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advice junkie

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(12:39:37 PM) jeremystudiod: i’m such an advice junkie
(12:39:41 PM) jeremystudiod: (12:37:04 PM) aardvark@d9.vark.com: (From Allison O./26/F/Washington,DC)
how can I be more open to dating, when I am an independent woman who works full time and is generally thinks most men are lame

(Type ‘pass’ to skip, or ‘more’ for extra options.)
(12:39:54 PM) jeremystudiod: (12:39:22 PM) jeremystudiod: it sounds like you may need to take a look at yourself and what might be holding you back from being more open to the opportunities that come your way. In my mind ‘independent’ (not that there’s anything wrong with that) can also be a euphemism for ‘closed off to connection’. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you won’t still be driven and in charge of your own life, but ideally it means you’re part of a team, too. Most men may be lame, but going into each new experience expecting lameness will probably get you exactly what you think you’re going to get. Lameness can be an interesting learning experience in figuring out what you want and don’t want. I hope this is helpful!
12:40
(12:40:31 PM) kate9881: um
(12:40:40 PM) kate9881: you are a very strange man
(12:40:58 PM) jeremystudiod: why am i strange? helping people feels good
(12:41:16 PM) jeremystudiod: if more people helped each other, the world would be a better place
(12:41:39 PM) kate9881: i just find it funny/endearing that you take time to try and help people with relationship problems
(12:42:16 PM) kate9881: that’s not the advice i would have given though
(12:42:21 PM) jeremystudiod: no? what would you have said?
(12:42:45 PM) jeremystudiod: its not just relationship problems…i just happen to have my aardvark profile set to answer questions about relationships, amongst other things
(12:42:54 PM) kate9881: yeah i know
(12:42:59 PM) kate9881: 80s movies, remember
(12:43:09 PM) jeremystudiod: i’m interested in how people interact with each other, and what holds them back from experiencing things fully
(12:44:11 PM) kate9881: personally, i think that anyone who takes the step of asking such a question on aardvark is not closed off
(12:44:24 PM) kate9881: she probably has just recently experienced some jerks
(12:44:44 PM) kate9881: and the only thing you can do is keep putting yourself out there
12:45
(12:45:02 PM) jeremystudiod: well… being self-aware about it certainly leads to asking the question… i meant closed-off as in expecting to be let down, not like… shut down to everything
(12:45:27 PM) kate9881: well
(12:45:48 PM) kate9881: i don’t necessarily think its the same thing
(12:45:56 PM) kate9881: she didn’t write enough to know
(12:45:59 PM) jeremystudiod: no
(12:46:13 PM) kate9881: but i just think it sounds like she’s had a string of duds
(12:46:43 PM) kate9881: and it’s hard to go in with optimism every time you have a first date or whatever
(12:46:45 PM) jeremystudiod: it just seemed like she was in that mindset where its like ‘im out here on my own living my life, and i want a boyfriend, but everyone i meet sucks’
(12:48:03 PM) jeremystudiod: but maybe i couldve been ‘dont let the last few guys lameness get you down, the right one is out there’
(12:48:32 PM) jeremystudiod: i just think its interesting, the specific details people include in questions like that… like… whats the most important thing someone needs to know about me in order to give me advice
(12:48:41 PM) kate9881: right
(12:48:43 PM) jeremystudiod: the things she put were ‘independent’ ‘works full time’ ‘most men are lame’
(12:48:56 PM) kate9881: but i think that that’s common to like 99% of all single women
(12:49:10 PM) jeremystudiod: which to me means that she doesn’t want to be ‘tied down’ with a relationship, she has her own life and her own priorities, and hasn’t found someone who meets her expectations
(12:49:43 PM) kate9881: not necessarily
12:50
(12:50:03 PM) kate9881: look, i would’ve said the same thing, like immediately before we started going out
(12:50:47 PM) jeremystudiod: of course
(12:51:54 PM) jeremystudiod: i just think its always valuable to take a second and say ‘well, when i say im independent, what does that really mean in terms of what i want from a relationship and from a potential partner. Is that a valuable definition or are parts of it contributing to me not being in a relationship’
(12:53:23 PM) kate9881: i guess. but i mean, i never had that conversation with myself
(12:53:38 PM) jeremystudiod: not that thers like… something wrong with being independent
(12:53:59 PM) jeremystudiod: well she doesn’t have to take my advice ๐Ÿ™‚
12:55
(12:56:23 PM) kate9881: i guess i just think that some people probably need to do figure out some stuff for themselves or whatever, but sometimes it just works out
(12:56:31 PM) kate9881: without all the personal soulsearching
(12:56:43 PM) jeremystudiod: right
(12:56:45 PM) kate9881: it just has to be the right time for both people
(12:56:57 PM) kate9881: and the right two people
(12:57:11 PM) kate9881: and if she keeps looking, she’ll probably find a good one
(12:57:18 PM) jeremystudiod: yeah but i think maybe you dont give yourself enough credit for being open to the possibility at the beginning
(12:57:24 PM) kate9881: the more she looks, the more she’ll know what she wants
(12:57:32 PM) jeremystudiod: yeah i mean thats what i was saying at the end
(12:57:36 PM) kate9881: right
(12:57:42 PM) kate9881: the other thing is
(12:57:43 PM) jeremystudiod: lame doesn’t have to be a reason to get frustrated and give up
(12:57:55 PM) kate9881: i think sometimes we don’t give people enough of a chance
(12:58:07 PM) kate9881: like sometimes 2 dates isn’t really enough
(12:58:08 PM) jeremystudiod: yeah we do tend to have a checklist in our head or something
(12:58:56 PM) kate9881: yeah i mean
13:05
(1:09:56 PM) jeremystudiod: its much easier to write someone off or focus on ‘warning signs’ rather than be interested in whats behind someone’s behaviors
13:10
(1:10:13 PM) jeremystudiod: i mean, i couldve been like ‘whoa, this girl is crying on my couch? she’s craaaaazy’ and never seen you again
(1:10:20 PM) kate9881: sometimes we just have to let go and accept people for what they are
(1:10:30 PM) jeremystudiod: i think its a matter of our attitude going in
(1:10:47 PM) jeremystudiod: if its an opportunity to get to know someone rather than an interview for a job
(1:11:26 PM) jeremystudiod: yeah … accepting people for what they are is important… especially our own selves … a lot of buddhism/meditation is about that, kind of
(1:12:14 PM) jeremystudiod: its about… this is how it is in this moment, this moment is the only thing i have any control over, everything is exactly as it’s supposed to be (including stuff that we inherently want to think of as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’)
(1:13:04 PM) jeremystudiod: and all things change all the time, so not getting too hung up on where stuff is right now is to our benefit in removing suffering from our lives
13:15
(1:15:05 PM) kate9881: wow. yeah i guess
(1:15:13 PM) kate9881: not sure i totally get that but maybe a little
(1:18:42 PM) kate9881: i do think that women are conditioned or encouraged or something to have this “ideal” in mind
(1:18:45 PM) kate9881: with the checklist
(1:19:29 PM) jeremystudiod: its counterintuitive to how we’re set up to think… we’re set up to be ‘this is wrong and it sucks’ or ‘this is dangerous’ or ‘this happened this way before so its going to happen this way again’
(1:19:32 PM) jeremystudiod: our limbic system at work
(1:19:42 PM) kate9881: yeah, i guess that makes sense
(1:19:48 PM) kate9881: never thought about it that way
13:20
(1:20:19 PM) kate9881: you should tell her that
(1:21:10 PM) jeremystudiod: but the more we can train ourselves to react to things without that additional attachment of ‘this is good and i want it to always be like this’ or ‘this is bad and i want it to stop’ or ‘this needs to be a specific way in order for me to be happy’, then we can go through life from moment to moment and just kind of experience things as ‘interesting’…and enjoy the joy when its there and learn from the pain when its there…and everything is an opportunity to learn and grow
(1:21:21 PM) jeremystudiod: and its not like one day a switch gets flicked and thats your mode 100% of the time
13:25
(1:27:21 PM) kate9881: yeah
(1:28:03 PM) jeremystudiod: and its especially hard when stress happens
(1:28:13 PM) jeremystudiod: because we all go into the thinking loops
(1:29:09 PM) kate9881: yes
13:30
(1:33:47 PM) jeremystudiod: ‘omg i have so much stuff to do im never going to be able to get it done and then im gonna get fired and ill lose my apartment and have to live on the street and give handjobs for crack and omg im thiking about how much stuff i have to do rather than actually doing it’ etc etc etc
(1:34:49 PM) kate9881: handjobs for crack, eh?
13:35
(1:35:03 PM) jeremystudiod: pop culture references are a crutch, i understand that ๐Ÿ˜›
(1:35:44 PM) kate9881: i mean, i think, in terms of dating,
(1:35:59 PM) kate9881: often we’re looking for flaws
(1:36:07 PM) kate9881: or we’ve been told to do that
(1:36:17 PM) kate9881: by friends or women’s magazines or something
(1:37:03 PM) kate9881: it’s probably the same for men
(1:38:47 PM) jeremystudiod: well its interesting that you say that
(1:38:58 PM) jeremystudiod: because we’re kind of set up to look for what might be wrong with any given situation anyway
(1:39:02 PM) jeremystudiod: our brains
(1:39:09 PM) jeremystudiod: always on alert
13:40
(1:40:01 PM) kate9881: yeah
(1:40:05 PM) kate9881: because of the bears, right?
(1:40:11 PM) jeremystudiod: heh
(1:40:12 PM) jeremystudiod: yes
(1:40:15 PM) jeremystudiod: because of the bears
(1:41:03 PM) jeremystudiod: its always so fascinating to me how psychology ties into evolution and how personal relationships map to business challenges map to political stuff and its all basically the same
(1:41:38 PM) jeremystudiod: so yeah i think a lot of relationship advice and stuff is like ‘warning signs!’ or ‘top 10 ways to tell if he’s cheating on you’
(1:41:43 PM) kate9881: i still picture muppet bears
(1:41:47 PM) jeremystudiod: hee
(1:41:49 PM) jeremystudiod: me too
(1:42:08 PM) jeremystudiod: because i think those warning things get adrenaline going and lead to impulsive behavior
(1:42:11 PM) jeremystudiod: like buying the magazine
(1:42:15 PM) jeremystudiod: its all marekting
(1:42:16 PM) jeremystudiod: marketing
(1:43:14 PM) kate9881: yes
(1:43:16 PM) kate9881: fear
(1:44:00 PM) jeremystudiod: yup
(1:44:12 PM) jeremystudiod: everything comes from fear or love
(1:44:16 PM) jeremystudiod: or, go to back even further
(1:44:26 PM) jeremystudiod: all actions are motivated from a place of separation or a place of connection
13:45
(1:46:43 PM) jeremystudiod: lol, i just got an email from our corp comm department with some best practices for my livetweeting stuff tomorrow
(1:46:51 PM) jeremystudiod: giving me advice on how to use twitter. way to go, guys.
(1:48:00 PM) kate9881: ha
(1:48:04 PM) kate9881: what are the best practices

Written by admin

May 16th, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Posted in Kate

transition time.

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Jeremy Meyers
so…yeah.
11:57
Kate Farina

11:58
Jeremy Meyers
i’m sorry its been difficult lately
11:58
Kate Farina
hey, you’re going through a challenging time. i didn’t sign up for the good parts only
and god knows, i have my rough times too
the important thing is that we can talk about it
12:00
Jeremy Meyers
i know
here’s the thing
when i was living with my dad as an adult
a lot of my time was spent with likeโ€ฆblinders onโ€ฆ just trying to get through another day
figuring out different ways how i could get through the week
being at home, on the computer, watching tv, reading, porning, whatever
coping mechanisms
diversion
s
and it was a really hard time for me
and that replicated itself when i first moved in to my apartment
when i was by myself
there were a lot of nights and weekends where i’d just do my best to oookill time until i could sleep
and my sleep schedule switched around to being awake at night
and usch
such
as my default
and it was sad but i was comfortable
in that spiral
so when i have an extended period where i feel like i dont really have a purpose
like now
even though i know intellectually that its only temporary
theres a pull inside for me to go back into that, and protect myself, and shut down from others
and likeโ€ฆget onthe computer when i can’t sleep
and play with people online when i feel lonely
etc
but its different because i can’t just do that because i have you, so there are consequences
i can’t just hide
so that causes friction
and makes me want to push and get snarky
even though i dont really WANT to
and i guess leads to you feeling taken for granted
so
i just have to figure out what to d
o
and how to cope
yeah thats all i have
Kate Farina
whoa, sorry i was away from my desk
okay.
i do understand that somewhat
i haven’t been in that exact situation, but i have gone through periods like that
i was seriously depressed living in phoenix and then after when i was unemployed
and i know that as much as i bitch about my job and i hate it on many levels, i would have some trouble if i didn’t have it
maybe this sounds weird to you, but when we started dating, you seemed so stable and together
i say ‘seemed’ because that was my perception, i’m not sure if it was your reality
12:16
Jeremy Meyers
well, i was more togehter than the last time we hung out
plus i’d just started a new job that i liked
12:17
Kate Farina
right
and you were so into meditation and stuff
and i was a fucking mess
i’ve talked about this with my therapist, how sometimes i’m more comfortable not being the ‘leader’ in some ways
so i guess that’s why i’ve felt a little uneasy lately. i feel a little more responsibility to sort of keep things on track or whatever
12:21
Jeremy Meyers
i’m not sure what you think you ahve to do beyond what you usually do
12:22
Kate Farina
i guess i have an urge to try and make you ‘happy’
or feel like it’s all going to be okay
provide some comfort
but i know that i can’t fix it
i can’t really do much of anything except be supportive and access to my butt
12:27
Jeremy Meyers
i think the thing is
this is how it is
12:30
Kate Farina
yes
12:31
Jeremy Meyers
and it seems like when either of us try to ‘fix’ or whatever, it jsut makes it worse
12:31
Kate Farina
we’re doing the best we can during a tough time
12:31
Jeremy Meyers
i dont want to be snippy at you
i know its misdirected
12:31
Kate Farina
okay
12:32
Jeremy Meyers
but sometiems i am
when i’m feeling like this
12:35
Kate Farina
i love you even when you’re feeling not so great
but i reserve the right to call you out on being snippy
12:35
Jeremy Meyers
i know
i jsut wanted you to know that i know i’m doing it and i dont likeโ€ฆfeel good about it but i’m trying to figure out how to be in this situation when its not just me.
12:36
Kate Farina
yes. i’m still figuring stuff out too
12:36
Jeremy Meyers
and my default is to push people away
no matter who they are
12:37
Kate Farina
just don’t push me out of bed

