sdcjournal

Private Journal – Keep Out.

NetFlix Wish List

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TV:
mash
sctv
farscape season 3+
alias
the unit
battlestar galactica
dead like me
homicide season 5-8
beavis and butthead
threes company
animaniacs
pinky and the brain
quantum leap

MOVIES:
father dear father
man about the house

Written by admin

March 11th, 2016 at 11:31 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

I Can

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I am scared.

What can i do despite being scared

can i spend my energy on other than writing about my struggles

I can do things despite being scared.

I can spend my energy on other things rather than writing about my struggles.

I will spend my energy on other things.

I Will take action

I am scared

It doesn’t need to be fucking poetry every time.

I can self-care genuinely.

I can turn fear into determination

I will figure out what i would like to be doing on a daily basis.

I am feeling scared
There is fear in this moment.

I want to feel it and also not let it be a wall, but a pool that is okay to dive into.

Can i make this sustainable

I can make this sustainable.

I can determine what self-care means to me and then take those actions regularly.

I can look at my fear and not examine it.

Written by admin

December 30th, 2015 at 4:00 pm

Difficulty Tracking

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Freedom agency

 

External expectation

  • Smart
  • Society
  • Parenting

 

Internal expectation

  • “Good fit”
  • Qualification

 

Identity

  • Stuck
  • Momentum
  • Squeezed

 

Fear

  • Consequences of action
  • Consequences of inaction
  • Rejection
  • Invalidation
  • Replication of toxic interaction
  • Learned helplessness

 

Shame

  • “Deserving”
  • Self fulfilling
  • Metashame

 

Permission

 

Solutions

 

Action

  • Identification and logging of “no”spaces
  • Reinforcing virtuous cycles
  • Habits, structure and accountability
  • Proceduralize Gray areas

Written by admin

December 10th, 2015 at 11:14 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Things i’d like to work on for the rest of the year and into 2016

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  • The job search is turning into a way to beat myself up for every moment that i am not spending focused on that. I would like to move it out of that realm, even if it means changing my focus away from it right now. It is bringing up many thoughts of worthiness and tying me up in knots rather than being a thing that I can get excited about. I am also aware of resistance to dropping it in the form of predicting external judgment like ‘copping out’ or ‘just cant get it done’
  • Wishing to disengage with and reject the whole concept of ‘stuck’ or any semblance of my life as ‘on hold’ or ‘incomplete’ or ‘off the rails’.  Identification of areas where that may grow in intensity and methods to minimize it.
  • Getting better at noticing self-destructive habits and thought patterns and stepping out of them and not getting stuck in judgment spirals. Stepping out in a productive way rather than a self-judgment way.

Written by admin

December 7th, 2015 at 1:28 am

Reflections on job hunting and feeling belonging

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Well, we talked about not really feeling like I have a place where I’m wanted and needed and valued socially outside of my relationship , and how that connects back to never really feeling valued as an individual going up and help my needs were almost always secondary to my parents comfort , end when I had more consequential needs like when I dropped out of school it was treated like “how do we get this kid back in school and on the track that we think he needs to be on, rather than what is actually going on or figuring out what’s going on or caring, really
and how much time I spend focused on taking care of other people’s needs or listening to them talk about what’s going on with them and not really sure what’s going on with me and how much more comfortable it is to do that
until I really don’t feel like I’m allowed to take up space much and how, I mean, not until
even like looking for a job, it kind of feels like I’m going to get in trouble and that it’s not okay
and that makes me feel really sad that I’m living with that in my head end it informs so much of my behavior
And also about how important it has been for me historically to feel useful, but also how I end up both enjoying and resenting feeling useful, which ties into not wanting people to think I’m smart or happy Bowtell me I’m smart because I don’t want to be used as a resource socially , even know I put myself in that position a lot
because it’s more comfortable for me
so people use me for advice or computer help or whatever, end I don’t feel like I’m making a real connection , even though I feel valued around that information , so it ends up being more isolating rather than a way to connect with people

Written by admin

October 27th, 2015 at 7:35 pm

Assertiveness Ramble to Rachel

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I think that we are both aware of those things, and I’m trying to be even more effusive, especially after hearing some of the specific challenges Kate has around feeling like she doesn’t deserve nice things and that our relationship is somehow ‘less than’ because she doesn’t deserve someone as committed to her as other people have (a premise that i disagree with but can see how it would seem valid from her perspective).

