallen into jobs or relationships and left them
way after it was really time.  This is something that I really dislike about
myself, and though I have the rare moment of clarity about them, most of the
time i’m in a fog of ‘well what if thats not the right thing’ and disgust at
this stupid fucking habit getting the best of me while time in this life is
so short.  The phrase “wasted potential” comes up a lot.

So, thats something I’m going to figure out. I’m not sure how yet but I will
(and I have some ideas that i need to actually DO), because continuing on
how I have been is not sustainable and is only hurting me and by extension
our relationship, which is too important to me to fuck up now.

Other things....

It makes me sad that there are things that you’re ashamed of or deep dark
secrets that you still don’t feel comfortable enough to share with me,
things that could bring us closer together.

It makes me sad that you say you don’t treat yourself very kindly.  I want
to support you as much as I can, though I’m not sure what I can do or
whether it’s even my place, or if anything I could say would help you in
that respect.  But if there is, I will do it.

It makes me sad that after this much time we’re still so delicate with each
other sexually and can’t figure out a way to be more overtly sexual (or as
you say ‘sluttier’, though i’m not sure thats exactly accurate in my mind
and maybe thats part of the “problem”, framing being more overtly sexual as
a charged word like ‘slutty’).  These are things that I struggle with
internally.

I want to figure out why, I want to break through, I want to be way kinkier
and more spontaneous and adventurous than we’ve ever been.

I get frustrated, however, when it feels to me like you’re not being very
proactive with your needs and instead focusing on being accommodating and
reactive.  This is, I think, a theme that I’ve been struggling with trying
to accurately and specifically identify.  I’m not sure I have it precisely
right, but here’s what I’ve come up with.

It seems (from my POV at least) like you sometimes go into situations (be
they sexytimes or otherwise) with the attitude of not wanting to “disappoint
me”. That makes it very difficult for me (and you too, I suspect) to engage
in the moment.  For me it feels like it raises the stakes of every
interaction. It relies on you then feeling like you’re doing what I’d want
or what you think I’d expect, or deferring to my request or preference.
Then if I’m doing something outside of that or not providing or following
the right script, theres no way to communicate it without maybe ruining the
moment or risking the very thing you’re trying to avoid?

It also doesn’t leave room for your actual needs wants and desires to be
communicated or to happen, so maybe you’re ‘stuck’ with either me guesing or
you not getting precisely what you want out of the interaction, or more
often its me asking what you wanna do and getting frustrated, or you asking
what I want to do and me getting frustrated.  No good.

I’m not sure what the path to get to a better place about this is.  I can
hear your response already “well you don’t say what you want either”. I hear
what you’re saying, but I’m not sure that would help given the dynamic (not
that its the easiest thing for me either). This kind of stuff has us stuck,
and it needs to change.

One of the reasons I’ve been encouraging us both to read Opening Up is
because there’s a lot of stuff in there about sexual communication and
templates and things, and maybe that will help, er, open us up, regardless
of whether it leads to a restructuring of our monogamy boundaries.  In fact
it would probably be helpful to separate out the reading from any commitment
to opensexytimes, which is perfectly fine with me.

Some of the local people I’ve been talking to on OKC (and some that we’ve
been talking to together) seem like they’d be fun to hang out with even if
we dont end up getting naked with them.  I’m just not sure whether you’d be
okay with that happening, be i together or me by myself...I’m trying to make
friends on my own here too.

I’ve been thinking about it a bit and as much as i want to be having hot
threesomes and moresomes and meeting fun couples to play with and stuff, I’m
not sure given all the other stuff above that I’m even in the right
headspace to share that adventure and have it be sustainable.  I guess we’ll
see.

As pervy and kinky as i am, I'm also bored and lonely as I said, which is
possibly not the ideal situation to begin such things.  I don’t know,
though.  I just know that it’s really most important to me that it be
something that we're both excited about, or at least honestly open to
independently rather than you doing it because of how i feel about it or
that same sense of not wanting to disappoint me if you don't like it.

Well, now it’s late, I’ve been wrigting this letter for 3 hours and you
probably think I’m mad at you.  Well, I’m not.  I just needed to get this
out.

My love always

-Jeremy

Momo
— — Kate Farina Graduate Student, Digital Media Department Georgia Institute of Technology 347 306 7954 katefarina@gmail.com @katefarina

Written by admin

October 30th, 2012 at 9:40 am

Posted in Kate

advice junkie

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(12:39:37 PM) jeremystudiod: i’m such an advice junkie
(12:39:41 PM) jeremystudiod: (12:37:04 PM) aardvark@d9.vark.com: (From Allison O./26/F/Washington,DC)
how can I be more open to dating, when I am an independent woman who works full time and is generally thinks most men are lame

(Type ‘pass’ to skip, or ‘more’ for extra options.)
(12:39:54 PM) jeremystudiod: (12:39:22 PM) jeremystudiod: it sounds like you may need to take a look at yourself and what might be holding you back from being more open to the opportunities that come your way. In my mind ‘independent’ (not that there’s anything wrong with that) can also be a euphemism for ‘closed off to connection’. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you won’t still be driven and in charge of your own life, but ideally it means you’re part of a team, too. Most men may be lame, but going into each new experience expecting lameness will probably get you exactly what you think you’re going to get. Lameness can be an interesting learning experience in figuring out what you want and don’t want. I hope this is helpful!
12:40
(12:40:31 PM) kate9881: um
(12:40:40 PM) kate9881: you are a very strange man
(12:40:58 PM) jeremystudiod: why am i strange? helping people feels good
(12:41:16 PM) jeremystudiod: if more people helped each other, the world would be a better place
(12:41:39 PM) kate9881: i just find it funny/endearing that you take time to try and help people with relationship problems
(12:42:16 PM) kate9881: that’s not the advice i would have given though
(12:42:21 PM) jeremystudiod: no? what would you have said?
(12:42:45 PM) jeremystudiod: its not just relationship problems…i just happen to have my aardvark profile set to answer questions about relationships, amongst other things
(12:42:54 PM) kate9881: yeah i know
(12:42:59 PM) kate9881: 80s movies, remember
(12:43:09 PM) jeremystudiod: i’m interested in how people interact with each other, and what holds them back from experiencing things fully
(12:44:11 PM) kate9881: personally, i think that anyone who takes the step of asking such a question on aardvark is not closed off
(12:44:24 PM) kate9881: she probably has just recently experienced some jerks
(12:44:44 PM) kate9881: and the only thing you can do is keep putting yourself out there
12:45
(12:45:02 PM) jeremystudiod: well… being self-aware about it certainly leads to asking the question… i meant closed-off as in expecting to be let down, not like… shut down to everything
(12:45:27 PM) kate9881: well
(12:45:48 PM) kate9881: i don’t necessarily think its the same thing
(12:45:56 PM) kate9881: she didn’t write enough to know
(12:45:59 PM) jeremystudiod: no
(12:46:13 PM) kate9881: but i just think it sounds like she’s had a string of duds
(12:46:43 PM) kate9881: and it’s hard to go in with optimism every time you have a first date or whatever
(12:46:45 PM) jeremystudiod: it just seemed like she was in that mindset where its like ‘im out here on my own living my life, and i want a boyfriend, but everyone i meet sucks’
(12:48:03 PM) jeremystudiod: but maybe i couldve been ‘dont let the last few guys lameness get you down, the right one is out there’
(12:48:32 PM) jeremystudiod: i just think its interesting, the specific details people include in questions like that… like… whats the most important thing someone needs to know about me in order to give me advice
(12:48:41 PM) kate9881: right
(12:48:43 PM) jeremystudiod: the things she put were ‘independent’ ‘works full time’ ‘most men are lame’
(12:48:56 PM) kate9881: but i think that that’s common to like 99% of all single women
(12:49:10 PM) jeremystudiod: which to me means that she doesn’t want to be ‘tied down’ with a relationship, she has her own life and her own priorities, and hasn’t found someone who meets her expectations
(12:49:43 PM) kate9881: not necessarily
12:50
(12:50:03 PM) kate9881: look, i would’ve said the same thing, like immediately before we started going out
(12:50:47 PM) jeremystudiod: of course
(12:51:54 PM) jeremystudiod: i just think its always valuable to take a second and say ‘well, when i say im independent, what does that really mean in terms of what i want from a relationship and from a potential partner. Is that a valuable definition or are parts of it contributing to me not being in a relationship’
(12:53:23 PM) kate9881: i guess. but i mean, i never had that conversation with myself
(12:53:38 PM) jeremystudiod: not that thers like… something wrong with being independent
(12:53:59 PM) jeremystudiod: well she doesn’t have to take my advice 🙂
12:55
(12:56:23 PM) kate9881: i guess i just think that some people probably need to do figure out some stuff for themselves or whatever, but sometimes it just works out
(12:56:31 PM) kate9881: without all the personal soulsearching
(12:56:43 PM) jeremystudiod: right
(12:56:45 PM) kate9881: it just has to be the right time for both people
(12:56:57 PM) kate9881: and the right two people
(12:57:11 PM) kate9881: and if she keeps looking, she’ll probably find a good one
(12:57:18 PM) jeremystudiod: yeah but i think maybe you dont give yourself enough credit for being open to the possibility at the beginning
(12:57:24 PM) kate9881: the more she looks, the more she’ll know what she wants
(12:57:32 PM) jeremystudiod: yeah i mean thats what i was saying at the end
(12:57:36 PM) kate9881: right
(12:57:42 PM) kate9881: the other thing is
(12:57:43 PM) jeremystudiod: lame doesn’t have to be a reason to get frustrated and give up
(12:57:55 PM) kate9881: i think sometimes we don’t give people enough of a chance
(12:58:07 PM) kate9881: like sometimes 2 dates isn’t really enough
(12:58:08 PM) jeremystudiod: yeah we do tend to have a checklist in our head or something
(12:58:56 PM) kate9881: yeah i mean
13:05
(1:09:56 PM) jeremystudiod: its much easier to write someone off or focus on ‘warning signs’ rather than be interested in whats behind someone’s behaviors
13:10
(1:10:13 PM) jeremystudiod: i mean, i couldve been like ‘whoa, this girl is crying on my couch? she’s craaaaazy’ and never seen you again
(1:10:20 PM) kate9881: sometimes we just have to let go and accept people for what they are
(1:10:30 PM) jeremystudiod: i think its a matter of our attitude going in
(1:10:47 PM) jeremystudiod: if its an opportunity to get to know someone rather than an interview for a job
(1:11:26 PM) jeremystudiod: yeah … accepting people for what they are is important… especially our own selves … a lot of buddhism/meditation is about that, kind of
(1:12:14 PM) jeremystudiod: its about… this is how it is in this moment, this moment is the only thing i have any control over, everything is exactly as it’s supposed to be (including stuff that we inherently want to think of as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’)
(1:13:04 PM) jeremystudiod: and all things change all the time, so not getting too hung up on where stuff is right now is to our benefit in removing suffering from our lives
13:15
(1:15:05 PM) kate9881: wow. yeah i guess
(1:15:13 PM) kate9881: not sure i totally get that but maybe a little
(1:18:42 PM) kate9881: i do think that women are conditioned or encouraged or something to have this “ideal” in mind
(1:18:45 PM) kate9881: with the checklist
(1:19:29 PM) jeremystudiod: its counterintuitive to how we’re set up to think… we’re set up to be ‘this is wrong and it sucks’ or ‘this is dangerous’ or ‘this happened this way before so its going to happen this way again’
(1:19:32 PM) jeremystudiod: our limbic system at work
(1:19:42 PM) kate9881: yeah, i guess that makes sense
(1:19:48 PM) kate9881: never thought about it that way
13:20
(1:20:19 PM) kate9881: you should tell her that
(1:21:10 PM) jeremystudiod: but the more we can train ourselves to react to things without that additional attachment of ‘this is good and i want it to always be like this’ or ‘this is bad and i want it to stop’ or ‘this needs to be a specific way in order for me to be happy’, then we can go through life from moment to moment and just kind of experience things as ‘interesting’…and enjoy the joy when its there and learn from the pain when its there…and everything is an opportunity to learn and grow
(1:21:21 PM) jeremystudiod: and its not like one day a switch gets flicked and thats your mode 100% of the time
13:25
(1:27:21 PM) kate9881: yeah
(1:28:03 PM) jeremystudiod: and its especially hard when stress happens
(1:28:13 PM) jeremystudiod: because we all go into the thinking loops
(1:29:09 PM) kate9881: yes
13:30
(1:33:47 PM) jeremystudiod: ‘omg i have so much stuff to do im never going to be able to get it done and then im gonna get fired and ill lose my apartment and have to live on the street and give handjobs for crack and omg im thiking about how much stuff i have to do rather than actually doing it’ etc etc etc
(1:34:49 PM) kate9881: handjobs for crack, eh?
13:35
(1:35:03 PM) jeremystudiod: pop culture references are a crutch, i understand that 😛
(1:35:44 PM) kate9881: i mean, i think, in terms of dating,
(1:35:59 PM) kate9881: often we’re looking for flaws
(1:36:07 PM) kate9881: or we’ve been told to do that
(1:36:17 PM) kate9881: by friends or women’s magazines or something
(1:37:03 PM) kate9881: it’s probably the same for men
(1:38:47 PM) jeremystudiod: well its interesting that you say that
(1:38:58 PM) jeremystudiod: because we’re kind of set up to look for what might be wrong with any given situation anyway
(1:39:02 PM) jeremystudiod: our brains
(1:39:09 PM) jeremystudiod: always on alert
13:40
(1:40:01 PM) kate9881: yeah
(1:40:05 PM) kate9881: because of the bears, right?
(1:40:11 PM) jeremystudiod: heh
(1:40:12 PM) jeremystudiod: yes
(1:40:15 PM) jeremystudiod: because of the bears
(1:41:03 PM) jeremystudiod: its always so fascinating to me how psychology ties into evolution and how personal relationships map to business challenges map to political stuff and its all basically the same
(1:41:38 PM) jeremystudiod: so yeah i think a lot of relationship advice and stuff is like ‘warning signs!’ or ‘top 10 ways to tell if he’s cheating on you’
(1:41:43 PM) kate9881: i still picture muppet bears
(1:41:47 PM) jeremystudiod: hee
(1:41:49 PM) jeremystudiod: me too
(1:42:08 PM) jeremystudiod: because i think those warning things get adrenaline going and lead to impulsive behavior
(1:42:11 PM) jeremystudiod: like buying the magazine
(1:42:15 PM) jeremystudiod: its all marekting
(1:42:16 PM) jeremystudiod: marketing
(1:43:14 PM) kate9881: yes
(1:43:16 PM) kate9881: fear
(1:44:00 PM) jeremystudiod: yup
(1:44:12 PM) jeremystudiod: everything comes from fear or love
(1:44:16 PM) jeremystudiod: or, go to back even further
(1:44:26 PM) jeremystudiod: all actions are motivated from a place of separation or a place of connection
13:45
(1:46:43 PM) jeremystudiod: lol, i just got an email from our corp comm department with some best practices for my livetweeting stuff tomorrow
(1:46:51 PM) jeremystudiod: giving me advice on how to use twitter. way to go, guys.
(1:48:00 PM) kate9881: ha
(1:48:04 PM) kate9881: what are the best practices

