Private Journal – Keep Out.

Emotional expression challenges

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Things that are a challenge

  • There are dangerous consequences to feeling eemotions and expressing them
  • There are dangerous consequences or uncomfortable feelings around expressing emotions in front of others, especially neutral or close people


  • Learn to sit with emotion for short periods by myself
  • Try to do it around other people

Written by admin

December 2nd, 2014 at 1:36 pm

Thoughts on Acceptance Vs Change

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  • not accepting feels powerful, maybe?
  • should be doing more
  • nyc state of mind (if i’m not acting, i’m wasting time)
  • trying not to get mired in ‘why’
  • i look at situations where i might find joy or relief and feel myself grow very uncomfortable (self-conscious, ashamed) and push away (not for me, too scary)
  • Constant judgment that I’m doing the wrong thing or not what I should.background buzz
  • If I didn’t feel “stuck”was such a negative shameful thing then it world be much simpler to figure out a mantra that supports me
  • Want the ppl who care about me to be proud, don’t feel like I’ve done anything worthy their praise in a long time
  • Discredit accomplishments,rewrite story to fit wasting life narrative
  • “What I did today”/gratitude lists: used to do, helped sometimes, sometimes felt inadequate
  • accomplishment, creation vs consumption, what is my drive?
  • constant judgment for not creating …something about being ordinary?
  • Pressure to be creating vs “normal”, wasting potential, lazy

Written by admin

October 6th, 2014 at 10:21 pm

Road Trip Epiphanies

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– I can unstick myself from a lot, but (trigger word) after a certain level of unstuck i think myself out of it

– Vulnerability is uncomfortable.  If I’m comfortable, i’m not being vulnerable.  Being open with information and feelings is not the same as being vulnerable.  Most fear is the fear of being vulnerable.

– I feel pressure to become Important or do to One Big Thing Well.  I may be happier doing some things that i enjoy throughout the week and not worrying so much about Using My Smarts To Change The World Or Make A Million Bucks.  My resistance to this is my brains telling me that its just an excuse to not live up to my potential and be lazy.



– I will take responsibility for my fair share of sexual communication challenges, but i will not take responsibility for more than that, because it doesn’t help either of us continue to unstick. This is not putting myself “above the problem”, this is acknowledging that we both have individual stuff to work on and allowing that to happen rather than trying to fix it.

– Kate is sometimes scared of “letting me go” and abandonment stuff. I’m not sure how best to (or whether i should) reassure her that she is home for me.  I know this is something that just comes up sometimes (for me too)

– I do have to be sympathetic. I do not have to be accommodating, when it becomes the same as pushing the responsibility for situation on to my partner

-a major source of sex life stress is not communicating our needs to each other before or in the moment, so we end up guessing or waiting to get something wrong so it all goes off the rails

– How can we work with each of our very different decision making processes together in order to make collaborative decisions less stressful.can we untangle their mutual dependencies

Written by admin

May 16th, 2014 at 10:06 am

Posted in Uncategorized

What initiation resistance looks like

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– some kind of smug satisfaction in not doing something asked/expected of me, ESPECIALLY if its something for my own benefit.  Who am i trying to show off to? What is the end game for “see look, i can fuck myself over all by myself!”
– a smaller voice trying to get past that
– recognize it as self-sabotaging and frustrated about that, so that becomes the pattern, rather than just doing it

– think about having more freedom of initiation and get excited and then immediately stop myself

– getting more interested in examining why i dont let myself than actually just sucking it up and dealing with it/doing it.

By Monday, it’s ; of course you’re not gonna do that…I had an out given to me by bring able to look at the resistance instead, so we can do that

– Some value in the “here’s something that’s good for me, so I’m gonna keep myself from it and then be held accountable/get in trouble/show it off”

-task became “prep for conversation about why I couldn’t make it happen”pretty quickly


It’s the “you’re not find annoying with your life and you don’t matter to anyone” that is the trap of a lie

Focusing on “I am wasting my life”is wasting my life, not any choice of task.

Written by admin

March 7th, 2014 at 1:37 pm

Letter to Irene

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Hey Irene-

Hope all is well with you.

Well, at the end of two weeks of work, the loft is closer to being emptied out than ever.  Throughout the course of my trip here, I have had my friends, some of Kate’s friends and some friends of friends come over to select some of my dad’s art to take home. We’ve also cleared a TON of other stuff out. I’m not sure you’ll even recognize it.