I am also trying to be more assertive in our sessions. Sometimes i feel like only Kate’s difficulty with stuff gets out there and then we spend time talking about how to make it okay for her.

I’m also working both in with you and out on not taking responsibility/burden for her challenges around our relationship.  Not to be cold or callous but just to be like… if she says that there isn’t anything in particular that i can do to help (whether thats true or whether there is but she doesnt want to say or feels unable to say) then all i can do is live my life and be compassionate that sometimes things will be difficult for her and i am here if she wants to talk or whatever.

On some level (or really all levels), it’s her responsibility to work through a lot of the stuff that gets brought up is on her and my role is to be supportive and keep her in mind when acting.  This is a real struggle for me to be like “i am living my life and there are aspects of it that cause discomfort in my partner, but that doesn’t mean that I should necessarily change my behavior just so my partner never has to feel discomfort. It feels like a really tricky balancing act and sometimes like i’ve been weighting things super far in the other direction, especially given her anxious brain’s occasionally disproportionate emotional reaction to things.  It’s difficult to not feel like shit for that position.  It is better for her to own her own shit though, even if it seems difficult for her and much simpler to put it on me.

Anyway, that’s my rambling for the moment.

j

Written by admin

October 2nd, 2015 at 3:56 pm

Posted in Kate

Conversation with mom about buying a house

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Laura Meyers

Is the mortgage in both your name s

6:14

Jeremy Meyers

yes

also what we didn’t account for when you and i talked about it is that she wouldn’t owe me 50k, she’d owe me 25

6:16

Laura Meyers

25k that way you both own half of the asset

6:16

Jeremy Meyers

yes

we are buying a house togehter, i am not giving her a loan so she can buy a house

6:18

Laura Meyers

Not sure what point you are making

6:18

Jeremy Meyers

that’s ok

i’m just saying in the calculations, we didn’t take that into account in our conversation

6:20

Laura Meyers

As opposed to you buying the house solely?

6:21

Jeremy Meyers

as opposed to her buying it and me loaning her the down payment month

money

i am loaning her her half of the down payment money

6:21

Laura Meyers

Right

And she is paying you back by paying more towards the mortgage payments

6:23

Jeremy Meyers

yes

plus any profits from the eventual sale of the place up to the amount she owes me

6:26

Laura Meyers

We were talking about what would happen.if you brake up

6:26

Jeremy Meyers

then she’d owe me the remainder

6:27

Laura Meyers

Ok

And who is responsible for the rest of the mortgage

6:28

Jeremy Meyers

what do you mean

6:30

Laura Meyers

If you don’t sell the house who pays for the mortgage

6:30

Jeremy Meyers

you mean if we break up and don’t sell the house?

6:30

Laura Meyers

Yes or can’t

6:31

Jeremy Meyers

whoever stays will pay for it, i imagime

6:33

Laura Meyers

If you beak up and up and can’t sell the house what happens

6:34

Jeremy Meyers

i kind of dont’ want to talk abotu this like that anymore. and also i’m not sure people would be asking that question if we were married. we just signed paperwork and are under due dilligence, i’m not going to focus on what happens if we break up and the housing market crashes, and its kind of making me feel less excited about buying a house, so can we change the subject please