Written by admin

March 22nd, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Posted in Kate

sex and seattle

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13:16:33) kate9881: is it ok if i think about applying to some graduate programs?
(13:17:31) jeremystudiod: of course its okay… tho it kinda makes me nervous
(13:17:35) jeremystudiod: tho that shouldn’t stop you
(13:19:13) kate9881: nervous how
(13:23:08) jeremystudiod: nervous like what if in march waggener wants me to move to seattle and you get accepted to an awesome grad program in boston
(13:23:56) kate9881: ok, but what we’ve learned in the past couple weeks is that things charge without warning and we have no clue what might happen in the coming months
(13:25:37) jeremystudiod: yeah i know
(13:25:42) jeremystudiod: i’m just saying it makes me nervous
(13:25:56) jeremystudiod: and i feel bad that it makes me nervous because of course you should apply for whatever you wnat
(13:26:35) kate9881: yeah i get it
(13:27:02) kate9881: i just think that it doesn’t hurt to at least try and see what happens
(13:27:12) jeremystudiod: are there good grad programs at seattle u?
(13:27:17) jeremystudiod: also i mea
(13:27:17) jeremystudiod: n
(13:27:29) jeremystudiod: this is something i was talking about in therapy
(13:28:42) jeremystudiod: how you’ve said that its important to you that i be really behind the seattle move and unwavering on it. and i’m not. im’ not like ‘yes seattle is where i want to spend the rest of our days’… there are parts of it i like, and i like the idea of moving somewhere that has more of the things that both of us like and less of the things we don’t, and also has a job waiting for me
(13:29:16) kate9881: hey – i wouldn’t expect ANYONE to be “unwavering”
(13:29:24) kate9881: in the real world, at least
(13:29:30) jeremystudiod: and maybe i’m not thinking about it in terms of both of us… it would be different if it was just me
(13:29:45) kate9881: i think what freaked me out is that the same day you were talking about finding a totally different city
(13:30:08) jeremystudiod: well hey, maybe you find a grad school in a totally different city that we end up liking
(13:30:42) kate9881: well, it’s not really about that for me
(13:30:46) jeremystudiod: i know
(13:31:09) kate9881: my gre will expire at some point
(13:31:23) jeremystudiod: i’m 100% on board with finding a place that is differently paced, has more access to nature, but is not a small town and still has some city amenities and some culture.
(13:31:43) kate9881: and since i’m at somewhat of a crossroads, i just think, might as well try something
(13:31:48) jeremystudiod: the fact that seattle seems to map to those things and also would keep me employed is the reason that i’m pushing for it.
(13:31:49) kate9881: or explore it at least
(13:32:03) jeremystudiod: but in fact i dont even really know if those are the things that you’re also interested in finding
(13:32:09) jeremystudiod: because i dont think i ever really asked that explicitly
(13:32:48) jeremystudiod: so maybe you want something totally different
(13:33:12) kate9881: i don’t know if i’ve ever thought about it in those terms
(13:33:33) kate9881: and i’ve changed my mind about that stuff plenty over the years
(13:33:47) kate9881: having a criteria, i mean
(13:34:19) kate9881: seattle seems cool
(13:34:32) kate9881: it does have many positive
(13:34:46) kate9881: and the things i’m worried about are things i’d probably be worried about anywhere
(13:35:20) kate9881: but my take on the whole situation is this
(13:35:39) kate9881: 1. i’d love to have everything work out and end up moving there with you
(13:36:04) kate9881: 2. i think i realize more clearly that i can’t assume that will happen
(13:36:16) kate9881: or at least, happen quickly or easily
(13:36:49) kate9881: 3. maybe i just need to do something for ME
(13:37:14) kate9881: and just see what happens
(13:38:10) kate9881: in all likelihood, probably nothing will come of it
(13:39:05) kate9881: and even if the seattle stuff totally came through in the spring and i got into a program somewhere, then it’s an embarrassment of riches
(13:39:08) jeremystudiod: of course i understand and of course i want you to do something for you (as i was saying, its hard for me to do that too, so maybe we can push each other). i’m jsut saying my gut emotional reaction was ‘fuck, what if we both have great opportunities in completely different cities.’… the abandonment stuff starts up
(13:39:27) jeremystudiod: whether its a valid concern or not
(13:39:31) kate9881: there’s no abandoning
(13:39:45) kate9881: there’s just expanding options
(13:39:59) kate9881: i’m not going anywhere without you
(13:40:26) jeremystudiod: and then it gets into ‘well i dont want her to sacrifice a great opportunity so that we can move somewhere that neither of us are 100% sold on so i can work for a company im not 100% sold on’
(13:40:41) kate9881: no one is ever 100% sold on anything
(13:41:16) kate9881: some time i should tell you about what happened when my mom and i got to phoenix
(13:42:29) kate9881: i don’t expect either of us to be 100% sold
(13:42:32) kate9881: no way
(13:42:47) kate9881: plus, then how could it ever live up to our expectations??

16:41:46) jeremystudiod: i was thinking as i was getting lunch about how i back down from asserting my needs
(16:41:58) jeremystudiod: (i’m trying to get more clarity on the actual relationship to it)
(16:42:11) kate9881: asserting your needs to whom?
(16:42:15) jeremystudiod: to whoever
(16:42:25) jeremystudiod: i mean theres probably an unconscious criteria
(16:43:30) jeremystudiod: but its like… i stop myself from calling for appointments and stuff because i think on some level i imagine that they’re going to be like ‘YOU want an appointment? no can do.’
(16:43:36) jeremystudiod: or just not listened to
(16:43:59) jeremystudiod: and on some level thats connected to my never really having gotten my needs listened to as teenager and young adult
(16:44:14) kate9881: hey, i feel like that all the time
(16:44:25) kate9881: except for me, it’s more of a fear of bothering people
(16:44:35) kate9881: or seeming to “need help”
(16:44:46) jeremystudiod: well that makes sense beccause your dad seems perpetually bothered by other humans
(16:44:50) jeremystudiod: whether its an affectation or not
(16:45:00) kate9881: maybe
(16:45:14) jeremystudiod: maybe
(16:45:16) jeremystudiod: indeed
(16:45:24) jeremystudiod: but i was thinking that maybe it connects to our sex life too
(16:45:32) jeremystudiod: like that conversation we were having
(16:45:59) jeremystudiod: maybe i assume you’re not going to want to on some level and you assume its going to be a bother
(16:46:09) jeremystudiod: you know….sometimes.
(16:46:16) kate9881: i don’t know
(16:47:22) kate9881: honestly, it often doesn’t occur to me
(16:47:47) kate9881: to haven express ‘needs’ or whatnot
(16:48:12) kate9881: to even express, i meant
(16:48:46) kate9881: i actually think it’s gotten more difficult
(16:49:02) kate9881: because now i’m probably overly concerned with ‘pleasing you’
(16:49:11) jeremystudiod: yeah
(16:49:32) kate9881: and most of the time i don’t feel like i’ve ‘succeeded’
(16:49:37) jeremystudiod: and i’m overly concerned with everything being ‘fine’
(16:50:20) jeremystudiod: or something
(16:50:29) kate9881: well, i don’t really know what ‘fine’ is. by my definition, it already is ‘fine’
(16:51:07) kate9881: i think sometimes all the conversations and stuff are just piling up the expectations
(16:51:46) jeremystudiod: possibly but i’m also not sure how we get more spontaneous without hashing out whats keeping us from being spontaneous more
(16:52:07) kate9881: i don’t know. but i definitely feel more nervous now
(16:52:15) jeremystudiod: well dont be nervous
(16:52:32) kate9881: i feel like every encounter is being graded or something
(16:52:46) jeremystudiod: hm
(16:53:09) kate9881: did this please jeremy enough so that it won’t become part of the discussion later?
(16:53:15) jeremystudiod: oh
(16:53:22) jeremystudiod: i really dont mean for it to be like that
(16:53:32) jeremystudiod: i’m sorry if thats how it has come off
(16:53:37) kate9881: hey, this is coming out of my own head
(16:53:39) jeremystudiod: i know
(16:53:45) kate9881: doesn’t mean it’s objective
(16:55:17) kate9881: and that’s not to say i haven’t been enjoying myself, because i definitely have
(16:55:19) jeremystudiod: i dont even realy know how to phrase how i feel about it other than what we’ve already said and that it seems like we both have some stuff around being spontaneous and integrating it into our overall life together
(16:55:44) kate9881: but at the same time, i’m now more worried that you aren’t enjoying yourself or something
(16:55:54) jeremystudiod: i absolutely love playing with you
(16:56:15) jeremystudiod: thats not what i’m talking about
(16:56:27) jeremystudiod: i think its part of the challenges of learning to live together
(16:56:37) jeremystudiod: figuring out how to be spontaneous
(16:57:05) kate9881: yes
(16:57:36) kate9881: but i mean, i’m the first to admit that i’m not the smoothest person when it comes to spontaneous initiating stuff
(16:57:44) jeremystudiod: i was talking to my therapist about feeling like everything needs to be either perfect or needing to be ‘fixed’
(16:58:01) kate9881: nothing is perfect and nothing is ever totally fixed
(16:58:18) jeremystudiod: and he made the point that a functional relationship involves pretty regular ‘tweaking’ in order to optimize… that doesn’t mean that something was wrong before
(16:58:37) jeremystudiod: and with sex especially, in my head if theres something that could use some tweaking it also means that something is ‘wrong’
(16:59:05) kate9881: yeah
(16:59:16) jeremystudiod: which isn’t true
(16:59:41) kate9881: it just feels like, in the past few weeks or so, you seem kind of sad afterward or something
(16:59:54) jeremystudiod: hm
(17:00:20) kate9881: and what immediately pops into my mind is “you’re not pleasing him! you’re not good enough!”
(17:00:28) jeremystudiod: the past few weeks i’ve been kinda off in general. it rarely if ever has to do with you
(17:00:57) jeremystudiod: well, next time those thoughts come up, you can ask me or tell me or whatever
(17:01:07) jeremystudiod: i’ve been generally in more of a snuggly mood than a sexy one
(17:02:08) kate9881: ok
(17:02:31) kate9881: i’m perfectly happy to do more snuggling
(17:03:03) jeremystudiod: i’m feeling kinda vulnerable and stuff… thinking about this whole thing with my dad
(17:04:04) jeremystudiod: so basically i’m trying to take the angle that its not that anything is ‘wrong’ with our playtime its that we both maybe need to give ourselves permission to enjoy it more?
(17:04:29) jeremystudiod: and i’m sorry if my wanting to talk about it led you to a different conclusion
(17:06:02) kate9881: it’s ok
(17:06:15) kate9881: i have weird issues too
(17:06:23) jeremystudiod: really?
(17:06:25) kate9881: so this is coming from that too
(17:06:30) jeremystudiod: dammit i wish you’d told me this before!
(17:06:32) jeremystudiod: ๐Ÿ˜‰
(17:06:40) kate9881: there is nothing ‘wrong’
(17:07:00) kate9881: and yes, we do need to give ourselves permission to enjoy it

Written by admin

October 15th, 2010 at 5:36 pm

Posted in Kate

The story of Kate and Jeremy

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we met on craigslist in 2008… hit it off, went out a few times, but we were both in a not-so-great headspace for dating, so it kind of fizzled out. ย Before that, I loaned her my copy of Angel Season 1 on DVD. ย Afterward, we’d talk online every few months, and I’d mention that we should meet for coffee so i could get my dvds back, but somehow it never happened. ย In August of 2009 (when I was starting a new job), I randomly wondered what she was up to so I sent her a Facebook message, and she responded awhile later that she’d moved to brooklyn and found my DVDs and felt really bad about it. ย So anyway, she came over to return them and we hung out on the couch for like 4 hours talking, and then later in the week we went to dinner, and then to central park over the weekend, and we’ve been together ever since.

Written by admin

August 2nd, 2010 at 12:18 pm

Posted in Kate

Jenny Drama

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i figured out why it bugged me so much … because its political, which is a whole system that i refuse to buy into. because office poltics is based on the importance of heirarchy and position, which means that people value themselves based on their job title and by proxy, the amount of money they make, and thats something i just dont subscrbie to at all. my motivator for working is to be able to do what i’m good at and also pay rent, its not having a business card with VP on it, or getting paid six figures, like…at all.ย  i’d rather get in trouble and keep my integrity intact
i’d rather get in trouble and keep my integrity intact