Written by admin

May 16th, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Posted in Kate

transition time.

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Jeremy Meyers
so…yeah.
11:57
Kate Farina

11:58
Jeremy Meyers
i’m sorry its been difficult lately
11:58
Kate Farina
hey, you’re going through a challenging time. i didn’t sign up for the good parts only
and god knows, i have my rough times too
the important thing is that we can talk about it
12:00
Jeremy Meyers
i know
here’s the thing
when i was living with my dad as an adult
a lot of my time was spent with like…blinders on… just trying to get through another day
figuring out different ways how i could get through the week
being at home, on the computer, watching tv, reading, porning, whatever
coping mechanisms
diversion
s
and it was a really hard time for me
and that replicated itself when i first moved in to my apartment
when i was by myself
there were a lot of nights and weekends where i’d just do my best to oookill time until i could sleep
and my sleep schedule switched around to being awake at night
and usch
such
as my default
and it was sad but i was comfortable
in that spiral
so when i have an extended period where i feel like i dont really have a purpose
like now
even though i know intellectually that its only temporary
theres a pull inside for me to go back into that, and protect myself, and shut down from others
and like…get onthe computer when i can’t sleep
and play with people online when i feel lonely
etc
but its different because i can’t just do that because i have you, so there are consequences
i can’t just hide
so that causes friction
and makes me want to push and get snarky
even though i dont really WANT to
and i guess leads to you feeling taken for granted
so
i just have to figure out what to d
o
and how to cope
yeah thats all i have
Kate Farina
whoa, sorry i was away from my desk
okay.
i do understand that somewhat
i haven’t been in that exact situation, but i have gone through periods like that
i was seriously depressed living in phoenix and then after when i was unemployed
and i know that as much as i bitch about my job and i hate it on many levels, i would have some trouble if i didn’t have it
maybe this sounds weird to you, but when we started dating, you seemed so stable and together
i say ‘seemed’ because that was my perception, i’m not sure if it was your reality
12:16
Jeremy Meyers
well, i was more togehter than the last time we hung out
plus i’d just started a new job that i liked
12:17
Kate Farina
right
and you were so into meditation and stuff
and i was a fucking mess
i’ve talked about this with my therapist, how sometimes i’m more comfortable not being the ‘leader’ in some ways
so i guess that’s why i’ve felt a little uneasy lately. i feel a little more responsibility to sort of keep things on track or whatever
12:21
Jeremy Meyers
i’m not sure what you think you ahve to do beyond what you usually do
12:22
Kate Farina
i guess i have an urge to try and make you ‘happy’
or feel like it’s all going to be okay
provide some comfort
but i know that i can’t fix it
i can’t really do much of anything except be supportive and access to my butt
12:27
Jeremy Meyers
i think the thing is
this is how it is
12:30
Kate Farina
yes
12:31
Jeremy Meyers
and it seems like when either of us try to ‘fix’ or whatever, it jsut makes it worse
12:31
Kate Farina
we’re doing the best we can during a tough time
12:31
Jeremy Meyers
i dont want to be snippy at you
i know its misdirected
12:31
Kate Farina
okay
12:32
Jeremy Meyers
but sometiems i am
when i’m feeling like this
12:35
Kate Farina
i love you even when you’re feeling not so great
but i reserve the right to call you out on being snippy
12:35
Jeremy Meyers
i know
i jsut wanted you to know that i know i’m doing it and i dont like…feel good about it but i’m trying to figure out how to be in this situation when its not just me.
12:36
Kate Farina
yes. i’m still figuring stuff out too
12:36
Jeremy Meyers
and my default is to push people away
no matter who they are
12:37
Kate Farina
just don’t push me out of bed

Written by admin

March 22nd, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Posted in Kate

sex and seattle

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13:16:33) kate9881: is it ok if i think about applying to some graduate programs?
(13:17:31) jeremystudiod: of course its okay… tho it kinda makes me nervous
(13:17:35) jeremystudiod: tho that shouldn’t stop you
(13:19:13) kate9881: nervous how
(13:23:08) jeremystudiod: nervous like what if in march waggener wants me to move to seattle and you get accepted to an awesome grad program in boston
(13:23:56) kate9881: ok, but what we’ve learned in the past couple weeks is that things charge without warning and we have no clue what might happen in the coming months
(13:25:37) jeremystudiod: yeah i know
(13:25:42) jeremystudiod: i’m just saying it makes me nervous
(13:25:56) jeremystudiod: and i feel bad that it makes me nervous because of course you should apply for whatever you wnat
(13:26:35) kate9881: yeah i get it
(13:27:02) kate9881: i just think that it doesn’t hurt to at least try and see what happens
(13:27:12) jeremystudiod: are there good grad programs at seattle u?
(13:27:17) jeremystudiod: also i mea
(13:27:17) jeremystudiod: n
(13:27:29) jeremystudiod: this is something i was talking about in therapy
(13:28:42) jeremystudiod: how you’ve said that its important to you that i be really behind the seattle move and unwavering on it. and i’m not. im’ not like ‘yes seattle is where i want to spend the rest of our days’… there are parts of it i like, and i like the idea of moving somewhere that has more of the things that both of us like and less of the things we don’t, and also has a job waiting for me
(13:29:16) kate9881: hey – i wouldn’t expect ANYONE to be “unwavering”
(13:29:24) kate9881: in the real world, at least
(13:29:30) jeremystudiod: and maybe i’m not thinking about it in terms of both of us… it would be different if it was just me
(13:29:45) kate9881: i think what freaked me out is that the same day you were talking about finding a totally different city
(13:30:08) jeremystudiod: well hey, maybe you find a grad school in a totally different city that we end up liking
(13:30:42) kate9881: well, it’s not really about that for me
(13:30:46) jeremystudiod: i know
(13:31:09) kate9881: my gre will expire at some point
(13:31:23) jeremystudiod: i’m 100% on board with finding a place that is differently paced, has more access to nature, but is not a small town and still has some city amenities and some culture.
(13:31:43) kate9881: and since i’m at somewhat of a crossroads, i just think, might as well try something
(13:31:48) jeremystudiod: the fact that seattle seems to map to those things and also would keep me employed is the reason that i’m pushing for it.
(13:31:49) kate9881: or explore it at least
(13:32:03) jeremystudiod: but in fact i dont even really know if those are the things that you’re also interested in finding
(13:32:09) jeremystudiod: because i dont think i ever really asked that explicitly
(13:32:48) jeremystudiod: so maybe you want something totally different
(13:33:12) kate9881: i don’t know if i’ve ever thought about it in those terms
(13:33:33) kate9881: and i’ve changed my mind about that stuff plenty over the years
(13:33:47) kate9881: having a criteria, i mean
(13:34:19) kate9881: seattle seems cool
(13:34:32) kate9881: it does have many positive
(13:34:46) kate9881: and the things i’m worried about are things i’d probably be worried about anywhere
(13:35:20) kate9881: but my take on the whole situation is this
(13:35:39) kate9881: 1. i’d love to have everything work out and end up moving there with you
(13:36:04) kate9881: 2. i think i realize more clearly that i can’t assume that will happen
(13:36:16) kate9881: or at least, happen quickly or easily
(13:36:49) kate9881: 3. maybe i just need to do something for ME
(13:37:14) kate9881: and just see what happens
(13:38:10) kate9881: in all likelihood, probably nothing will come of it
(13:39:05) kate9881: and even if the seattle stuff totally came through in the spring and i got into a program somewhere, then it’s an embarrassment of riches
(13:39:08) jeremystudiod: of course i understand and of course i want you to do something for you (as i was saying, its hard for me to do that too, so maybe we can push each other). i’m jsut saying my gut emotional reaction was ‘fuck, what if we both have great opportunities in completely different cities.’… the abandonment stuff starts up
(13:39:27) jeremystudiod: whether its a valid concern or not
(13:39:31) kate9881: there’s no abandoning
(13:39:45) kate9881: there’s just expanding options
(13:39:59) kate9881: i’m not going anywhere without you
(13:40:26) jeremystudiod: and then it gets into ‘well i dont want her to sacrifice a great opportunity so that we can move somewhere that neither of us are 100% sold on so i can work for a company im not 100% sold on’
(13:40:41) kate9881: no one is ever 100% sold on anything
(13:41:16) kate9881: some time i should tell you about what happened when my mom and i got to phoenix
(13:42:29) kate9881: i don’t expect either of us to be 100% sold
(13:42:32) kate9881: no way
(13:42:47) kate9881: plus, then how could it ever live up to our expectations??