You will be pleased to know that everyone who came over felt very taken with his work and many people took more than one piece (some taking as many as six or seven).

Some of my dad’s friends came over.  They typically took one or two small pieces and mostly grabbed art supplies.  Pedro came over to take his painting, Donna Marxer took a bunch of works on paper and Doug Sheer took a carload of stuff. Jackie, Vickie and a few others came by as well.

Lynn Mayo was super helpful in coordinating and making people aware of stuff.  I have put a call out to anyone who came to take work to email me photos of the work in their homes, and I am planning to put them onto a revamped as i receive them.

On to what remains… The black flat file is filled up, and there is much additional work on top of it.  There are probably about 6 or 7 big (over 7’) ones, three medium sized (5’-6’) ones, four medium-large (6’) ones and six medium-small ones that have not been placed, along with some framed works on paper and the trunk of Nocturnals, which you wanted.  I may be missing a few items.

As you said you wanted the works on paper, I am leaving it to you to relocate them.

Lynn Mayo also mentioned that she will be reaching out to some folks who we may not have.  She is an awesome coordinator, and I let her know to connect with you in terms of getting people to the loft after I’m gone.

You should know (if you don’t already) that the co-op has pretty strict regulations on the process of taking sizable items out on the elevator.  I would recommend that you coordinate with my mom (I believe you have her information) and choose a day that people can come over.  She will need to be there, and if you plan to take the flat files or larger items, you or she will need to get the elevator padding from Annie Shaver.

Albert Depas came over and wanted to see if he could take some materials which he left there.  They are in a black garbage bag in the first room closest to the studio, with a piece of tape with his name on it.  I told him he could coordinate with you to pick them up. There is also a FastCompany-branded tote bag in the same place which seems to contain some of your work.  Additionally, there is that trunk with all the nocturnals in it that is all yours.

My mom has hired a trucking company to clear out a bunch of garbage and furniture.  They will be there next Saturday, March 1. They are not taking any of the art or the flat files or anything.  You should be careful as to what you leave lying around, though, because I won’t be there to know what is to-keep and what is to-toss and I wouldn’t want them to grab something you wanted inadvertently.

So, in terms of moving forward, I am aware that there are some of his friends that have not yet had an opportunity to select some work (Lynn seemed to know of some of his ‘hospital friends’ that didn’t get an email from us. sorry about that.)  They are welcome to coordinate with you to get in to the loft, and i would ask that you send me an email letting me know when that is happening just so I can avoid nasty surprises from the other residents.  I trust you to be discreet, etc.

I would like to have all of his art either in the hands of someone, or in your possession, by early April.  If (as I assume) there are some pieces for which homes cannot be found, I have a contact at a art school who would be ecstatic to have the canvases to paint over.

We’re getting closer to being able to close this chapter!

All best


Written by admin

February 24th, 2014 at 10:32 pm

Posted in Family

Therapy Poem

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Here lies Me

Jumping from distraction to distraction

Filling, running, opaquely distancing

Filling what’s empty but it never quite reaches

Prematurely regretting my today

Looking back from the future

Aware of my own ridiculousness

Alone in that universal cliche way that leads to bad poetry like this

Grasping for a feeling of mattering, questioning all the while if mattering matters.

Gotta stop going in reverse before getting to go forward

It’s neutral you gotta watch out for, oh yes

Neutral is a mire

Balance on the head of a pin doesn’t leave no room for dancing.

But onward!

Cutting the sinewy ropes of habit with a spoon

Nudging imagined regret into excitement

Oh, for a chance to keep my toolbelt for myself, to test and sharpen and polish and use and hone my skills for me

Oh for a chance to give myself that chance.over and over each day

Oh for a chance to live in my fear, to give it a hug and go adventuring.

Oh to get outside myself to start that ball rolling, instead of talking about it.

Oh to take my own damn advice.

It’s time.

Just a little push.

Written by admin

January 15th, 2014 at 1:49 pm

Posted in Poetry

Sexy Kate Story

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We were making out and then i pushed her on her stomach and kissed and licked and bit her back, and spanked her ass hard while i did it….made it hurt just enough. Then spent some time squeezing and biting her ass. I love biting her ass. Then i spread her cheeks and played with her hole a little, alternating with slaps on her ass… biting and then finally getting down and licking her pretty pink butthole, dragging my nails down her back. Then i took my boxers off and rubbed my cock against her…kissed my way back up and whispered that she was about to get her pretty ass split open. she loves when i whisper to her…by this time she couldn’t really talk, was just moaning all animal-like. So i grabbed the lube from the nightstand and put some on my cock and against her hole, pushed in with my finger to get it all nice and slippery. Then wrapped my arms around her, pressed the head of my cock against her tight opening, and pushed in slow while she whimpered. And started pounding away slow and hard. She was animal moaning at this point, telling me to fuck her harder, so i did…biting her neck, wailing away, then finally thrust all the way inside and filled her ass up with my cum.