Written by admin

May 7th, 2010 at 1:06 pm

Posted in Kate

Off night with Kate discussion

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(10:50:46 AM) kate9881: hey
(10:50:49 AM) kate9881: i love you
(10:50:56 AM) jeremystudiod: hey i love you too
(10:51:22 AM) jeremystudiod: we were a little off last night
(10:51:24 AM) jeremystudiod: stupid sake
(10:52:00 AM) kate9881: eh, it happens
(10:52:13 AM) jeremystudiod: yup
(10:52:47 AM) jeremystudiod: sometimes i get triggered by stuff like that
(10:54:14 AM) kate9881: triggered by sake?
(10:54:19 AM) kate9881: or having an off night
(10:54:23 AM) jeremystudiod: the latter
(10:54:36 AM) jeremystudiod: it becomes like ‘omg what if its all gonna fall apart now!’
(10:54:41 AM) kate9881: wha???
(10:54:52 AM) jeremystudiod: ‘what if it stays weird!’
(10:54:54 AM) kate9881: hey, we haven’t really ever had a fight
10:55
(10:55:23 AM) jeremystudiod: i know
(10:55:47 AM) jeremystudiod: i’m not saying thats what i believe in my heart, i’m saying that thoughts get triggered
(10:56:07 AM) kate9881: i mean, in some ways that’s why i was like ‘let’s have sex now’
(10:56:07 AM) jeremystudiod: and then i dont want to tell you because i dont want you to think that i’m seriously worried about it and i dont want you to worry about it
(10:56:22 AM) kate9881: because sometimes you just need to get in a different headspace
(10:56:50 AM) kate9881: if it would make you feel better to tell me, you can
(10:56:51 AM) kate9881: i get it
(10:57:51 AM) kate9881: i won’t freak out or something
(10:58:02 AM) jeremystudiod: okay
(10:58:11 AM) jeremystudiod: thats just the abandonment stuff that comes up
(10:59:00 AM) kate9881: ok
(10:59:10 AM) kate9881: it’s just that
(10:59:32 AM) kate9881: i need to be able to say what i feel, even if i’m mildly annoyed
(10:59:48 AM) jeremystudiod: absolutely
(10:59:50 AM) kate9881: without feeling like “oh no, i don’t want to trigger the abandonment issues”
11:00
(11:00:10 AM) jeremystudiod: i know, and i dont want you to start censoring
(11:00:22 AM) kate9881: right
(11:00:56 AM) jeremystudiod: i think its okay that stuff gets triggered because it gives me a chance to work through it, maybe?
(11:01:16 AM) jeremystudiod: i mean, inevitably i’ll hit one of your triggers without meaning to and vice versa
(11:01:20 AM) kate9881: in any relationship there are going to be little disagreements here and there and times when we each get a little frustrated or something
(11:02:00 AM) kate9881: so, we both accept that it will happen and know that it doesn’t mean that everything will blow up and end in a break up
(11:03:14 AM) jeremystudiod: yeah i mean sometimes its just like.. its been really great since we started so if we have an off night then it triggers like… ‘weve been at 99% for 4 months and right now we’re at 90% oh no oh no!’
(11:03:50 AM) jeremystudiod: because with my parents everything seemed fine for a long tiem and then it kind of suddenly (at least from my perspective) got horrible for a long time and then my mom left
(11:04:50 AM) jeremystudiod: and i get intellectually that having an off night or having a disagreement or whatever isn’t the same as that
(11:04:57 AM) jeremystudiod: but it connects in my brain
11:05
(11:05:00 AM) kate9881: ok but, we are not your parents
(11:05:28 AM) kate9881: and i don’t think percentages are a good barometer
(11:05:30 AM) jeremystudiod: yes but the same way you get some personality things from your parents, i get some of this from them
(11:05:35 AM) kate9881: and we’ve had off nights befores
(11:05:42 AM) kate9881: befores?
(11:05:47 AM) kate9881: oops
(11:05:50 AM) jeremystudiod: befos!
(11:05:55 AM) kate9881: befo’
(11:06:08 AM) kate9881: i mean, it’s my PMS time again apaprently
(11:06:32 AM) kate9881: and last month i was specifically like “i need to spend some me time”
(11:06:42 AM) kate9881: so it’s not like, unprecedented
(11:06:44 AM) jeremystudiod: i know we are not my parents… and its not like… i dont want you to change anything
(11:07:05 AM) jeremystudiod: or have to be self-conscious about hitting triggers
(11:07:16 AM) jeremystudiod: this is something that i want to work on
(11:07:29 AM) kate9881: yeah, and you will
(11:07:34 AM) kate9881: you are
(11:07:39 AM) jeremystudiod: i dont want you to have to go into hiding once a month like a werewolf
(11:07:44 AM) kate9881: i mean, you’re recognizing it

Written by admin

March 11th, 2010 at 4:37 pm

Posted in Kate

Tagged with ,

Kate re: Therapy

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Conversation with kate9881

Conversation with kate9881 on 2/5/2010 4:22:19 PM:
(4:22:19 PM) kate9881: if you want. dinner’s not until like 9:30 or something
(4:22:35 PM) jeremystudiod: honestly i need to get some of this work done
(4:22:47 PM) jeremystudiod: i’m not sure if i’m gonna be finished with all i need to finsih by 6
(4:23:11 PM) kate9881: ok, well see what you get done
(4:23:31 PM) kate9881: and you can always meet me wherever i am when you finish
(4:38:26 PM) jeremystudiod: newsweek might publish one of my ‘six word responses’
(4:40:26 PM) kate9881: what was it
(4:40:34 PM) jeremystudiod: http://twitter.com/Newsweek/status/8688601845
(4:40:41 PM) jeremystudiod: my response http://twitter.com/jeremymeyers/statuses/8688969281
(4:41:20 PM) kate9881: yeah, that’s a sensible response
(4:46:44 PM) jeremystudiod: ๐Ÿ™‚
(4:47:20 PM) jeremystudiod: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703822404575019082819966538.html?mod=WSJ_PersonalFinance_LeadSecond#articleTabs=article
(4:51:38 PM) kate9881: well, not everyone goes to college because of earning potential
(4:51:52 PM) jeremystudiod: no
(4:52:13 PM) kate9881: especially when you get into highly ranked schools
(4:52:33 PM) jeremystudiod: yes
(4:52:45 PM) kate9881: for most people it’s because they either want a career that requires it (doctor, lawyer, etc.), or just because society expects you to
(4:52:53 PM) kate9881: or it seems fun or whatnot
(4:53:33 PM) jeremystudiod: i know
(4:53:41 PM) jeremystudiod: sometimes i regret not going
(4:53:50 PM) jeremystudiod: i think more for the social aspect of it than any particular learning
(4:56:17 PM) kate9881: i think if it were the right school
(4:56:47 PM) kate9881: i mean, i can see why you were frustrated by, say, the new school
(4:57:10 PM) jeremystudiod: i have a list somewhere of colleges i was interested in looking at
(4:57:11 PM) jeremystudiod: i should dig it up
(4:57:22 PM) jeremystudiod: it was mostly small liberal arts places
(4:57:23 PM) kate9881: i could see at, like, Reed or something
(4:57:28 PM) jeremystudiod: yeah…reed was on the list
(4:57:39 PM) jeremystudiod: drew, conncoll, oberlin
(4:57:57 PM) kate9881: yeah
(4:58:10 PM) kate9881: i worked with some really great people from oberlin
(4:58:19 PM) jeremystudiod: swarthmore, maybe?
(4:58:23 PM) jeremystudiod: i can’t remember, it was a long time ago
(4:58:47 PM) kate9881: my mom kept pushing for weird hippie schools with no grades
(4:58:53 PM) jeremystudiod: heh
(4:59:12 PM) kate9881: i think i really believed that i would have fit in at those schools because i was sooooooo different
(4:59:21 PM) jeremystudiod: well thats what everyone thinks
(4:59:25 PM) kate9881: yes
(4:59:33 PM) kate9881: luckily i kept getting bad vibes
(4:59:34 PM) jeremystudiod: and thats what they are populated with
(4:59:38 PM) jeremystudiod: mostly
(4:59:43 PM) kate9881: yeah
(5:00:00 PM) kate9881: i knew i wanted to go to vassar immediately
(5:00:09 PM) kate9881: i actually applied early decision
(5:00:13 PM) jeremystudiod: it was on my list too
(5:00:50 PM) jeremystudiod: bard was too, tho i think i ended up not liking it when i went to visit
(5:01:12 PM) jeremystudiod: beloit, maybe?
(5:02:54 PM) kate9881: omg i hated bard
(5:02:55 PM) kate9881: hahaha
(5:03:03 PM) kate9881: it was my top choice in theory
(5:03:06 PM) kate9881: then we visited
(5:03:13 PM) jeremystudiod: its a pretty campus
(5:03:19 PM) kate9881: well, the scenery
(5:03:31 PM) kate9881: but there was trash everywhere
(5:03:50 PM) kate9881: it was like, the students had no concept of picking up or recycling
(5:04:01 PM) kate9881: even though they’re all hipsters
(5:04:11 PM) jeremystudiod: especially since they’re hipsters ๐Ÿ™‚
(5:04:15 PM) jeremystudiod: trustafarians
(5:04:20 PM) kate9881: no respect for maintenance workers
(5:04:26 PM) kate9881: which is a pet peeve of mine
(5:04:41 PM) jeremystudiod: when i was growing up i thought it’d be MIT or Cornell or CMU or UNC
(5:05:59 PM) kate9881: cornell is like the suicidal capital of colleges
(5:06:11 PM) jeremystudiod: except for the nyu library
(5:06:17 PM) kate9881: ๐Ÿ™
(5:06:32 PM) jeremystudiod: brutalist architecture has a price.
(5:06:38 PM) jeremystudiod: i mean its called freakin BRUTALIST
(5:06:42 PM) kate9881: ha
(5:07:11 PM) kate9881: well, you know what, all of us have things we regret not doing, to some extent
(5:07:24 PM) kate9881: you turned out alright
(5:07:26 PM) kate9881: ๐Ÿ˜‰
(5:07:48 PM) kate9881: it kind of makes you badass
(5:07:50 PM) kate9881: hahaha
(5:09:12 PM) jeremystudiod: i am pretty badass
(5:09:24 PM) jeremystudiod: ok apparently i’m having drinks with Heather and Nadina
(5:09:32 PM) jeremystudiod: so i’m closing up
(5:09:51 PM) jeremystudiod: maybe i’ll come by your job after?
(5:10:22 PM) kate9881: what about all your work
(5:10:22 PM) kate9881: hahaha
(5:10:36 PM) kate9881: lucky you
(5:11:00 PM) jeremystudiod: f it
(5:11:02 PM) jeremystudiod: i’m burnt
(5:11:03 PM) jeremystudiod: i’ll finish it monday
(5:11:05 PM) jeremystudiod: call you after
(5:11:06 PM) kate9881: woohoo
(5:11:08 PM) kate9881: ok