16:41:46) jeremystudiod: i was thinking as i was getting lunch about how i back down from asserting my needs
(16:41:58) jeremystudiod: (i’m trying to get more clarity on the actual relationship to it)
(16:42:11) kate9881: asserting your needs to whom?
(16:42:15) jeremystudiod: to whoever
(16:42:25) jeremystudiod: i mean theres probably an unconscious criteria
(16:43:30) jeremystudiod: but its like… i stop myself from calling for appointments and stuff because i think on some level i imagine that they’re going to be like ‘YOU want an appointment? no can do.’
(16:43:36) jeremystudiod: or just not listened to
(16:43:59) jeremystudiod: and on some level thats connected to my never really having gotten my needs listened to as teenager and young adult
(16:44:14) kate9881: hey, i feel like that all the time
(16:44:25) kate9881: except for me, it’s more of a fear of bothering people
(16:44:35) kate9881: or seeming to “need help”
(16:44:46) jeremystudiod: well that makes sense beccause your dad seems perpetually bothered by other humans
(16:44:50) jeremystudiod: whether its an affectation or not
(16:45:00) kate9881: maybe
(16:45:14) jeremystudiod: maybe
(16:45:16) jeremystudiod: indeed
(16:45:24) jeremystudiod: but i was thinking that maybe it connects to our sex life too
(16:45:32) jeremystudiod: like that conversation we were having
(16:45:59) jeremystudiod: maybe i assume you’re not going to want to on some level and you assume its going to be a bother
(16:46:09) jeremystudiod: you know….sometimes.
(16:46:16) kate9881: i don’t know
(16:47:22) kate9881: honestly, it often doesn’t occur to me
(16:47:47) kate9881: to haven express ‘needs’ or whatnot
(16:48:12) kate9881: to even express, i meant
(16:48:46) kate9881: i actually think it’s gotten more difficult
(16:49:02) kate9881: because now i’m probably overly concerned with ‘pleasing you’
(16:49:11) jeremystudiod: yeah
(16:49:32) kate9881: and most of the time i don’t feel like i’ve ‘succeeded’
(16:49:37) jeremystudiod: and i’m overly concerned with everything being ‘fine’
(16:50:20) jeremystudiod: or something
(16:50:29) kate9881: well, i don’t really know what ‘fine’ is. by my definition, it already is ‘fine’
(16:51:07) kate9881: i think sometimes all the conversations and stuff are just piling up the expectations
(16:51:46) jeremystudiod: possibly but i’m also not sure how we get more spontaneous without hashing out whats keeping us from being spontaneous more
(16:52:07) kate9881: i don’t know. but i definitely feel more nervous now
(16:52:15) jeremystudiod: well dont be nervous
(16:52:32) kate9881: i feel like every encounter is being graded or something
(16:52:46) jeremystudiod: hm
(16:53:09) kate9881: did this please jeremy enough so that it won’t become part of the discussion later?
(16:53:15) jeremystudiod: oh
(16:53:22) jeremystudiod: i really dont mean for it to be like that
(16:53:32) jeremystudiod: i’m sorry if thats how it has come off
(16:53:37) kate9881: hey, this is coming out of my own head
(16:53:39) jeremystudiod: i know
(16:53:45) kate9881: doesn’t mean it’s objective
(16:55:17) kate9881: and that’s not to say i haven’t been enjoying myself, because i definitely have
(16:55:19) jeremystudiod: i dont even realy know how to phrase how i feel about it other than what we’ve already said and that it seems like we both have some stuff around being spontaneous and integrating it into our overall life together
(16:55:44) kate9881: but at the same time, i’m now more worried that you aren’t enjoying yourself or something
(16:55:54) jeremystudiod: i absolutely love playing with you
(16:56:15) jeremystudiod: thats not what i’m talking about
(16:56:27) jeremystudiod: i think its part of the challenges of learning to live together
(16:56:37) jeremystudiod: figuring out how to be spontaneous
(16:57:05) kate9881: yes
(16:57:36) kate9881: but i mean, i’m the first to admit that i’m not the smoothest person when it comes to spontaneous initiating stuff
(16:57:44) jeremystudiod: i was talking to my therapist about feeling like everything needs to be either perfect or needing to be ‘fixed’
(16:58:01) kate9881: nothing is perfect and nothing is ever totally fixed
(16:58:18) jeremystudiod: and he made the point that a functional relationship involves pretty regular ‘tweaking’ in order to optimize… that doesn’t mean that something was wrong before
(16:58:37) jeremystudiod: and with sex especially, in my head if theres something that could use some tweaking it also means that something is ‘wrong’
(16:59:05) kate9881: yeah
(16:59:16) jeremystudiod: which isn’t true
(16:59:41) kate9881: it just feels like, in the past few weeks or so, you seem kind of sad afterward or something
(16:59:54) jeremystudiod: hm
(17:00:20) kate9881: and what immediately pops into my mind is “you’re not pleasing him! you’re not good enough!”
(17:00:28) jeremystudiod: the past few weeks i’ve been kinda off in general. it rarely if ever has to do with you
(17:00:57) jeremystudiod: well, next time those thoughts come up, you can ask me or tell me or whatever
(17:01:07) jeremystudiod: i’ve been generally in more of a snuggly mood than a sexy one
(17:02:08) kate9881: ok
(17:02:31) kate9881: i’m perfectly happy to do more snuggling
(17:03:03) jeremystudiod: i’m feeling kinda vulnerable and stuff… thinking about this whole thing with my dad
(17:04:04) jeremystudiod: so basically i’m trying to take the angle that its not that anything is ‘wrong’ with our playtime its that we both maybe need to give ourselves permission to enjoy it more?
(17:04:29) jeremystudiod: and i’m sorry if my wanting to talk about it led you to a different conclusion
(17:06:02) kate9881: it’s ok
(17:06:15) kate9881: i have weird issues too
(17:06:23) jeremystudiod: really?
(17:06:25) kate9881: so this is coming from that too
(17:06:30) jeremystudiod: dammit i wish you’d told me this before!
(17:06:32) jeremystudiod: 😉
(17:06:40) kate9881: there is nothing ‘wrong’
(17:07:00) kate9881: and yes, we do need to give ourselves permission to enjoy it

Written by admin

October 15th, 2010 at 5:36 pm

Posted in Kate

The story of Kate and Jeremy

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we met on craigslist in 2008… hit it off, went out a few times, but we were both in a not-so-great headspace for dating, so it kind of fizzled out.  Before that, I loaned her my copy of Angel Season 1 on DVD.  Afterward, we’d talk online every few months, and I’d mention that we should meet for coffee so i could get my dvds back, but somehow it never happened.  In August of 2009 (when I was starting a new job), I randomly wondered what she was up to so I sent her a Facebook message, and she responded awhile later that she’d moved to brooklyn and found my DVDs and felt really bad about it.  So anyway, she came over to return them and we hung out on the couch for like 4 hours talking, and then later in the week we went to dinner, and then to central park over the weekend, and we’ve been together ever since.

Written by admin

August 2nd, 2010 at 12:18 pm

Posted in Kate

Jenny Drama

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i figured out why it bugged me so much … because its political, which is a whole system that i refuse to buy into. because office poltics is based on the importance of heirarchy and position, which means that people value themselves based on their job title and by proxy, the amount of money they make, and thats something i just dont subscrbie to at all. my motivator for working is to be able to do what i’m good at and also pay rent, its not having a business card with VP on it, or getting paid six figures, like…at all.  i’d rather get in trouble and keep my integrity intact
i’d rather get in trouble and keep my integrity intact

Written by admin

May 7th, 2010 at 1:06 pm

Posted in Kate

Off night with Kate discussion

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(10:50:46 AM) kate9881: hey
(10:50:49 AM) kate9881: i love you
(10:50:56 AM) jeremystudiod: hey i love you too
(10:51:22 AM) jeremystudiod: we were a little off last night
(10:51:24 AM) jeremystudiod: stupid sake
(10:52:00 AM) kate9881: eh, it happens
(10:52:13 AM) jeremystudiod: yup
(10:52:47 AM) jeremystudiod: sometimes i get triggered by stuff like that
(10:54:14 AM) kate9881: triggered by sake?
(10:54:19 AM) kate9881: or having an off night
(10:54:23 AM) jeremystudiod: the latter
(10:54:36 AM) jeremystudiod: it becomes like ‘omg what if its all gonna fall apart now!’
(10:54:41 AM) kate9881: wha???
(10:54:52 AM) jeremystudiod: ‘what if it stays weird!’
(10:54:54 AM) kate9881: hey, we haven’t really ever had a fight
10:55
(10:55:23 AM) jeremystudiod: i know
(10:55:47 AM) jeremystudiod: i’m not saying thats what i believe in my heart, i’m saying that thoughts get triggered
(10:56:07 AM) kate9881: i mean, in some ways that’s why i was like ‘let’s have sex now’
(10:56:07 AM) jeremystudiod: and then i dont want to tell you because i dont want you to think that i’m seriously worried about it and i dont want you to worry about it
(10:56:22 AM) kate9881: because sometimes you just need to get in a different headspace
(10:56:50 AM) kate9881: if it would make you feel better to tell me, you can
(10:56:51 AM) kate9881: i get it
(10:57:51 AM) kate9881: i won’t freak out or something
(10:58:02 AM) jeremystudiod: okay
(10:58:11 AM) jeremystudiod: thats just the abandonment stuff that comes up
(10:59:00 AM) kate9881: ok
(10:59:10 AM) kate9881: it’s just that
(10:59:32 AM) kate9881: i need to be able to say what i feel, even if i’m mildly annoyed
(10:59:48 AM) jeremystudiod: absolutely
(10:59:50 AM) kate9881: without feeling like “oh no, i don’t want to trigger the abandonment issues”
11:00
(11:00:10 AM) jeremystudiod: i know, and i dont want you to start censoring
(11:00:22 AM) kate9881: right
(11:00:56 AM) jeremystudiod: i think its okay that stuff gets triggered because it gives me a chance to work through it, maybe?
(11:01:16 AM) jeremystudiod: i mean, inevitably i’ll hit one of your triggers without meaning to and vice versa
(11:01:20 AM) kate9881: in any relationship there are going to be little disagreements here and there and times when we each get a little frustrated or something
(11:02:00 AM) kate9881: so, we both accept that it will happen and know that it doesn’t mean that everything will blow up and end in a break up
(11:03:14 AM) jeremystudiod: yeah i mean sometimes its just like.. its been really great since we started so if we have an off night then it triggers like… ‘weve been at 99% for 4 months and right now we’re at 90% oh no oh no!’
(11:03:50 AM) jeremystudiod: because with my parents everything seemed fine for a long tiem and then it kind of suddenly (at least from my perspective) got horrible for a long time and then my mom left
(11:04:50 AM) jeremystudiod: and i get intellectually that having an off night or having a disagreement or whatever isn’t the same as that
(11:04:57 AM) jeremystudiod: but it connects in my brain
11:05
(11:05:00 AM) kate9881: ok but, we are not your parents
(11:05:28 AM) kate9881: and i don’t think percentages are a good barometer
(11:05:30 AM) jeremystudiod: yes but the same way you get some personality things from your parents, i get some of this from them
(11:05:35 AM) kate9881: and we’ve had off nights befores
(11:05:42 AM) kate9881: befores?
(11:05:47 AM) kate9881: oops
(11:05:50 AM) jeremystudiod: befos!
(11:05:55 AM) kate9881: befo’
(11:06:08 AM) kate9881: i mean, it’s my PMS time again apaprently
(11:06:32 AM) kate9881: and last month i was specifically like “i need to spend some me time”
(11:06:42 AM) kate9881: so it’s not like, unprecedented
(11:06:44 AM) jeremystudiod: i know we are not my parents… and its not like… i dont want you to change anything
(11:07:05 AM) jeremystudiod: or have to be self-conscious about hitting triggers
(11:07:16 AM) jeremystudiod: this is something that i want to work on
(11:07:29 AM) kate9881: yeah, and you will
(11:07:34 AM) kate9881: you are
(11:07:39 AM) jeremystudiod: i dont want you to have to go into hiding once a month like a werewolf
(11:07:44 AM) kate9881: i mean, you’re recognizing it