Then we snuggled and fell asleep.

Written by admin

October 5th, 2013 at 10:30 pm

Posted in Kate

Post-Amy-Playing fconversation

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3:32:42 PM Kate Farina: so did you want to talk
3:32:45 PM Jeremy Meyers: yes
3:33:25 PM Jeremy Meyers: so should i just tell you a little of what happened? is that okay?
3:33:33 PM Kate Farina: well
3:33:39 PM Kate Farina: can i first say a couple things
3:33:41 PM Jeremy Meyers: yes
3:33:53 PM Jeremy Meyers: thats what i was asking, whether there was any new thoughts you wanted to share
3:34:29 PM Kate Farina: so i think one thing that is becoming more apparent is that i often need some time to process ‘new developments’ with this
3:35:13 PM Kate Farina: and the difficult times when i feel most scared or concerned are when a new question or boundary is introduced
3:35:23 PM Jeremy Meyers: makes sense
3:35:40 PM Kate Farina: so it takes me a little bit of time to consider things and sort of reason with it in my head
3:36:11 PM Kate Farina: so i just felt stressed out to have to think about this new thing as i got off the plane
3:36:18 PM Kate Farina: and it opened up a bag of worries
3:36:41 PM Kate Farina: secondly
3:37:20 PM Kate Farina: i think it’s also best for me to take things step by step and be fairly cautious and build up some positives
3:37:35 PM Kate Farina: and add new things one step at a time
3:38:02 PM Kate Farina: because i want to build a good, positive base of trust and confidence as we start out
3:38:23 PM Jeremy Meyers: i’m trying to balance my central desire to make sure that we’re both comfortable and taking it at a pace thats okay for all involved with my ‘shiny new toy’ ‘kid in a candy store’ urges.  It’s really important to me that we do this to the best of our ability as we’re starting out, to set a good precednt and groundwork to continue and adjust and stuff.  I’m sorry to have sprung that at you at the last minute. it was totally and completely just going to be a practical thing.  Amy was totally understanding and appreciative and drove me home.  That’s one of the reasons i chose to play with her at all. she’s a really good communicator.
3:38:41 PM Jeremy Meyers: (aka jinx)
3:38:47 PM Kate Farina: and part of that is feeling like i know you’ll respect my wishes, even if you think they’re kind of silly or unnecessary
3:39:10 PM Kate Farina: because for right now, i just need to know that we’re both listening to each other with this
3:39:14 PM Jeremy Meyers: absolutely
3:39:29 PM Kate Farina: and it makes me feel more comfortable about expanding boundaries the next time
3:39:42 PM Jeremy Meyers: i was truly listening and not mad about you having trouble with the staying over bit last night.  I just wanted to make sure that you were clear on what it was and wasn’t.
3:39:59 PM Kate Farina: yeah
3:40:02 PM Kate Farina: i understand
3:40:08 PM Kate Farina: and i get the practical considerations
3:40:34 PM Kate Farina: which is why it was difficult for me to put my concerns/feelings first
3:40:56 PM Kate Farina: but i think it was best in the long run
3:40:58 PM Jeremy Meyers: you gotta look out for you, in this. i’m looking out for me.
3:41:20 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean… you know, like we’ve been talking about in therapy..expressing our needs as a separate step from negotiating the action
3:41:29 PM Jeremy Meyers: i totally got where you were coming from, and Amy did too
3:41:36 PM Kate Farina: ok cool
3:42:32 PM Kate Farina: i mean, part of me totally got the practical side of things. but part of me felt tweaked about rushing an overnight stay, no matter if it was just a practically or not
3:42:38 PM Jeremy Meyers: yup
3:42:54 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean, i wasn’t like 100% comfortable with it myself, considering i’d only just met her, and it was kind of rushed
3:43:05 PM Jeremy Meyers: so part of me was grateful to have the out
3:43:38 PM Jeremy Meyers: it was jsut that i wanted to hang with her (And her roomie and her girl) because i think i wouldve felt lonely coming back to an empty house