10:05
jeremystudiod: <#
jeremystudiod: <3
kate9881: hey
10:20
jeremystudiod: so…
jeremystudiod: monday.
kate9881: yeah
10:25
jeremystudiod: kind of felt ‘off’ this morning
kate9881: you did?
jeremystudiod: a little
kate9881: shower thoughts?
jeremystudiod: yea some of that, and then a quiet walk… thought you might be mad at me or something
kate9881: mad at you?
jeremystudiod: yea i dunno
kate9881: am i usually super chatty while we’re walking to work?\
jeremystudiod: no i guess not
10:35
jeremystudiod: hey i didn’t say it was rational
jeremystudiod: ๐Ÿ˜›
11:35
jeremystudiod: hows your day going
kate9881: ooh sorry
kate9881: spent an hour explaining stuff to the intern
jeremystudiod: s’ok
kate9881: anyway, i wasn’t mad at you
jeremystudiod: ok
kate9881: the thing is, i think if i actually were upset about something to do with you, i would feel comfortable voicing it
jeremystudiod: i’m glad
kate9881: if i just get quiet, it’s either nothing, or something that isn’t necessarily related to you
kate9881: when you brought up the class, yeah, i did start worrying about it a bit
jeremystudiod: i didnt’ seriously think you were… but sometimes i just pick up on a weird vibe that maybe something’s going on, and i dont want to pry but i will ask what’s going on anyway because i know that its helpful to me to share what’s going on rather than just sitting with it in my head, but sometimes i feel like taht can be annoying
11:40
jeremystudiod: and i dont want to be like “come on, tell me whats wrong!” either
kate9881: i know
jeremystudiod: its kind of a charged thing for me a little because my dad was always trying to make something wrong so that he could “be the one to take care of it”… so i know that doesn’t have anything to do with you, but its something that i have a bit of a conflict about
kate9881: i mean, i appreciate that you can sometimes tell if i’m feeling weird about something
kate9881: i don’t feel like you’re looking to fix things
kate9881: help, maybe
jeremystudiod: okay
kate9881: although sometimes it’s ok just to let things pass on their own
kate9881: as you sometimes point out
jeremystudiod: just sometimes i feel like i’m making stuff up in order for there to be something i can help with
11:45
kate9881: don’t read too much into it
jeremystudiod: eah
jeremystudiod: yeah
jeremystudiod: can’t always help it
jeremystudiod: i love being able to be there for you when there is stuff going on, and that you can be there for me… there can just be extra complicated stuff around that relationship when i’m in my head about itr
jeremystudiod: it
11:50
kate9881: ok
jeremystudiod: i dunno
jeremystudiod: whatever
jeremystudiod: everythings find
jeremystudiod: fine
jeremystudiod: <3
11:55
jeremystudiod: hooray for brains trying to convince us that things are wrong
kate9881: omg
kate9881: my boss’ boss just scheduled an event for either tomorrow or wednesday
jeremystudiod: eep!
kate9881: i mean, WTF
kate9881: how are they going to find staffing
jeremystudiod: what is it?
kate9881: this Facing Ali screening
12:00
kate9881: this i totally insane
kate9881: and kind of unreasonable
jeremystudiod: what can you do
kate9881: nothing
kate9881: upper management decreeing something from on-high
12:10
jeremystudiod: can you have a convo w your boss about the best way to handle
jeremystudiod: whats your responsibility for it?
kate9881: don’t know yet
kate9881: no class march 29
kate9881: btw
kate9881: it’s passover
jeremystudiod: sweet
kate9881: so no events either
kate9881: could be a good time for a long weekend
jeremystudiod: i was just gonna say that
jeremystudiod: sounds good to me.
kate9881: wohoo
kate9881: i’m making the intern do all the stuff i don’t want to do
jeremystudiod: thats what interns are for
kate9881: exactly
jeremystudiod: as long as one or two of the things might learn her something
kate9881: no it’s good stuff
kate9881: calling around looking for PR contacts
kate9881: it’s not like data entry or anything
jeremystudiod: cool
jeremystudiod: good job
jeremystudiod: i bet that clears your plate a bit
12:20
jeremystudiod: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/technology/personal-tech/the-couple-that-tweets-together-stays-together/article1459458/
kate9881: that’s your friend, right?
jeremystudiod: yea
kate9881: cute
12:50
jeremystudiod: you’re cute
13:05
kate9881: i need to figure out a way that we can do a big trivia contest
13:10
jeremystudiod: ok
13:15
kate9881: it’s for this EW 20th anniversary thing
jeremystudiod: an in-person trivia contest?
kate9881: right
jeremystudiod: didnt’ you do one for the vampire thing?
kate9881: well, it was just part of event
kate9881: this would be like just one big trivia event
13:20
jeremystudiod: ok
jeremystudiod: like at a bar?/
kate9881: no, here
jeremystudiod: i mean
jeremystudiod: similar to trivia nights at bars
kate9881: oh, right
kate9881: yes
jeremystudiod: for EW-related stuff?
13:25
kate9881: well, 20 years of pop culture is the theme
kate9881: it’s a little broad
jeremystudiod: ya think?
kate9881: yeah, it’s EW’s thing
jeremystudiod: are they coming up with questions?
kate9881: they just want to do “an event” celebrating 20 years of pop culture
kate9881: i suggested doing trivia
jeremystudiod: thats such an odd request
jeremystudiod: ‘yay pop culture’!
kate9881: it’s their anniversary
jeremystudiod: what about something around their covers?
kate9881: well, there’s a gallery exhibit
kate9881: but we need a live event
kate9881: how’s your day going?
13:30
jeremystudiod: igj
jeremystudiod: ugh
jeremystudiod: so much stuff to do
13:35
kate9881: oh right
kate9881: because there was stuff from last week
jeremystudiod: yes
13:50
kate9881: <3
jeremystudiod: thanks
jeremystudiod: <3 to you too
13:55
kate9881: my stomach hurts
jeremystudiod: uh oh
jeremystudiod: we ate a lot yesterday
kate9881: i have a horrible nervous feeling
jeremystudiod: just breathe
jeremystudiod: its not going to be as bad as your brain is saying it is.
jeremystudiod: (assuming its connected to your class?)
kate9881: maybe
kate9881: i don’t consciously ‘feel’ that worried
kate9881: but maybe my body feels worried
14:00
jeremystudiod: whatever it is, you’ll get through it.
jeremystudiod: and i’ll be here for additional support
jeremystudiod: oy…sorry…writing proposal documents
kate9881: i just hope i’ll feel better once this is over
kate9881: instead of going over it again and again in my mind and beating myself up
14:05
jeremystudiod: i dont want to push but i do think that being able to go over your patterns with a therapist could be super helpful for when stuff like this comes up.
jeremystudiod: so that it doesn’t have to be a big thing to be scared of
kate9881: well, i haven’t like, purposely avoided calling the therapist. it just hasn’t really been the first thing on my mind. plus i don’t know about the expense
jeremystudiod: i know
jeremystudiod: i’m not suggesting you’re avoiding it at all ๐Ÿ™‚ i’m reminding you
jeremystudiod: the website said they have a sliding scale and can make it work for anyone’s budget
kate9881: yeah, but it still costs money, of which i have very little
jeremystudiod: i nkow
jeremystudiod: know
14:10
jeremystudiod: maybe its something your mom could help out with
jeremystudiod: just a thought
jeremystudiod: i dunno…just saying it seems like they’re willing to work with their clients to come up with a payment structure that works. you could always go for the consultation and then decide not to follow up
kate9881: she’s the one who said it wasn’t a good idea!
jeremystudiod: yeah but tahts only after years of saying you should go, no?
14:15
kate9881: i guess she changed her mind at some poitn
jeremystudiod: yeah that was weird…maybe she’s scared you’ll uncover some stuff that’ll make you mad at her
jeremystudiod: moms are complicated
jeremystudiod: dunno, i think if you approached her with ‘i found myself a therapist and was wondering if you could help me cover the costs’, it might work… but i could be wrong
jeremystudiod: i just wouldn’t let the money thing stop you initially, especially since they seem to be really flexible… they usually dont charge for the first session
14:30
jeremystudiod: and please feel free to tell me to back off about it, i dont want you to feel like i’m pushing too hard on it
jeremystudiod: or if its even my business
14:50
kate9881: sorry, i ran to get food
jeremystudiod: word
jeremystudiod: <3
kate9881: i mean, i do think it’s your business, in a way, because you have to deal with me
jeremystudiod: it doesn’t feel like ‘dealing with you’ at all…its more like, i love you and i know what it’s like to be stuck in patterns in certain places in your life, and I know how much having someone to talk to who is trained in such thigns can be helpful… on the other hand, i dont want to be like ‘i know whats best for you, so you need to do this’ and also i know that its a deeply personal decision that only you can figure out if/when would be a good time to take action on
kate9881: i know
kate9881: i just don’t know if i feel comfortable talking to a professional
kate9881: or if i feel like my problems merit that
14:55
jeremystudiod: and on some level i feel like… who am i to be saying this to you… you didn’t ask for my advice or my help, and sometimes the position of ‘advice giver’ can put a distance between me and whoever…even if its just in my head
jeremystudiod: well you wont know until you give it a shot
jeremystudiod: i dont think theres a particular like… ‘how fucked up do you need to be in order to see someone about it’…
jeremystudiod: its not like a doctor that way..its more like… someone who will listen and help you bring some of your patterns more into your conscious mind and enable you to reframe them so that they are manageable and can fade if they are not that useful
15:00
kate9881: i know. i just can’t bring myself to take action on it
jeremystudiod: so let me ask you
jeremystudiod: what would be most helpful for you in terms of my role in this
jeremystudiod: i mean, you will go when you are ready, i know that..and at some point my reminding you about it is not really going to help you take that step…
15:05
kate9881: it’s like everything else in my life. i get excited about it for a day and then kind of drop the ball the next day, and then gradually start to forget about it, and it doesn’t seem important any more
kate9881: i mean, a few weeks ago, whenever you got me the referral, i was like, great, i’ll get right on this
kate9881: and i didn’t really do anything about it
kate9881: and then you gave me her card
kate9881: and i put it in my backpack
jeremystudiod: i’m happy to do whatever you want. if you want me to come with you for the first appt (to stay outside obvs) thats fine… if you want me to sit there while you call, i can do that. if you want me to leave you alone about it, i can do that.
kate9881: and didn’t think about it again until you asked me about it this weekend
jeremystudiod: i just dont want to push you into something that you’re not ready for, because you should be going for you and not because i’m bugging you about it, you know?
kate9881: i don’t feel like you’re ‘bugging’ me about it
jeremystudiod: ok
kate9881: i really don’t
jeremystudiod: ok
jeremystudiod: i’m glad
jeremystudiod: i dont want to be a nag about it, and i dont think you’re somehow ‘flawed’ if you dont want to go right now
kate9881: i just feel like, it’s yet another thing that i failed to follow up on
jeremystudiod: well
jeremystudiod: what if you called right now?
kate9881: and i’m really great at finding excuses not to do stuff
jeremystudiod: this is all stuff you can talk about
jeremystudiod: and learn to resolve
15:10
kate9881: i know. it’s kind of ironic. i just feel already that i probably won’t go through with it
jeremystudiod: i get it
jeremystudiod: i really do
kate9881: maybe that is kind of defeatist, i don’t know
jeremystudiod: the patterns want to keep themselves there.
jeremystudiod: if you call right now, i will help to make sure that you go on your appointment day. i’m happy to go with you
jeremystudiod: my mom used to go with me to drop me off at my therapist in high school
jeremystudiod: it does get easier as you get into a routine about it
jeremystudiod: and if they’re any good they’re quite used to people having a similar block about it, and will know how to address it
kate9881: i’m not going to call today. i’m not even sure i’ll go to my class today
jeremystudiod: still feeling uneasy about it?
15:15
kate9881: uneasy is an understatement
jeremystudiod: can you stop and breathe
jeremystudiod: do you feel panicky?
kate9881: not panic. just dread
jeremystudiod: what is the difference for you?
kate9881: i don’t know, i just feel a sense of dread
jeremystudiod: where is it in your body?
kate9881: and i know that the most effective way to make it stop would be to just drop the class
jeremystudiod: that may be true.. but part of the reason you signed up is so that you could get through moments like this
jeremystudiod: so this could be a great opportunity
15:20
jeremystudiod: when i feel like that (and it doesn’t always work), i try to remember that the dread is just a thought and thoughts arent real… and if that doesn’t work i try to write down what specifically i’m dreading, and what the worst possible outcome could possibly be in reality
jeremystudiod: its usually not ‘bad’ enough to warrant the feeling
kate9881: i know. i get that it’s not rational
jeremystudiod: i know you do
jeremystudiod: i’m just telling you some stuff i do after i recognize that its not rational
jeremystudiod: stuff that sometimes helps
kate9881: yeah, i totally get it. those are good suggestions
kate9881: they just don’t really work for me because i feel like i’m just trying to trick myself into believing something
15:25
jeremystudiod: yes but you’re trying to trick yourself into believing that the class is to be dreaded now anyway
jeremystudiod: nothing makes that more real than doing what i suggested, only your own thoughts
15:40
jeremystudiod: <3
16:20
kate9881: sorry, had another mtg
jeremystudiod: i figured
kate9881: i still feel sick
kate9881: i’m trying so hard to change my thinking about it
jeremystudiod: you dont have to try
kate9881: i just can’t
jeremystudiod: just relax
jeremystudiod: and breathe
16:25
jeremystudiod: it’s going to be okay
jeremystudiod: the thoughts that are creating the feeling are just thoughts..they’re not real
kate9881: i’m thinking about taking some anti-anxiety stuff
jeremystudiod: i was on that for a little bit
jeremystudiod: the thing with anxiety is that most of the fear conencted with an anxiety attack is the fear of an anxiety attack
jeremystudiod: so its a cycle that we can get caught in
jeremystudiod: it is helpful to focus on where the feeling lives in your body and not try to process it analytically
jeremystudiod: its not just a distraction
jeremystudiod: it can help get you out of your head
kate9881: my mom gave me some ativan
jeremystudiod: dunno it
jeremystudiod: dont know that i’d take perscription meds that werent meant for me, especially if i was on other perscription meds
jeremystudiod: prescription?
16:30
kate9881: i’ve take it before
kate9881: i’m not sure it helps that much, but maybe just the placebo effect is enough
jeremystudiod: sure
jeremystudiod: its natural to get stuck in the …
jeremystudiod: bad feeling happens, want bad feeling to go away, its not going away, feel worse, want it to go away, and on and on
jeremystudiod: obvs i do that too
16:45
jeremystudiod: its kind of counterintuitive to just let it happen
jeremystudiod: but it works
16:55
kate9881: i’m trying to ignore it. i’m just too nervous
jeremystudiod: yeah
jeremystudiod: its gonna be fine
jeremystudiod: your thoughts arent real
jeremystudiod: they’re just thoughts
jeremystudiod: theres nothing to fix
17:15
kate9881: i just wish i could Not Care
jeremystudiod: you Do Care…nothing wrong with Caring.. you just Get In Your Own Way about it ๐Ÿ™‚
jeremystudiod: we all do
jeremystudiod: Caring isn’t the same as suffering about it
17:20
jeremystudiod: or investing yuor whole identity in it
jeremystudiod: Caring is ‘this may have something valuable for me, but if it doesnt then its okay too’
kate9881: it’s not that i don’t think it will be valuable
kate9881: i hate putting something out there that’s not perfect
kate9881: and i know nothing’s perfect
jeremystudiod: nothing is ever perfect
kate9881: just, being judged by people
kate9881: especially when i don’t feel that great about it myself
jeremystudiod: see i thi nk thats where you get stuck
jeremystudiod: assuming that people are judging you as a person because they are giving you feedback about your work
kate9881: but my work is from my head
jeremystudiod: so?
kate9881: they are passing judgment on my writing ability or my ideas
jeremystudiod: the feedback is about the work
jeremystudiod: they are giving you feedback, not passing judgent
jeremystudiod: judgment
jeremystudiod: you have it all tied together in your head
jeremystudiod: when really even if someone thinks that its a horrible piece of writing (or the best piece of writing they’ve ever heard) its not YOU they’re judging…because you are not just your writing
jeremystudiod: thats a tiny tiny piece of you
jeremystudiod: you give other people a lot of power to decide your own worth when you tie your work into your identity like that
kate9881: i can’t help it
kate9881: that’s just the way i see it
jeremystudiod: i know..its hard
kate9881: it’s very personal
jeremystudiod: but you can adjust
17:25
jeremystudiod: not to make writing less personal, because it can and should come from your heart… but to take feedback and decide whether to act on it or not without having it 100% locked in to your own self-worth
jeremystudiod: so if someone loves it or hates it, its okay, and its a reflection of their personal experiences that they’re coming to the table with and not you as a person
jeremystudiod: and you can take whats valuable from their feedback and ignore the rest
jeremystudiod: without assigning a value to it
jeremystudiod: it just kinda is
jeremystudiod: like life
jeremystudiod: life is just there…its not permanently awesome or permanently awful
jeremystudiod: there are awesome moments and awful moments
jeremystudiod: but trying to make it always awesome and never awful just gets us in trouble because we cant’ really control those things.
kate9881: i know
jeremystudiod: so its the same with this
jeremystudiod: its just feedback
kate9881: i mean, that’s my problem, i don’t want to hear feedback unless it’s like “this is the best thing EVER!!!”
kate9881: which is insane and not possible
jeremystudiod: these are things that a therapist can help with
jeremystudiod: actually my mom is a recovering perfectionist
jeremystudiod: i bet she’d have some good advice
jeremystudiod: and i think theres some stuff in Radical Acceptance about it too
kate9881: i’m not a perfectionist. or at least i don’t see myself that
kate9881: way
kate9881: unless i just don’t realize it. ha
jeremystudiod: it sounds like you have some stuff connected to it though
jeremystudiod: it has to be perfect or not at all
jeremystudiod: maybe thats why you have trouble following through on some stuff sometimes
jeremystudiod: like…it needs to be a certain way or you wont do it
17:30
kate9881: hm
kate9881: i dunno
jeremystudiod: i dunno either
jeremystudiod: just a thought
kate9881: i never really thought of it that way
jeremystudiod: its pretty common
jeremystudiod: its the whole fear of uncertainty thing
kate9881: yeah
jeremystudiod: and its totally something you dont have to be stuck with
jeremystudiod: there are lots of tools and ways to adjust your thinking on it so it doesn’t affect you nearly as strongly
17:45
kate9881: i always find it amazing when people i know give me something they’ve written in order to give them feedback
kate9881: because i’m just not the type of person who would ever do that
17:50
jeremystudiod: you never know
kate9881: there’s too much opportunity to look like an idiot
jeremystudiod: i know i never thought i’d be in a great relationship like this, even this time last year..thought i’d always be stuck in relationships that were either codependent or half-assed
jeremystudiod: and that nobody would really “get” me because i’m nerdy and a lot of my tastes are girly and i’m into random stuff
jeremystudiod: i always had to tone myself down to avoid ‘looking like an idiot’
kate9881: yeah, but you’re not really inviting people to critique you
kate9881: i mean, i get what you’re saying
jeremystudiod: i dont think its that different
17:55
jeremystudiod: and i mean at least early on, when i’d share something with you, i’d kind of brace myself to say “well is this the thing thats gonna have her think i’m too weird to stick around with?”
jeremystudiod: i mean, more with other people than with you
jeremystudiod: but
jeremystudiod: its a similar thing
kate9881: you never said anything that weird ๐Ÿ˜‰
jeremystudiod: sharing something about yourself
jeremystudiod: this may come as a surprise to you but not everyone has been as fine with my predilection for WB shows as you ๐Ÿ˜›
jeremystudiod: but i recognize that thats more about them than about me
kate9881: i get it, i mean, i totally have this need to be seen as “cool” in front of everyone, including my closest friends
kate9881: you’re one of the first people that i don’t feel that pressure
jeremystudiod: you are cool
kate9881: cool doesn’t really mean anything
jeremystudiod: exactly
jeremystudiod: i find i’m less concerned with what people think of me lately and more concerned with being myself
kate9881: that’s great
jeremystudiod: because if people dont like me for being myself, thats their problem
kate9881: i mean, that’s the way to be
jeremystudiod: and they’re missing out
kate9881: i’ve been trying to get into that mindset too
jeremystudiod: you’ll get there
18:00
jeremystudiod: i mean, it took a lot of time stuck in self-hatred and a bunch of therapy
jeremystudiod: but i think that its more abotu recognizing that we all have our reasons for being a certain way and that if someone hates me, its not because of me as much as whatever circumstances brought them to where they are in their lives
kate9881: it’s just that i have totally been trying to look at it this way all week. and still i have these horrible stomach pains
jeremystudiod: its okay
jeremystudiod: it takes time to retrain yourself
18:05
jeremystudiod: the synapses causing the stomach pain reaction are tightly wired
jeremystudiod: what time are you heading out?
18:10
kate9881: 6:40 maybe
jeremystudiod: is that when you usually go?
kate9881: yeah
jeremystudiod: okie
jeremystudiod: (i didn’t remembeR)
kate9881: starts at 7
18:15
jeremystudiod: <3
18:25
kate9881: it’s almost time
kate9881: ๐Ÿ™
jeremystudiod: dont be ๐Ÿ™ about it
jeremystudiod: it’s gonna be fine
jeremystudiod: listen to your ipod on the way…something cheery
jeremystudiod: the “:(” is your choice..you can choose something else
kate9881: i don’t think i can choose
kate9881: i just feel scared and bad
kate9881: i’d LOVE to feel something else
jeremystudiod: you can choose
kate9881: i don’t get that
kate9881: feelings are reactions
kate9881: i can’t choose how to feel
jeremystudiod: you can
jeremystudiod: you can choose how seriously to take your thoughts
jeremystudiod: and that affects your emotion
18:30
jeremystudiod: it seems counterintuitive
jeremystudiod: but you can choose to not let yoru emotions rule your existence from moment to moment
jeremystudiod: because they change and shift all the time
kate9881: that sounds right
kate9881: but i just to get how to apply that to me
kate9881: at least not in the next 30 mins
jeremystudiod: hehe
jeremystudiod: well its hard to do under pressure
jeremystudiod: i think in the next 30 minutes your goal should be to just relax as much as you can
jeremystudiod: and if thats only a little bit then thats okay
jeremystudiod: and whenever you find yourself analyzing or going around and aroudn, stop and take a deep breath
jeremystudiod: and then do it again
kate9881: yeah
kate9881: ok
kate9881: makes sense
jeremystudiod: and dont beat yoruself up for having the thoughts, but dont believe them either
jeremystudiod: its just part of our programming
jeremystudiod: you dont have to fix it for all time right now
jeremystudiod: its like
jeremystudiod: we’re set up to forget that our analytical thoughts arent ‘real’
jeremystudiod: and we can learn to remind ourselves more and more often
jeremystudiod: it takes practice
jeremystudiod: but we can learn to be “oh those thoughts are here again, that’s interesting”
jeremystudiod: not all the time
jeremystudiod: but whenever we can
18:35
jeremystudiod: how does that feel?
kate9881: yeah, i get it
kate9881: ok, gotta go
jeremystudiod: ok
kate9881: talk later
jeremystudiod: i looooove you
jeremystudiod: <3
kate9881: love you too
kate9881: a lot and a lot
jeremystudiod: ๐Ÿ™‚
kate9881: you are a calming presence
jeremystudiod: i do my best
jeremystudiod: getting worked up rarely solves anything
18:40
kate9881: bye
jeremystudiod: lates
jeremystudiod: <3