Written by admin

March 11th, 2010 at 4:37 pm

Posted in Kate

Tagged with ,

Kate re: Therapy

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Conversation with kate9881

Conversation with kate9881 on 2/5/2010 4:22:19 PM:
(4:22:19 PM) kate9881: if you want. dinner’s not until like 9:30 or something
(4:22:35 PM) jeremystudiod: honestly i need to get some of this work done
(4:22:47 PM) jeremystudiod: i’m not sure if i’m gonna be finished with all i need to finsih by 6
(4:23:11 PM) kate9881: ok, well see what you get done
(4:23:31 PM) kate9881: and you can always meet me wherever i am when you finish
(4:38:26 PM) jeremystudiod: newsweek might publish one of my ‘six word responses’
(4:40:26 PM) kate9881: what was it
(4:40:34 PM) jeremystudiod: http://twitter.com/Newsweek/status/8688601845
(4:40:41 PM) jeremystudiod: my response http://twitter.com/jeremymeyers/statuses/8688969281
(4:41:20 PM) kate9881: yeah, that’s a sensible response
(4:46:44 PM) jeremystudiod: 🙂
(4:47:20 PM) jeremystudiod: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703822404575019082819966538.html?mod=WSJ_PersonalFinance_LeadSecond#articleTabs=article
(4:51:38 PM) kate9881: well, not everyone goes to college because of earning potential
(4:51:52 PM) jeremystudiod: no
(4:52:13 PM) kate9881: especially when you get into highly ranked schools
(4:52:33 PM) jeremystudiod: yes
(4:52:45 PM) kate9881: for most people it’s because they either want a career that requires it (doctor, lawyer, etc.), or just because society expects you to
(4:52:53 PM) kate9881: or it seems fun or whatnot
(4:53:33 PM) jeremystudiod: i know
(4:53:41 PM) jeremystudiod: sometimes i regret not going
(4:53:50 PM) jeremystudiod: i think more for the social aspect of it than any particular learning
(4:56:17 PM) kate9881: i think if it were the right school
(4:56:47 PM) kate9881: i mean, i can see why you were frustrated by, say, the new school
(4:57:10 PM) jeremystudiod: i have a list somewhere of colleges i was interested in looking at
(4:57:11 PM) jeremystudiod: i should dig it up
(4:57:22 PM) jeremystudiod: it was mostly small liberal arts places
(4:57:23 PM) kate9881: i could see at, like, Reed or something
(4:57:28 PM) jeremystudiod: yeah…reed was on the list
(4:57:39 PM) jeremystudiod: drew, conncoll, oberlin
(4:57:57 PM) kate9881: yeah
(4:58:10 PM) kate9881: i worked with some really great people from oberlin
(4:58:19 PM) jeremystudiod: swarthmore, maybe?
(4:58:23 PM) jeremystudiod: i can’t remember, it was a long time ago
(4:58:47 PM) kate9881: my mom kept pushing for weird hippie schools with no grades
(4:58:53 PM) jeremystudiod: heh
(4:59:12 PM) kate9881: i think i really believed that i would have fit in at those schools because i was sooooooo different
(4:59:21 PM) jeremystudiod: well thats what everyone thinks
(4:59:25 PM) kate9881: yes
(4:59:33 PM) kate9881: luckily i kept getting bad vibes
(4:59:34 PM) jeremystudiod: and thats what they are populated with
(4:59:38 PM) jeremystudiod: mostly
(4:59:43 PM) kate9881: yeah
(5:00:00 PM) kate9881: i knew i wanted to go to vassar immediately
(5:00:09 PM) kate9881: i actually applied early decision
(5:00:13 PM) jeremystudiod: it was on my list too
(5:00:50 PM) jeremystudiod: bard was too, tho i think i ended up not liking it when i went to visit
(5:01:12 PM) jeremystudiod: beloit, maybe?
(5:02:54 PM) kate9881: omg i hated bard
(5:02:55 PM) kate9881: hahaha
(5:03:03 PM) kate9881: it was my top choice in theory
(5:03:06 PM) kate9881: then we visited
(5:03:13 PM) jeremystudiod: its a pretty campus
(5:03:19 PM) kate9881: well, the scenery
(5:03:31 PM) kate9881: but there was trash everywhere
(5:03:50 PM) kate9881: it was like, the students had no concept of picking up or recycling
(5:04:01 PM) kate9881: even though they’re all hipsters
(5:04:11 PM) jeremystudiod: especially since they’re hipsters 🙂
(5:04:15 PM) jeremystudiod: trustafarians
(5:04:20 PM) kate9881: no respect for maintenance workers
(5:04:26 PM) kate9881: which is a pet peeve of mine
(5:04:41 PM) jeremystudiod: when i was growing up i thought it’d be MIT or Cornell or CMU or UNC
(5:05:59 PM) kate9881: cornell is like the suicidal capital of colleges
(5:06:11 PM) jeremystudiod: except for the nyu library
(5:06:17 PM) kate9881: 🙁
(5:06:32 PM) jeremystudiod: brutalist architecture has a price.
(5:06:38 PM) jeremystudiod: i mean its called freakin BRUTALIST
(5:06:42 PM) kate9881: ha
(5:07:11 PM) kate9881: well, you know what, all of us have things we regret not doing, to some extent
(5:07:24 PM) kate9881: you turned out alright
(5:07:26 PM) kate9881: 😉
(5:07:48 PM) kate9881: it kind of makes you badass
(5:07:50 PM) kate9881: hahaha
(5:09:12 PM) jeremystudiod: i am pretty badass
(5:09:24 PM) jeremystudiod: ok apparently i’m having drinks with Heather and Nadina
(5:09:32 PM) jeremystudiod: so i’m closing up
(5:09:51 PM) jeremystudiod: maybe i’ll come by your job after?
(5:10:22 PM) kate9881: what about all your work
(5:10:22 PM) kate9881: hahaha
(5:10:36 PM) kate9881: lucky you
(5:11:00 PM) jeremystudiod: f it
(5:11:02 PM) jeremystudiod: i’m burnt
(5:11:03 PM) jeremystudiod: i’ll finish it monday
(5:11:05 PM) jeremystudiod: call you after
(5:11:06 PM) kate9881: woohoo
(5:11:08 PM) kate9881: ok