3:43:57 PM Kate Farina: i understand
3:44:07 PM Jeremy Meyers: (also her kids were asleep)
3:45:04 PM Kate Farina: that’s gotta put a crimp in things
3:45:12 PM Jeremy Meyers: i guess
3:45:17 PM Kate Farina: no candi and bambi parties
3:45:31 PM Jeremy Meyers: well she splits custody with her ex, so she has some time for that
3:45:38 PM Kate Farina: ah
3:46:03 PM Jeremy Meyers: was there more that you wanted to say?
3:46:31 PM Kate Farina: not really
3:46:35 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok
3:46:53 PM Jeremy Meyers: so do you think it would be helpful for me to tell you about the evening? (i mean, not every graphic detail, if you dont want)
3:47:51 PM Kate Farina: i don’t really think i want to hear the details
3:47:54 PM Kate Farina: right now
3:48:11 PM Kate Farina: maybe just the general gist
3:48:17 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok. well there are some thoughts about the experience that i’d like to share with you, that are not connected to ‘who did what to whom’
3:48:36 PM Jeremy Meyers: though i will say that your boundaries were completely respected without question
3:48:51 PM Jeremy Meyers: if that’s okay
3:49:21 PM Kate Farina: ok
3:50:05 PM Jeremy Meyers: most of the time was spent hanging out outside and stuff…  I had fun with the playing part though it also raised some not-great feelings that i hadn’t felt in awhile
3:50:14 PM Kate Farina: how so
3:50:19 PM Jeremy Meyers: i think mostly based on it being a new experience
3:50:20 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean
3:50:27 PM Jeremy Meyers: here’s what i’ve come up with so far
3:51:17 PM Jeremy Meyers: getting to play with anna (even just making out) was really great because we’ve been friends forever and we know and love each other
3:51:26 PM Jeremy Meyers: so we had a pre-existing connection
3:52:42 PM Jeremy Meyers: and with Amy (as an example), i like her a lot as a friend and we have good conversations and she’s super sweet and supportive, but i haven’t really known her that long, and getting physical with her felt a little.. i dunno… not as able to live in the sensation of it…got stuck in thoughts and stuff
3:52:58 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean i think its also because its the first person i’ve played with who i didn’t know before we started going out
3:53:17 PM Kate Farina: ok
3:54:05 PM Jeremy Meyers: so there’s a lot of the societal stuff that comes up about this being somethign that would be hurtful to you (even though i know thats not the thing of it)…
3:54:13 PM Jeremy Meyers: also some reminders of when i was slutting around and not enjoying myself
3:54:30 PM Kate Farina: yeah
3:54:35 PM Kate Farina: understandable
3:55:46 PM Jeremy Meyers: so we stopped a couple of times and i got hugs, which was good
3:55:58 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean…not to paint it as a traumatic event or anything. fun was had by all.
3:56:06 PM Kate Farina: ok cool
3:56:15 PM Kate Farina: well, you do what you need to do
3:56:19 PM Jeremy Meyers: but it was nice to get some comfort as stuff came up
3:56:55 PM Jeremy Meyers: i just like… had this image in my mind of it being nothign but fun and yay finally getting to experience this and being so grateful and in love with you and stuff, and the actual experience, while definitely fun, was not exactly like that
3:57:14 PM Kate Farina: well
3:57:29 PM Kate Farina: it might take some getting used to and adjusting
3:57:32 PM Jeremy Meyers: of course
3:58:03 PM Kate Farina: it’s good that you were aware of what you needed
3:58:32 PM Jeremy Meyers: yeah
3:58:50 PM Jeremy Meyers: and that it was able to be provided
4:00:09 PM Jeremy Meyers: so, all in all it was a good experience, and she’s a good partner for this kind of thing if mostly because she’s good at communication, like you are and we are
4:00:18 PM Jeremy Meyers: and we’ll see if it happens again
4:00:41 PM Jeremy Meyers: i came home wishing i could crawl into bed with you and snuggle
4:01:44 PM Kate Farina: yeah the house was pretty lonely
4:01:55 PM Kate Farina: a week gets to be a long time there