Written by admin

February 8th, 2010 at 12:19 am

Posted in Kate

Sex convo with Kate

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11:30:18 PM kate9881: so, this might be a sudden topic change
11:30:48 PM kate9881: but i was thinking a little bit about last night
11:31:16 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
11:31:53 PM kate9881: and to be honest, i was so tired and kind of drained that i’m not really sure i made sense
11:32:10 PM Jeremy Meyers: hmm
11:32:18 PM kate9881: and also i was kind of confused myself
11:32:27 PM Jeremy Meyers: well
11:32:38 PM kate9881: about why i had these feelings kind of out of the blue
11:32:47 PM Jeremy Meyers: would it be helpful for me to share what i think you were saying?
11:32:57 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean, what i hear
11:32:57 PM Jeremy Meyers: d
11:33:04 PM kate9881: oh, well, if you want
11:34:10 PM Jeremy Meyers: well to me it sounded like you were kind of exhausted, too much o play, but because you felt like i was ‘in the mood’ and into it, you were just gonna do it for my sake, and that brought up a bunch of stuff where you’d been in situations like that before with people who were less respectful of your feelings, and then the conflict between those relationships and our relationships caused some friction in your mind
11:34:47 PM Jeremy Meyers: is that close?
11:35:12 PM kate9881: um, well sort of
11:35:25 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok…well, you finish, then…sorry to cut in ๐Ÿ™‚
11:35:30 PM kate9881: i mean, i knew i was really tired all of a sudden
11:35:58 PM kate9881: but i wasn’t going to necessarily try to power through something
11:36:30 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
11:36:31 PM kate9881: i mean, i feel comfortable just telling you
11:36:41 PM Jeremy Meyers: of course
11:36:57 PM kate9881: and i am pretty much always down. but sleep was just winning
11:37:02 PM Jeremy Meyers: i’m trying to remember if that was the first time one of us ‘stopped in the middle’ because we were tired
11:38:10 PM Jeremy Meyers: well yeah, totally understandable… and to be honest i wasn’t necessarily awake enough for like a full thing…i was just feeling really close to you and kissing you and stuff..it seemed more intimate than purely sexual, to me at least
11:38:18 PM kate9881: no i know
11:38:37 PM kate9881: i got that
11:38:47 PM Jeremy Meyers: were you feeling that too?
11:38:53 PM kate9881: and it was enjoyable, but i didn’t want to just lay there like a lump
11:39:19 PM Jeremy Meyers: which made me wonder if maybe the fact that it was more intimate lead to something being triggered that made you want to pull away a little
11:39:32 PM kate9881: well actulaly
11:39:35 PM kate9881: it wasn’t that
11:40:04 PM kate9881: it was more when we first came into your room
11:40:15 PM Jeremy Meyers: not that i think you dont want to be intimate with me… just never know what combination of stuff could trigger something
11:40:26 PM Jeremy Meyers: oh.. yeah
11:40:51 PM Jeremy Meyers: was just playing around
11:40:56 PM kate9881: i was just kind of confused by that for some reason
11:41:27 PM kate9881: i actually think that may have triggered something a little bit
11:41:50 PM Jeremy Meyers: i dunno…just had the urge to bend you over and take you from behind a little… after getting eac other all worked up on the couch
11:42:02 PM Jeremy Meyers: could kinda tell that was uncomfortable for you tho
11:42:12 PM kate9881: i mean, in general, i actually find that pretty hot
11:42:28 PM kate9881: but i just didn’t really know what you were doing
11:42:28 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
11:42:43 PM Jeremy Meyers: hmm
11:42:44 PM kate9881: and it just called to mind some bad things
11:42:54 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
11:43:15 PM kate9881: i don’t know, i just felt kind of weird after that
11:43:30 PM Jeremy Meyers: well i didn’t mean to hit a trigger, obviously
11:43:50 PM kate9881: of course
11:44:02 PM kate9881: i mean
11:44:32 PM kate9881: i didn’t really even want to bring this up, because i didn’t want you to feel weird about it
11:44:37 PM Jeremy Meyers: and i dont know…our playtime has been great and its also been somewhat defined in its scope…not a complaint, just what we’ve been doing
11:45:11 PM kate9881: yeah, and that’s one reason why i don’t want you to think that something’s off-limits, because it’s not
11:45:24 PM Jeremy Meyers: no i mean i dont feel weird about it….sometimes hitting triggers is just something that happens, and we talk about it and get through
11:45:29 PM kate9881: i mean, from behind is one of my favorites in general
11:45:38 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
11:45:58 PM kate9881: but i guess i was just confused about whether you were more joking around or what
11:46:28 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i kinda feel like we’re still feeling each other out (awww yea) on experimenting a little more
11:47:17 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i think we both know where our common interests lie and stuff
11:47:50 PM Jeremy Meyers: but in the grand scheme, there’s still a bunch of stuff we haven’t done yet
11:48:33 PM Jeremy Meyers: and to answer your question, i dunno if i wa trying to be funny…i guess a little but that doesn’t mean i wasn’t also goin for some good feelings
11:49:04 PM kate9881: well, i know and that’s why i’m saying, i was reluctant to make a ‘thing’ out of it.ย  because i didn’t want it to turn into something it’s not, or discourage you from anything
11:49:24 PM Jeremy Meyers: yeah i understand
11:49:24 PM Jeremy Meyers: but
11:49:51 PM Jeremy Meyers: for me, saying nothing is wrong when clearly something is going on makes is more weird than just talking about it
11:49:58 PM Jeremy Meyers: makes IT more weird
11:50:27 PM kate9881: well, yes, but i guess i didn’t really realize it at the time
11:50:39 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
11:51:09 PM kate9881: i remember going into the bathroom and still feeling pretty turned on and stuff
11:51:25 PM kate9881: but then i just ended up getting tired and kind of tuning out
11:51:44 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
11:52:15 PM kate9881: so i don’t know, that’s the whole story as i remember it.
11:52:26 PM kate9881: well, i mean, then i felt bad about laying there like a lump
11:52:35 PM kate9881: and that brought up some upsetting feelings, etc.
11:52:37 PM Jeremy Meyers: heh
11:52:55 PM Jeremy Meyers: well now you know for next time you can just say that you’re tired
11:53:08 PM Jeremy Meyers: i know its not an excuse
11:53:15 PM Jeremy Meyers: or whatever
11:53:56 PM kate9881: i know
11:54:41 PM Jeremy Meyers: i’m pretty clear on you being into playing with me, so i do my best to ‘get’ that its not a personal thing if you’re actually too tired or feel off or whatever
11:55:06 PM kate9881: yes, not personal
11:55:08 PM kate9881: of course not
11:55:35 PM kate9881: but i’ve been on both sides of that fence, and i know it can be frustrating
11:57:12 PM Jeremy Meyers: well its not like i was superhorny and felt like you were leaving me high and dry
11:57:38 PM kate9881: i know
11:57:53 PM Jeremy Meyers: or that you’d somehow gotten me all worked up and then stopped
11:57:58 PM Jeremy Meyers: it was late
11:58:02 PM kate9881: it’s not like geting ‘the tap’ or something
11:58:10 PM Jeremy Meyers: the tap?
11:58:17 PM kate9881: seinfeld reference
11:58:20 PM kate9881: sorry
11:58:23 PM Jeremy Meyers: can’t remember
11:58:45 PM kate9881: the tap is when you’re like tap tap tap on the back “please stop doing whatever you’re doing”
11:58:48 PM Jeremy Meyers: ohh
11:59:05 PM kate9881: george gets the tap
12:01:05 AM Jeremy Meyers: and as for the rest of it, if something gets triggeredย  and you have emotions come up and feel like crying, then by all means do so and i will hold you until it passes… you dont have to ‘keep it together’ for me… i mean, theres obviously some stuff there, and a therapist could help you look at it, but in the moment, you can just let it happen. it honestly doesn’t change how i think of you or my feelings about you
12:01:23 AM Jeremy Meyers: and you dont have to feel bad about it
12:01:52 AM kate9881: i know and i appreciate that
12:02:07 AM kate9881: but i don’t really like crying in front of people
12:02:14 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’m not people
12:02:20 AM kate9881: and also i think it’s kind of misleading
12:02:55 AM kate9881: i think sometimes i’m crying because i just feel a lot or feel an overwhelming sense of relief that i don’t have to worry about some things
12:03:16 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah
12:03:18 AM Jeremy Meyers: makes sense
12:03:27 AM kate9881: sometimes i realize that i’ve had certain worries for like 10 years
12:03:36 AM kate9881: that i never even realized
12:03:49 AM kate9881: sorry, that made no sense
12:03:51 AM kate9881: hahaha
12:03:55 AM Jeremy Meyers: well thats great that you’re noticing them rather than having them stay as automatic processes
12:03:59 AM Jeremy Meyers: i knew what you meant
12:04:07 AM Jeremy Meyers: thats why i tend to ask “whats going on” rather than “whats wrong”
12:04:38 AM kate9881: but it’s like, because you’re you and you’re wonderful, i’m like “oh, it doesn’t need to be like that”
12:04:49 AM Jeremy Meyers: ๐Ÿ™‚
12:05:11 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’m glad that my awesomeness can help put to rest some assumptions
12:06:14 AM Jeremy Meyers: which sounds glib but it really does mean a lot to me that someone i think is so amazing and means so much to me is so appreciative of who i am
12:06:37 AM Jeremy Meyers: thats not exactly what i meant, but you get it
12:06:41 AM kate9881: yes
12:07:33 AM Jeremy Meyers: so
12:07:33 AM kate9881: so i think part of the crying was just unloading some pent up stuff and realizing that i don’t have to have some of these anxieties
12:07:38 AM kate9881: because you’re the best
12:07:40 AM Jeremy Meyers: oh yeah totally get it
12:08:04 AM Jeremy Meyers: i kind of visualize it as these pockets of emotion that we store
12:08:15 AM Jeremy Meyers: and sometimes we can trigger something near the pockets so they rupture
12:08:18 AM Jeremy Meyers: and they come out
12:08:39 AM Jeremy Meyers: and either we reabsorb the pain or we can let it out
12:09:23 AM Jeremy Meyers: i dunno, maybe thats weird
12:09:25 AM kate9881: yeah that makes sense
12:09:34 AM kate9881: no, not weird
12:11:02 AM Jeremy Meyers: so i mean, you dont have to feel bad if tears come for whatever reason when we’re together…be it sadness or relief or anything
12:11:22 AM Jeremy Meyers: just would be appreciated if you’d share what it feels like its about, as you’re ready
12:11:26 AM Jeremy Meyers: (which you do)
12:12:31 AM kate9881: yeah, i try, but sometimes i’m not sure myself and it’s just hard to speak, literally
12:12:41 AM Jeremy Meyers: yea
12:13:11 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’ll try not to rush you or anything…just harder for me to know whats going on without any kind of context
12:13:32 AM kate9881: yes, i totally understand
12:13:36 AM Jeremy Meyers: wow, talk about an obvious statement
12:13:37 AM Jeremy Meyers: he
12:13:37 AM Jeremy Meyers: h
12:13:41 AM Jeremy Meyers: if i dont know, i dont know!
12:13:41 AM Jeremy Meyers: ๐Ÿ˜‰
12:13:42 AM kate9881: one reason, i try to hold it in
12:13:58 AM kate9881: just, knowing i’ll have to explain and stuff
12:14:00 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah see i think for me tat would be like reabsorbing
12:14:07 AM Jeremy Meyers: would you rather i not ask?
12:14:17 AM kate9881: no, you can ask
12:14:28 AM kate9881: i mean, i would probably say something
12:14:56 AM kate9881: it just takes me some time to stop the swirl of thoughts and talk
12:15:10 AM Jeremy Meyers: ok
12:15:13 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean
12:15:38 AM Jeremy Meyers: i dont think that theres anything about last night that was like… ‘gee i wish it had gone differently’
12:16:13 AM kate9881: well, i think that a bit
12:16:14 AM kate9881: but
12:16:23 AM kate9881: ah well
12:16:40 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean in terms of what came up and how we communicated about it
12:17:04 AM kate9881: yeah i know, but i wish i had done some things differently
12:17:06 AM kate9881: but it’s ok
12:17:12 AM kate9881: that’s why i brought it up again
12:17:20 AM Jeremy Meyers: there ya go
12:17:27 AM kate9881: and like i said, for the record, i do really like stuff from behind or being bent over or whatever
12:17:36 AM Jeremy Meyers: well
12:18:20 AM kate9881: i think i was just kind of caught off-guard