10:05
jeremystudiod: <#
jeremystudiod: <3
kate9881: hey
10:20
jeremystudiod: so…
jeremystudiod: monday.
kate9881: yeah
10:25
jeremystudiod: kind of felt ‘off’ this morning
kate9881: you did?
jeremystudiod: a little
kate9881: shower thoughts?
jeremystudiod: yea some of that, and then a quiet walk… thought you might be mad at me or something
kate9881: mad at you?
jeremystudiod: yea i dunno
kate9881: am i usually super chatty while we’re walking to work?\
jeremystudiod: no i guess not
10:35
jeremystudiod: hey i didn’t say it was rational
jeremystudiod: 😛
11:35
jeremystudiod: hows your day going
kate9881: ooh sorry
kate9881: spent an hour explaining stuff to the intern
jeremystudiod: s’ok
kate9881: anyway, i wasn’t mad at you
jeremystudiod: ok
kate9881: the thing is, i think if i actually were upset about something to do with you, i would feel comfortable voicing it
jeremystudiod: i’m glad
kate9881: if i just get quiet, it’s either nothing, or something that isn’t necessarily related to you
kate9881: when you brought up the class, yeah, i did start worrying about it a bit
jeremystudiod: i didnt’ seriously think you were… but sometimes i just pick up on a weird vibe that maybe something’s going on, and i dont want to pry but i will ask what’s going on anyway because i know that its helpful to me to share what’s going on rather than just sitting with it in my head, but sometimes i feel like taht can be annoying
11:40
jeremystudiod: and i dont want to be like “come on, tell me whats wrong!” either
kate9881: i know
jeremystudiod: its kind of a charged thing for me a little because my dad was always trying to make something wrong so that he could “be the one to take care of it”… so i know that doesn’t have anything to do with you, but its something that i have a bit of a conflict about
kate9881: i mean, i appreciate that you can sometimes tell if i’m feeling weird about something
kate9881: i don’t feel like you’re looking to fix things
kate9881: help, maybe
jeremystudiod: okay
kate9881: although sometimes it’s ok just to let things pass on their own
kate9881: as you sometimes point out
jeremystudiod: just sometimes i feel like i’m making stuff up in order for there to be something i can help with
11:45
kate9881: don’t read too much into it
jeremystudiod: eah
jeremystudiod: yeah
jeremystudiod: can’t always help it
jeremystudiod: i love being able to be there for you when there is stuff going on, and that you can be there for me… there can just be extra complicated stuff around that relationship when i’m in my head about itr
jeremystudiod: it
11:50
kate9881: ok
jeremystudiod: i dunno
jeremystudiod: whatever
jeremystudiod: everythings find
jeremystudiod: fine
jeremystudiod: <3
11:55
jeremystudiod: hooray for brains trying to convince us that things are wrong
kate9881: omg
kate9881: my boss’ boss just scheduled an event for either tomorrow or wednesday
jeremystudiod: eep!
kate9881: i mean, WTF
kate9881: how are they going to find staffing
jeremystudiod: what is it?
kate9881: this Facing Ali screening
12:00
kate9881: this i totally insane
kate9881: and kind of unreasonable
jeremystudiod: what can you do
kate9881: nothing
kate9881: upper management decreeing something from on-high
12:10
jeremystudiod: can you have a convo w your boss about the best way to handle
jeremystudiod: whats your responsibility for it?
kate9881: don’t know yet
kate9881: no class march 29
kate9881: btw
kate9881: it’s passover
jeremystudiod: sweet
kate9881: so no events either
kate9881: could be a good time for a long weekend
jeremystudiod: i was just gonna say that
jeremystudiod: sounds good to me.
kate9881: wohoo
kate9881: i’m making the intern do all the stuff i don’t want to do
jeremystudiod: thats what interns are for
kate9881: exactly
jeremystudiod: as long as one or two of the things might learn her something
kate9881: no it’s good stuff
kate9881: calling around looking for PR contacts
kate9881: it’s not like data entry or anything
jeremystudiod: cool
jeremystudiod: good job
jeremystudiod: i bet that clears your plate a bit
12:20
jeremystudiod: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/technology/personal-tech/the-couple-that-tweets-together-stays-together/article1459458/
kate9881: that’s your friend, right?
jeremystudiod: yea
kate9881: cute
12:50
jeremystudiod: you’re cute
13:05
kate9881: i need to figure out a way that we can do a big trivia contest
13:10
jeremystudiod: ok
13:15
kate9881: it’s for this EW 20th anniversary thing
jeremystudiod: an in-person trivia contest?
kate9881: right
jeremystudiod: didnt’ you do one for the vampire thing?
kate9881: well, it was just part of event
kate9881: this would be like just one big trivia event
13:20
jeremystudiod: ok
jeremystudiod: like at a bar?/
kate9881: no, here
jeremystudiod: i mean
jeremystudiod: similar to trivia nights at bars
kate9881: oh, right
kate9881: yes
jeremystudiod: for EW-related stuff?
13:25
kate9881: well, 20 years of pop culture is the theme
kate9881: it’s a little broad
jeremystudiod: ya think?
kate9881: yeah, it’s EW’s thing
jeremystudiod: are they coming up with questions?
kate9881: they just want to do “an event” celebrating 20 years of pop culture
kate9881: i suggested doing trivia
jeremystudiod: thats such an odd request
jeremystudiod: ‘yay pop culture’!
kate9881: it’s their anniversary
jeremystudiod: what about something around their covers?
kate9881: well, there’s a gallery exhibit
kate9881: but we need a live event
kate9881: how’s your day going?
13:30
jeremystudiod: igj
jeremystudiod: ugh
jeremystudiod: so much stuff to do
13:35
kate9881: oh right
kate9881: because there was stuff from last week
jeremystudiod: yes
13:50
kate9881: <3
jeremystudiod: thanks
jeremystudiod: <3 to you too
13:55
kate9881: my stomach hurts
jeremystudiod: uh oh
jeremystudiod: we ate a lot yesterday
kate9881: i have a horrible nervous feeling
jeremystudiod: just breathe
jeremystudiod: its not going to be as bad as your brain is saying it is.
jeremystudiod: (assuming its connected to your class?)
kate9881: maybe
kate9881: i don’t consciously ‘feel’ that worried
kate9881: but maybe my body feels worried
14:00
jeremystudiod: whatever it is, you’ll get through it.
jeremystudiod: and i’ll be here for additional support
jeremystudiod: oy…sorry…writing proposal documents
kate9881: i just hope i’ll feel better once this is over
kate9881: instead of going over it again and again in my mind and beating myself up
14:05
jeremystudiod: i dont want to push but i do think that being able to go over your patterns with a therapist could be super helpful for when stuff like this comes up.
jeremystudiod: so that it doesn’t have to be a big thing to be scared of
kate9881: well, i haven’t like, purposely avoided calling the therapist. it just hasn’t really been the first thing on my mind. plus i don’t know about the expense
jeremystudiod: i know
jeremystudiod: i’m not suggesting you’re avoiding it at all 🙂 i’m reminding you
jeremystudiod: the website said they have a sliding scale and can make it work for anyone’s budget
kate9881: yeah, but it still costs money, of which i have very little
jeremystudiod: i nkow
jeremystudiod: know
14:10
jeremystudiod: maybe its something your mom could help out with
jeremystudiod: just a thought
jeremystudiod: i dunno…just saying it seems like they’re willing to work with their clients to come up with a payment structure that works. you could always go for the consultation and then decide not to follow up
kate9881: she’s the one who said it wasn’t a good idea!
jeremystudiod: yeah but tahts only after years of saying you should go, no?
14:15
kate9881: i guess she changed her mind at some poitn
jeremystudiod: yeah that was weird…maybe she’s scared you’ll uncover some stuff that’ll make you mad at her
jeremystudiod: moms are complicated
jeremystudiod: dunno, i think if you approached her with ‘i found myself a therapist and was wondering if you could help me cover the costs’, it might work… but i could be wrong
jeremystudiod: i just wouldn’t let the money thing stop you initially, especially since they seem to be really flexible… they usually dont charge for the first session
14:30
jeremystudiod: and please feel free to tell me to back off about it, i dont want you to feel like i’m pushing too hard on it
jeremystudiod: or if its even my business
14:50
kate9881: sorry, i ran to get food
jeremystudiod: word
jeremystudiod: <3
kate9881: i mean, i do think it’s your business, in a way, because you have to deal with me
jeremystudiod: it doesn’t feel like ‘dealing with you’ at all…its more like, i love you and i know what it’s like to be stuck in patterns in certain places in your life, and I know how much having someone to talk to who is trained in such thigns can be helpful… on the other hand, i dont want to be like ‘i know whats best for you, so you need to do this’ and also i know that its a deeply personal decision that only you can figure out if/when would be a good time to take action on
kate9881: i know
kate9881: i just don’t know if i feel comfortable talking to a professional
kate9881: or if i feel like my problems merit that
14:55
jeremystudiod: and on some level i feel like… who am i to be saying this to you… you didn’t ask for my advice or my help, and sometimes the position of ‘advice giver’ can put a distance between me and whoever…even if its just in my head
jeremystudiod: well you wont know until you give it a shot
jeremystudiod: i dont think theres a particular like… ‘how fucked up do you need to be in order to see someone about it’…
jeremystudiod: its not like a doctor that way..its more like… someone who will listen and help you bring some of your patterns more into your conscious mind and enable you to reframe them so that they are manageable and can fade if they are not that useful
15:00
kate9881: i know. i just can’t bring myself to take action on it
jeremystudiod: so let me ask you
jeremystudiod: what would be most helpful for you in terms of my role in this
jeremystudiod: i mean, you will go when you are ready, i know that..and at some point my reminding you about it is not really going to help you take that step…
15:05
kate9881: it’s like everything else in my life. i get excited about it for a day and then kind of drop the ball the next day, and then gradually start to forget about it, and it doesn’t seem important any more
kate9881: i mean, a few weeks ago, whenever you got me the referral, i was like, great, i’ll get right on this
kate9881: and i didn’t really do anything about it
kate9881: and then you gave me her card
kate9881: and i put it in my backpack
jeremystudiod: i’m happy to do whatever you want. if you want me to come with you for the first appt (to stay outside obvs) thats fine… if you want me to sit there while you call, i can do that. if you want me to leave you alone about it, i can do that.
kate9881: and didn’t think about it again until you asked me about it this weekend
jeremystudiod: i just dont want to push you into something that you’re not ready for, because you should be going for you and not because i’m bugging you about it, you know?
kate9881: i don’t feel like you’re ‘bugging’ me about it
jeremystudiod: ok
kate9881: i really don’t
jeremystudiod: ok
jeremystudiod: i’m glad
jeremystudiod: i dont want to be a nag about it, and i dont think you’re somehow ‘flawed’ if you dont want to go right now
kate9881: i just feel like, it’s yet another thing that i failed to follow up on
jeremystudiod: well
jeremystudiod: what if you called right now?
kate9881: and i’m really great at finding excuses not to do stuff
jeremystudiod: this is all stuff you can talk about
jeremystudiod: and learn to resolve
15:10
kate9881: i know. it’s kind of ironic. i just feel already that i probably won’t go through with it
jeremystudiod: i get it
jeremystudiod: i really do
kate9881: maybe that is kind of defeatist, i don’t know
jeremystudiod: the patterns want to keep themselves there.
jeremystudiod: if you call right now, i will help to make sure that you go on your appointment day. i’m happy to go with you
jeremystudiod: my mom used to go with me to drop me off at my therapist in high school
jeremystudiod: it does get easier as you get into a routine about it
jeremystudiod: and if they’re any good they’re quite used to people having a similar block about it, and will know how to address it
kate9881: i’m not going to call today. i’m not even sure i’ll go to my class today
jeremystudiod: still feeling uneasy about it?
15:15
kate9881: uneasy is an understatement
jeremystudiod: can you stop and breathe