4:02:00 PM Jeremy Meyers: try eight weeks!
4:02:05 PM Kate Farina: i know
4:02:05 PM Kate Farina: well
4:02:12 PM Kate Farina: i didn’t notice it as much in nyc
4:02:15 PM Jeremy Meyers:  yeah
4:02:23 PM Kate Farina: because i didn’t like spending too much time in the loft anyway
4:02:28 PM Jeremy Meyers: yeah
4:02:30 PM Jeremy Meyers: it looks so different now
4:02:35 PM Kate Farina: i bt
4:02:36 PM Kate Farina: bet
4:02:52 PM Kate Farina: i doubt a musician would pass the board though, right?
4:03:22 PM Jeremy Meyers: it almost doesn’t matter at this point. it’s more about being able to say “we have someone interested in paying 4.6 for the place. can you do better?”
4:03:58 PM Jeremy Meyers: it seems like everyone who comes in and sees the place wants it
4:04:05 PM Jeremy Meyers: bond street is basically the hottest block in all of downtown
4:04:11 PM Jeremy Meyers: and this is a huge space with character
4:04:17 PM Jeremy Meyers: that can be whatever people want it to be
4:06:03 PM Kate Farina: yeah very true
4:06:29 PM Jeremy Meyers: i jsut want to say again that its still a little mindblowing that we’re having supportive conversations with each other about having sexytimes with others, and it makes me so grateful and in awe of you and our relationship that we’ve gotten here.
4:06:47 PM Kate Farina: i agree
4:06:57 PM Kate Farina: and thank you for the positive reinforcement
4:07:00 PM Kate Farina: it helps a lot
4:07:04 PM Jeremy Meyers: of course
4:07:21 PM Jeremy Meyers: this whole process has made me appreciate you and us more
4:08:04 PM Kate Farina: good communication
4:08:39 PM Jeremy Meyers: yup
4:09:00 PM Kate Farina: good stuff
4:09:17 PM Jeremy Meyers: yes.
4:09:19 PM Jeremy Meyers: quite.
4:09:28 PM Jeremy Meyers: and I think Rachel has been so so helpful. i’m so glad we started going to her.
4:09:35 PM Kate Farina: def
4:10:02 PM Kate Farina: more people should do it
4:10:06 PM Kate Farina: as a couple i mean
4:10:08 PM Jeremy Meyers: i agreeeee
4:10:15 PM Jeremy Meyers: almost as if it shuld be a baseline requirement
4:10:23 PM Jeremy Meyers: it makes me sad to hear aobut couples that just dont talk
4:10:29 PM Jeremy Meyers: or like… one person wants to talk and one just wont
4:10:33 PM Kate Farina: yeah because what is there
4:10:37 PM Kate Farina: if not talking
4:10:46 PM Kate Farina: that’s not a relationship
4:11:08 PM Jeremy Meyers: not a marriage
4:11:17 PM Jeremy Meyers: talking with jacquie made me sad about that
4:11:32 PM Jeremy Meyers: she’s so great and he just doesn’t want to be bothered to talk about stuff
4:11:45 PM Jeremy Meyers: and it soundsl ike a lot of their life is suffering becaus eof it, and she’s just kind of ‘oh well, this is my life’
4:14:36 PM Kate Farina: yeah that is sad
4:15:02 PM Jeremy Meyers: amazing what it can do for a sex life
4:15:18 PM Jeremy Meyers: she sounds way more adventurous than he is. or even if he’s equally adventurous, without the conversation, its not gonna happen
4:15:25 PM Kate Farina: right
4:17:42 PM Jeremy Meyers: so, kudos to us
4:17:55 PM Jeremy Meyers: and i wish she had a better sex life and/or a sex life that involved me doing dirty thigns to her.
4:18:07 PM Kate Farina: well maybe some day
4:18:27 PM Jeremy Meyers: maybe some day.
4:19:38 PM Kate Farina: ok going for a walk
4:19:40 PM Kate Farina: laterz
4:19:49 PM Jeremy Meyers: ok love oyu
4:19:52 PM Jeremy Meyers: i might get food with kira
4:19:57 PM Jeremy Meyers: supposed to do that tomorrow but we’re both hungry
6:20:46 PM Jeremy Meyers: <3

Written by admin

September 28th, 2013 at 6:27 pm

Posted in Poly Stuff

train notes

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emotional disengagement leftover teen rebellion from being called sensitive so mch growing up

Written by admin

July 13th, 2013 at 5:50 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

A change of scenery

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Moving to atlanta has made me see how much of a rut i was stuck in in NYC.  Hope it doesn’t continue here.


Written by admin

July 13th, 2013 at 5:50 pm

Posted in Uncategorized