12:18:28 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean to be honest, it doesn’t exactly make it weird, but it does make me a little concerned about hitting a trigger next time i decide to try something new
12:20:27 AM Jeremy Meyers: but we can work that out
12:20:31 AM Jeremy Meyers: not worried
12:20:39 AM kate9881: srsly, don’t be too concerned
12:21:06 AM kate9881: i think it’s probably time to change it up or add stuff or try different things
12:21:19 AM Jeremy Meyers: sure
12:21:23 AM Jeremy Meyers: not that i’m bored
12:21:26 AM Jeremy Meyers: but yes
12:21:30 AM Jeremy Meyers: lets do it
12:21:42 AM kate9881: ok good
12:21:50 AM Jeremy Meyers: ๐Ÿ™‚
12:22:13 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’ll get the handcuffs you get the butt plugs and salami
12:23:20 AM Jeremy Meyers: i still want you to ride my face ๐Ÿ˜›
12:24:01 AM kate9881: handcuffs AND salami?
12:24:12 AM Jeremy Meyers: you know…taste you at an angle that doesn’t involve me craning my neck against the couch
12:24:15 AM Jeremy Meyers: heh
12:24:25 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah you heard me.
12:24:49 AM kate9881: hey, i wasn’t really expecting that so…didn’t have angles in mind while lounging on couch
12:24:59 AM Jeremy Meyers: i know
12:25:47 AM Jeremy Meyers: i think we may be getting used to the whole morning handjob/fingering in bed thing….not that thats not enjoyable
12:26:09 AM kate9881: yes i agree
12:26:27 AM Jeremy Meyers: just dunno what comes next or whatever
12:26:58 AM Jeremy Meyers: and almost dont want to plan it…
12:27:00 AM kate9881: do we need to watch more WB shows
12:27:26 AM Jeremy Meyers: wb shows would never approve of our activities
12:27:37 AM kate9881: true
12:27:43 AM Jeremy Meyers: tho actually now that you mention it
12:27:55 AM Jeremy Meyers: this may sound weird but it almost seems like we’re doin the wb thing
12:28:01 AM kate9881: but i mean, it has been a pretty long time not to do it
12:28:12 AM Jeremy Meyers: not to watch wb shows?
12:28:18 AM kate9881: yes, exactly
12:28:31 AM Jeremy Meyers: ok now i’m confused
12:30:05 AM Jeremy Meyers: to me it feels like we may be doin the ‘well the next step after what we’ve been doing is full on sex’ which is silly because its not even true given our existing repertoire (oral, etc)
12:30:40 AM kate9881: well, you asked what we could do next
12:30:48 AM kate9881: that is one thing we are not currently doing
12:30:53 AM Jeremy Meyers: oral?
12:30:57 AM kate9881: no, SEX
12:30:59 AM Jeremy Meyers: oh
12:31:00 AM Jeremy Meyers: heh
12:31:00 AM Jeremy Meyers: yes
12:31:02 AM kate9881: sorry intercourse
12:31:09 AM Jeremy Meyers: we can
12:31:13 AM kate9881: i mean, we can do more oral too of course
12:31:29 AM Jeremy Meyers: i did really enjoy 69ing with you
12:31:38 AM kate9881: yeah totally
12:31:42 AM Jeremy Meyers: and rimming
12:32:47 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i feel like i’m really close to doing the sex thing..it seems weird to say ‘i almost feel ready’ or something…so girly
12:33:29 AM kate9881: why do you think you haven’t felt ‘ready’ ?
12:33:43 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’m still a little in my head about it
12:33:54 AM Jeremy Meyers: and it feels like a big deal with you
12:34:17 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i think some of our dirty talk when we’re playing about it has been hot
12:34:47 AM kate9881: does it need to be that big of a deal though?ย  isn’t that kind of WB?
12:35:05 AM Jeremy Meyers: maybe it is
12:35:07 AM kate9881: i mean, i feel like we’ve been very intimate with other stuff
12:35:10 AM Jeremy Meyers: we have
12:35:34 AM Jeremy Meyers: and maybe the extent of our sex life isn’t a 100% match for where we are emotionally, i dunno
12:36:13 AM Jeremy Meyers: but i dont think i’ve ever had sex as an expression of love before…it kinda feels like being a virgin again…maybe thats overthinking
12:36:48 AM kate9881: no i get it
12:36:59 AM kate9881: i haven’t had that either
12:37:23 AM kate9881: i mean, sex is usually a regular part of my random hook-up routine
12:37:32 AM Jeremy Meyers: right
12:37:48 AM kate9881: so i don’t really tend to think of it as a special sacred thing or whatever
12:37:55 AM Jeremy Meyers: yea
12:38:47 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i dont know that i think of it as sacred, but it definitely feels more ‘important’ with you… as i said, like being a virgin again
12:38:57 AM Jeremy Meyers: which i guess does put pressure on it
12:39:18 AM Jeremy Meyers: but at the same time i don’t necessarily want to just do it
12:39:27 AM kate9881: yeah, i think that might be building up some tough expectations
12:39:39 AM kate9881: i don’t think it needs to be either/or
12:39:56 AM Jeremy Meyers: well i’m not expecting fireworks and magic and life-altering everything
12:40:14 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah i understand
12:40:16 AM kate9881: well, we have a long time to work up to that
12:40:22 AM Jeremy Meyers: of course
12:41:19 AM Jeremy Meyers: i guess it just feels right now like it’d be a leap from what we’ve been doing lately… like… if we were just kissing and touchhign each other, to suddenly go for a condom would be like… big step
12:41:48 AM Jeremy Meyers: this all seems kinda silly when i’m ‘sayin it out loud’
12:42:02 AM kate9881: yeah, i mean, i see where you’re coming from
12:42:10 AM Jeremy Meyers: especially since we’ve had sex already
12:42:18 AM kate9881: but for me, i’m thinking of it kind of the opposite way
12:42:19 AM Jeremy Meyers: but obvs we were in a different place in our relationhip at that point
12:42:25 AM Jeremy Meyers: oh?
12:43:05 AM kate9881: like, the longer it doesn’t happen, the more i worry about it.ย  well, not ‘worry’ exactly
12:43:14 AM kate9881: but it becomes more of a thing
12:43:43 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i can see that, but in the grand scheme, this isn’t really that long in terms of how long couples wait to have sex
12:43:44 AM kate9881: not that i’m demanding to do it asap
12:44:02 AM kate9881: well, i’m not trying to compare to other people
12:44:06 AM Jeremy Meyers: i know
12:44:25 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’m just saying i think both of us may have a bit of a skewed perception when it comes to timelines
12:44:29 AM kate9881: i mean, for us, i do think it’s kind of a lengthy period of time
12:44:50 AM Jeremy Meyers: because of our closeness otherwise?
12:44:55 AM kate9881: right
12:44:59 AM Jeremy Meyers: hmm
12:45:01 AM Jeremy Meyers: interesting
12:45:54 AM Jeremy Meyers: i dont necessariliy feel that same pressure…i feel like when the moment takes us and we can’t not be having sex anymore, then it’ll happen. and i kinda feel like its coming sooner than later
12:47:10 AM kate9881: well, i just don’t know if i would recognize “can’t not be having sex anymore”
12:47:27 AM kate9881: vs. just being really turned on and wanting to
12:47:41 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i know i have some stuff around sex and intercourse … and i dont want to feel like i’m depriving you or something
12:47:51 AM kate9881: and i don’t know how i’d even feel about expressing that
12:48:16 AM kate9881: because what if i felt like “now’s totally The Time” and you didn’t
12:48:30 AM Jeremy Meyers: then we figure it out
12:48:37 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i have the same fear
12:49:07 AM Jeremy Meyers: mine’s more ‘what if you feel like nows totally The Time and i cant perform like last time’
12:50:32 AM kate9881: well, “can’t perform” is not how i would interpret it
12:50:40 AM Jeremy Meyers: maybe not
12:50:46 AM kate9881: and plus, i have plenty of anxieties of my own
12:50:56 AM Jeremy Meyers: but thats how the fear says it
12:50:58 AM kate9881: it’s not like you’re just out there on a limb all alone
12:51:12 AM Jeremy Meyers: well we dont really talk about it
12:51:29 AM Jeremy Meyers: or haven’t
12:51:39 AM Jeremy Meyers: beyond that we both want to have sex with each other lots
12:52:57 AM kate9881: yes
12:53:07 AM kate9881: well i’m kind of reluctant to bring it up
12:53:23 AM Jeremy Meyers: why
12:54:12 AM kate9881: because of what i said before, about being concerned that i’d say i wanted to and you wouldn’t
12:54:56 AM Jeremy Meyers: well since we’re both nervous about that, it seems like we’ve stalemated ourselves out of sexin at the moment
12:54:57 AM Jeremy Meyers: heh
12:57:19 AM Jeremy Meyers: it really is like being a virgin again
12:57:31 AM kate9881: but i just want to say, even if something didn’t quite go perfectly, i wouldn’t get demoralized
12:57:59 AM Jeremy Meyers: ok
12:58:16 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i dont expect sex to be perfect…wouldn’t be fun if it wasn’t a little messy
12:58:27 AM kate9881: no, of course
12:58:55 AM Jeremy Meyers: its like that thing i was talking about about just getting to the other side of the door
12:59:40 AM Jeremy Meyers: and i guess i mean… right now in my head it feels like the progression hasn’t quite gotten to the sex part quite yet
1:00:02 AM Jeremy Meyers: and i dont know if it has anything to do with how close we are emotionally and intimatelly
1:00:03 AM Jeremy Meyers: whoa
1:00:05 AM Jeremy Meyers: intimately
1:01:05 AM Jeremy Meyers: and maybe i’m overthinking and believe me i want you a lot
1:01:46 AM Jeremy Meyers: and it does feel a little weird and silly being on this side of the discussion
1:02:19 AM kate9881: i mean, it doesn’t really feel great over here either
1:02:32 AM Jeremy Meyers: aw see…
1:02:51 AM Jeremy Meyers: maybe we should talk about this in person rather than via IM?
1:03:18 AM Jeremy Meyers: i dont think i’m explaining where i am with it clearly
1:03:59 AM kate9881: no, i mean IM is not the ideal medium, of course
1:05:31 AM Jeremy Meyers: i want to be inside you really a lot a lot. but i also feel like because i love you so much, it feels like i want it to be in a moment thats meaningful and natural and ‘for the right reasons’ and not because we’re worried that its been too long or something
1:06:05 AM kate9881: i understand. and i’m not saying, let’s just fuck just to do it
1:06:42 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean, that having been said, who knows, we may still just end up doin it randomly over the weekend or someting
Changed status to Offline (1:07:17 AM)
Changed status to Online (1:07:57 AM)
1:08:28 AM Jeremy Meyers: Jeremy Meyers
i mean, that having been said, who knows, we may still just end up doin it randomly over the weekend or someting
1:09:39 AM Jeremy Meyers: you okay over there?
1:09:57 AM kate9881: yeah
1:10:05 AM Jeremy Meyers: internet fail?
1:10:16 AM kate9881: i just got the same IM twice
1:10:21 AM Jeremy Meyers: ook
1:10:31 AM Jeremy Meyers: it said you’d signed off
1:10:38 AM kate9881: oh. nope
1:10:50 AM Jeremy Meyers: finish your thought?
1:10:51 AM kate9881: i think AIM is just being weird on gchat
1:10:54 AM Jeremy Meyers: ah
1:11:09 AM kate9881: this is the last thing i said
1:11:10 AM kate9881: me:ย  ok, but i think that’s where i’m like, almost feeling like i am never expecting that
1:11:34 AM Jeremy Meyers: never expecting what?
1:11:54 AM kate9881: oh, IM context fail
1:11:58 AM Jeremy Meyers: hee
1:12:03 AM kate9881: expecting to randomly do it over a weekend
1:12:23 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah i think thats what i was talking about before about expanding our repertoire
1:12:28 AM Jeremy Meyers: so that it would be more of a natural progression
1:12:47 AM kate9881: but what is really in between
1:13:40 AM Jeremy Meyers: well i mean at the moment its been just fingering and handjobs and occasionally oral
1:14:34 AM Jeremy Meyers: not that that hasn’t been fun
1:14:38 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i dunno
1:15:48 AM kate9881: it’s late.ย  i don’t really feel like talking about this more
1:15:57 AM Jeremy Meyers: ok you’re probably right
1:16:09 AM Jeremy Meyers: less talk more action, right?
1:16:22 AM kate9881: i’m just tired
1:16:23 AM Jeremy Meyers: like you and your job
1:16:35 AM kate9881: and i feel like we’re going around in circles
1:16:38 AM Jeremy Meyers: we are
1:16:41 AM Jeremy Meyers: you’re riht
1:16:43 AM Jeremy Meyers: right
1:16:51 AM Jeremy Meyers: no way out when we go around in circles
1:18:20 AM Jeremy Meyers: i think that we will figure it out
1:18:25 AM Jeremy Meyers: or we will make it happen
1:18:28 AM Jeremy Meyers: more accurately
1:18:46 AM kate9881: ok, going to bed now
1:18:50 AM Jeremy Meyers: ok
1:18:52 AM Jeremy Meyers: i love you
1:18:56 AM Jeremy Meyers: you’re the best
1:18:57 AM Jeremy Meyers: <3
1:19:36 AM kate9881: love you
1:19:39 AM kate9881: ‘night
1:19:44 AM Jeremy Meyers: sleep well
1:19:50 AM Jeremy Meyers: no worries
Changed status to Offline (1:19:51 AM)