jeremystudiod: do you feel panicky?
kate9881: not panic. just dread
jeremystudiod: what is the difference for you?
kate9881: i don’t know, i just feel a sense of dread
jeremystudiod: where is it in your body?
kate9881: and i know that the most effective way to make it stop would be to just drop the class
jeremystudiod: that may be true.. but part of the reason you signed up is so that you could get through moments like this
jeremystudiod: so this could be a great opportunity
15:20
jeremystudiod: when i feel like that (and it doesn’t always work), i try to remember that the dread is just a thought and thoughts arent real… and if that doesn’t work i try to write down what specifically i’m dreading, and what the worst possible outcome could possibly be in reality
jeremystudiod: its usually not ‘bad’ enough to warrant the feeling
kate9881: i know. i get that it’s not rational
jeremystudiod: i know you do
jeremystudiod: i’m just telling you some stuff i do after i recognize that its not rational
jeremystudiod: stuff that sometimes helps
kate9881: yeah, i totally get it. those are good suggestions
kate9881: they just don’t really work for me because i feel like i’m just trying to trick myself into believing something
15:25
jeremystudiod: yes but you’re trying to trick yourself into believing that the class is to be dreaded now anyway
jeremystudiod: nothing makes that more real than doing what i suggested, only your own thoughts
15:40
jeremystudiod: <3
16:20
kate9881: sorry, had another mtg
jeremystudiod: i figured
kate9881: i still feel sick
kate9881: i’m trying so hard to change my thinking about it
jeremystudiod: you dont have to try
kate9881: i just can’t
jeremystudiod: just relax
jeremystudiod: and breathe
16:25
jeremystudiod: it’s going to be okay
jeremystudiod: the thoughts that are creating the feeling are just thoughts..they’re not real
kate9881: i’m thinking about taking some anti-anxiety stuff
jeremystudiod: i was on that for a little bit
jeremystudiod: the thing with anxiety is that most of the fear conencted with an anxiety attack is the fear of an anxiety attack
jeremystudiod: so its a cycle that we can get caught in
jeremystudiod: it is helpful to focus on where the feeling lives in your body and not try to process it analytically
jeremystudiod: its not just a distraction
jeremystudiod: it can help get you out of your head
kate9881: my mom gave me some ativan
jeremystudiod: dunno it
jeremystudiod: dont know that i’d take perscription meds that werent meant for me, especially if i was on other perscription meds
jeremystudiod: prescription?
16:30
kate9881: i’ve take it before
kate9881: i’m not sure it helps that much, but maybe just the placebo effect is enough
jeremystudiod: sure
jeremystudiod: its natural to get stuck in the …
jeremystudiod: bad feeling happens, want bad feeling to go away, its not going away, feel worse, want it to go away, and on and on
jeremystudiod: obvs i do that too
16:45
jeremystudiod: its kind of counterintuitive to just let it happen
jeremystudiod: but it works
16:55
kate9881: i’m trying to ignore it. i’m just too nervous
jeremystudiod: yeah
jeremystudiod: its gonna be fine
jeremystudiod: your thoughts arent real
jeremystudiod: they’re just thoughts
jeremystudiod: theres nothing to fix
17:15
kate9881: i just wish i could Not Care
jeremystudiod: you Do Care…nothing wrong with Caring.. you just Get In Your Own Way about it 🙂
jeremystudiod: we all do
jeremystudiod: Caring isn’t the same as suffering about it
17:20
jeremystudiod: or investing yuor whole identity in it
jeremystudiod: Caring is ‘this may have something valuable for me, but if it doesnt then its okay too’
kate9881: it’s not that i don’t think it will be valuable
kate9881: i hate putting something out there that’s not perfect
kate9881: and i know nothing’s perfect
jeremystudiod: nothing is ever perfect
kate9881: just, being judged by people
kate9881: especially when i don’t feel that great about it myself
jeremystudiod: see i thi nk thats where you get stuck
jeremystudiod: assuming that people are judging you as a person because they are giving you feedback about your work
kate9881: but my work is from my head
jeremystudiod: so?
kate9881: they are passing judgment on my writing ability or my ideas
jeremystudiod: the feedback is about the work
jeremystudiod: they are giving you feedback, not passing judgent
jeremystudiod: judgment
jeremystudiod: you have it all tied together in your head
jeremystudiod: when really even if someone thinks that its a horrible piece of writing (or the best piece of writing they’ve ever heard) its not YOU they’re judging…because you are not just your writing
jeremystudiod: thats a tiny tiny piece of you
jeremystudiod: you give other people a lot of power to decide your own worth when you tie your work into your identity like that
kate9881: i can’t help it
kate9881: that’s just the way i see it
jeremystudiod: i know..its hard
kate9881: it’s very personal
jeremystudiod: but you can adjust
17:25
jeremystudiod: not to make writing less personal, because it can and should come from your heart… but to take feedback and decide whether to act on it or not without having it 100% locked in to your own self-worth
jeremystudiod: so if someone loves it or hates it, its okay, and its a reflection of their personal experiences that they’re coming to the table with and not you as a person
jeremystudiod: and you can take whats valuable from their feedback and ignore the rest
jeremystudiod: without assigning a value to it
jeremystudiod: it just kinda is
jeremystudiod: like life
jeremystudiod: life is just there…its not permanently awesome or permanently awful
jeremystudiod: there are awesome moments and awful moments
jeremystudiod: but trying to make it always awesome and never awful just gets us in trouble because we cant’ really control those things.
kate9881: i know
jeremystudiod: so its the same with this
jeremystudiod: its just feedback
kate9881: i mean, that’s my problem, i don’t want to hear feedback unless it’s like “this is the best thing EVER!!!”
kate9881: which is insane and not possible
jeremystudiod: these are things that a therapist can help with
jeremystudiod: actually my mom is a recovering perfectionist
jeremystudiod: i bet she’d have some good advice
jeremystudiod: and i think theres some stuff in Radical Acceptance about it too
kate9881: i’m not a perfectionist. or at least i don’t see myself that
kate9881: way
kate9881: unless i just don’t realize it. ha
jeremystudiod: it sounds like you have some stuff connected to it though
jeremystudiod: it has to be perfect or not at all
jeremystudiod: maybe thats why you have trouble following through on some stuff sometimes
jeremystudiod: like…it needs to be a certain way or you wont do it
17:30
kate9881: hm
kate9881: i dunno
jeremystudiod: i dunno either
jeremystudiod: just a thought
kate9881: i never really thought of it that way
jeremystudiod: its pretty common
jeremystudiod: its the whole fear of uncertainty thing
kate9881: yeah
jeremystudiod: and its totally something you dont have to be stuck with
jeremystudiod: there are lots of tools and ways to adjust your thinking on it so it doesn’t affect you nearly as strongly
17:45
kate9881: i always find it amazing when people i know give me something they’ve written in order to give them feedback
kate9881: because i’m just not the type of person who would ever do that
17:50
jeremystudiod: you never know
kate9881: there’s too much opportunity to look like an idiot
jeremystudiod: i know i never thought i’d be in a great relationship like this, even this time last year..thought i’d always be stuck in relationships that were either codependent or half-assed
jeremystudiod: and that nobody would really “get” me because i’m nerdy and a lot of my tastes are girly and i’m into random stuff
jeremystudiod: i always had to tone myself down to avoid ‘looking like an idiot’
kate9881: yeah, but you’re not really inviting people to critique you
kate9881: i mean, i get what you’re saying
jeremystudiod: i dont think its that different
17:55
jeremystudiod: and i mean at least early on, when i’d share something with you, i’d kind of brace myself to say “well is this the thing thats gonna have her think i’m too weird to stick around with?”
jeremystudiod: i mean, more with other people than with you
jeremystudiod: but
jeremystudiod: its a similar thing
kate9881: you never said anything that weird 😉
jeremystudiod: sharing something about yourself
jeremystudiod: this may come as a surprise to you but not everyone has been as fine with my predilection for WB shows as you 😛
jeremystudiod: but i recognize that thats more about them than about me
kate9881: i get it, i mean, i totally have this need to be seen as “cool” in front of everyone, including my closest friends
kate9881: you’re one of the first people that i don’t feel that pressure
jeremystudiod: you are cool
kate9881: cool doesn’t really mean anything
jeremystudiod: exactly
jeremystudiod: i find i’m less concerned with what people think of me lately and more concerned with being myself
kate9881: that’s great
jeremystudiod: because if people dont like me for being myself, thats their problem
kate9881: i mean, that’s the way to be
jeremystudiod: and they’re missing out
kate9881: i’ve been trying to get into that mindset too
jeremystudiod: you’ll get there
18:00
jeremystudiod: i mean, it took a lot of time stuck in self-hatred and a bunch of therapy
jeremystudiod: but i think that its more abotu recognizing that we all have our reasons for being a certain way and that if someone hates me, its not because of me as much as whatever circumstances brought them to where they are in their lives
kate9881: it’s just that i have totally been trying to look at it this way all week. and still i have these horrible stomach pains
jeremystudiod: its okay
jeremystudiod: it takes time to retrain yourself
18:05
jeremystudiod: the synapses causing the stomach pain reaction are tightly wired
jeremystudiod: what time are you heading out?
18:10
kate9881: 6:40 maybe
jeremystudiod: is that when you usually go?
kate9881: yeah
jeremystudiod: okie
jeremystudiod: (i didn’t remembeR)
kate9881: starts at 7
18:15
jeremystudiod: <3
18:25
kate9881: it’s almost time
kate9881: 🙁
jeremystudiod: dont be 🙁 about it
jeremystudiod: it’s gonna be fine
jeremystudiod: listen to your ipod on the way…something cheery
jeremystudiod: the “:(” is your choice..you can choose something else
kate9881: i don’t think i can choose
kate9881: i just feel scared and bad
kate9881: i’d LOVE to feel something else
jeremystudiod: you can choose
kate9881: i don’t get that
kate9881: feelings are reactions
kate9881: i can’t choose how to feel
jeremystudiod: you can
jeremystudiod: you can choose how seriously to take your thoughts
jeremystudiod: and that affects your emotion
18:30
jeremystudiod: it seems counterintuitive
jeremystudiod: but you can choose to not let yoru emotions rule your existence from moment to moment
jeremystudiod: because they change and shift all the time
kate9881: that sounds right
kate9881: but i just to get how to apply that to me
kate9881: at least not in the next 30 mins
jeremystudiod: hehe
jeremystudiod: well its hard to do under pressure
jeremystudiod: i think in the next 30 minutes your goal should be to just relax as much as you can
jeremystudiod: and if thats only a little bit then thats okay
jeremystudiod: and whenever you find yourself analyzing or going around and aroudn, stop and take a deep breath
jeremystudiod: and then do it again
kate9881: yeah
kate9881: ok
kate9881: makes sense
jeremystudiod: and dont beat yoruself up for having the thoughts, but dont believe them either
jeremystudiod: its just part of our programming
jeremystudiod: you dont have to fix it for all time right now
jeremystudiod: its like
jeremystudiod: we’re set up to forget that our analytical thoughts arent ‘real’
jeremystudiod: and we can learn to remind ourselves more and more often
jeremystudiod: it takes practice
jeremystudiod: but we can learn to be “oh those thoughts are here again, that’s interesting”
jeremystudiod: not all the time
jeremystudiod: but whenever we can
18:35
jeremystudiod: how does that feel?
kate9881: yeah, i get it
kate9881: ok, gotta go
jeremystudiod: ok
kate9881: talk later
jeremystudiod: i looooove you
jeremystudiod: <3
kate9881: love you too
kate9881: a lot and a lot
jeremystudiod: 🙂
kate9881: you are a calming presence
jeremystudiod: i do my best
jeremystudiod: getting worked up rarely solves anything
18:40
kate9881: bye
jeremystudiod: lates
jeremystudiod: <3