6:36

Laura Meyers

Alan brought it up and he agrees with you

Written by admin

April 13th, 2015 at 3:14 pm

Posted in Family

kate letter to me

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i feel kind of sick about our conversation last night. i have so many feelings swirling around my head right now that it’s hard to get them organized into something relatively coherent.

i think that sometimes in these situations, people want to look for one huge obvious problem, but in my heart i know that it’s a fairly mundane “combination of things” that has affected my chemistry with you. and part of me has been trying to compile stuff that’s on you, but the truth is that it’s mostly on me. it’s mostly on me that i haven’t been communicating my wants and needs. it’s on me that i haven’t been initiating. i’m not sure why. i know that it’s never been my strongpoint, but for some reason it feels so intimidating for me. i think that one of the reasons it’s intimidating is that it feels like your sexuality is a huge part of who you are. i’m just a different kind of person and sometimes i feel like if i’m not like you, i’m wrong. (that’s not a criticism of you, just how i sometimes feel)
i guess i feel this weird sense of competitiveness about it where it’s like, if i can’t “win” i just give up/opt out/get frustrated/feel bad because i’m letting you down. it feels deeply unsexy to me to have to microanalyze every touch. kissing has gotten ridiculous. i’m reluctant to do anything because i’m expecting criticism. not only is it difficult for me to hear feedback, it’s almost worse to give it. it feels like the magic has just dissipated. i do still feel magic in other parts of our relationship, i just feel like our sexual relationship isn’t a natural extension of that. it feels clinical and it hurts so bad to know that you apparently have this amazing natural chemistry with other people and with me it’s just not there.
my therapist asked me last week if i thought i was depressed. i guess i don’t *feel* depressed. i don’t think there’s an obvious reason why i would be. there are lots of things in my life that make me happy. on the other hand, there’s a lot that i push down. there are a lot of ways in which i feel like a fraud and afraid of everything and like i can never truly relax. there are ways that i’m really mad at you but i can’t express it. there are ways that i have a lot of self hatred and i don’t understand why i feel this way despite two different kinds of therapy.

Kate Farina
 
347 306 7954

Written by admin

February 16th, 2015 at 4:24 pm

Posted in Kate

Jeremy’s Reasons Why Not

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  • things can only change so much
  • don’t want to provoke a big reaction from me
  • pushing too much will have consequences, breaking through, scary
  • defensive posture
  • where is there freedom? food, escape
  • not strong enough to push my limits
  • I need to start more slowly
  • safe inside
  • “be kind to yourself”
  • what to choose

Written by admin

January 14th, 2015 at 11:57 am

I wish – Dad Edition Take One

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I wish that I felt more important than your freedom to do your art

I wish that the thing I was more important than at least made you happy.

I wish that I didn’t feel like I wasn’t even worth that, sometimes.

I wish you had made an effort to understand me on my own terms.

I wish that I didn’t feel so conflicted about how I feel about you, that you were all bad or all not bad.

I wish that I didn’t still feel the need to defend you, and that i felt okay writing you off.

I wish that you’d taught me how to shave.

I wish that we’d been able to have adult conversations where i felt listened to.

I wish that you didn’t both feel sad about our relationship and unwilling to make changes to improve it.

I wish I didn’t have to read about our relationship in a psychology book 20 years later than would have been super useful.

I wish my mom didn’t say that it would probably be better if people like you didn’t have kids. I wish I didn’t agree. I wish this list felt less angsty and juvenile.

I wish I’d felt like you valued building my agency, independence and motivation.

I wish I didn’t have to defer to your needs, and I wish this wasn’t framed in a way in which it seemed ‘normal’ and like it was aberrant for me to have and express my own needs, and that it would be ridiculous for me to have them met.

I wish you’d made room for me. I wish I couldn’t come up with examples where you did and feel like they negate my right to say that.

I wish I could’ve been RIGHT, sometimes.

I wish I didn’t feel like I have things that aren’t fair to add to this list.

Written by admin

December 15th, 2014 at 1:17 am

Posted in Family