Written by admin

January 28th, 2010 at 11:45 pm

Posted in Kate

Sex convo with Celeste

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1:10:10 AM Jeremy Meyers: yo
1:10:18 AM Jeremy Meyers: you up?
1:11:12 AM neoviva2: yep
1:11:20 AM Jeremy Meyers: can i ask your advice on something?
1:11:25 AM neoviva2: sure
1:11:37 AM Jeremy Meyers: its about kate and me
1:11:43 AM neoviva2: k
1:12:03 AM Jeremy Meyers: we haven’t had sex yet…and i think its more of an issue for her than it is for me
1:12:38 AM Jeremy Meyers: and its not an issue of not wanting to
1:12:39 AM Jeremy Meyers: its more of like
1:12:50 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’ve never really had sex with someone within the context of being in love with them
1:13:01 AM Jeremy Meyers: so it feels kinda like being a virgin again
1:13:08 AM neoviva2: right
1:13:39 AM neoviva2: so you’re not sure if you should jump into it or you’re not sure about how she feels
1:13:47 AM Jeremy Meyers: no i mean we’re talking about it
1:13:54 AM Jeremy Meyers: and i think we’ve kind of accidently stalemated ourselves
1:14:17 AM Jeremy Meyers: we both really want to but i kinda feel like i want to wait until the moment presents itself where we can’t NOT be having sex
1:14:27 AM Jeremy Meyers: and she’s saying more that she doesn’t know that she’d know when that moment would happen
1:14:53 AM Jeremy Meyers: and i think in the grand scheme it hasn’t really been that long
1:14:59 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean compared to other relationships
1:15:04 AM neoviva2: yeah
1:15:07 AM Jeremy Meyers: and that we may both kind of have skewed timelines
1:15:22 AM Jeremy Meyers: but for her it seems like the longer we wait the more of a ‘thing’ it becomes
1:15:35 AM neoviva2: I agree.
1:15:57 AM neoviva2: I don’t see why the “moment” is so important; what makes it valid isn’t so much the moment in my opinion, it’s the fact that you love each other
1:16:26 AM neoviva2: and waiting does also put this weird kind of… maybe like a ceremonial weight around it
1:16:32 AM neoviva2: but it really should just be natural
1:17:01 AM neoviva2: When I had sex with Erik after I’d realzed I was in love with him it was seriously the coolest experience
1:17:26 AM neoviva2: I had no idea it could actually be that kind of “bonding” experience and what not that it gets compared to in people’s stories or in movies and shit
1:17:33 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah
1:17:35 AM neoviva2: and obviously it’s your own experience and noncomparable
1:17:40 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean thats what i feel like it could be with her
1:17:49 AM Jeremy Meyers: but i also feel like we’re both kind of in our heads about it
1:17:53 AM Jeremy Meyers: maybe me more than her
1:17:53 AM neoviva2: I understand where you’re coming from but the “moment” thing … doesn’t really matter. do you worry you won’t be ready otherwise?
1:17:55 AM Jeremy Meyers: about what it should be
1:18:27 AM neoviva2: I say just do it
1:18:32 AM neoviva2: it’ll change shape every time anyway
1:18:36 AM Jeremy Meyers: so heres the other thing
1:18:47 AM neoviva2: the first time won’t be like some kind of pall cast on all the others
1:18:48 AM neoviva2: wha
1:19:03 AM Jeremy Meyers: we’ve already had sex once
1:19:07 AM neoviva2: ah
1:19:15 AM Jeremy Meyers: a couple of weeks into our relationship
1:19:24 AM Jeremy Meyers: before either of us knew what it would turn into
1:19:26 AM Jeremy Meyers: and it was really good
1:19:35 AM Jeremy Meyers: and then we tried again and it…um…didn’t happen
1:19:52 AM neoviva2: ah I see.
1:20:07 AM neoviva2: I still say do it ๐Ÿ™‚
1:20:12 AM neoviva2: you love her.
1:20:13 AM Jeremy Meyers: nobody’s fault, just didn’t work
1:20:13 AM neoviva2: she loves you
1:20:14 AM Jeremy Meyers: i do
1:20:16 AM Jeremy Meyers: she does
1:20:35 AM neoviva2: that’s alllllllllllllll you need ๐Ÿ™‚ don’t be scared. weird sex sessions happen. and I know, it’s so deterring
1:20:56 AM Jeremy Meyers: its not even that, it’s just like…theres a trigger there now
1:21:23 AM Jeremy Meyers: so even if everythings goin great then its easy for it to come up like ‘hey reember that time when yo couldnt keep it up? thatd better not happen now or shell freak out!’
1:21:25 AM neoviva2: I’ve had two of them happen with Erik. but then we talked about why lol. turned into a 3 hour mind-melding session. then at the end of it we had like, REALLY good super intense sex and all was well. sometimes you just have to let the funk roll through and out of you. as with sex and everything else.
1:21:31 AM Jeremy Meyers: and of course thats what happen
1:21:42 AM neoviva2: *nods* that’s exactly what Erik said
1:21:58 AM neoviva2: he kept getting anxious and then it REALLY didnt happen cuz he was so worried it wouldnt
1:22:02 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah
1:22:06 AM Jeremy Meyers: self-fulfilling prophecy
1:22:15 AM neoviva2: but really… she’s not going to be that mean to toyu
1:22:17 AM neoviva2: you know/
1:22:18 AM neoviva2: ?
1:22:19 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah i mean i definitely think that i’m overthinking
1:22:28 AM Jeremy Meyers: but i’m also nervous like a virgin
1:22:50 AM neoviva2: it’s the true nakedness of love… it’s a strange thing to accept. that this other person will see you at your highest and lowest and your best and your not-so-hots and it doesnt matter. at ALL
1:22:53 AM neoviva2: literally!
1:23:03 AM Jeremy Meyers: i know its not like…. everything hinging on it, but also its special with her
1:23:11 AM neoviva2: *nods8
1:23:16 AM Jeremy Meyers: and we’re so intimate and emotionally open and connected with each other outside of it
1:23:24 AM Jeremy Meyers: and we have fun when we fool around
1:23:39 AM Jeremy Meyers: and i get her off a lot
1:23:46 AM neoviva2: ๐Ÿ™‚
1:23:55 AM Jeremy Meyers: i really enjoy making her feel good
1:23:55 AM neoviva2: you’re overthinking bubblegum
1:24:08 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah i know
1:24:21 AM neoviva2: dont worry ๐Ÿ™‚
1:24:29 AM neoviva2: just have lots of sex!
1:24:38 AM Jeremy Meyers: i have kind of a thing around intercourse as a separate thing from messing around too
1:24:45 AM neoviva2: well it is
1:24:48 AM Jeremy Meyers: when i was just doing the casual thing i wouldn’t fuck people
1:25:20 AM Jeremy Meyers: so its kind of a charged thing
1:25:32 AM Jeremy Meyers: i aven’t had intercourse with anyone since the last kate which was what, two years ago?
1:25:55 AM neoviva2: *nods*
1:26:14 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i want to just do it but i dont want to do it just to do it, if that makes any sense
1:27:08 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’m just bein silly, maybe.
1:27:17 AM neoviva2: no
1:27:34 AM neoviva2: and you’re not going to do it just to do it because you love her… so it’s never going to be about that so long as you do love her
1:27:42 AM neoviva2: dont think about it ๐Ÿ™‚
1:28:03 AM Jeremy Meyers: i have been goin around and around with it
1:28:09 AM Jeremy Meyers: and we’ve been goin around and around via IM about i
1:28:20 AM Jeremy Meyers: t
1:28:46 AM Jeremy Meyers: kate9881
it’s late. ย i don’t really feel like talking about this more
1:15

Jeremy Meyers
ok you’re probably right

less talk more action, right?
1:16

kate9881
i’m just tired
1:16

Jeremy Meyers
like you and your job
1:16kate9881
it’s late. ย i don’t really feel like talking about this more
1:15

Jeremy Meyers
ok you’re probably right

less talk more action, right?
1:16

kate9881
i’m just tired
1:16

kate9881
and i feel like we’re going around in circles

1:29:07 AM Jeremy Meyers: eremy Meyers
i want to be inside you really a lot a lot. but i also feel like because i love you so much, it feels like i want it to be in a moment thats meaningful and natural and ‘for the right reasons’ and not because we’re worried that its been too long or something
1:06

kate9881
i understand. and i’m not saying, let’s just fuck just to do it
1:29:29 AM Jeremy Meyers: etc etc
1:29:52 AM neoviva2: you’re both going overkill dude
1:30:05 AM neoviva2: just do something fun and romantic… faciliate the happening of it and it’ll come
1:30:09 AM neoviva2: no pun intended. lol
1:30:48 AM Jeremy Meyers: i think we both have the tendency to get in our heads about stuff…i’ve gotten better since the meditation stuff, but sex i a pairticularly sticky one
1:31:14 AM Jeremy Meyers: is a
1:31:24 AM Jeremy Meyers: and we’re kind intense about our connection
1:31:48 AM Jeremy Meyers: we’re going out for bbq for valentines day
1:31:55 AM Jeremy Meyers: though thats not exactly a low pressure situation, romance-wise
1:32:11 AM Jeremy Meyers: not that we’re gettin all fancy
1:32:13 AM Jeremy Meyers: argh
1:32:15 AM Jeremy Meyers: around and around and around
1:32:20 AM neoviva2: just stoooop
1:32:24 AM neoviva2: if you can recognize it you can stop it
1:32:32 AM neoviva2: relax
1:32:34 AM Jeremy Meyers: i know
1:32:42 AM Jeremy Meyers: its a hydra, this particular one
1:33:41 AM neoviva2: *nods*
1:33:43 AM Jeremy Meyers: i want us to be able to talk about anything but on the other hand if its all talk then that doesn’t really help anythin but at the same time i dont want to censor my converations around and around and around
1:33:51 AM neoviva2: write it out … then just turn your back on it for tonight
1:33:53 AM neoviva2: sleep
1:34:18 AM Jeremy Meyers: and i mean, everythings great in our relationship
1:34:58 AM Jeremy Meyers: yes i woul dlike to be having sex with her but on the other hand at this very moment i can’t say i like… MISS sex.. but that could be because it hasn’t really represented what it represents here
1:36:02 AM Jeremy Meyers: meh
1:36:03 AM neoviva2: yeah
1:36:13 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’m annoying myself
1:36:21 AM Jeremy Meyers: this is whats keeping it from happening
1:36:29 AM neoviva2: breeeeeeeeeeeeathe
1:36:37 AM neoviva2: what’re you actually afraid of
1:36:56 AM Jeremy Meyers: that it wont go well and she’ll leave
1:37:20 AM Jeremy Meyers: or that i’ll wait too long and she’ll get tired of waiting and leave
1:38:02 AM Jeremy Meyers: or that some expectation on either of our parts wont be met somehow and she’ll leave
1:38:09 AM Jeremy Meyers: (helloooo abandonment issues!)
1:38:21 AM neoviva2: *nods*
1:38:34 AM Jeremy Meyers: maybe it feels like it has to be the exact right time or theres a risk of it all going to ell
1:38:36 AM Jeremy Meyers: hell
1:38:43 AM Jeremy Meyers: which is ridiculous
1:39:31 AM Jeremy Meyers: gee
1:39:38 AM Jeremy Meyers: dont know that i knew that was under there.
1:39:46 AM Jeremy Meyers: thank you
1:40:32 AM neoviva2: ๐Ÿ™‚
1:40:40 AM neoviva2: dont be scaaaaaaaaaaared
1:40:50 AM neoviva2: it’s natural to feel that way… it’s your first time in a situation like this
1:41:40 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah
1:43:02 AM Jeremy Meyers: persistent little fucker that abandonment stuff
1:43:41 AM neoviva2: yeah
1:43:53 AM neoviva2: well … if you never learn the basic shit… you wont have it when you need it
1:43:58 AM neoviva2: simple but not easy indeed hehe
1:44:11 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah
1:47:33 AM Jeremy Meyers: i’m writing her an email
1:47:36 AM Jeremy Meyers: since she just went to be
1:47:38 AM Jeremy Meyers: d
1:48:29 AM Jeremy Meyers: after talking about it with a friend, i think i discovered that (surprise surprise) theres some abandonment stuff lingering underneath this too… theres a persistant thought that if we dont do it at the exact right time that either it wont go well and you’ll leave or that you’ll end up getting tired of waiting and want out, both of which i know are ridiculous, but dont know that i knew were behind some of this…

so, i feel more relaxed about it now…

i want you to know, too, that i know we can experiment and try different things and see what works sexually and that i know it doesn’t have to be “perfect” every time or a magical WB moment, and that having sex with you will always be special because of how we feel about each other, not because of some fantasy ‘first time’ experience.