Written by admin

February 8th, 2010 at 12:19 am

Posted in Kate

Sex convo with Kate

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11:30:18 PM kate9881: so, this might be a sudden topic change
11:30:48 PM kate9881: but i was thinking a little bit about last night
11:31:16 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
11:31:53 PM kate9881: and to be honest, i was so tired and kind of drained that i’m not really sure i made sense
11:32:10 PM Jeremy Meyers: hmm
11:32:18 PM kate9881: and also i was kind of confused myself
11:32:27 PM Jeremy Meyers: well
11:32:38 PM kate9881: about why i had these feelings kind of out of the blue
11:32:47 PM Jeremy Meyers: would it be helpful for me to share what i think you were saying?
11:32:57 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean, what i hear
11:32:57 PM Jeremy Meyers: d
11:33:04 PM kate9881: oh, well, if you want
11:34:10 PM Jeremy Meyers: well to me it sounded like you were kind of exhausted, too much o play, but because you felt like i was ‘in the mood’ and into it, you were just gonna do it for my sake, and that brought up a bunch of stuff where you’d been in situations like that before with people who were less respectful of your feelings, and then the conflict between those relationships and our relationships caused some friction in your mind
11:34:47 PM Jeremy Meyers: is that close?
11:35:12 PM kate9881: um, well sort of
11:35:25 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok…well, you finish, then…sorry to cut in 🙂
11:35:30 PM kate9881: i mean, i knew i was really tired all of a sudden
11:35:58 PM kate9881: but i wasn’t going to necessarily try to power through something
11:36:30 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
11:36:31 PM kate9881: i mean, i feel comfortable just telling you
11:36:41 PM Jeremy Meyers: of course
11:36:57 PM kate9881: and i am pretty much always down. but sleep was just winning
11:37:02 PM Jeremy Meyers: i’m trying to remember if that was the first time one of us ‘stopped in the middle’ because we were tired
11:38:10 PM Jeremy Meyers: well yeah, totally understandable… and to be honest i wasn’t necessarily awake enough for like a full thing…i was just feeling really close to you and kissing you and stuff..it seemed more intimate than purely sexual, to me at least
11:38:18 PM kate9881: no i know
11:38:37 PM kate9881: i got that
11:38:47 PM Jeremy Meyers: were you feeling that too?
11:38:53 PM kate9881: and it was enjoyable, but i didn’t want to just lay there like a lump
11:39:19 PM Jeremy Meyers: which made me wonder if maybe the fact that it was more intimate lead to something being triggered that made you want to pull away a little
11:39:32 PM kate9881: well actulaly
11:39:35 PM kate9881: it wasn’t that
11:40:04 PM kate9881: it was more when we first came into your room
11:40:15 PM Jeremy Meyers: not that i think you dont want to be intimate with me… just never know what combination of stuff could trigger something
11:40:26 PM Jeremy Meyers: oh.. yeah
11:40:51 PM Jeremy Meyers: was just playing around
11:40:56 PM kate9881: i was just kind of confused by that for some reason
11:41:27 PM kate9881: i actually think that may have triggered something a little bit
11:41:50 PM Jeremy Meyers: i dunno…just had the urge to bend you over and take you from behind a little… after getting eac other all worked up on the couch
11:42:02 PM Jeremy Meyers: could kinda tell that was uncomfortable for you tho
11:42:12 PM kate9881: i mean, in general, i actually find that pretty hot
11:42:28 PM kate9881: but i just didn’t really know what you were doing
11:42:28 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
11:42:43 PM Jeremy Meyers: hmm
11:42:44 PM kate9881: and it just called to mind some bad things
11:42:54 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
11:43:15 PM kate9881: i don’t know, i just felt kind of weird after that
11:43:30 PM Jeremy Meyers: well i didn’t mean to hit a trigger, obviously
11:43:50 PM kate9881: of course
11:44:02 PM kate9881: i mean
11:44:32 PM kate9881: i didn’t really even want to bring this up, because i didn’t want you to feel weird about it
11:44:37 PM Jeremy Meyers: and i dont know…our playtime has been great and its also been somewhat defined in its scope…not a complaint, just what we’ve been doing
11:45:11 PM kate9881: yeah, and that’s one reason why i don’t want you to think that something’s off-limits, because it’s not
11:45:24 PM Jeremy Meyers: no i mean i dont feel weird about it….sometimes hitting triggers is just something that happens, and we talk about it and get through
11:45:29 PM kate9881: i mean, from behind is one of my favorites in general
11:45:38 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
11:45:58 PM kate9881: but i guess i was just confused about whether you were more joking around or what
11:46:28 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i kinda feel like we’re still feeling each other out (awww yea) on experimenting a little more
11:47:17 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i think we both know where our common interests lie and stuff
11:47:50 PM Jeremy Meyers: but in the grand scheme, there’s still a bunch of stuff we haven’t done yet
11:48:33 PM Jeremy Meyers: and to answer your question, i dunno if i wa trying to be funny…i guess a little but that doesn’t mean i wasn’t also goin for some good feelings
11:49:04 PM kate9881: well, i know and that’s why i’m saying, i was reluctant to make a ‘thing’ out of it.  because i didn’t want it to turn into something it’s not, or discourage you from anything
11:49:24 PM Jeremy Meyers: yeah i understand
11:49:24 PM Jeremy Meyers: but
11:49:51 PM Jeremy Meyers: for me, saying nothing is wrong when clearly something is going on makes is more weird than just talking about it
11:49:58 PM Jeremy Meyers: makes IT more weird
11:50:27 PM kate9881: well, yes, but i guess i didn’t really realize it at the time
11:50:39 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
11:51:09 PM kate9881: i remember going into the bathroom and still feeling pretty turned on and stuff
11:51:25 PM kate9881: but then i just ended up getting tired and kind of tuning out
11:51:44 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
11:52:15 PM kate9881: so i don’t know, that’s the whole story as i remember it.
11:52:26 PM kate9881: well, i mean, then i felt bad about laying there like a lump
11:52:35 PM kate9881: and that brought up some upsetting feelings, etc.
11:52:37 PM Jeremy Meyers: heh
11:52:55 PM Jeremy Meyers: well now you know for next time you can just say that you’re tired
11:53:08 PM Jeremy Meyers: i know its not an excuse
11:53:15 PM Jeremy Meyers: or whatever
11:53:56 PM kate9881: i know
11:54:41 PM Jeremy Meyers: i’m pretty clear on you being into playing with me, so i do my best to ‘get’ that its not a personal thing if you’re actually too tired or feel off or whatever
11:55:06 PM kate9881: yes, not personal
11:55:08 PM kate9881: of course not
11:55:35 PM kate9881: but i’ve been on both sides of that fence, and i know it can be frustrating
11:57:12 PM Jeremy Meyers: well its not like i was superhorny and felt like you were leaving me high and dry
11:57:38 PM kate9881: i know
11:57:53 PM Jeremy Meyers: or that you’d somehow gotten me all worked up and then stopped
11:57:58 PM Jeremy Meyers: it was late
11:58:02 PM kate9881: it’s not like geting ‘the tap’ or something
11:58:10 PM Jeremy Meyers: the tap?
11:58:17 PM kate9881: seinfeld reference
11:58:20 PM kate9881: sorry
11:58:23 PM Jeremy Meyers: can’t remember
11:58:45 PM kate9881: the tap is when you’re like tap tap tap on the back “please stop doing whatever you’re doing”
11:58:48 PM Jeremy Meyers: ohh
11:59:05 PM kate9881: george gets the tap
12:01:05 AM Jeremy Meyers: and as for the rest of it, if something gets triggered  and you have emotions come up and feel like crying, then by all means do so and i will hold you until it passes… you dont have to ‘keep it together’ for me… i mean, theres obviously some stuff there, and a therapist could help you look at it, but in the moment, you can just let it happen. it honestly doesn’t change how i think of you or my feelings about you
12:01:23 AM Jeremy Meyers: and you dont have to feel bad about it
12:01:52 AM kate9881: i know and i appreciate that
12:02:07 AM kate9881: but i don’t really like crying in front of people
12:02:14 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’m not people
12:02:20 AM kate9881: and also i think it’s kind of misleading
12:02:55 AM kate9881: i think sometimes i’m crying because i just feel a lot or feel an overwhelming sense of relief that i don’t have to worry about some things
12:03:16 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah
12:03:18 AM Jeremy Meyers: makes sense
12:03:27 AM kate9881: sometimes i realize that i’ve had certain worries for like 10 years
12:03:36 AM kate9881: that i never even realized
12:03:49 AM kate9881: sorry, that made no sense
12:03:51 AM kate9881: hahaha
12:03:55 AM Jeremy Meyers: well thats great that you’re noticing them rather than having them stay as automatic processes
12:03:59 AM Jeremy Meyers: i knew what you meant
12:04:07 AM Jeremy Meyers: thats why i tend to ask “whats going on” rather than “whats wrong”
12:04:38 AM kate9881: but it’s like, because you’re you and you’re wonderful, i’m like “oh, it doesn’t need to be like that”
12:04:49 AM Jeremy Meyers: 🙂
12:05:11 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’m glad that my awesomeness can help put to rest some assumptions
12:06:14 AM Jeremy Meyers: which sounds glib but it really does mean a lot to me that someone i think is so amazing and means so much to me is so appreciative of who i am
12:06:37 AM Jeremy Meyers: thats not exactly what i meant, but you get it
12:06:41 AM kate9881: yes
12:07:33 AM Jeremy Meyers: so
12:07:33 AM kate9881: so i think part of the crying was just unloading some pent up stuff and realizing that i don’t have to have some of these anxieties
12:07:38 AM kate9881: because you’re the best
12:07:40 AM Jeremy Meyers: oh yeah totally get it
12:08:04 AM Jeremy Meyers: i kind of visualize it as these pockets of emotion that we store
12:08:15 AM Jeremy Meyers: and sometimes we can trigger something near the pockets so they rupture
12:08:18 AM Jeremy Meyers: and they come out
12:08:39 AM Jeremy Meyers: and either we reabsorb the pain or we can let it out
12:09:23 AM Jeremy Meyers: i dunno, maybe thats weird
12:09:25 AM kate9881: yeah that makes sense
12:09:34 AM kate9881: no, not weird
12:11:02 AM Jeremy Meyers: so i mean, you dont have to feel bad if tears come for whatever reason when we’re together…be it sadness or relief or anything
12:11:22 AM Jeremy Meyers: just would be appreciated if you’d share what it feels like its about, as you’re ready
12:11:26 AM Jeremy Meyers: (which you do)
12:12:31 AM kate9881: yeah, i try, but sometimes i’m not sure myself and it’s just hard to speak, literally
12:12:41 AM Jeremy Meyers: yea
12:13:11 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’ll try not to rush you or anything…just harder for me to know whats going on without any kind of context
12:13:32 AM kate9881: yes, i totally understand
12:13:36 AM Jeremy Meyers: wow, talk about an obvious statement
12:13:37 AM Jeremy Meyers: he
12:13:37 AM Jeremy Meyers: h
12:13:41 AM Jeremy Meyers: if i dont know, i dont know!
12:13:41 AM Jeremy Meyers: 😉
12:13:42 AM kate9881: one reason, i try to hold it in
12:13:58 AM kate9881: just, knowing i’ll have to explain and stuff
12:14:00 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah see i think for me tat would be like reabsorbing
12:14:07 AM Jeremy Meyers: would you rather i not ask?
12:14:17 AM kate9881: no, you can ask
12:14:28 AM kate9881: i mean, i would probably say something
12:14:56 AM kate9881: it just takes me some time to stop the swirl of thoughts and talk
12:15:10 AM Jeremy Meyers: ok
12:15:13 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean
12:15:38 AM Jeremy Meyers: i dont think that theres anything about last night that was like… ‘gee i wish it had gone differently’
12:16:13 AM kate9881: well, i think that a bit
12:16:14 AM kate9881: but
12:16:23 AM kate9881: ah well
12:16:40 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean in terms of what came up and how we communicated about it
12:17:04 AM kate9881: yeah i know, but i wish i had done some things differently
12:17:06 AM kate9881: but it’s ok
12:17:12 AM kate9881: that’s why i brought it up again
12:17:20 AM Jeremy Meyers: there ya go
12:17:27 AM kate9881: and like i said, for the record, i do really like stuff from behind or being bent over or whatever
12:17:36 AM Jeremy Meyers: well
12:18:20 AM kate9881: i think i was just kind of caught off-guard