I love you and look forward to lots of sex soon to come ๐Ÿ™‚ (no pun intended)

yours always

j

1:49:23 AM neoviva2: ๐Ÿ™‚
1:49:26 AM neoviva2: see?
1:49:27 AM neoviva2: done.
1:49:30 AM Jeremy Meyers: heh
1:50:27 AM Jeremy Meyers: thanks hon <3
1:50:37 AM neoviva2: youre welcome babe
1:50:45 AM Jeremy Meyers: hows meditation and stuff going?
1:50:53 AM neoviva2: slow
1:51:01 AM neoviva2: im still on about 3 min every other day. but it’s been helping
1:51:04 AM Jeremy Meyers: well thats a good ting wen it comes to meditation
1:51:05 AM Jeremy Meyers: heh
1:51:22 AM Jeremy Meyers: yeah i mean i dont think theres a ‘wrong’ way or a wrong pace
1:51:35 AM neoviva2: a lot of my belief systems have changed. and I find myself defending the wisdom of oneself and the ways of the universe
1:51:41 AM Jeremy Meyers: nice
1:51:50 AM Jeremy Meyers: thats more important… noticing a shift
1:51:57 AM neoviva2: yeah
1:51:59 AM neoviva2: hang on phne
1:52:40 AM Jeremy Meyers: i mean honestly i haven’t been doing formal sit-down-in-full-pose-meditation for awhile… i will do it a little when i get up some days, and will try to do like a minute during the day if i feel stressed ouut
1:58:34 AM Jeremy Meyers: must sleep
1:58:36 AM Jeremy Meyers: nite
1:58:37 AM Jeremy Meyers: <3

Written by admin

January 28th, 2010 at 11:44 pm

Posted in Kate

Kate in my headness

leave a comment

(11:43:30 AM) jeremystudiod: i’m kinda glad its therapy thursday today, heh… kinda in my head
(11:43:54 AM) kate9881: sorry
(11:44:02 AM) jeremystudiod: no worries
(11:44:04 AM) jeremystudiod: not your fault
(11:44:09 AM) jeremystudiod: just is how it is right now
(11:44:13 AM) jeremystudiod: <3
11:45

(11:45:10 AM) kate9881: ok. i just feel kind of down right now too and sometimes i’m afraid it rubs off on you or other people
(11:45:45 AM) jeremystudiod: its okay if it does
(11:46:10 AM) jeremystudiod: we dont have to ‘protect’ each other from our moods
(11:47:05 AM) jeremystudiod: i mean i tend to be kinda empathic when it comes to people i’m close with
(11:47:26 AM) jeremystudiod: and it’ll all pass
(11:47:54 AM) jeremystudiod: “We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world.”-Helen Keller
(11:48:34 AM) kate9881: do you have these quotes memorized?
(11:48:39 AM) jeremystudiod: hee
(11:48:46 AM) kate9881: or are you quickly googling inspirational quotes
(11:48:47 AM) jeremystudiod: no i just happened to see that one on the tweetstream as we were talking
(11:48:55 AM) kate9881: ha. ok
11:50

(11:50:36 AM) kate9881: well, if you ever want to talk about any stuff, you can tell me
(11:50:47 AM) jeremystudiod: i know
(11:50:48 AM) jeremystudiod: and i do
(11:51:11 AM) jeremystudiod: you help me a lot
(11:51:32 AM) kate9881: yes. sometimes i’m not sure if i should ask you more questions or something
(11:51:53 AM) jeremystudiod: dont feel the need to strategize
(11:51:59 AM) kate9881: no, i just mean
(11:52:10 AM) kate9881: i’ve noticed that you tend to try to draw things out of me
(11:52:24 AM) jeremystudiod: yeah
(11:52:29 AM) kate9881: whereas i don’t do that as much
(11:52:39 AM) kate9881: not just with you, but sometimes in general
(11:52:51 AM) kate9881: i think part of me thinks that it’s prying or something
(11:52:54 AM) jeremystudiod: yeah i mean and i also still tend to flip conversations around
(11:53:50 AM) jeremystudiod: so, if you feel like you want to ask a question or dig deeper, please please please do… if it comes from your heart…but if you get up in your head with “maybe i should ask him about xyz because i told him i would or blah blah blah” thats a different thing
(11:54:03 AM) jeremystudiod: not that you shouldn’t do it then too
(11:54:23 AM) kate9881: right, i got it
(11:54:34 AM) jeremystudiod: and i think we can both tell when we’re having a conversation that gets us up in our respective heads
(11:54:48 AM) kate9881: yeah
11:55

(11:55:02 AM) jeremystudiod: and thats fine because sometimes it happens
12:00

(12:01:35 PM) jeremystudiod: (and yes i try to convince myself of that too)

(12:02:02 PM) jeremystudiod: sometimes i feel like i come off all enlightened and fine with everything all the time, when things can be a struggle for me too
(12:02:49 PM) jeremystudiod: and thats when you asking me more questions would be helpful
(12:03:04 PM) kate9881: sometimes i get frustrated or confused or whatever and kind of stop really engaging in conversation or whatever. so just know that when that happens, i still love you so much. it’s just that i need to back off for a little bit.
(12:03:38 PM) jeremystudiod: thank yo
(12:03:38 PM) jeremystudiod: u
(12:04:11 PM) kate9881: i have a tendency to get worked up over things during IM conversations
(12:04:48 PM) kate9881: which is why it’s not a great platform for serious conversations
(12:04:48 PM) jeremystudiod: yeah i mean… i’m really used to IM being the conversational medium of choice in general, but i’m starting to realize that there are some conversations that should happen in person or on the phone or whatever
12:05

(12:05:12 PM) jeremystudiod: i mean a lot of my social life has been being on IM all the time
(12:06:01 PM) jeremystudiod: and honestly sometimes when you back off it triggers some of the abandonment stuff, which in my heart i know isn’t whats happening…so sometimes i overcompensate the other way by trying to grasp at the conversation and re-engage
(12:06:13 PM) kate9881: i know
(12:06:24 PM) jeremystudiod: even if the convo is over
(12:06:26 PM) kate9881: and i feel kind of terrible about it
(12:06:33 PM) jeremystudiod: dont
(12:06:51 PM) kate9881: i was kind of upset last night
(12:07:15 PM) kate9881: and just had to disconnect right away
(12:09:12 PM) jeremystudiod: i dont like upsetting you
12:10

(12:10:20 PM) jeremystudiod: i mean everythings great and i’m not worried about the actual thing but i dont want it to be an obstacle for us
(12:14:24 PM) jeremystudiod: and i dont think that that particular conversation needs to be rehashed again ๐Ÿ™‚ and yes of course we can talk to each other about the topic but that particular convo keeps us stuck about it
(12:14:25 PM) jeremystudiod: IMHO
(12:14:50 PM) kate9881: no, i’m not asking to continue it
(12:14:54 PM) jeremystudiod: no i know i’m not sayin you are
12:15

(12:15:00 PM) jeremystudiod: didn’t mean to imply
(12:15:15 PM) kate9881: i’m just saying, this is why i suddenly was like gotta go and got offline
(12:15:35 PM) jeremystudiod: and this morning
(12:15:37 PM) kate9881: i actually read your email last night
(12:15:41 PM) jeremystudiod: ah ok
(12:15:47 PM) kate9881: no, this morning, i really did have to leave
(12:15:52 PM) jeremystudiod: word
(12:16:14 PM) jeremystudiod: i needed to talk it through with a friend…she’d actually had something similar happen with her now-fiancee
(12:16:27 PM) jeremystudiod: i mean, i didn’t know that when i initially talked with her about it
(12:17:00 PM) kate9881: but i just felt bad about kind of leaving you hanging with some weirdness
(12:17:15 PM) kate9881: and i thought about responding to your email
(12:17:32 PM) jeremystudiod: i appreciate it
(12:17:44 PM) kate9881: but i still felt kind of worked up about it
(12:17:54 PM) kate9881: and just didn’t want to keep rehashing
(12:17:58 PM) jeremystudiod: totally
(12:18:18 PM) jeremystudiod: it did feel a little weird, but i tried to remind myself that under the weirdness there’s love, and that the weirdness will pass but the love remains
(12:18:25 PM) jeremystudiod: i’m so freakin poetic sometimes
(12:18:26 PM) jeremystudiod: ๐Ÿ˜‰
(12:18:54 PM) jeremystudiod: i mean the whole conversation felt kinda weird and in-my-head
(12:19:38 PM) kate9881: weirdness is a great poetic word
(12:19:54 PM) jeremystudiod: here bliss
(12:19:58 PM) kate9881: yeah i was (and still am a little bit) very much in my head about it
12:20

(12:20:37 PM) jeremystudiod: which is why i was saying that that particular angle on talking about it isn’t helpful
(12:20:42 PM) jeremystudiod: for either of us
(12:21:29 PM) kate9881: yes
(12:21:44 PM) jeremystudiod: Celeste (friend i was talking to about it) was basically like… ‘you know you love each other, and no matter how it works out, itll be coming from love, and if something goes weird or whatever you can get past it…so relax and enjoy it!”
(12:21:51 PM) kate9881: no, i think we both agree on that
(12:21:53 PM) jeremystudiod: which is why she’s one of the few people i actually ask for advice
(12:22:00 PM) kate9881: yeah that is good advice
(12:22:27 PM) jeremystudiod: and i’m working on letting go of the whole ‘it has to be a perfect magical moment the first time’ thing…not sure where i picked that up
(12:22:30 PM) kate9881: i just want to apologize for being kind of bratty, i guess
(12:22:41 PM) kate9881: too much WB
(12:22:44 PM) jeremystudiod: hee
(12:23:29 PM) kate9881: sometimes i kind of forget that we don’t play mindgames
(12:23:37 PM) kate9881: if that makes any sense
(12:23:44 PM) jeremystudiod: that there isn’t an ulterior motive?
(12:24:02 PM) jeremystudiod: i mean i think the topic is always charged for people in terms of the baggage we pick up along the way about it
(12:24:05 PM) kate9881: yeah, or just, i don’t know, i’m so used to that mindset
(12:24:30 PM) kate9881: not just about the sex discussion, but in general
(12:24:44 PM) jeremystudiod: i’m sorry stupid people played games with your mind
12:25

(12:25:02 PM) kate9881: if i feel like something might be kind of charged, i tend to get defensive and then exit the conversation first
(12:25:14 PM) jeremystudiod: yeah i mean
(12:25:24 PM) jeremystudiod: (don’t know where i picked up saying “i mean” a lot, either)
(12:25:39 PM) jeremystudiod: i think in this case ending the conversation was not a bad thing…we couldve kept going around and around forever
(12:26:36 PM) jeremystudiod: and i didn’t feel like you were being bratty… the whole “the longer it takes to do it, the more of a thing it becomes” kinda set me off
(12:26:57 PM) kate9881: ok
(12:27:25 PM) jeremystudiod: because then it kinda feels like every moment we’re not having sex is a step closer to you getting fed up
(12:28:54 PM) kate9881: not fed up
(12:29:13 PM) kate9881: i’m sorry if that’s how that came off
(12:29:37 PM) jeremystudiod: theres just this fear that if we dont do it soon theres gonna be like a “well if youre not gonna fuck me i’m gonna find someone who will!”
(12:29:42 PM) kate9881: look, i will wait as long as you need or i need or we both need or shatever
(12:29:51 PM) kate9881: shatever
(12:29:53 PM) kate9881: ha
(12:29:55 PM) jeremystudiod: ha
(12:29:56 PM) kate9881: anyway
12:30

(12:30:30 PM) kate9881: no, look, i’ve been down that road and i would never think that with you
(12:30:46 PM) jeremystudiod: and its not like i’m all “lets wait a year!” or anything
(12:30:49 PM) kate9881: i LOVE you
(12:31:06 PM) jeremystudiod: and its not a reflection of how i feel about you or having sex with you or being attracted to you
(12:31:52 PM) jeremystudiod: i LOVE you too. and i’m SO into you sexually.
(12:33:05 PM) jeremystudiod: but theres a combnation of that “better do it, shes not gonna wait around forever” fear and also like… “i love this girl, why are we waiting”… i dunno, its complicated in there
(12:33:13 PM) kate9881: totally get it
(12:33:29 PM) kate9881: but i love you and i’m not going anywhere
(12:33:33 PM) kate9881: no matter what
(12:33:37 PM) jeremystudiod: and then its goes around in circles because i feel silly for overthinking it
(12:34:10 PM) jeremystudiod: i need to hear that sometimes even tho i know its true, as i continue to work through some of the abandonment stuff
(12:34:28 PM) kate9881: ok
(12:34:59 PM) jeremystudiod: because one of the more powerful traps in my brain is “if its not like this, she’s gonna leave”
12:35

(12:35:31 PM) jeremystudiod: which i’m starting to be able to get some space around
(12:35:39 PM) jeremystudiod: so it doesn’t automatically kick in
(12:35:59 PM) jeremystudiod: and talking about in therapy
(12:36:46 PM) kate9881: yeah. but i’m not going anywhere
(12:36:48 PM) jeremystudiod: but sometimes i need to hear it… and even now theres the “well if she feels like she has to tell you that all the time, thats gonna be the thing that makes her leave”
(12:36:58 PM) kate9881: oh jeez!
(12:37:02 PM) jeremystudiod: its powerful
(12:37:09 PM) kate9881: do you think i’m that fickle?!
(12:37:14 PM) jeremystudiod: no
(12:37:15 PM) jeremystudiod: kate
(12:37:16 PM) jeremystudiod: seriously
(12:37:18 PM) jeremystudiod: its not about you
(12:37:25 PM) kate9881: i know. i know
(12:37:31 PM) jeremystudiod: its about my mom was supposed to be there for me and she left
(12:37:35 PM) kate9881: yes
(12:38:02 PM) jeremystudiod: and that big ball of anger and fear and betrayal sits there in my brain just looking for something to attach to in order to make it real
(12:38:21 PM) kate9881: yeah
(12:38:54 PM) jeremystudiod: so its more like…something gets triggered and it can lock in. not that i actually believe it in my heart
(12:39:02 PM) kate9881: but look, i trust you so much. and you can trust in me too
(12:39:12 PM) jeremystudiod: i do
(12:39:14 PM) jeremystudiod: i really do
(12:39:22 PM) jeremystudiod: i’ve never been this open about stuff with anyone
(12:39:26 PM) jeremystudiod: actually, not even sue.
(12:39:57 PM) kate9881: i haven’t either. this is very new for me too
12:40

(12:40:02 PM) jeremystudiod: <3
(12:40:21 PM) jeremystudiod: so i do trust you and i know you’re not going anywhere
(12:40:26 PM) jeremystudiod: but
(12:40:51 PM) jeremystudiod: if i tell you when something happens that is triggering the abandonment stuff, i dont want it to be like … something for you to feel bad about
(12:41:01 PM) kate9881: sure
(12:41:06 PM) kate9881: well, we’re all human
(12:41:08 PM) jeremystudiod: thats what i worry about when it comes up
(12:41:17 PM) kate9881: i mean, things will get triggered
(12:41:22 PM) jeremystudiod: that i dont want you to sit there feeling bad about a situation triggering something
(12:41:27 PM) jeremystudiod: because its not your fault
(12:41:32 PM) jeremystudiod: or mine
(12:41:35 PM) jeremystudiod: its just something that happens
(12:41:38 PM) jeremystudiod: like you just said
(12:41:38 PM) jeremystudiod: heh
(12:41:39 PM) kate9881: yes
(12:41:56 PM) jeremystudiod: i know that sometimes you have a tendency to beat yourself up about things
(12:42:05 PM) jeremystudiod: or make things your fault when they’re not
(12:42:25 PM) kate9881: i just felt bad that i was consciously being kind of a jerk
(12:42:41 PM) kate9881: and reverting in mindgame mode
(12:42:52 PM) jeremystudiod: i gotcha
12:45

(12:45:38 PM) jeremystudiod: i think i was so in my head at that point that i didn’t even notice
(12:46:23 PM) kate9881: ok
(12:46:36 PM) kate9881: well, i feel better
(12:46:41 PM) jeremystudiod: me too
(12:46:48 PM) kate9881: good
(12:46:51 PM) jeremystudiod: <3
(12:47:13 PM) jeremystudiod: i think either of us should be able to call time out on an on-our-heads conversation
(12:47:25 PM) jeremystudiod: if/when we notice
(12:48:33 PM) jeremystudiod: rather than relying on old habits that arent applicable with us
(12:48:56 PM) kate9881: yes good point
12:50

(12:50:56 PM) jeremystudiod: done and done
(12:51:02 PM) jeremystudiod: i love you
(12:54:37 PM) kate9881: i love you

Written by admin

January 28th, 2010 at 8:18 pm

Posted in Kate