12:18:28 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean to be honest, it doesn’t exactly make it weird, but it does make me a little concerned about hitting a trigger next time i decide to try something new
12:20:27 AM Jeremy Meyers: but we can work that out
12:20:31 AM Jeremy Meyers: not worried
12:20:39 AM kate9881: srsly, don’t be too concerned
12:21:06 AM kate9881: i think it’s probably time to change it up or add stuff or try different things
12:21:19 AM Jeremy Meyers: sure
12:21:23 AM Jeremy Meyers: not that i’m bored
12:21:26 AM Jeremy Meyers: but yes
12:21:30 AM Jeremy Meyers: lets do it
12:21:42 AM kate9881: ok good
12:21:50 AM Jeremy Meyers: 🙂
12:22:13 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’ll get the handcuffs you get the butt plugs and salami
12:23:20 AM Jeremy Meyers: i still want you to ride my face 😛
12:24:01 AM kate9881: handcuffs AND salami?
12:24:12 AM Jeremy Meyers: you know…taste you at an angle that doesn’t involve me craning my neck against the couch
12:24:15 AM Jeremy Meyers: heh
12:24:25 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah you heard me.
12:24:49 AM kate9881: hey, i wasn’t really expecting that so…didn’t have angles in mind while lounging on couch
12:24:59 AM Jeremy Meyers: i know
12:25:47 AM Jeremy Meyers: i think we may be getting used to the whole morning handjob/fingering in bed thing….not that thats not enjoyable
12:26:09 AM kate9881: yes i agree
12:26:27 AM Jeremy Meyers: just dunno what comes next or whatever
12:26:58 AM Jeremy Meyers: and almost dont want to plan it…
12:27:00 AM kate9881: do we need to watch more WB shows
12:27:26 AM Jeremy Meyers: wb shows would never approve of our activities
12:27:37 AM kate9881: true
12:27:43 AM Jeremy Meyers: tho actually now that you mention it
12:27:55 AM Jeremy Meyers: this may sound weird but it almost seems like we’re doin the wb thing
12:28:01 AM kate9881: but i mean, it has been a pretty long time not to do it
12:28:12 AM Jeremy Meyers: not to watch wb shows?
12:28:18 AM kate9881: yes, exactly
12:28:31 AM Jeremy Meyers: ok now i’m confused
12:30:05 AM Jeremy Meyers: to me it feels like we may be doin the ‘well the next step after what we’ve been doing is full on sex’ which is silly because its not even true given our existing repertoire (oral, etc)
12:30:40 AM kate9881: well, you asked what we could do next
12:30:48 AM kate9881: that is one thing we are not currently doing
12:30:53 AM Jeremy Meyers: oral?
12:30:57 AM kate9881: no, SEX
12:30:59 AM Jeremy Meyers: oh
12:31:00 AM Jeremy Meyers: heh
12:31:00 AM Jeremy Meyers: yes
12:31:02 AM kate9881: sorry intercourse
12:31:09 AM Jeremy Meyers: we can
12:31:13 AM kate9881: i mean, we can do more oral too of course
12:31:29 AM Jeremy Meyers: i did really enjoy 69ing with you
12:31:38 AM kate9881: yeah totally
12:31:42 AM Jeremy Meyers: and rimming
12:32:47 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i feel like i’m really close to doing the sex thing..it seems weird to say ‘i almost feel ready’ or something…so girly
12:33:29 AM kate9881: why do you think you haven’t felt ‘ready’ ?
12:33:43 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’m still a little in my head about it
12:33:54 AM Jeremy Meyers: and it feels like a big deal with you
12:34:17 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i think some of our dirty talk when we’re playing about it has been hot
12:34:47 AM kate9881: does it need to be that big of a deal though?  isn’t that kind of WB?
12:35:05 AM Jeremy Meyers: maybe it is
12:35:07 AM kate9881: i mean, i feel like we’ve been very intimate with other stuff
12:35:10 AM Jeremy Meyers: we have
12:35:34 AM Jeremy Meyers: and maybe the extent of our sex life isn’t a 100% match for where we are emotionally, i dunno
12:36:13 AM Jeremy Meyers: but i dont think i’ve ever had sex as an expression of love before…it kinda feels like being a virgin again…maybe thats overthinking
12:36:48 AM kate9881: no i get it
12:36:59 AM kate9881: i haven’t had that either
12:37:23 AM kate9881: i mean, sex is usually a regular part of my random hook-up routine
12:37:32 AM Jeremy Meyers: right
12:37:48 AM kate9881: so i don’t really tend to think of it as a special sacred thing or whatever
12:37:55 AM Jeremy Meyers: yea
12:38:47 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i dont know that i think of it as sacred, but it definitely feels more ‘important’ with you… as i said, like being a virgin again
12:38:57 AM Jeremy Meyers: which i guess does put pressure on it
12:39:18 AM Jeremy Meyers: but at the same time i don’t necessarily want to just do it
12:39:27 AM kate9881: yeah, i think that might be building up some tough expectations
12:39:39 AM kate9881: i don’t think it needs to be either/or
12:39:56 AM Jeremy Meyers: well i’m not expecting fireworks and magic and life-altering everything
12:40:14 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah i understand
12:40:16 AM kate9881: well, we have a long time to work up to that
12:40:22 AM Jeremy Meyers: of course
12:41:19 AM Jeremy Meyers: i guess it just feels right now like it’d be a leap from what we’ve been doing lately… like… if we were just kissing and touchhign each other, to suddenly go for a condom would be like… big step
12:41:48 AM Jeremy Meyers: this all seems kinda silly when i’m ‘sayin it out loud’
12:42:02 AM kate9881: yeah, i mean, i see where you’re coming from
12:42:10 AM Jeremy Meyers: especially since we’ve had sex already
12:42:18 AM kate9881: but for me, i’m thinking of it kind of the opposite way
12:42:19 AM Jeremy Meyers: but obvs we were in a different place in our relationhip at that point
12:42:25 AM Jeremy Meyers: oh?
12:43:05 AM kate9881: like, the longer it doesn’t happen, the more i worry about it.  well, not ‘worry’ exactly
12:43:14 AM kate9881: but it becomes more of a thing
12:43:43 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i can see that, but in the grand scheme, this isn’t really that long in terms of how long couples wait to have sex
12:43:44 AM kate9881: not that i’m demanding to do it asap
12:44:02 AM kate9881: well, i’m not trying to compare to other people
12:44:06 AM Jeremy Meyers: i know
12:44:25 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’m just saying i think both of us may have a bit of a skewed perception when it comes to timelines
12:44:29 AM kate9881: i mean, for us, i do think it’s kind of a lengthy period of time
12:44:50 AM Jeremy Meyers: because of our closeness otherwise?
12:44:55 AM kate9881: right
12:44:59 AM Jeremy Meyers: hmm
12:45:01 AM Jeremy Meyers: interesting
12:45:54 AM Jeremy Meyers: i dont necessariliy feel that same pressure…i feel like when the moment takes us and we can’t not be having sex anymore, then it’ll happen. and i kinda feel like its coming sooner than later
12:47:10 AM kate9881: well, i just don’t know if i would recognize “can’t not be having sex anymore”
12:47:27 AM kate9881: vs. just being really turned on and wanting to
12:47:41 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i know i have some stuff around sex and intercourse … and i dont want to feel like i’m depriving you or something
12:47:51 AM kate9881: and i don’t know how i’d even feel about expressing that
12:48:16 AM kate9881: because what if i felt like “now’s totally The Time” and you didn’t
12:48:30 AM Jeremy Meyers: then we figure it out
12:48:37 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i have the same fear
12:49:07 AM Jeremy Meyers: mine’s more ‘what if you feel like nows totally The Time and i cant perform like last time’
12:50:32 AM kate9881: well, “can’t perform” is not how i would interpret it
12:50:40 AM Jeremy Meyers: maybe not
12:50:46 AM kate9881: and plus, i have plenty of anxieties of my own
12:50:56 AM Jeremy Meyers: but thats how the fear says it
12:50:58 AM kate9881: it’s not like you’re just out there on a limb all alone
12:51:12 AM Jeremy Meyers: well we dont really talk about it
12:51:29 AM Jeremy Meyers: or haven’t
12:51:39 AM Jeremy Meyers: beyond that we both want to have sex with each other lots
12:52:57 AM kate9881: yes
12:53:07 AM kate9881: well i’m kind of reluctant to bring it up
12:53:23 AM Jeremy Meyers: why
12:54:12 AM kate9881: because of what i said before, about being concerned that i’d say i wanted to and you wouldn’t
12:54:56 AM Jeremy Meyers: well since we’re both nervous about that, it seems like we’ve stalemated ourselves out of sexin at the moment
12:54:57 AM Jeremy Meyers: heh
12:57:19 AM Jeremy Meyers: it really is like being a virgin again
12:57:31 AM kate9881: but i just want to say, even if something didn’t quite go perfectly, i wouldn’t get demoralized
12:57:59 AM Jeremy Meyers: ok
12:58:16 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i dont expect sex to be perfect…wouldn’t be fun if it wasn’t a little messy
12:58:27 AM kate9881: no, of course
12:58:55 AM Jeremy Meyers: its like that thing i was talking about about just getting to the other side of the door
12:59:40 AM Jeremy Meyers: and i guess i mean… right now in my head it feels like the progression hasn’t quite gotten to the sex part quite yet
1:00:02 AM Jeremy Meyers: and i dont know if it has anything to do with how close we are emotionally and intimatelly
1:00:03 AM Jeremy Meyers: whoa
1:00:05 AM Jeremy Meyers: intimately
1:01:05 AM Jeremy Meyers: and maybe i’m overthinking and believe me i want you a lot
1:01:46 AM Jeremy Meyers: and it does feel a little weird and silly being on this side of the discussion
1:02:19 AM kate9881: i mean, it doesn’t really feel great over here either
1:02:32 AM Jeremy Meyers: aw see…
1:02:51 AM Jeremy Meyers: maybe we should talk about this in person rather than via IM?
1:03:18 AM Jeremy Meyers: i dont think i’m explaining where i am with it clearly
1:03:59 AM kate9881: no, i mean IM is not the ideal medium, of course
1:05:31 AM Jeremy Meyers: i want to be inside you really a lot a lot. but i also feel like because i love you so much, it feels like i want it to be in a moment thats meaningful and natural and ‘for the right reasons’ and not because we’re worried that its been too long or something
1:06:05 AM kate9881: i understand. and i’m not saying, let’s just fuck just to do it
1:06:42 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean, that having been said, who knows, we may still just end up doin it randomly over the weekend or someting
Changed status to Offline (1:07:17 AM)
Changed status to Online (1:07:57 AM)
1:08:28 AM Jeremy Meyers: Jeremy Meyers
i mean, that having been said, who knows, we may still just end up doin it randomly over the weekend or someting
1:09:39 AM Jeremy Meyers: you okay over there?
1:09:57 AM kate9881: yeah
1:10:05 AM Jeremy Meyers: internet fail?
1:10:16 AM kate9881: i just got the same IM twice
1:10:21 AM Jeremy Meyers: ook
1:10:31 AM Jeremy Meyers: it said you’d signed off
1:10:38 AM kate9881: oh. nope
1:10:50 AM Jeremy Meyers: finish your thought?
1:10:51 AM kate9881: i think AIM is just being weird on gchat
1:10:54 AM Jeremy Meyers: ah
1:11:09 AM kate9881: this is the last thing i said
1:11:10 AM kate9881: me:  ok, but i think that’s where i’m like, almost feeling like i am never expecting that
1:11:34 AM Jeremy Meyers: never expecting what?
1:11:54 AM kate9881: oh, IM context fail
1:11:58 AM Jeremy Meyers: hee
1:12:03 AM kate9881: expecting to randomly do it over a weekend
1:12:23 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah i think thats what i was talking about before about expanding our repertoire
1:12:28 AM Jeremy Meyers: so that it would be more of a natural progression
1:12:47 AM kate9881: but what is really in between
1:13:40 AM Jeremy Meyers: well i mean at the moment its been just fingering and handjobs and occasionally oral
1:14:34 AM Jeremy Meyers: not that that hasn’t been fun
1:14:38 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i dunno
1:15:48 AM kate9881: it’s late.  i don’t really feel like talking about this more
1:15:57 AM Jeremy Meyers: ok you’re probably right
1:16:09 AM Jeremy Meyers: less talk more action, right?
1:16:22 AM kate9881: i’m just tired
1:16:23 AM Jeremy Meyers: like you and your job
1:16:35 AM kate9881: and i feel like we’re going around in circles
1:16:38 AM Jeremy Meyers: we are
1:16:41 AM Jeremy Meyers: you’re riht
1:16:43 AM Jeremy Meyers: right
1:16:51 AM Jeremy Meyers: no way out when we go around in circles
1:18:20 AM Jeremy Meyers: i think that we will figure it out
1:18:25 AM Jeremy Meyers: or we will make it happen
1:18:28 AM Jeremy Meyers: more accurately
1:18:46 AM kate9881: ok, going to bed now
1:18:50 AM Jeremy Meyers: ok
1:18:52 AM Jeremy Meyers: i love you
1:18:56 AM Jeremy Meyers: you’re the best
1:18:57 AM Jeremy Meyers: <3
1:19:36 AM kate9881: love you
1:19:39 AM kate9881: ‘night
1:19:44 AM Jeremy Meyers: sleep well
1:19:50 AM Jeremy Meyers: no worries
Changed status to Offline (1:19:51 AM)

Written by admin

January 28th, 2010 at 11:45 pm

Posted in Kate